True North (2 page)

“
Yeah, they’ll want to make out with their stupid girlfriends without us catching them,” she agreed.

That took the joy out of my cup-kiss.

We chugged the rest and went back inside. There were at least a couple hundred people around, and it was getting close to one a.m. Jake was there with Jessica Andrews hanging all over him—they weren’t even dating. I wondered what it would be like to walk over there and just grab a handful of her hair and yank her to the floor. Before I knew it I had put one foot in front of the other and was making an advance, but I was pulled to a stop when Nathaniel grabbed my elbow.

Thanks, party crasher!

“
Caleb already told Julia it was time for bed,” he said.

“
Fucking Gestapo,” I muttered.

“
Excuse me?” He squeezed my arm.

“
Do you have to make it sound like I’m such a baby and do it in front of everybody?” I hissed quietly so only he’d hear it.

“
Aw! Come on, little sis, you’re lucky you got to come at all,” he shouted, laughing.

“
Douchebag,” I growled. Jessica and a bunch of the other girls were giggling.
Thanks for the mortification, Nate!

I turned before I could catch Jake’s eyes and be further embarrassed and headed upstairs to the wing of the North mansion that housed Jules’ bedroom. Although the music was still loud up here, it was empty and away from the noise of the crowds—more my speed.

The beautiful hardwood floor under my Chucks was silent. As I passed Jake’s bedroom door, I couldn’t help myself. I stood in front of it for a moment with my hand on the warm wood. My head felt like a balloon filled with helium—high and giddy.

He’s downstairs
, I reasoned.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had twisted the doorknob and pushed it open.

What the hell am I thinking?

Who cares!
I answered myself. I only had a minute so I jumped inside and closed the door behind me.

OH. MY. GOD. It smelled of Jake, it looked like Jake … it
was
Jake! Posters of Jake’s favorite bands and cars were plastered all over the walls. His blanket was black and white and his pillowcase matched. He had a black light over one wall with a bunch of black light art. I totally wanted to see what it would look like on. But, surprisingly, considering the number of times Jake had been in my room, I’d never been in here before. And if I thought I’d been intoxicated before I opened the door? It was nothing compared to the intoxication I felt by being in his most secret, most intimate place. It was really neat and clean, and he had two Army bags at the side of his bed. I almost started to cry, remembering what this party was for in the first place. So I put myself in motion, hoping to dull the ache in my chest.

My fingers lightly skimmed his dresser: random cd’s, books, an empty cup. It looked like he’d packed everything of importance to either bring with him or store. That’s when the idea hit me …
a souvenir.

Oh shit!
Now I was going to steal! I nodded as I calculated the theft. What wouldn’t he notice? A t-shirt from his drawer? Maybe, but I’d have to go
into
his drawers. That cup? Not personal enough.

I didn’t know what to take. I just knew I was going to miss him … So. Much. And worse, there was the chance I’d never see him again, ever. He could get married—bad; he could die—God forbid; he could just decide to settle somewhere far away from N.D. and I’d never know where. That happened a lot with people. Happened with my mom.

I lay down on his bed and curled into the blanket. Pulling his pillow into my face, I breathed deeply and savored his musky scent. I squeezed my eyes at the pain of possibly never seeing him again.

Then I heard footfalls coming from down the hall. It was now or never! I grabbed the pillowcase off the pillow and quickly stuffed it under my shirt and pressed my back flat against the wall next to the door. My heart beat so loudly, I was sure whoever was out there could hear it!

I didn’t breathe again until the footsteps passed. Once they were gone, I made my break for Julia’s room. She was already asleep, and I carefully pushed Jake’s stolen pillowcase into my backpack, when a knock made me leap back and gasp.

“
Shh! You’ll wake the house,” the familiar voice whispered through the closed door.

I rushed to it with my heart palpitating. Literally. I swung open the door. “Jake?”

Only he could smile that way and make me forget every rational and sane thought in my head. “Come with me, hurry up.”

“
Are you sure Jessica’s big tits won’t miss you too much?” I jeered.

