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Authors: Matthew Kelly

Tags: #Spirituality, #Self Help, #Inspirational

The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (9 page)

BOOK: The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved
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In the best relationships we are able to talk about this inward turning and the negative impact it is having on the relationship. But we have all found ourselves, and will find ourselves yet again, in relationships where we are either unable to have this conversation or our plea falls on deaf ears. It is then that we begin to ask ourselves, Do I keep giving freely and without reserve? Should I draw back a little? These are important questions, but the real question is, What do we hope to achieve by our giving?

Giving is an intrinsic part of a relationship, it is an indispensable component of our personal happiness, and the joy of giving is one of the most emotionally intoxicating experiences of this life. The joy of giving is one of life’s great virtuous pleasures. Yet we should never allow ourselves to lose sight of the reason for our giving. And, in fact, it is this reason that should set the bounds of our giving.

When a child comes to his father and asks for the latest video game, what will guide the father’s decision? Will he ask himself, “Can I afford it?” or will he ask himself, “Will this game help my son become the-best-version-of-himself?”

Our giving should be governed by our desire to become the-best-version-of-ourselves and our desire to help others do the same. Our giving must therefore be restrained and directed, for disconnected from our essential purpose even something as good and noble as giving becomes useless, distorted, self-indulgent, even dangerous.

Should we give of ourselves in order to bring happiness to others? Absolutely.

Should we give to the point that our giving becomes self-destructive? No. I don’t think we should. There will be times when we will be asked to give in ways that require us to forgo our own legitimate needs, just as a mother gives up precious sleep to feed her child. But this type of giving should be the exception and not the rule in relationships. And more than ever, when giving requires great personal sacrifice and the forgoing of our own legitimate needs, we must constantly be tempering our giving by asking ourselves, Is this going to help the other person become the-best-version-of-himself or herself?

How much should we give? It’s a difficult question, and like all of life’s difficult questions it should be answered with our goal and purpose in mind.

Sometimes we have to be willing to give completely and in ways that are self-diminishing, but not every day and not at the whim and abuse of other selfish people. Our giving should not be a blind and reckless kind. We should give with the other person’s best self in mind.

Your relationships are like trees. You can cut them down for firewood and you will be warm today, but you can only do it once. Or you can nurture yourself and your relationships, and if you do, you will enjoy their fruits for many, many years to come…and every year the fruit will be sweeter.

E
MBRACE THE
M
YSTERY

 

A

tree with strong roots can weather any storm. If you have not done so already, the day to start growing those roots is today. Gratitude, respect, and discipline are three powerful ways to ground and nurture your relationships. But keep in mind also, that trees sway in the wind. They are not rigid. Even the largest and strongest trees sway when the wind blows. Allow for uncertainty; you can be sure it will come. Find the lesson in the unexpected; it has come to help you in your quest to become the-best-version-of-yourself. Try to enjoy mystery; it will keep you young.

The present culture despises uncertainty, and so we waste endless amounts of time and energy trying to create the illusion of security and attempting to control the uncontrollable. We curse the unexpected because it interferes with our plans, even though it often carries with it the challenge we need at that moment to change and to grow into a-better-version-of-ourselves. In the same way, our culture has no time for mystery. If we cannot solve it or prove it, then we ignore it or discredit it.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, it is a mystery to be lived,” wrote Kierkegaard. Your spouse is not a problem to be solved, your children are not problems to be solved, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your partner or fiancé is not a problem to be solved. They are mysteries to be accepted, encouraged, experienced, and enjoyed.

Relationships are not to be understood and fixed and solved; they, too, are mysteries to be enjoyed.

The best participants in the mystery we call relationship seem to be the people who don’t need to understand everything, the ones who aren’t out to prove anything, those humble enough to accept when they are wrong and hold their tongues when they are right, the people who don’t have an agenda, who aren’t in a hurry, and who don’t need the credit when things go right and don’t pass the blame when things go wrong.

These are the rare souls who seem to be able to hold their arms wide open and embrace fully the mystery of loving and the joy of being loved.

CHAPTER FOUR
 
W
HAT
I
S
D
RIVING
Y
OUR
R
ELATIONSHIPS
?
 
 

Y
OU AND
Y
OUR
R
ELATIONSHIPS

 

T

he happiest people on the planet are the men and women who have dynamic relationships.

This has been the one consistent discovery in my travels to more than fifty countries in the past ten years. No matter what continent you are on or what culture you are exploring, it stands as a self-evident and universal truth. The happiest people give focus and priority to their relationships, and as a result have a richer experience of relationship and of life.

Family is important to them; friendship is important to them. I have moved among the extremely well educated and the woefully uneducated. Educated people aren’t happier than uneducated people. I have sat at meals with men and woman of extraordinary financial wealth and with those living in the cruelest poverty. The rich are not necessarily happier than the poor. I have lived among people who had seemingly little to worry about, people who had much to hope for in the future, and people under the death sentence of terminal illness and other tyrannies. The same truth is evident among all people, at all times, and in all situations: the happiest people are those who cherish the mystery of relationship.

