With Family In Mind (Saddle Falls Book 1) (9 page)

It was not something she could ever allow herself, so there was no point in wishing for what she couldn’t have.

Another lesson she’d learned well from her childhood.

“I won’t disappoint you, Jake,” she said quietly, wishing her voice was steadier, wishing she didn’t have this myriad of emotions swirling around inside her. Wishing he wasn’t so masculine, so appealing, so compassionate.

“Make sure you don’t.” Their gazes met and Jake knew he might just be in some serious trouble here. He needed to be clearheaded and objective about Rebecca, and not let his hormones make him forget all the hard-earned lessons he’d learned about damsels in distress.

He’d been badly burned once.

And looking at sweet, sad Rebecca, he was greatly afraid his heart was leading him right back into the fire.

“J
ake, before I get settled in at the coach house, I’m going to have to stop at Tommy’s to pick up some material he offered to give me to read. A little background information on his early life that he thought would be helpful.”

They were on their way back to the ranch, and Rebecca was very anxious to get started and to put some much-needed distance between herself and Jake Ryan. She wasn’t comfortable with the way she was responding to him, and knew she couldn’t risk allowing herself to become personally involved in this situation or story, let alone with this man.

There was something about Jake that touched her on a level no one else—certainly no other man—had ever done. And it frightened her as nothing had in a long, long time.

Distance, she decided, was exactly what she needed. Then she’d feel more like herself and see things through her usual cool, detached,
unemotional
eyes.

“Fine,” Jake said. “I’ll drop you off at Tommy’s, then I’ll go on ahead and unload your stuff at the coach house. I’ll leave your car in the driveway. I’ve got a few things to take care of this afternoon. So why don’t you move in and get settled? I know you’re anxious to get to work, so why don’t you plan on coming to dinner tomorrow?”

“Dinner?” she repeated with a frown, not certain she was up to handling dinner with the Ryans yet. It was too soon, and she hadn’t quite gotten her bearings. It had been such an emotional day.

She was looking for distance, but apparently it was going to be in short supply, she thought with a sigh of weariness.

“Yeah, Rebecca, dinner. You know, the evening meal? You do eat, don’t you?” he asked, not certain, considering how little she’d had at lunch. She’d merely pushed her food around her plate.

He didn’t know if her lack of appetite was merely nerves, or if there was more to it than that. Although eating with the twins and Ruth was more than enough to make anyone nervous, he wondered if perhaps it was something else.

He raked his gaze over her. Tommy was right about one thing. She
was
a tad too thin. “Tommy invited you to dinner tomorrow night, remember?” he said with a cocky grin. “It’s not going to be anything fancy. Just steaks on the grill. Josh will probably stay
in town again and Jared’s likely not going to be back until late, so it’ll just be us and the twins.” He almost shuddered at the thought. “Although after the incident with the frog this afternoon at lunch, I can’t even begin to imagine what the boys are going to do for an encore at dinner. And steaks are about all we can handle on Mrs. Taylor’s day off, with the twins underfoot. So are you coming to dinner or did I scare you off?”

“Let me see how things go,” she answered. The thought of having dinner with Jake, or spending more time with him right now before she had a chance to get her bearings, gave her pause.

But she couldn’t very well turn him down outright, especially after she’d all but badgered him into agreeing to help her. If she did, it would seem rude and possibly confusing to him, and the last thing she wanted was to set off any alarm bells. “I need to get settled, and I’m very anxious to start going through some of Tommy’s papers. I’ve got barely two weeks to turn in my first draft to Mr. Barker.”

She was absolutely certain once she had some time to regroup, to filter through all the emotions that had bubbled up today, she’d be fine. She’d just been caught off guard, which was the only excuse she had for her unusual response to Jake, she assured herself.

When he’d lifted her hand to his mouth for that brief kiss at the hotel, she’d been absolutely certain her heart was going to stop. Her breath had hitched, her pulse seemed to stutter and she could feel her heart thudding wildly in her chest.

The kiss was so unexpected, she’d simply been too stunned to do more than gape at him. No man had
ever kissed her hand, let alone like that—in a way that seemed as intimate as a lover’s caress in the dark of night.

Just thinking about it now made her legs weak. What would it be like to have him really kiss her? she wondered. She wasn’t certain her poor heart or body could stand it.

And it was certainly not where her mind should be going, she warned herself, willing the thought away.

“Fine. See how things go.” Jake frowned suddenly. “Are you sure you’re going to be able to handle getting settled on your own?” He glanced toward the back seat, where he’d loaded up her belongings. He was feeling very protective toward her and didn’t know why. Maybe because behind that icy coolness and calm detachment, he’d seen the aching vulnerability and the pain. “Because if you don’t think you can handle all that stuff, I’ll be happy to stick around and help.”

“No.” The word came out harsher than she’d intended. She wanted—needed—to be alone the first time she entered the carriage house again. She had no idea how she’d react—hadn’t, in fact, even had time to think about it, since Tommy’s offer had been so unexpected.

But considering the way she’d allowed her emotions to surface today, she wasn’t certain how she would respond, and so she’d merely have to assume the worst. There was a distinct possibility she might not be able to handle being in that house again. And she knew she’d never be able to conceal her reaction, not without time to plan and prepare. Rebecca
couldn’t risk having Jake see her as anything less than totally professional, calm and in control.