“
Stop it,” he scolded as he led me
into
his bedroom!

I was struck speechless, and when I saw the bare pillow I just about started to freak out. But he didn’t notice, just opened his window and began climbing out of it.

“
I’ll go first.” He turned and beckoned for me to follow.

I shook myself. “It’s three stories up, Jake!”

“
You’re not scared are you, Liv?” he teased. “I’ll protect you.”

Is there any feeling like the euphoria that is injected into your veins like a drug when the biggest crush of your life’s existence says he’ll protect you? No. The answer is no.

I jogged across the room before we were caught and swung my leg over the window sill, wiggling until I felt the ladder. “Who’s holding the bottom?”

“
It’s a rope ladder. No one has to hold it. Josh has been using it to practice fire drills. He’s sloshed tonight, so he’ll never miss it.” Josh North, Jake’s older brother by two years, was training to become a professional firefighter. Daredevils, every single one of them.

The exhilaration had me shaking with either fear or adrenaline. I was climbing down the North’s mansion with Jake himself—
HAHA Jessica!
—three stories in the air at two in the morning. Or was it three? Nate would
kill
me!

“
Don’t look down, Liv.” Why do people always tell you not to look down? Don’t they understand that when they say that it’s the first thing you do?

“
Jake!” I breathed out from between my teeth.

“
You’re okay.” His voice was deep and perfectly soothing. I felt the ladder jostle, and the soothing feelings were gone. Then I felt his arms come up around me, and his chest pressed into my back. If I died like this, it would be okay. Really.

“
We’re halfway down now. We’ll do the last half together,” he said. Rung by rung, we climbed, his body pressed into mine. That scent from his pillow mixed with the rum on his breath, along with his touch, had me feeling heady and invincible. We stopped for a moment and he said, “You can let go now.”

Too soon.
I may have only been fifteen but I’d gone to sex education class. Every hormone in my entire body was racing through me and pooled in places I hardly thought existed.

“
Where are we going?” I asked, breathless. “I can’t see anything.”

“
I’ll help you.” And with that, Jake felt around in the dark until he found my hand.

A swarm of butterflies were trapped helplessly inside my belly as each of his fingers linked around mine. I thought about pinching myself to see if I’d really just fallen asleep in Jules’ room, then thought better of it.

By the time we rounded the field and dipped behind the hill, the wind had chased the clouds away from the moon and stars, and they shone brightly above us. Jake turned to smile at me, never faltering and not letting go of my hand until we came to a patch of prairie grass and wildflowers that had been left for the North’s expansive cattle ranch. In the moonlight it looked lit by fairies. “I love it.”
I love you.

“
I thought you would. Come, sit down with me. I have something for you.”

I sat close to him in the tall grass. He sat in front of me and stared at me for a moment.

Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me.

“
I’ll be gone for a … long time, Liv. I’ve signed up for Special Forces and I’ll be overseas a lot.”

So he’d brought me here to crush my heart. I did my best to nod my understanding ‘cause I didn’t trust my voice.

“
Of all the people I know—even my family—I’ll miss you the most,” he confided. Before I had a chance to let those words take the full path from my heart to my brain he was handing me one of his earbuds. “Put it in your ear.” He put the second one in his.

Our heads had to come closer together so that we could share the earbuds. All the nerves in my body were turned up to high voltage.

His sure fingers lit up the iPod, and his selection started. Seether and Amy Lee began “Broken.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper and held it out to me.

If eyes could touch, ours did. It was more than a look or a meeting, it was a touch. This might have been what an out-of-body experience was like, because I certainly didn’t feel attached to earth’s gravity.

Our fingers settled against one another’s as we passed the paper. Neither of us moved as the music danced around in our heads. Jake’s free hand reached up and lightly grazed my cheek. “Open it.”

I carefully unfolded it. It was art paper. Inside was a beautiful pendant on a long leather cord. Then I noticed the paper had been written on. It was the lyrics to the song we were listening to now. Was he telling me he’d be broken without me?

