The Undead Day Nineteen (28 page)

‘Okay.’

‘We could print some leaflets,’ Dave says, ‘and then distribute them either house to house or from a low flying aircraft.’

‘Um…’

‘We don’t have a printing press,’ Paula says.

‘Then no, Miss Paula…’

‘Paula.’

‘No, Miss Paula. I cannot think of a better way…’

‘Paula. Just Paula.’

‘Oh no, no no no,’ I say quickly, ‘I’m stuck with Mr Howie so you can be Miss Paula.’

‘I do not wish to be called Miss Paula.’

‘I do not wish to be called Mr Howie but it seems to have bloody happened.’

‘Load up,’ Paula says, glaring at me, ‘we’re moving out.’

‘I always say that.’

‘Sorry,
Mr
Howie.’

‘S’fine,
Miss
Paula.’

Twenty

On the road again and we build speed on the motorway heading back towards the hotel as the people on the minibus drink water and eat our snack food, the thought of which makes my stomach rumble and gurgle.

Another shitfest of a day that started off so nicely. I made love to Marcy under the stars, went to bed and cuddled up then woke up to be dissolved by a bloke who may or may not be a priest or a vicar and then it turns to shit again and to top it off my caffeine levels are plummeting.

Back onto the junction that leads to the golf hotel but this time we don’t take the turning towards it but head the other direction towards the town that Reggie says is there. Thinking of Reggie makes me think of Neal.

‘Reggie, it’s Howie. You there?’

‘Here, Mr Howie.’

‘Why did it target Neal like that?’

‘That is a very good question and one that needs serious consideration and time to go through his journals and books.’

‘I’ve got this horrible feeling we’ve just fucked up massively.’

‘How could you have prevented such a thing?’

‘We should have spoken to him last night. Did he say anything to you?’

‘There wasn’t time, Mr Howie. Everything happened so fast.’

‘Still a monumental fuck up. He said about a list, what was he on about? Did he mention it to you?’

‘Only that he had one. I gather the list contains names of people that may be immune. Mr Howie, far be it for me to ever seek to guide you but perhaps now is the time to focus on the task in hand. We are in an area we know is hostile and one that could contain any number of new host bodies very recently turned.’

‘Yeah, yeah you’re right, we’ll go through it later. As soon as we’ve done this we’re running for the fort.’

‘I understand. What is our plan now?’

‘Now? We’re going to drive through the town using the loudspeaker.’

‘Yes of course and how do we execute that? Who is driving the vehicles? Are you forming a guard on the minibus? Is Charlie being deployed on the horse? Are you going on foot or planning to stay within the vehicles because both the Saxon and this vehicle are armoured whereas the minibus is not.’

‘You’ve created a monster,’ Marcy says from next to me.

‘Good points, Clarence? Can anyone in that bus drive it?’

‘I’ll find someone.’

‘Charlie, how fast can you get the horse out and ready?’

‘I’ll need about ten minutes at the most but I can ride her within seconds in an emergency, Mr Howie.’

‘Okay, Reginald? Can you drive Roy’s van?’

‘I am not a driver, Mr Howie.’

‘Paula?’

‘Boss, it’s Clarence. Kyle can drive Roy’s van.’

‘Have you asked him?’

‘Just did, he’s fine with it.’

‘Right, Kyle driving Roy’s van. Everyone else on foot. Charlie on the horse…Marcy, you drive the Saxon.’

‘I’m sitting right next to you.’

‘Yes I know but it’s so everyone else can hear.’

‘Roger roger…’

‘Don’t be sarcastic, Nick, if we get heavy contact you fall back to the GPMG.’

‘Got it.’

‘Marcy, you’re on the loudspeaker as we go through.’

‘I feel like an idiot using the radio when I’m sitting next to you…yes fine, I’ll use the loudspeaker.’

‘Where are you going to be?’
Paula asks.

‘Out on foot, in fact,’
I say, bringing the Saxon to a gradual stop, ‘
we’ve got the first houses ahead. Everyone out and get ready, Marcy, you take over driving.’

‘Sir, yes Sir Mr Howie Sir. Er, what the hell do I say into the loudspeaker and er…how do you use it? Oh and where is it?’

‘Nick?’

‘I’ll show you,’ Nick says leaning over the back of the seat.

