True North (8 page)

Oh my God, Liv, just go with it and stop trying to figure him and all of it out.
I was making myself a freaking lunatic!

I snuggled against the heat of his back and tried to take in the scenery around me, but I had no chance. Sanity was long gone and far away. My mind obsessed, and I was just relieved that he couldn’t read my thoughts.

Did any guy really keep five love songs from the same band in sequence on their playlist? No way, not guys like Jake. I was surprised he even had them on there.

Songs like “Nobody Else,” “Still Worth Fighting For” and “Come Undone” made me dizzy.

My head staggered, and I knew I had to stop, but it was too irresistible—for fuck’s sake even if I was lying to myself and all of this was a figment of my overactive imagination—the moment was mine to live in at this very second, even if it was all pretend on my part. I allowed my emotions to simmer to the boiling point—they were mine too, and even if I never got to see Jake again after today, I’d have this memory to always carry with me. Hell, I’d been carrying around the memory of my first kiss for four years—this one could fuel me for a decade.

If I could be brave enough to let myself fall apart just this once, would I someday find the courage to put myself back together again when he was gone?

What mattered most now, above everything else, was that I lived in this moment, because just like I’d come to life when he kissed me—I was so alive now simply by being with him.

I had never been pulled to anyone’s presence like I was to Jake.

We drove an hour north on 85 towards the Canadian border. Eventually, Jake turned us into the Lake Zahl Wildlife Refuge. The roads were empty and it felt like we were the only people in the world.

Jake brought us to the edge of the lake. The sun glinted off the water’s surface like magic. He shut down the engine and dropped the side stand.

“
Don’t move.” He carefully got off the bike, while My Darkest Days still played on. Slowly, he turned around and settled himself back on the bike, only this time he was facing me.

I felt like a magnet, and he was steel.

He drew his body over mine and I held my breath in anticipation. He leaned himself across me to reach into his saddlebags. I was completely and utterly undone by the press of him against me. I nearly died.

He came back up with two bottles of local Black Shox Porter from Laughing Sun Brewery. They were dripping with condensation and I realized he’d had them on ice. Securing one of the bottles between his thighs, he popped the top off the other. He met my eyes as he lifted the bottle to his lips for a long pull. I watched, mesmerized by the movement of his throat and the dip of his Adam’s apple.

Jake brought the bottle back down and held it out to me. The electricity in his eyes stirred my butterflies. In the exchange, I wrapped my fingers around the bottle and his hand, sending sparks clear down my arm. I tasted his mouth on the bottle’s edge like a kiss and was immediately aroused.

I had to close my eyes against these feelings and him and the intensity of the music before I shattered into a million pieces.

He was quiet, and when I finally opened my eyes, he was watching me. Neither of us said anything. I felt like we were trying to stitch the wound of the last three years that we’d lost so that we could come to this moment. Was that possible?

His gaze was too intense, and I looked out over the lake. Wild Canada Geese were flying overhead—my favorite birds.

“
Are you going to fly away, Liv?” His voice was deep and thick again.

When I brought my eyes back to him, he was looking at the geese too.

I offered him back the brew. “No.”

He thoughtfully ran his thumb over the lip of the bottle, and I wondered desperately what he was thinking about.

“
Are you?” I tried.

“
I’m tired of flying,” he said flatly.

I thought for a minute. “Well, this is a good place to land.”

“
Thanks for forgiving me for last night. You really kicked my ass. I wasn’t expecting it,” he confessed. “Not an excuse for me being an asshole. I’m not sure exactly what came over me, really.”

I nodded and watched him drain the bottle.

He switched the empty with the full and continued, “That’s not entirely true.” He popped the top and offered it to me first. I took it in my hand and listened intently so I didn’t miss a word. “They were all looking at you like you were good enough to eat, and I wanted to kill the lot of them. I’m not accustomed to jealousy, and it hit me hard.”