John Wooden, the college basketball coach of note, once said in an interview with
Sports Illustrated:
“Why is it so hard for so many to realize that winners are usually the ones who work harder, work longer and, as a result, perform better?” It is true in sports, it is true in business, and yes, it is true in relationships.

There are winners and losers in relationships. I am not talking about the games that have become a seemingly intrinsic part of the modern dating scene. In a relationship, one person doesn’t win while the other loses. It is absurd even to speak in such terms. Either both win, or both lose. That’s why so much is at stake. That’s why we feel so powerless and helpless at times in relationships. That’s why it is so important to choose the right people to spend our limited time and energy in relationships with. When I speak of winners and losers in relationships, I speak of the reality that some couples win and other couples lose.

In terms of relationships we must then ask: why is it so hard for so many to realize that great relationships are usually the ones where people work harder, work longer, and as a result have better relationships? The reason is, perhaps, that we don’t want to admit that the winning or the losing is a choice that is within our control. Perhaps we don’t want to admit that the difference between a great relationship and a failing relationship is our choice…not individually, but as a couple.

The significance of positive relationships is not confined to the emotional realm, nor is it limited to the time we set aside for family and social activities. The power and influence of positive relationships spills over into every aspect of our lives.

People who are involved in a positive primary relationship are more effective and more efficient in the workplace; they are more involved in community activities, and they tend to be better parents, friends, siblings, children, colleagues, and citizens.

The opposite is also true. People who are involved in a primary relationship that is struggling are generally less focused in the other areas of their lives, and as a result they are less effective and efficient. More often than not, they are looking to have needs met that are not being met in their primary relationship. It is natural that they look to the workplace, or to their relationships with parents, friends, siblings, children, and colleagues in an attempt to have their need for intimacy met. But often the intimacy they are seeking is not appropriate to the relationship they try to extract it from. The result is, of course, further friction and frustration.

The state of our relationships has an impact on every aspect of our lives. You don’t leave a struggling relationship at home when you go to work or school, and you don’t check a tumultuous relationship at the door of your other friendships. If you have a relationship that is struggling, there’s a good chance it is affecting many areas of your life. The troubled relationship may be with a spouse or significant other, or you may have a relationship with a colleague, friend, child, parent, or sibling that has fallen on rough times. Relationships affect us deeply, and a failing or struggling relationship can have a negative impact on the way we perform at work, the hope we hold for the future, the way we feel about ourselves, what we eat or don’t eat, the way we spend our time, and every other aspect of our daily life. On the other hand, when we are thriving in our relationships, especially our primary relationship, we tend to carry a very positive atmosphere with us wherever we go.

A dynamic primary relationship doesn’t just change the social aspect of our lives, it changes our whole lives by changing the way we see ourselves and the world.

This book is about giving you the tools necessary to create a dynamic primary relationship. The seven levels of intimacy provide a simple model—the strength of any good model is simplicity—but the process is not easy. Sometimes the biggest mistake we make is believing, at the outset, that the journey ahead is going to be easy. Such a traveler almost always comes unprepared and under-supplied.

You may be well into your journey and have discovered that you need to stop to get resupplied; you may be just beginning your journey; or you may be trying to decide whether you want to set out at all. Whatever may be the case, I am delighted that our paths have crossed and I hope that the ideas that fill the pages of this book will prove useful to you in your quest for intimacy.

It takes a lifetime to build great relationships and to learn how to sustain them. Along the way, there will be great moments of triumph and ecstasy and other moments of trial and heartache. This book is no quick fix and it doesn’t contain all the answers. It is simply a tool to help you reconnect with your deep desire to be involved in great relationships.

Connecting with people in a powerful way is a skill that must be developed, nurtured, and practiced.

Most of what we do every day we do simply to survive. Relationships are what drive us to survive.

W
HAT

S
N
OT
W
ORKING
I
N
Y
OUR
L
IFE
?

 

W

hat’s not working in your life? It’s one of the questions I start with during the opening sessions of my seminars and retreats. The reality is we all have areas of our lives that are not functioning the way we would like them to. And yet, our tendency is to ignore these areas, hoping they will go away or change. They won’t. We need to face them, explore them, and wrestle with them.

The challenges that come our way in life are simply opportunities to change, to grow, and to become the-best-version-of-ourselves.

When I ask “What’s not working in your life?” at my seminars, I always have people take a few moments to write down their answers. There is something powerful about writing these things down; it can very often be the first step toward solving or healing these areas of our lives. By simply writing them down, we start to own them and in some small way we begin to cast them out.