‘
Charlie, we’ll hold here. Get ready on the horse.’

‘Doing it now, Mr Howie.’

I go to the front of the Saxon and stare down the road to the row of five terraced cottages set back behind pretty front gardens enclosed by a low wall. The feel is still rural with rolling pasture land on the opposite side of the road. The hedgerow is thick and very green and already I can see new shoots stretching to grow out. Birdsong fills the air. Insects humming and buzzing about amidst beautifully coloured butterflies flapping frantically but still looking graceful.

Movement to my side and I glance to see Dave standing quietly, ‘alright?’

‘Yes, Mr Howie.’

‘Might as well make a start,’ I say, looking behind him to the others getting into position, ‘you coming with me?’

‘Yes, Mr Howie.’

‘Righto mate.’

We head up the road towards the first house as the air bursts apart from a static filled squeal of feedback coming from the Saxon’s loudspeaker. I wince and turn to see Marcy holding the handset and Nick leaning over to jab at things in the central console. It goes off then comes back on. Louder and higher pitched. I wince again, turning my head from the noise and seeing everyone else doing the same thing.

‘
SORRY.’
Marcy’s voice booms from the speakers making us all flinch and take a step away and even Meredith drops low to the ground with a whine.

‘Too loud…’
Paula says into the radio.

‘
YES I KNOW…HANG ON.’

‘
Marcy, it’s too loud!’

‘
YES HOWIE I KNOW THAT! WE’RE TRYING TO FIX IT.’

‘Marcy, your booming tones are startling the horse…’

‘I’LL BLOODY STARTLE YOU IN A MINUTE REGGIE.’

‘Fuck’s sake, turn it off,’
I hiss.

‘TRY THAT,’
Nick’s voice rolls out to echo from the mountains in distant Scotland and I wouldn’t be surprised if an Eskimo zombie in Finland just turned round.

‘IT’S STILL TOO LOUD,’
Marcy replies.

‘No shit…really?’

‘NOT HELPING HOWIE.’

‘TRY IT NOW.’

‘
That’s it, Nick,’
I transmit, giving a thumbs up to the windscreen and seeing Marcy holding a finger up at me in response.

‘BETTER NOW?’ Marcy asks.

‘Yeah that’s fine, fuck me I think my ears are bleeding.’

‘THEY WILL BE IF YOU DON’T STOP MOANING…SO WHAT DO I SAY?’

‘I don’t bloody know! Make something up.’

‘Marcy, tell ‘em we’re the living army and we’ve come to rescue all the pretty ladies.’

‘COOKEY I AM NOT SAYING THAT…ER…I KNOW, HOW ABOUT…PLEASE COME OUT OF YOUR HOUSES. WE ARE TAKING YOU TO SOMEWHERE SAFE…HOW WAS THAT?’

‘
Yeah not totally fucking frightening at all,’
I say into the radio.

‘YOU ARE GETTING RIGHT ON MY TITS TODAY HOWIE…’

‘I haven’t had coffee.’

‘YOU HAD A COFFEE. I SAW YOU DRINKING IT.’

‘That was only one.’

‘DO NOT BE ALARMED. WE ARE HERE TO HELP. PLEASE COME OUT IF YOU…’

‘You sound like a Dalek now.’

‘HOWIE!’

‘Marcy, it’s Paula. Tell them not to drink the water and to come out if they want to come with us to a safe place.’

‘Yeah,
’ I say with a nod at the Saxon, ‘
Say that.’

‘WELL MAYBE PAULA SHOULD DO THIS INSTEAD THEN…’

‘Fuck me,’ I groan and shake my head at Dave, ‘
can we just get on please?’

‘FINE.’

‘Fine.’

‘GOOD.’

‘That’s great. Me and Dave are going to the first house now.’

‘GOOD LUCK.’

‘Thanks.’

‘DON’T GET EATEN BY A ZOMBIE.’

‘Not zombies.’

‘SORRY CLARENCE.’

‘Come on,’ I start moving up the road again with Dave as the others take up positions round the bus. Clarence and Roy move further up towards us, ready to respond.

‘Wait up,’ Paula says, running to catch up.