Jealousy’s good, right???
I guessed that sometimes it could mean being possessive in a bad way … but I was pretty sure that wasn’t Jake.

Since we’d gotten on the bike the darkness had left him, but now I was seeing those shadows descend over him again and tried to divert the conversation.

“
This was a beautiful place to come. I haven’t been here in a while,” I said.

“
I have a lot of amends to make, Olivia, but I don’t know how to do it. Or if it can even be done.”

I didn’t know what to say. I wondered what he needed from me most. What the boys said back at the house was haunting—did Jake have a deep wound we couldn’t see? If I stayed open and listened, would that be the right thing? Could I put my own hurt feelings from the past three years aside?

He gently pulled the bottle from my hand and drank and then stared at it. “You don’t owe me anything, Liv, and I definitely don’t deserve any favors from you …” His expression became pained, but he recovered quickly and masked it. “I want to ask you for one anyway.”

“
You want a favor … from me?” I had no idea what I could possibly have to give or what I could do for him. “I can do that.”

He looked up into my face with limited hope. “Pretend I never left.”

Chapter Seven

“
Come Undone”

My Darkest Days

I felt my brow crease in confusion even though I tried to hide it.

“
I had something to prove,” Jake said. “It might look like I come from a life of privilege, and I have in most every way. My mom and dad have successfully built this ranch and then their oil business from the ground up. Caleb was a natural at the business and took it right over, allowing my parents to live comfortably. Josh is a reigning MMA champ. Between that and rushing into burning buildings and saving people’s lives he’s doing well for himself.” He shook his head, guzzled the rest of the beer and set both empty bottles back into the leather pouch. Then he sat back a little and let his gaze trail over me. “I didn’t fit in anywhere. I didn’t have Sam’s musical talent or Will’s mind for business. But I wanted to accomplish something great apart from them … I needed to make my own name and see what I could do on my own.”

“
I can understand that.” I only had Nate to contend with; I wasn’t part of the most powerful family in the west. I got it. Jake had always moved to the beat of his own drummer; it was a part of his charm for me. “Do you feel like you’ve proved it now?”

He blew out a semi-bitter laugh. “That’s one hell of a loaded question.”

“
Well, I have all day,” I flirted playfully.

“
You do.” He looked like he wanted to reach out and touch me, and I so wished he would. “How’s school?”

That was a swift 180!
“Just started last month. Classes are good, and so far so are the instructors.”

“
Have you made any friends?” he asked, looking back towards the geese.

“
My roommate seems cool, but I really haven’t had a chance to forge friendships. I have a tendency to drive the long trek home every weekend. I forfeit the parties and the people I’d meet but …” I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t want to screw up my flawless GPA,” I said, grinning, “and, anyway, my home is important to me, it’s where Nate and my friends are.”

It seemed like his shoulders relaxed with my admission but then he stiffened again way too quickly. “And what’s been happening here on the home front?”

“
Same old,” I answered.
I can’t believe he really just drove all the way out here for the type of pleasant conversation you’d share with an old friend.
My heart sank into the pit of my stomach. What if that was exactly why he came out here? I hoped he didn’t notice my face fall.

“
I really blew it with you … not keeping in touch,” he acknowledged.

Was he apologizing or simply stating a fact?

“
I missed you.” I detected only disappointment in my tone. That was good, I was afraid anger would close him off before I could figure him out.

He looked back up at me, and when our eyes met, I felt my body warm under the intensity of his gaze.

“
You did? You … missed me?”

I pulled the Celtic knot out from under the jacket and laid it over my hand for him to see. He was lost in thought as he gently cupped his own hand underneath mine to examine the pendant.
“I wondered if you still wore it.”

“
I thought maybe you saw it last night.”

“
I saw the cord but wasn’t sure if it was the one I gave you.” He kept his eyes anchored on it as he said, “I’m sure you’ve had a few boyfriends who could have replaced it.”

