The Skeptics Annotated Bible (44 page)

29 And Jacob asked him, and said,
Tell me, I pray thee, thy name
. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.

(32.29)
“Tell me, I pray thee, thy name.”
God refuses to tell Jacob his name. (It’s a secret.)

30 And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for
I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.

(32.30)
“I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.”
Jacob saw God face to face and lived.
49 Has anyone seen God?

31 And as he passed over Penuel the sun rose upon him, and he halted upon his thigh.

32
Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew
which shrank, which is upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day:
because he touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh
in the sinew that shrank.

(32.32)
“Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew … because he touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh.”
Jews don’t eat the sinew of something or other because God messed with Jacob’s leg while wrestling with him. (Now that’s a good reason!)

33
And Jacob lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, Esau came, and with him four hundred men. And he divided the children unto Leah, and unto Rachel, and unto the two handmaids.

2 And he put the handmaids and their children foremost, and Leah and her children after, and Rachel and Joseph hindermost.

3 And he passed over before them, and bowed himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother.

4 And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.

5 And he lifted up his eyes, and saw the women and the children; and said, Who are those with thee? And he said, The children which God hath graciously given thy servant.

6 Then the handmaidens came near, they and their children, and they bowed themselves.

7 And Leah also with her children came near, and bowed themselves: and after came Joseph near and Rachel, and they bowed themselves.

8 And he said, What meanest thou by all this drove which I met? And he said, These are to find grace in the sight of my lord.

9 And Esau said, I have enough, my brother; keep that thou hast unto thyself.

10 And Jacob said, Nay, I pray thee, if now I have found grace in thy sight, then receive my present at my hand: for therefore
I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God,
and thou wast pleased with me.

(33.10)
“I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God.”
Since Jacob just saw the face of God a few verses ago (32.30), he ought to know what God looks like. So now we do too. God looks just like Esau! Which is kind of strange, since God hates Esau (Mal 1.3, Rom 9.13).

So all those pictures of God that you’ve seen? They had it all wrong. God is a redhead, just like Esau was. In fact, God is covered with red hair all over his body. And every time God looks in the mirror, he says to himself, “Damn, I look just like Esau. And I hate Esau.” Unless, of course, Jacob was a liar. (Which he was. That’s why God likes him so much. See 27.19)

11 Take, I pray thee, my blessing that is brought to thee; because God hath dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough. And he urged him, and he took it.

12 And he said, Let us take our journey, and let us go, and I will go before thee.

13 And he said unto him, My lord knoweth that the children are tender, and the flocks and herds with young are with me: and if men should overdrive them one day, all the flock will die.

14 Let my lord, I pray thee, pass over before his servant: and I will lead on softly, according as the cattle that goeth before me and the children be able to endure, until I come unto my lord unto Seir.

15 And Esau said, Let me now leave with thee some of the folk that are with me. And he said, What needeth it? let me find grace in the sight of my lord.

16 So Esau returned that day on his way unto Seir.

17 And Jacob journeyed to Succoth, and built him an house, and made booths for his cattle: therefore the name of the place is called Succoth.

18 And Jacob came to Shalem, a city of Shechem, which is in the land of Canaan,
when he came from Padan-aram
; and pitched his tent before the city.

(33.18)
“When he came from Padanaram”
73 When did Jacob rename Luz to Bethel?

19 And he bought a parcel of a field, where he had spread his tent, at the hand of the children of Hamor, Shechem’s father, for an hundred pieces of money.

20 And he erected there an altar, and called it El-elohe-Israel.

34
And
Dinah
the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob,
went out to see the daughters of the land.

(34.1-31) Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is “defiled” by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive.

(34.1)
“Dinah … went out to see the daughters of the land.”

2 And when
Shechem
the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he
took her, and lay with her, and defiled her.

(34.2)
“Shechem … took her, and lay with her, and defiled her.”

3
And his soul clave unto Dinah
the daughter of Jacob,
and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel.

(34.3)
“And his soul clave unto Dinah … and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel.”

4 And
Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife.

(34.4)
“Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife.”

5 And Jacob heard that he had defiled Dinah his daughter: now his sons were with his cattle in the field: and Jacob held his peace until they were come.

6 And Hamor the father of Shechem went out unto Jacob to commune with him.

7
And the sons of Jacob
came out of the field when they heard it: and the men were grieved, and they
were very wroth, because he had wrought folly in Israel in lying with Jacob’s daughter
; which thing ought not to be done.