Read Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers Institute
Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader
| Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader |
| Bathroom Readers Institute |
SUE STEINER
SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA, AND ASHLAND, OREGON
Dedicated to All Moms Everywhere.
UNCLE JOHN’S PRESENTS
MOM’S BATHTUB READER
Copyright © 2004 by Portable Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Uncle John’s Presents” is a trademark of Portable Press.
For information, write
Portable Press
5880 Oberlin Drive, San Diego, CA 92121
e-mail:
[email protected]
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-681-4
E-book Edition: September 2012
04 05 06 07 08
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3
Amy Briggs, Project Editor
Allen Orso, Publisher
JoAnn Padgett, Director, Editorial and Production
Victoria Bullman, Copy Editor
Dan Mansfield, Copy Editor
Mana Monzavi, Production Assistance
Lois Stanfield, Interior Design and Composition
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld
THANK YOU HYSTERICAL SCHOLARS!
The author and the Bathroom Readers’ Hysterical Society sincerely thank the following people who contributed selections to this work.
Amy Briggs
Myles Callum
Jane Lott
Danielle Markson
Lea Markson
John Scalzi
Rebecca Steiner
The Mother of All Mothering Advice
Your Face Will Freeze Like That!
You Know, That Song Called “Mother”?
You Say Mama, I Say Mada . . .
Moms Rally for Peace? And Howe!
The True Story Behind Mother’s Day
Uncle John’s Stage Mother Awards
The Single Mother of Invention
Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Daughter
Cool Stepmoms Keep Their Royal Heads
Did She Eat Schnitzel with Noodles?
There’s No Mummy Like an Egyptian Mummy
I have lots of folks to thank, especially in my family. As a friend of mine so aptly put it after visiting with me while I was writing for the deadline: “Your husband is a saint!” It’s true. Thank you, Saint Daniel Steiner and for the saintly puns you contributed too.
A big thanks to my daughters for their expertise. Rachel was a fine researcher. Rebecca wrote and co-wrote articles for the book, especially in the social sciences.
At Portable Press: Very special thanks to Amy Briggs, a wonderful editor who tirelessly—and always tactfully—improved my work and put the text into book form. And I’m very grateful to JoAnn Padgett and Allen Orso for encouragement and for making this book happen. They make the Uncle John series great to write for—and great to read.
Thanks to all the talented writers who contributed: Rebecca Steiner, Lea and Danielle Markson, John Scalzi, Myles Callum, and Jane Lott.
Thanks to agent Martha Casselman and also to Amy Rose.
And a thank you to all these talented folks who encouraged or helped me with this project. Alex Cohen, Sam Fisk, Brad Hennig, Marc Louria, Hannah and Dean Yurke, Kiki Goshay, Ted Andrews, Stephanie Spadaccini, Marty Markson, Silvia Landeros and Kathleen Glaubinger.
Last but not least, to Anne Berkowitz for her advice and patience through months of writing—thanks Mom.
Why an Uncle John book about mothers? In the immortal words of Shakespeare’s
Hamlet
: “There are more things in a mom’s world, Horatio than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Okay, maybe Hamlet didn’t say that exactly . . . but he should have.
If we’ve learned anything from writing this book (aside from “Don’t chew with your mouth open,” and “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”) it’s that the world of mothers is wider, richer, and wackier than even we ever suspected
Mothers really have the power to surprise. Did you know that cave moms were exceedingly fashionable? Or that ancient Egyptian ladies used a home pregnancy test kit that actually worked? How about that the food your mom ate when she was pregnant may have affected your genetic make-up? Certainly none of us ever figured that some moms-to-be would predict the sex of their babies—using Drano!
But if they’re often doing the unexpected, mothers are also just what they’re expected to be: loving, dedicated, inspired, and inspiring. Elvis Presley may be the King of Rock n’ Roll, but Gladys Smith Presley is surely its Queen Mum. It was Gladys who saved up to buy Elvis his first guitar, who nurtured his talent and even helped to shape his sexy, side-burned ‘do. Diki Tsering was a simple peasant mother who brought more kindness and compassion into our world simply by teaching those values to her son, the Dalai Lama.