The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (6 page)

What keeps relationships together? A sense of common purpose keeps relationships together. When do relationships fall apart? When the sense of common purpose is lost.

In some relationships, the common purpose is simply pleasure, so that when the pleasure ceases, or a more appealing form of pleasure presents itself, the relationship ends. In other relationships, common interests provide the guise of a common purpose, but when our interests change the relationship often fades. A pattern that has intrigued me in recent years seems to be occurring more frequently; the breakup of couples after twenty-five, thirty, even thirty-five years of marriage. I have racked my brain and studied these relationships over time trying to understand them and found that the answer is surprisingly simple. These couples shared a common purpose in raising their children, and now that their children are raised, they find they no longer have anything in common. More importantly, they no longer have a common purpose. Their common purpose was a temporary one and has now evaporated, and as a result, so has their relationship.

The truth is that all relationships are based on a common purpose, whether that purpose is articulated or not. In some relationships, the common purpose is simply a matter of convenience; in others, it is money; in some, the common purpose is sex; in others, it is raising the children, but only in a very few relationships is it to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves.

Our primary relationship needs a common purpose, but not just any common purpose.

What is the difference between any of these common purposes and our essential purpose? The purposes we have just discussed are temporary, whereas our essential purpose never changes and never fades. We will always be striving to celebrate the-best-version-of-ourselves in every moment. It isn’t a project that is ever finished. It is the striving that animates us—brings us to life.

If your primary relationship is based on a common purpose that is temporary, there is a pretty good chance that your primary relationship will be temporary, as well. But if you base your primary relationship on your essential purpose, which is unchanging and lasting, there is an equally good chance that your primary relationship will last. And not only survive, but thrive.

Place your essential purpose at the center of your relationships. If you get this right, a lot of other things just fall into place.

A relationship of any significance should be a dynamic collaboration. By striving to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, and helping others to do the same, we help to create a dynamic environment within the relationship that inspires us to reach for greater heights, encourages us and comforts us when we fall short, and celebrates with us when we succeed.

When we understand our essential purpose, a different set of values and priorities comes to the foreground. We become less preoccupied with questions such as: What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it? We are able to focus more on questions such as: How can I help you become the-best-version-of-yourself? How can I love you completely and selflessly? How can I help you know and fulfill your dreams? How can I help you use your talents to the fullest? What are your needs, and how can I help you fulfill them?

If you really love someone you want nothing less than to see that person become all he or she is capable of being, and you are willing to do everything to help that person achieve his or her essential purpose.

Relationships, and marriage in particular, can be a very powerful forum for personal growth. But you and your partner have to agree to make it so. You have to want it, and you have to discipline yourselves to pursue it. If we do not consciously focus on improving our relationships, over time they can become tremendously detrimental to our personal growth. Like most things in this world, relationships can be the agents of tremendous good or incalculable destruction. The choice, as always, is ours.

Relationships should be governed by this one simple vision: the quest to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves. The more we allow the clarity of this simple vision to direct our lives and relationships, the more we will experience the passionate and purposeful lives we were created to live.

The great journey in relationships is from “yours and mine” to “ours.” It is the great synthesis of two beings for one common purpose. The first step in this journey is establishing a mutually agreed-upon goal. Once that common goal has been agreed upon, a dynamic collaboration begins. The more noble and long-lasting the goal is, the more noble and long-lasting the relationship will be.

The most noble and long-lasting goal is to help each other become the-best-version-of-yourselves. This is the ultimate purpose and goal of relationship.

B
ETRAYAL OF
S
ELF

T

he biggest problem in relationships is the betrayal of self. Every second person you meet wants you to compromise on who you really are. They want to buy it or trade for it, and they do so for personal pleasure or gain. So we must guard our true self above all else. But this will only be possible if we value our true self above all else.

Do you value your true self above pleasure? Do you value your true self above money and possessions? Do you value your true self above popularity and status?

What is more valuable than your true self? Nothing. Your true self is the custodian of your honor, integrity, and dignity. Without these things we are little more than pawns in other people’s games and plans. If you don’t have your self you have nothing. For if we betray our very self, how can we ever be true to anyone or anything?

When we behave in ways that are contrary to our values, beliefs, and principles, the result is inner conflict and shame. We then have to either resolve the inner conflict by living in accord with our values, beliefs, and principles in the future, or else flee from our shame. Flight from shame is of course impossible, because in a very real way it is an attempt to flee from ourselves. The story of many people’s lives can be summarized into two parts: the betrayal of self and the flight from shame. For once we betray ourselves we run unceasingly from our shame, unless we can summon the humility to face our error and begin anew.

Guilt and shame serve to warn us when our behavior is inconsistent with what we hold to be good, true, and just.

Never did William Shakespeare pen truer words than the day he wrote: “To thine own self be true, / And it must follow, as the night the day, / Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Our first responsibility in relationship is, therefore, to be true to ourselves. From this flows our responsibility to help the people we love be true to themselves. The more authentic we are within ourselves, the more authentic we can be with those we love.

