With a Little Help (33 page)

Grampa spread his hands on the table. "I can't help it if you take it personally."

Sean's father reeled back, and Sean swallowed a throb of anger. "Of
course
not, Grampa. I understand. It's a reflex. The world's full of sops who'll take offence at any little thing" -- Lara shriveling under the heat of his tongue, and him still watching the TV over her shoulder -- "but it's a
reflex
. It's not conscious. It's no one's
fault
."

"Don't humor me," Grampa snapped. "I know what you all think of me. I can feel your goddamn blame. I can't
do
anything about it."

"You could apologize," Ethan said. Adele took his hand and wiped at her tears with its back.

"Fuck off, zombie," Grampa said, glaring at him.

Sean's father stood abruptly. "I'm glad to see you're in good health, Pop," he said. "Sean, thanks for the ride. I guess I'll see you once you've finished your research." His face was hard, composed. "Adele, nice to have met you."

"Likewise," Adele said.

"Bye, then," Sean's father said, and walked with dignified calm to the elevator.

"Bye, Dad," Sean called softly at his retreating back.

He turned back to Grampa, but Grampa's eyes were dull, and he was methodically twitching, top-to-bottom.

"Adele," Sean said, taking her free hand.

"Yes?" she said.

"How would you and Ethan like to come to Universal with me for the afternoon?"

"I'd love to," Ethan said. Sean looked at Ethan, and couldn't decide if he was switched off or not.

Whichever, Adele didn't seem to mind.

--

Afterword:

I probably have some mild ADD, but I think I've turned it into a pro-survival adaptation for a life composed of lots of short, intense bursts of stimulus and work. But I'm also familiar with the powerful urge to switch off and make the boring stuff
go away
.

My grandfather, Avram Doctorow, died of complications from senile dementia in a seniors' psych ward at a Jewish hospital in Toronto. It was a good place, but it wasn't a happy place, and his last few years were very hard. Most of the time, he just wasn't
there
, but every now and again, he'd realize where he was, what had happened to him, and he'd cry uncontrollably. Those times are the most haunting things I've ever seen.

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Be it resolved that the Guild of the Giant Wavering Tentacle of the Unholy Bogey-Rag:

1. Is formed on this day, Saturday the fifth of March, 2012

2. Consists of:

a) Amir, AKA Glort, the Massive and Auspicious Dwarf of Extremely Powerful Axe-Hurling and Ankle-Biting

b) Chris, AKA HRH Prince Mishkin, Supreme and Undefeated Barbarian Lord of the Pickle Creatures of Outer Hebrides

c) Warren, AKA His Holiness, the Very Reverend High Priest of Clotho, the God of Lint, Smiter of the Unbelievers and Bearer of the Holy Static-Brush

d) Arturo, AKA Khey-Press-Toe, Ancient and Mystick Seer and Lobber of Extremely Wicked and Impressive Spells

3. Undertakes a variety of missions, quests, raids, etc. etc., for the purpose

a) of slaughtering squillions of monsters, mini-bosses, mega-bosses

i) and players who were daft enough to opt for Righteous play

I) rather than the eminently sensible and extremely fun Unwholesome play

b) of amassing great, mind-boggling fortunes of gold, swords, epic items and other useful bits of kit such as may be discovered on the trail

i) or looted from the corpses of the fallen

4. This Constitution shall constitute the whole and entire Understanding between the Guild's members

5. This Constitution can be amended by simple majority vote at any virtual or physical meeting at which three quarters of the Guild membership is present

6. This Constitution shall satisfy Ms Dunwitty's Civic Engagement class term assignment: "To produce a meaningful Constitution for a group of your friends who are undertaking a collective task."

7. There is no clause seven.

#

The March Ten, 2012 Amendments, passed by unanimous acclaim at the Guild Hall in the Fibonacci Spiral Fortress on Gunnarsen Island:

I. Wealth looted or otherwise acquired through play shall be
evenly
divided, regardless of which player scored the most damage

II. If you aggro a monster without first consulting your teammates, you're on your own mate!

i) Better
ask
next time, Chris, you weejit!

III. Anyone in possession of a healing spell
must
use it when a teammate is below 30 percent health,
even if
the spells are really hard to recharge

i) Warren, I'm looking at you

IV. Guild members are free to play and quest with anyone they want, regardless of affiliation, provided that this play does not interfere with scheduled Guild raids

i) Even if it's your girlfriend, Amir

V. Arturo will not turn every argument into a set of Constitutional amendments

i) Just the important ones

#

The March Twenty Fifth, 2012 Amendments, passed by a 3-1 majority (one abstention) at the site of the Battle of the Flaming Everything

Z. Amir's girlfriend is not crap

sqrt (-1). However, her toon certainly is

Y. The Guild shall devote one raid in three to leveling friends' avatars so that we can all play together

Pi. Guild members may also level their own alts on these raids

e. And it's perfectly OK to preferentially twink your alts or your friends' avs

X. Fireballs have a time and a place

i. And that place is
not
when the rest of the Guild is standing in a tight knot around a Gasbag Dragon

e^i. Arturo, pay attention

#

The April thirty, 2012 Amendments, passed by a 3-1 majority at the Tennessee Kebab Shack on Hackney Road:

1. We will not power-level other players' toons for money

#

The May second, 2012 Amendments, passed by a 3-1 majority behind the Haggerston Park tennis courts:

A. The April thirty, 2012 Amendments are hereby repealed

#

The May fifth, 2012 Amendments, passed by a 3-1 majority at the Caves of the Undead:

