The Saddest Song (6 page)

“I can’t believe it, that jerk! Garrett would flip if he knew.”

“Oh, he knows,” Max said looking straight into my eyes. “He knows and he is probably laughing because that idiot will be reminded of him for the rest of his life.”

I saw the irony in his words and laughed.

“Max, I’m so happy I have you. I wouldn’t have survived this without you to talk to.” Impulsively I put my hand on his and he linked his fingers through mine and squeezed.

“Yeah, me too. I know Garrett is happy we are helping each other through this.” We sat like that for a few moments until a shrill female voice jolted us apart.

“Well, it didn’t take you long to replace your boyfriend with his twin brother!”

Looking up I cringed when I realized the voice belonged to Kelsey Carter, head cheerleader and one of the biggest gossips at our school. Kelsey and I had never gotten along and I was sure it was mainly due to her feelings for Garrett. She had tried her hardest over the years to steal him from me and failed miserably.

“What are you talking about Kelsey? Nobody is replacing anyone,” Max snapped back at her, angry.

“Sure doesn’t look that way to us,” she said, referring to the four members of the cheer squad staring open mouthed at Max and my joined hands. My instinct was to pull my hand away but Max held it securely. I knew he was thinking we were doing nothing wrong, and didn’t want me to give into her accusations.

“Poor Garrett,” she whined. “Come on ladies.” She stomped off as if she had been personally offended, her fellow cheer buddies following close behind.

“That’s just great,” Max said in frustration, finally releasing my hand to run his through his hair.

“Do you really think anybody will listen to what Kelsey says?”

“Rainey, I know nobody really likes her, but yeah, they’ll listen. This just adds fuel to the gossip about us.”

“Well, as long as we know the truth that is all that matters,” I said, steeling myself for the gossip ahead. And it didn’t take long. By the time Max and I met at his truck after school we had experienced just how much damage Kelsey was capable of. Where I had received sympathy stares in the morning, by the afternoon I was met with disgusted sneers. Four people had come right out and asked me if I was involved with Max before Garrett had even died. One girl passed by me and whispered how convenient it was that Garrett was killed. I didn’t reply or defend myself. What they wanted to believe they could go ahead and believe. Besides, I could see by their actions I had already been tried and convicted.

“Well, I think senior year is off to a great start. I hope you won’t be afraid to be seen with me at school now that we are a couple of cheaters.” I looked at him and tried for a grin but my attempt failed and I felt tears well up. I turned away, blinking rapidly to stop them from falling but one rogue tear escaped down my cheek. Max turned my face towards him and matter of factly wiped the offending tear away with his finger, and putting the truck in reverse, changed the subject.

“Want to do homework at my house or yours?”

“Yours. You know your mom probably made her brownies.” Today would be tough on her too, she would need us.

“That’s a pretty safe bet. Don’t worry about all that crap. You know Kelsey will find a new victim by next week.”

The house smelled of fudge brownies as we entered through the kitchen door. A note on the counter informed us that Mrs. McKinley was visiting at the neighbors and would return soon. I was surprised to feel actual hunger as I cut the still warm brownies. I had grown used to avoiding food and to accept the accompanying stomach pains when I did make myself eat. When Max handed me one of the two large glasses of milk I sat at the table and prepared to force myself to take a small bite. But this time after the first taste I quickly and willingly ate two, draining the milk along with them. Max watched me, eyes widening, but said nothing. He ate his also and then we went straight to homework.

There wasn’t a lot of homework on the first day of school, but there were a few review sheets that we needed to complete. Max finished before me thanks to the thirty math problems I had to struggle through.

“Want some help with that?” Max moved his chair closer to mine and began to figure a problem before I even had time to reply. He quickly made his way through the problems, explaining them as he went.

“Thanks Max, I forgot how good you are at Math. I suck.”

“Yeah, well you can help me with history, how’s that?”

“You got it, “I said, packing my books into my new backpack.

“I’m working on a new song. Do you want to hear it?” Max asked, casually. I nodded enthusiastically and followed him up the stairs. Pausing at Garrett’s doorway I peeked in, knowing with certainty he would not appear. I had finally gotten past the “what if it was all a dream” stage. I just looked in because it made me remember him and it was still my favorite thing to do. I never ever wanted to forget him. I was afraid that too many days without him would make the memories fade away.

“You coming?” Max asked gently, standing in his doorway.

“Of course.” I kept my eyes on him and followed him into his room. He picked up his guitar and sat on the corner of his bed while I sat on the couch and listened to him strum the guitar, his fingers picking out a haunting melody, slow and beautiful.

When he finished I smiled. “Max, you are so talented. That was really, really beautiful. It sounded like the saddest song. Does it have lyrics?” I asked, curious.

“Sad, huh? I’m not done with it yet. You know I have to get the melody done before I can write the lyrics.”

“Well, I can’t wait to hear them.”

“Hi Max! Hi Rainey! I see you found the brownies.” Mrs. McKinley came in and hugged each of us. We filled her in on our first day of senior year, leaving out the nasty parts. She didn’t question us and seemed to be holding up pretty well.

“Rainey, did Garrett turn off your clock last night?” She had gotten into the habit of asking me every day. I didn’t mind, it was one of the highlights of my day.

“He did! I was smart enough to set my alarm on my phone instead so I didn’t oversleep!”

She laughed and her eyes lit up when she said, “I think I felt him around me today. When I was making the brownies the timer turned itself off twice. I think he knew I would need him today. It was a long day without you guys.”

“You didn’t feel like going to Yoga?” I asked.

