The Rules of Regret (34 page)

His
hand was on my cheek; my fingers were twisted in his hair. His chest leaned
into mine; I pushed back with equal pressure. It was a lot of heavy breathing,
racing pulses, and lips and tongue and sighing and wanting. And it lasted for
several minutes, to the point where, even though we weren
’
t doing the whole masking thing, we
sort of had to in order to keep things decent and somewhat appropriate. While I
wanted Torin to know that I loved him, I didn
’
t need every patron in the store
getting a complete visual of just how much.

He
pulled back first, taking my bottom lip between his as he slowly broke our
kiss.

“
I don
’
t know what I have to offer you right
now, but whatever is there, it
’
s
all yours,
”
I said, looking at him, trusting him with my heart, my grief, and my crazy.

“
We love the things we love for what
they are.
”
I knew the words weren
’
t
his own, but this time he wasn
’
t
using them to shield his feelings at all, because I didn
’
t think he could have said any other
combination of words to create a thought or sentence than rang truer than those
in this exact moment.
“
I
love you, Darby, for what you are. Not what you will become once you
’
re out of this valley.
”
He dipped down and pressed his lips
to mine in a sudden way that made the floor completely fall out from under me.
“
Not what you hoped Anna would become.
Not what you allowed Lance to make of you. I love
you
for you.
”

“
Look at my feet.
”

Torin
shrugged his head back into his neck, completely perplexed.
“
What?
”
But then he did as I said and a
smile stretched across his face, ear to ear, as he glanced at my sandals.
“
Blew your socks off.
”

“
You warned me you would,
”
I said, covering my mouth to hide
the laughter.

“
You forgot to recite your,
'Who are you?'
line,
”
he said, pulling my hand from my
lips.

“
I didn
’
t forget,
”
I answered quickly.
“
I know exactly who you are, Torin.
”
Pushing up on my toes, I sealed my
lips to his in one more prolonged kiss.
“
You
’
re the one who
’
s helping me figure out exactly who I
am.
”

CHAPTER
TWENTY-THREE

“
I don
’
t notice a difference, really.
”
Torin dropped his brush into the
open can of paint.
“
Is
that bad that I don
’
t
notice a difference?
”

“
If we were still talking in
metaphors, then yes, it
’
s
catastrophically bad because then you
’
re
saying there
’
s
nothing special about paint chip SW4560.
”
I sat down in the very middle of the room and tucked my feet underneath me.
“
But since we
’
re done with that and this is just
paint, I sorta agree.
”

Sonja
had left a couple hours ago because her boyfriend was back in town for the
weekend, so Torin and I were alone in the empty townhouse.

“
Let
’
s get pizza.
”
Torin pulled his phone out from his
back pocket and his jeans rested low enough on his hips that the toned edge of
his hip peeked out above it.
“
You
hungry?
”

“
I am.
”

He
scrolled on his phone with his index finger and asked,
“
What
’
s around here? I honestly don
’
t even know where we are.
”
It was a funny statement coming from
the guy that seemed to have a compass implanted in his brain at birth.

“
Papa Pizza
’
s is decent. They deliver,
”
I said.
“
And Torin?
”
His eyes flickered up to mine.
“
How did you know how to find me? I
sorta left without giving you any clue.
”

He
bit his bottom lip and squinted as he thumbed through the list of pizza joints.
“
Your application.
”

“
Oh.
”
I guessed that made sense. It didn
’
t really matter how he
’
d found me, though. I was just glad
that he had.

“
Pepperoni okay?
”

I
agreed with a nod and he called in our order.

As
he conversed with the worker on the other line, I couldn
’
t help but stare at him. His hair
curled around his ear and his dimples pressed in and out of his cheeks,
sometimes more prominently with certain syllables and words than others. I
tried to pinpoint which ones brought them out, because I decided those would
become permanent words in my own vocabulary, hoping maybe they would rub off on
him and he
’
d
start using them more frequently, too. I really loved when those dimples made
an appearance.

He
’
d been so focused on ordering our
late-night dinner that he didn
’
t
really notice me gawking at him, until our eyes caught after he
’
d hung up the phone and dipped it
back into his pocket.

“
You see something you like?
”
he asked, his eyebrows shooting up
in a 'I totally know you were just checking me out,' kind of way.

“
Definitely,
”
I admitted, returning the same
encouraging grin.

But
Torin didn
’
t
need any encouragement.
 

In
an instant he was down at my level, his face inches from mine, his eyes locked
with an intensity that made everything else disappear. And not just our
surroundings. Everything in my brain disappeared, too. Every emotion that
existed outside of this realm that was just the two of us completely vanished.
It was only us. No grief. No anxiety. Just us.

Like
he was on the prowl, he walked his hands across the ground and pressed his
chest solidly to mine. I fell onto my elbows, then onto my back completely as
the tantalizing weight of his body guided me slowly onto the carpet.

This
wasn
’
t
at all how I pictured our first time together
—
on the floor in the middle of my
empty shell of an apartment with an unnecessary coat of paint drying on the
walls. I
’
d
pictured it happening, obviously, but not here. And not just weeks after losing
Lance in the way that I
’
d
lost him. In the way that we
’
d
all
lost him.