1. The Guild shall accept payment for power-leveling services

2. Payments for power-leveling shall be deposited in the Guild PayPal account

3. Any member may withdraw his share from the PayPal account at any time

a) All Guild members hold an equal share in the payments for power-leveling services

4. Clause Y of the March Twenty Fifth, 2012 Amendments is hereby repealed

a) Guild members must bring their most powerful toons on power-leveling raids

5. Before Power-Leveling payments are deposited to the Guild PayPal account, players will receive the following reimbursements:

a) For each healing spell cast: the lesser of £0.50 or the present cash price for a full set of healing spell ingredients at the Coke GameZone Store

b) For each fireball or other offensive spell cast: the lesser of £0.30 or the present cash price for a full set of offensive spell ingredients at the Coke GameZone Store

6. Players with offensive-capable pets will receive an extra 0.5% share for every power-level in the pet, to be paid equally from all other players' shares

7. Chris is the official book-keeper for the Guild, and he will keep the Guild's books on a group-accessible Google spreadsheet, and he will balance all accounts weekly

#

The May seventh, 2012 Amendments, failed to pass in a deadlocked 2-2 tie by Skype conference

1. Chris is no longer the book-keeper for the Guild.

2. All Guild members will serve a rotating turn as bookkeeper

#

The May thirtieth, 2012 Amendments, passed by unanimous acclaim at the Guild Hall in the Fibonacci Spiral Fortress on Gunnarsen Island:

1. During half-term, the Guild will engage solely in "fun play," rather than paid work

2. Chris's term as book-keeper will only last until end of summer hols

#

The September 17, 2012 Amendments, passed by unanimous acclaim at the Fortress of the Giant Wavering Tentacle of the Unholy Bogey-Rag, Damnation Island:

1. No Guild member shall withdraw more than £1000.00 from the Guild bank without notifying the entire Guild in advance

2. Power-levelling clients shall be tiered thus:

a) Tier one, top priority: Any power-leveling job paying more than £75

b) Tier two, medium priority: Any power-leveling job paying £50 or more

c) Tier three, bottom priority: Any power-leveling job paying less than £49.99

3. Epic items are
not
included in power-leveling services; any epic items or other rare drops acquired on a paid mission are Guild property, and are to be sold as soon as possible for cash, to be deposited in the Guild PayPal account

4. Guild members may pass on raids for one night per week (for revisions, mocks, family obligations, dates) without penalty. Additional nights off can be purchased by forfeiting £100 (per night) from the player's share of the Guild's accounts

a) Religious holidays observed in a house of worship with the player's family are exempted from this rule, provided they are bona fide observations, as confirmed by Wikipedia

5. Guild warboss status is limited to the four existing members. Additional players who join us on raids do so as junior or adjunct members, not entitled to a vote.

6. The Guild members pledge themselves to the health of the Guild as a business and promise to work to ensure its profitability

#

The October Half Term 2012 Amendments, passed by unanimous acclaim at the Fortress of the Ultimate Power Guild, Damnation Island:

1. Henceforth, the Guild shall be known as the Ultimate Power Guild

2. This name shall be reflected in all advertising and commercial materials

3. Discussion of the Guild at school or home is discouraged

i) The First Rule of the Ultimate Power Guild is No One Talks About the Ultimate Power Guild

ii) Yes, yes, Amir, we know, technically the first rule is "Be it resolved that Guild Giant Wavering Tentacle of the Unholy Bogey-Rag is formed on this day, Saturday the fifth of March, 2012"

a) No one likes a smart-arse, you know

#

The New Year's Amendments, passed January 1, 2013, by unanimous consent, at the Fortress

1. Losses to the Guild arising from rules enforcement by Coke GameZone will be absorbed evenly by all players

2. In order to minimize future risk, each Guild member will maintain an equal number of Righteous and Unwholesome toons, leveled to the same point, and power-leveling runs will rotate back and forth

3. Additional assistant players -- such as those recruited by Amir's girlfriend or Arturo's little brother -- are to be waged at a 30 percent share of any missions they complete without direct Guild oversight

i) With the Guild retaining a 70% commission for the use of Guild training, brand, etc

4. Assistant players are not Guild members, and as such do not get a vote in Guild business

#

The February three, 2013 amendments, passed by a 3-1 majority, at the Fortress

1. Arturo is no longer a member of the Guild

2. No Guild member shall communicate Guild business to Arturo

3. Arturo is not entitled to any further share of Guild wealth

4. Any Guild member who exposes the Guild or its members or assistants to discipline from schoolmasters, parents, GMs, etc, shall be liable to immediate expulsion from the Guild

#

The February ten, 2013 amendments, passed by a 2-1 majority, at the Fortress

1. Arturo is hereby reinstated

2. Warren is no longer a member of the Guild

#

The February 17, 2013 amendments, passed by unanimous consent, at the Tennessee Chicken Shack, Hackney Road

1. All assistant players are sacked, immediately, with no compensation or notice

a) This includes girlfriends, siblings, etc

2. Any former assistant who:

a) interferes or attempts to interfere with Guild business in-world, including, but not limited to,

i) grassing to GMs

ii) aggroing monsters

iii) directly attacking Guild members or their clients

b) publicly discusses Guild business or finances

c) Agitates for the right of assistants to participation in the Guild, its finances or decision-making process

Shall be classed a "Guild enemy"

3. All Guild enemies are liable to immediate attack, termination and looting in-world

4. Players shall not have contact, including phone or IM, with Guild Enemies in the real world

5. Violating clause 4 is grounds for immediate classification as a Guild Enemy, and this extends to family and friends

#

The March half-term amendments, adopted at St George's School for Boys, by unanimous consent