“No, I haven’t since…it’s funny, the only time I leave the house is to go to the grocery store. I know I need to. I just walked next door to see Linda and you should have seen her face! She looked so surprised. I need to get my life back so Garrett isn’t worried. We all do.”

She looked pointedly at the two of us.

“We’re trying mom. I played my new song for Rainey. Do you want to hear it?”

“Sure, I’d love to, what’s it called?” She asked, sitting down next to me on the couch.

Max looked at me and answered her as he began to pick out the notes. “It’s called The Saddest Song.”

Max

School has a way of creating a pattern that is easy to follow without expending an abundance of emotion or energy. I welcomed the routine. Living without Garrett was like learning a new language, difficult and foreign. The friends I had shared with my brother were too careful not to mention his name, when I actually might have liked remembering the good old days. Memories of Garrett never left me anyway, might as well share some of them. But no, the subject never came up. They all stuck to neutral topics when I was present. I got it. I made the guys a little uncomfortable. The girls were even worse. They felt sorry for me. They wanted to make it all better. To be honest, they just threw themselves at me. Once I would have welcomed that, but right now I had lost all interest.

My relationship with Rainey became my primary focus. Only with her could I be myself and if we were both careful around each other it was only to protect one another. We didn’t want to send the other into a tailspin. Whatever we were, it worked for both of us. She was my brother’s biggest joy, his first and his last love. How much of him remained on this earth remained in her. When people dropped innuendos about the two of us, I would ignore them. Surviving Garrett was a full time job and she was my co-worker. I didn’t care if they didn’t understand. Making them happy wasn’t my goal. Keeping Rainey and myself alive was my goal, and being a son to be proud of was now my biggest burden. I had to be all things for my parents and make up for the huge, gaping hole in our lives.

When Rainey smiled, I smiled. When mom told us she went over to visit her friend next door I felt that I had won another round. Dad seemed to be bouncing back quickest but I knew a lot of that was because he felt it was his role to be the strong, protective provider. He took it seriously and I knew it was keeping him going. Still, I watched him for cracks. I spent a lot of my time watching. The happy go lucky kid I had been was buried next to my brother.

Chapter 8

Rainey

The days have a way of passing, and so they passed, some worse than others, and I persevered through them one after another. I tried not to look backwards and there seemed nothing to look forward to, so I existed in the here and now. The stares of my fellow students slowly tapered off, the rumors about Max and I never quite taking hold. Anyone who had known Garrett and I were simply not buying it. They had eyes and they could see the shell of the girl they had known.

The Rainey Martin they remembered smiled as she held hands with Garrett, this Rainey held tightly to her sanity with both hands, although they probably weren’t sure that I wouldn’t give in and let go. So, when it came to the twin, how could any of them begrudge me the comfort of Max?

And what about Max
?
He too, was a shell of his former self. Half of a perfect set. Missing his match. I was missing mine too. Surely everyone could see that it was as natural as breathing for us to try and fill the void with each other.

This must have been the reason that I began to fear something happening to Max. I had nightmares where he died too, and came to me as a ghost telling me to get over it, he needed to be with his twin. I bonded more closely with Mrs. McKinley as I shared her anxiety over the safety and health of her only remaining child. I waited to eat while I was with him so that he would eat too. I told him I was frightened by fast driving because of the accident so he would drive slower and with more caution. I avoided calling him late at night when my loneliness was at its height so that he could get the sleep I knew he needed.

My clock hadn’t turned off in a couple of weeks and there had been no more messages by either candy or text. I began to count the time since Garrett died in months, not days. Two months that felt like two years. The memories of the last time I had seen him felt less crisp, more fragmented in my memory. So many moments that I would have memorized had I only knew they were our last.

If he were here now he would be in the midst of his beloved football season. The joy he felt when the team made it to CIF last year was immeasurable so I secretly rejoiced this season whenever I heard that the team had lost a game. I didn’t want them to win and have Garrett miss out on another championship.

My selfishness was immature, and I knew Garrett would never want the team to lose whether he was there playing for them or not. I couldn’t even watch the team play. I wished they would just forfeit the whole season in his honor. Instead they wore his name on wristbands and had a moment of silence for him at the first home game. I sat with Max and his parents and when I closed my eyes I pictured Garrett last year, pulling off his helmet at the end of every game, smiling at me up in the bleachers, win or lose. I’d meet him, my voice hoarse from cheering, his hair wet from the shower, outside the gym and we’d kiss…We made it through half of the game. Max whispered in my ear and we escaped during half time. Football was no longer a part of any of our lives. As far as we were concerned, football was dead too.

It was while Max and I were driving home one Friday afternoon that he shocked me by bringing up Homecoming. Up until this point I had tried not to think about it, or look at the posters lining the school halls. When girls were talking about their dates or dresses I found an excuse to leave the class or change the subject. Even Caitlynn had not mentioned a thing about it and I had no idea if she had plans to attend.

“Rainey, what do you want to do about Homecoming this year?” Max said, his voice calm and matter of fact.

“Pretend it doesn’t exist,” I said.

“Kind of hard to do, isn’t it? That’s all anybody is talking about at school.” He glanced over at me and I shrugged.

“Well, what if you and I went? Would you like to go?” He asked, his eyes not straying from the road.

“To Homecoming? Why? Do you want to go?” I asked, surprised.

“Well, if you would like to I wouldn’t mind. It might be good to do something social. We haven’t done anything at all since the accident. I just thought you might want to feel normal again.”

“Max, if you want to take someone please don’t let me keep you from it. “ I suddenly wondered if he felt obligated to take me as a favor to his brother.

“Rainey, there is no one I want to go with. I just didn’t know if it might be something you would want to do with your friends. It
is
your senior year.”