In the group setting, we then begin to discuss how different people answered the question. Invariably, every participant includes one or more relationships on their list. Later in the seminar, when I ask participants to rank the things that are not working in their lives, 90 percent rank a relationship in the number one position.

Relationships are either growing or dying. There is no middle ground. This is one of the governing principles of the universe. Everything is constantly changing.

Sometimes we may think that a certain relationship is just stagnating, but it isn’t. It’s dying, and if we don’t do something to rejuvenate it that relationship will die. Over and over people say to me, “I feel my relationship with my spouse has been stagnant for ten years or more.” A quick look at the way they speak to each other, the way they treat each other, the way they look at each other, and you discover their relationship died ten years ago. They just didn’t acknowledge it.

So before we move forward, I would like you to set this book down for ten or fifteen minutes. Take out your journal, or your planner, or some blank writing paper, and make a list of all the relationships in your life that are important to you. Go through all the different areas of your life (home, family, work, school, church, and so on) and write a list of all the people who are important to your life.

Don’t agonize over the person you forget to put on the list, because you are sure to forget someone. Make the list quickly. It doesn’t have to be perfect or definitive.

Now, once you have made your list of the more significant people in the different areas of your life, I would like you to answer the question, Which relationships aren’t working? Again, put together a list.

It is, of course, possible that you don’t have a relationship that is seriously struggling at this time in your life. Take a moment to be grateful for that, but then turn your attention to those relationships you would like to improve in some way. Put together a list. Then, as we move through the rest of the book, keep your list handy.

The sensation we call love can expand or contract. It expands when it is nurtured and contracts when it is neglected. Dynamic relationships require effort and self-sacrifice and thoughtfulness, and if you and your partner are willing to bring these things to the table, your experience of love can expand endlessly and infinitely.

Infinite expansion is possible, but not in an infinite number of relationships. You have only so much time and energy, so you have to decide which relationships matter most. You have to be willing to opt out of certain relationships in order to give your most important ones the time and attention that they require and deserve.

It is also crucial to point out that the purpose of this book is not to keep your relationships together. Keep in mind that the purpose of relationships is not to sustain them at all costs; the purpose of relationships is to help people become the-best-version-of-themselves.

Some relationships are not worth saving.

This may seem harsh at first glance, but it is an elementary truth. Some relationships are simply not worth saving and some people come into our lives just to help us grow through a certain situation. So, just because you were once close friends doesn’t mean you need to always be close friends. Just because you were best friends in high school or inseparable in college doesn’t mean you are going to be (or even need to be) best friends forever. Some people come into our lives at a particular moment for a particular reason, and that is enough.

If a relationship isn’t working, you have options. Life is choices. You can stay in the relationship and continue to let it die, you can abandon the relationship, or you can decide to transform the relationship into a dynamic collaboration.

Y
OUR
P
RIMARY
R
ELATIONSHIP

 

Y

our primary relationship is generally the one you have with your significant other. Depending upon what stage you are in your life, this relationship could be with a boyfriend or girlfriend, a fiancé or fiancée, or a spouse. This primary relationship is your emotional home. It should be a place where you can go to relax and unwind, though you can be certain that from time to time work will need to be done around the house, and there are always certain emotional chores to attend to. But your emotional home (your primary relationship) should very much be a place where you feel comfortable to be yourself and to reveal yourself.

This primary relationship is our first source and opportunity for intimacy.

If you are single, then there is a very good chance that a number of secondary relationships are on a higher level for you than they are for people who are involved in a primary relationship. If, or when, you enter a primary relationship, it would be natural for you to become less involved in these secondary relationships. This is simply a matter of resource allocation. You have a limited amount of time to spend with family and friends, and a primary relationship at some point takes precedence over secondary relationships.

This is the dynamic that causes people to complain, “You never have time for us since you started dating so-and-so” or “She used to hang out with us all the time.” These complaints tend to be exaggerated, but in any case, once we find ourselves in an important primary relationship we shouldn’t feel guilty about spending less time with our friends and more time with our significant other. We don’t completely ignore our friends because we are in a primary relationship, but it stands to reason that we will have less time to spend with them.

There are three questions you should ask about your significant other: Do you trust your partner? Do you believe that this person has your best interests at heart? Is this person helping you to become the-best-version-of-yourself?

If you trust your partner, why? What did he or she do to build this trust in you? Similarly, if you don’t trust your significant other, it is important to try to pinpoint the reasons and to recall some specific situations that have led you to distrust him or her. Again, there is a certain power in writing these things down; it sometimes helps us to look at them a little more objectively. So if you have your journal or planner handy, take some time to answer these questions in writing.

If you noted that your significant other has your best interests at heart, what makes you believe that? On the other hand, if you don’t believe your partner has your best interests at heart, what do you think is motivating him or her to be in the relationship with you?

BOOK: The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved
5.81Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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