The problem is that it is so easy to lead someone to betray himself or herself. It may begin with something as simple as asking someone to lie. The lie may seem small, even insignificant—you may even convince yourself that it is necessary at the time—but with that tiny lie begins the betrayal of self and the eroding of character. For once the lie is told, we are obligated to live the lie. And once we have betrayed ourselves, if we are unwilling to humbly admit our mistake and correct our ways, we run from our shame.

A man’s true self lies within his values, principles, morals, and ethics. He can’t be his true self if you take him away from these things. If you do take him away from them, you can be certain of one thing: sooner or later, he will leave you to get back to his true self.

He will leave you to get back to his morals, ethics, principles, and values, because he can’t live without them. Not happily. He will never have peace if he is separated from them, and the human spirit yearns for that peace. Our lives are a constant searching for that peace. It is the peace of being aligned with our true selves. It is the peace that all men seek, but that a rare few ever find.

Yes, we all like to experience the pleasures of this world. Certainly, one person enjoys pleasure as much as the next. But while we can live without pleasure, we can’t live without our true self…and we can only find our true self in and through morals, values, principles, and the ethical way of life.

So if you move a man or a woman away from these things, sooner or later he or she will leave you. You may not even be the one who instigated his move away from his values and principles. The move may even be his idea. You may only be the witness to his betrayal of self. But none of us likes to share a room with the witness of our crimes. It makes us restless and uneasy, prevents the self-deception necessary to press on. All men and women flee from the witnesses of their wrongdoings.

Even if he does not leave you physically, he will leave you emotionally. He has to detach himself, to move away, to distance himself, for he is fleeing the scene of his own betrayal of self. If he does not leave you physically, you may end up wishing he had, for sometimes not leaving can be worse than leaving. Be certain that physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually he will leave you a thousand times and in a thousand different ways, in order to get back to his or her true self. He can live without you, but he cannot live without his true self. Before too long, he will despise you, resent you, because you took him away from his true self, and now you represent a life that is contrary to his values and principles. He may find momentary pleasures in such a life, but the agony of being violently disconnected from his true self is unbearable.

If you really want to get someone to resent you, take that person away from her god—from her morals, ethics, values, and principles. Because sooner or later, whether she is aware of it or not at the time, she will want to get back to God and back to her true self. She may be prepared to abandon her true self and God briefly for pleasure, possessions, and popularity, but in the long run she is coming home. Nothing is more certain. It might take ten years for the person to realize what has happened, but sooner or later the crop you sow will be the crop you harvest.

Before you ask someone to compromise her principles and values, think long and hard.

It may seem that the person is willing to abandon his true self. He may do so willingly. You may think this is what he wanted. You may say to yourself that he agreed to it. It may even be true that the betrayal was his idea, and that he was its architect and engineer. But he will still resent you for it, even blame you, get rid of you because you remind him of his weakness, his failure, his shame. He will flee from you because in you he is reminded of the shameful moments when he abandoned his true self for the merely superficial realities of this life. It may very well not be your direct fault, but you become a reminder by association.

This is why it is so important to involve ourselves with people who have thought about life, people who have a sense of who they are and what they want, people who know what their values and principles are and know how to own them and live them in a real and personal way.

It may be that you are in a relationship where one or both of you have betrayed your true selves. Will she leave you? Will you leave him? Yes, without question, unless you can both come together, agree to help each other celebrate your true selves, and abandon the actions that previously led you to betray your true selves. What does it take? Humility. At the core of every solution to every problem, we will find a virtue. In this case, that virtue is the humility to admit how we have violated our values, principles, and morals (and perhaps the values, principles, and morals of the person we love).

Whenever possible, help those around you to celebrate their true selves. When you first meet people, try as hard as you can to understand what their values and principles are, and after honoring and defending your own true self, make it your first priority never to lead those people away from their true selves.

If you betray our very self, how can you ever be true to anyone or anything?

M
AKING
S
ENSE OF
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IFE AND
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ELATIONSHIPS

M

aking sense of life and relationships in a world where we are constantly bombarded with conflicting information is difficult. That is why it is so important to carry with us an internal compass that allows us to assess the relevance of incoming data. What makes something relevant? It’s relevant if it helps you become the-best-version-of-yourself.

From now on, before you put anything on your schedule, ask yourself: Is that going to help me become the-best-version-of-myself? You will be amazed at the clarity this one principle will bring to your life.

As you begin to center your life on your essential purpose, you will naturally and without thinking bring this clarity and direction to all of your relationships. Ask yourself each morning: How can I help my partner become the-best-version-of-himself/herself today? Each time you encounter someone during the day (whether it is a supermarket clerk, one of your children, a colleague at work, or a friend), ask yourself: How can I help this person to become the-best-version-of-himself/herself?

Your essential purpose is to become the-best-version-of-yourself. Place it at the center of your life. The meaning and purpose of a relationship is to help, challenge, encourage, and inspire each other to become the-best-version-of-yourselves. Place this at the center of your relationships.

Get this right, and you will be amazed by how everything else just falls into place.