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. All my sassy personality was melted away.

“
This”—he lifted the pendant from the paper wrapping for me to see—“is a Celtic knot. You’re more Irish than me, but I’m still almost half.” He looked almost nervous now. Jake North never looked nervous. “The knot binds our hearts together.”

“
It does?” I smiled, looking at the magical talisman.

“
Wear this always, and I’ll always be close to you, Livie.” He removed my earbud for a moment while he slipped the necklace over my head.

His hands gently pulled my long black hair back. Having his hands on me was heaven. He put the earbud back in and restarted the song. The song was burning itself onto my heart—etching each sound, note and lyric there.

His face grew serious. “I hate leaving you, Livie, but this is something I need to do for too many reasons. You’ll be safe with Nathaniel and my brothers around to keep an eye on you. If anyone gives you a hard time—you let one of them know and they’ll beat the living shit out of them … got it?”

I nodded. Like an idiot.

He didn’t seem to think so—he smiled again.

I got it. The North boys were dangerous, no one crossed them. I started to say something when Jake’s hands cupped my face. Any coherent thought was gone and the only thing left in the universe was this song, his eyes and his close proximity.

“
If Caleb and Nathaniel knew I brought you here or that we were sitting like this, they’d fucking kill me. You know that right?” He looked serious and … sad.

“
You mean the way they’d kill you if they ever found out about all our late night talks?” I reminded him.

“
Yeah.” Seriousness faded into more of the sadness.

I was still holding the paper but thought it was time to let it fall to my lap. Jake sang the lyrics of Seether’s “Broken,” moved his beautiful face closer and let his lips graze mine so softly it was as if a butterfly had landed just long enough for me to feel the tickle. I knew he was still close because I felt his breath, so I opened my eyes, and found his still closed.

“
Livie, you’re still so young,” he breathed against my mouth.

A do-it-or-die courage pulsed through my every muscle and I grabbed the back of his head in my hands and pulled him into my waiting kiss. With permission given and inhibitions put aside, Jake’s lips set mine on fire. This wasn’t a tentative should-I-be-kissing-her kiss, this was an urgent I-can’t-believe-you’re-leaving-forever kiss. His arms wrapped around me as the paper crumpled between our bodies. Our lips continued to collide until I carefully allowed the tip of my tongue to slip over his bottom lip.

Jake’s eyes popped open.

“
Was that wrong?” I was immediately self-conscious.

“
No. Not wrong at all.”

“
It’s my first kiss. I’m nervous,” I confessed, thinking of all the practice he’d probably had and how novice I must seem. I tried to push that thought out quick before it stole my nerve.

“
I’ll always be your first kiss—always.” He stroked my cheeks with his thumbs. “Promise me you won’t forget me, Livie?”

“
I could never forget you.” I wanted to tell him that I loved him so badly, but I felt like such a child, even when the way he kissed me made me feel like a woman.

“
We have to go back to the house before someone catches on.” He stood up and reached his hand out to me.

I folded the paper with the song lyrics, securing it into my pocket, and took his hand
again
. We walked back to the house like that. As we headed back up the ladder he shielded me with his body
again.

Once we were in his room he checked the hallway. “It’s clear,” he said, but he looked at me like he didn’t want to say goodbye. He reached down and held the Celtic knot in his palm. “Remember what it means. My heart has always belonged to you. Think about me, Liv, and don’t say goodbye.” He hugged me hard then just about pushed me out of the room. “I
will
see you again. I will kiss you again,” he promised, and I noticed his eyes got watery just before he shut the door.

That was the last time I saw Jake.
Four years ago.
He was twenty-two now and I’d just turned nineteen.

He still owes me a kiss,
I thought bittersweetly.

The glutton for punishment that I was, I set my mp3 player to Seether’s “Broken” and allowed the music to wash over me while I sat alone in my car, underneath the fanfare. When Jake had first left, he’d written a letter every week and called every two weeks. But after his first tour in Iraq, less than a year later, he never wrote or called me again.