And there it was! The question I’d hoped he was trying to ask. But now that it was out, I wasn’t sure how to answer him. Telling him I’d pined away for him seemed childish, even to me, especially since I wasn’t stupid or naïve to the fact that he’d probably had a very vibrant sexual existence without me.
Shit!

I wasn’t about to set my heart out there, not after last night or the years behind us … the same years he wanted me to
pretend
never happened. I couldn’t play into his cryptic questions; he could easily be trying to break some news to me that could potentially devastate me.

“
Well how about you, Jake? I thought you’d come home and announce your engagement or elopement or something.” I didn’t mean for it to sound so sour, but now it was out there and I couldn’t pull it back.

He gave me a settled look that carried the weight of a brick house. “I’ve never been serious about anyone except for you.”

In that moment I was blown away. Had I heard him right? Did he really just say what I thought he said?

I couldn’t hide my face, and I couldn’t turn away. He was holding the cord of my necklace taut and might have even pulled me towards him. Or maybe I imagined it. But he did have a death grip on the cord and it didn’t seem like he was thinking about letting it go slack in the least.

I had no walls ready in my defense. Instead I was profoundly undone. I felt lightheaded and my breath was unsteady.

“
I wanted to deserve you, to be everything that you needed. I failed so fucking hard, I don’t think I can fix it,” he lamented.

“
Maybe we could fix it together?” I said gently.

“
Together?” He exhaled. “Livie, are you with anyone?” He quickly interrupted himself, “Don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.”

“
Yes you do,” I challenged. “And no, I’m not.”

His shoulders relaxed and he sighed so deeply it was as if he’d been holding his breath for years.

He cupped my face and his touch was dizzying. He leaned into my space until we shared the same warm air. I wanted to close my eyes, to lose myself, but he tilted his head and pressed the roughness of his two-day-old stubble against the softness of my cheek. His lips whispered across my jaw, brushing my earlobe. “Oh, Liv … if there was a way I could earn a place in your heart,” he pleaded.

“
You’re already in my heart,” I promised.

“
You make me remember who I was and who I wanted to be.” His mouth warmed my ear, tender but sensual. “Liv, I lost that guy.”

“
Let me help you find him.”

He tasted the skin behind the lobe of my ear, and I was carried away by sensations I’d never experienced before. He continued trailing down my neck, alternating nipping me gently with his teeth and darting his tongue over my now hyper-sensitive flesh.

“
Not one day went by that I didn’t think of you, Olivia. But I must have made you hate me.”

His words were grounding, but his actions were affecting me, heating my blood.

“
I missed you. I was hurt, but I could never hate you.”

He halted at the top of the jacket. “Maybe it would be better if you did hate me. I’m so damaged, Liv, I don’t think I can ever become whole enough to love you the way you should be loved.”

I needed him; I loved him, and he needed and loved me back. He’d just made the first move. Could I be brave enough now to make the next one?

I shook off my fear and slowly glided my hands up his arms, over each crease of his coat and rise of his muscle, till I found his throat. My fingers lilted over the veins and the Adam’s apple I had been so hypnotized by earlier, until I met the delicious roughness of his jaw.

Slowly I let my head and face fall away from his enough so that I could position my lips over his. He still controlled my necklace cord with his fingers. Two inches and closing—my heart was beating wildly.

His nose grazed mine, and he held steady.

He groaned, “Livie, I shouldn’t have done this, but I couldn’t let you go. I should have just let you go.”

“
No,” I protested. “I don’t want to be let go.”

Jake lowered his face and rested his forehead against mine. His lips gone; his heart hidden.

“
I don’t know what to do, Liv.”

Love me …
“Please, Jake … don’t give up.”

“
Don’t give up?” he echoed.

“
Don’t quit,” I reaffirmed. Jake had never been a quitter.

“
What if I were to ask Nate if you could be my date to the concert tonight?” he asked.

That made me smile.