I
wondered when the time would come to move on, and how that could even be
determined. People moved on in their own ways and at their own speed, I
supposed. Part of me
—
most
of me, actually
—
began
moving on over a year ago when Lance started that process on his own with
another girl. What he
’
d
given to her took from what we had, and no matter how hard we
’
d tried to get it back, it was hers,
not mine anymore. The heart he
’
d
once professed to me was now parceled out, and even in death, it belonged to
other girls, too. He
’
d
given himself to them and he wasn
’
t
all mine. Maybe he never actually was. The finality of it all broke my heart
beyond repair.

I
knew it wasn
’
t
his responsibility, but I needed Torin to help put it back together.

We
kissed for a long time. I was sure our pizza delivery guy would rap on the door
at any moment, but each time things started to really pick up, something in
Torin
’
s
posture shifted. There was a tangible hesitation that made me feel like maybe I
was doing something wrong. I was pretty certain after all of the times I
’
d been with Lance that I knew what
guys liked, what got them going, but Torin
’
s
visible pause made me feel like maybe I had it all confused. The humiliating
grip of insecurity took hold.

“
Torin?
”
I asked after a kiss that nearly
made me pass out. I marshaled my breathing before I continued.
“
Do you want to... um...
“

He
pushed his mouth to mine and swallowed my words. His tongue ran across my
bottom lip and his hands roved over my body with frantic-fueled movement. There
was no question that we were on our way to doing this. Our hips, our mouths,
our bodies, everything begged for more and moved synchronically in a way that
felt more intimate than anything I
’
d
ever done. I wanted him. That was not the question at all. And I was ready to
give all of myself to him. Completely.

The
problem was, it didn
’
t
seem like he wanted to take it.

“
Darby.
”
My name came out in the form of a
throaty groan. I gripped his shoulders with my hands, my nails digging into his
back, just above his shoulder blades.
“
This
is amazing.
”

And
it did. Even with all the layers of clothing between us, it felt incredible. I
really wanted to feel just how incredible it could be.

“
Do you think we should...?
”
I tried again, because even though I
’
d kind of hinted at it, I wasn
’
t entirely sure he
’
d gotten that hint, since we were
still just limiting things to making out.

With
his hands bracketed around me, he straightened his arms and propped himself up.
The hair that hung around his face and the flush that painted his cheeks made
him look so incredible that I was beyond tempted to rip his clothes off right
there.

“
Do I think we should have sex?
”

Hearing
him actually say it made my body temperature elevate to thermometer-breaking
status.

“
Um,
”
I gulped between breaths that I
absolutely could not control.
“
Yeah.
”

He
dropped down onto me again, pinning me beneath him with his legs twisted in
mine. The kissing became too much at that point. His lips were hot against my
skin as they trailed from my earlobe down the curve of my neck, stalling right
around my collarbone.
“
I.
”
Another kiss on my throat.
“
Want.
”
His lips brushed back to my ear and
his ragged breath echoed into it, shooting chills the entire length of my body.
“
To.
”
His fingers raked through my hair,
making it stand on end.
“
So.
”
His other hand pressed flatly
against my stomach, lifting the hem of my shirt to push his palm to my bare
skin making my stomach quiver with anticipation.
“
Bad.
”

“
There
’
s a but.
”
I had to acknowledge it before he
did just to save a little face.

“
No, there
’
s no but.
”
His words totally shocked me and
seemed to snap me out of some daydream.
“
I
completely want to.
”

“
Are you serious, Torin?
”
It had never taken so much effort to
swallow in my entire life, but somehow I managed it.
“
Like... you want to... ?
”

“
It
’
s honestly not a matter of wanting.
”
The kissing had stopped momentarily,
mostly so we could actually get the words out, but the movement of hands,
bodies, didn
’
t
let up.
“
Because
I
’
ve wanted to do unmentionable things
with you from the moment I saw you. That
’
s
not the issue.
”

“
But Torin...
”
I couldn
’
t believe we were
actually
talking about
actually
doing this.
“
You haven
’
t... I mean... you said you were a
virgin.
”

“
I am.
”
His body pushed down onto mine even
harder and our legs coiled together, our chests heaving against the others, and
our mouths hovering no more than a sliver of space apart.
“
But it
’
s not because I have something
against sex.
”
He really shouldn
’
t
have, but he licked his lips
—
unintentionally,
I was pretty certain
—
and
it almost made me lose it. I imagined that tongue licking across my own and
that was just about more than I could handle.
“
I'm pretty sure I have nothing
against sex. Sex is good.
”

“
Sex is amazing.
”

“
I
’
m going to choose to believe that is
just a blanket statement and you
’
re
not pulling from prior experience, even though I know that
’
s not the case.
”
He smiled when he spoke and a slight
laugh followed his words.
“
Because
I don
’
t
like thinking about you and Lance.
”

And
just like that, the breaks were completely pulled.

“
I don
’
t like thinking about Lance,
”
he continued, and this time he sat
up, drawing away from me.
“
But
I can
’
t
stop thinking about Lance.
”

Neither
could I. Only in momentary waves was I able to block him out of my mind. There
wasn
’
t
much that could distract me from the fact that he was gone, and that the way we
’
d left things was absolutely awful.
Lance was at the forefront of my mind, no matter how hard I tried to shake him
free. He was there, always there.