‘DON’T DRINK THE WATER. PLEASE COME OUT IF YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN TO A SAFE PLACE. THE WATER IS INFECTED. DO NOT DRINK THE WATER…’

‘Actually the water itself is not infected but it may hold particles of material within which the infection is surviving as it navigates the…’

‘PISS OFF REGGIE…THE WATER IS INFECTED…DON’T DRINK THE BLOODY WATER…’

‘It’s going to be a very long day,’ Paula mutters as we go down the path to the first house. I knock on the door and the three of us stand quietly while Marcy’s amplified voice booms out. I knock again and we wait. Paula smiles at me so I smile back. Dave stares at the door. ‘Nobody home,’ Paula says, ‘next one?’

‘Yep.’

We go up the path, along the road and back down the next path to knock on the door and wait.

‘..IS INFECTED. DO NOT DRINK THE WATER. PLEASE COME OUT IF YOU…HAVE I GOT TO KEEP SAYING THIS?’

‘You answer her,’ I say when Paula stares at me.

‘She’s your girlfriend.’

‘She’s not my girlfriend.’

‘No? Did you have sex last night?’

‘Eh? What the fuck…’

‘Then she is your girlfriend.’

‘How the fuck do you work that one out?’

‘Morals, Howie,’ she says as though that answers everything and knocks on the door again, ‘nobody here either, next one?’

We go up the path, along the road and back down the next path to knock on the door and wait.

‘Did Marcy tell you we had sex?’

‘I can’t tell you that,’ she says.

‘But…that doesn’t make us boyfriend and girlfriend.’

‘No? Do you want to tell her that?’

‘No.’

‘Well there you go then.’

‘Fine.’

‘Don’t sulk. If you don’t want a girlfriend then don’t have sex with them.’

‘Fine.’

We go up the path, along the road and back down the next path to knock on the door and wait.

‘Them?’ I ask her.

‘What?’

‘You said them. What does that mean? Them?’

‘Lani and Marcy. You had sex with them.’

‘Yeah but…that was two people not
them
…like…’

‘Them,’ she says with a shrug, ‘I don’t think anyone is home here either.’

We go up the path, along and back down.

‘Yeah but the way you said it makes it seem like loads.’

‘That’s your mind making that connection. I just said them.’

I breathe out and wait to see if anyone will answer the door.

‘WHY AM I USING THIS IF YOU’RE KNOCKING ON EVERY DOOR?’

‘Just because you have sex with someone doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship,’ I say as we head for the last cottage.

‘No? I didn’t think you were the promiscuous type.’

‘I’m not.’

‘Ah, commitment phobe then.’

‘What? I’m not…I’m not anything. I’m just pointing out that…’

‘I heard you but refer back to my previous answer. You tell Marcy you are not in a relationship and see what she says.’

‘She’d stab me.’

‘There you go then.’

‘Or shoot me.’

‘Both probably.’

‘Stab me then shoot me then stab me again.’

‘Marcy will not stab you, Mr Howie. Nor will she shoot you.’

‘Cheers, Dave but it was more of a er…rhetorical statement? No not rhetorical…Paula? What’s the word?’

‘Twat? All empty,’ she says, standing back from the door, ‘they’re all locked up though.’

‘Maybe they’re hiding,’ I say.

‘I would if I saw us outside,’ she says glumly.

‘Fair one,’ I say, ‘I really need a coffee.’

We head back down the road towards the vehicles and there she is looking like the poster for the Living Army recruitment campaign. Join now. Ride a horse and kill zombies. Jess trots towards us lifting her legs high with each step as her head tosses side to side all bouncy and poised. Charlie holds the reins one handed and the assault rifle in her other and every single one of us stares in abject admiration. They were born to be together and they look fantastic as she glides it round in a circle with a grin spreading across her face.

‘I’m actually in love…with the horse though, not Charlie.’

She laughs at Cookey’s words spoken dreamily through the radio and looks over to me. ‘Mr Howie,’ she calls out politely, ‘I am ready. Where do you want us?’

‘Where is your axe?’ Dave asks, his tone as flat as ever.

‘I don’t have an axe. I used Blinky’s last night,’ Charlie says, pulling the horse back to hold her steady. I always thought horses were meant to be nice and docile but this thing looks rabid with bulging angry eyes and lips that keep flicking back to show her big stained teeth. She hooves the ground, impatient to be moving and snorting round until she spots Clarence and moves closer to him to sniff his hands.