As it was, he was far too astute for her peace of mind. He could see too many things with those careful, assessing eyes. From the moment she’d knocked on the Ryans’ door this morning, she’d been trying to anticipate and control her every reaction, and doing a pretty poor job of it, she realized glumly.

So having Jake with her when she faced her own past and memories was not an idea that had any great appeal.

“There’s really not that much, Jake,” she said as casually as she could manage, glancing back at her belongings. She forced a smile when he looked briefly at her. “I’ll be able to handle it just fine. As long as you’re busy anyway, I’ll use the time to go through all the papers Tommy’s going to give me. I’ll do some research and start organizing and preparing my initial draft.”

It had taken less than an hour to gather up all her things from the hotel. Other than her clothes, all she had was her laptop, her initial research notes, some books and a small, locked portable file cabinet that she’d purchased to store the few personal effects that had been in her mother’s apartment.

Anxious to make a clean break, Rebecca had donated her mother’s clothing and furniture to charity and scooped the pile of papers and manila folders in her mother’s desk into the portable file drawer and locked it.

She’d only had a chance to briefly glance at what was in the file. Last night, when she hadn’t been able
to fall asleep, she’d started going through it, but as soon as she came across the yellowed newspaper clippings about Jesse Ryan’s disappearance, her mother’s questioning by the police, and her subsequent release, Rebecca had quickly closed the file, then locked the cabinet once again. The memories had been far too painful. She’d already had a blistering tension headache brought on by the nightmares, and knew she wasn’t up to facing whatever was in that file yet.

Eventually she would. She’d have to read it. But right now, with all these memories so fresh and her emotions so very close to the surface, she didn’t think she could bear it.

But her mind kept going back to that one manila file folder, the one with all the clippings about Jesse’s disappearance. Why on earth would her mother have kept clippings about Jesse Ryan’s disappearance if she hadn’t in some way been involved? The thought had sent a spiral of fear through Rebecca.

She glanced at Jake, remembering her promise to him. She said a silent prayer that her suspicions about her mother were wrong, because if they weren’t, and her mother had truly been involved or responsible for Jesse Ryan’s disappearance, for the devastation of the Ryan family, Rebecca had no idea how she would face it.

Or make it up to them.

“The coach house should just about be ready.” Jake glanced at his watch before glancing in his rearview mirror. “That is if Tommy was able to convince Mrs. Taylor to tackle the cleaning job.” He turned to Rebecca and wiggled his brows in a way that re
minded her of the twins. It was adorable, utterly charming and disarming. “Mrs. Taylor’s a bit cantankerous, and convincing her to do anything is always a challenge. Especially on her day off.”

“Why?” Rebecca asked with a frown, her thoughts still on the contents of the manila file. “I thought that was her job? Housekeeper and cook?”

“Well, it is,” he said hesitantly. There was humor and affection in his voice. “But Mrs. Taylor sort of has a mind of her own. It may be Tommy’s house, but someone neglected to mention that little tidbit to Mrs. Taylor.”

Rebecca’s frown deepened. “If the woman doesn’t follow orders, then why does Tommy keep her?”

“I don’t think we keep her so much as she keeps us,” he clarified with a laugh. It was the first time she could remember him laughing since earlier in the day when she’d first arrived and he was talking to the twins. It was an unbelievable sound. Strong, masculine, and yet joyful. That was the only word for it. For an instant, she wondered what it would be like to feel such unabashed joy.

“Mrs. Taylor is more family than help, Rebecca. Tommy brought her over from Ireland about nineteen years ago. Her brother was one of Tommy’s best friends and Tommy always promised to look after her. After her husband and brother’s deaths, Tommy paid her way here. He gave her a job taking care of the house and cooking, and she’s been part of the family ever since.” Jake’s mouth curved into an easy grin, and Rebecca wondered if most women knew enough to be wary of a man who could smile like that.

“She rules the roost with an iron fist, although when it comes to the twins she’s as soft as a marshmallow. But if you ever tell her I said that I’ll lie and deny it.”

It was Rebecca’s turn to laugh. “Is Mrs. Taylor the only female in the house?” Her question brought on a puzzled frown, so she continued. “I noticed all the pictures on the refrigerator, but there were no females,” she explained, deliberately making her voice soft and noncombative. It was her standard interviewing style.

“That’s because at the moment, other than Mrs. Taylor, there are no females in the Ryan family. A sad and sorry fact as far as I’m concerned.”

“Jake?”

The tone of her voice had him turning toward her as he pulled into the long, winding driveway that led to the main ranch house. “What, Slick?”

Rebecca tried not to frown. Apparently he was going to insist on calling her that disgusting nickname. Even though she wasn’t overly fond of it, she’d never had a nickname before and found the experience rather…endearing.

“Where’s the twins’ mother?” This was the first test of his cooperation; it wasn’t that personal a question, but his answer would speak volumes about his true intentions.

He stiffened briefly at the query; she could see the tension in his shoulders, his arms, his hands. Then he took a deep breath and seemed to deliberately relax.

“She took off,” he said simply. “Her name was Kathryn,” he explained. “She and Jared met at a cat
tle auction about eight years ago. They had a whirlwind courtship and married three months later.” Jake pulled up in front of the ranch house, then shut the engine off and turned to her. “Jared loves kids—hell, we all do. He wanted them desperately, and we thought Kathryn did, too. At least that’s what she said.”

Rebecca noted the slight hint of bitterness—or was it anger?—in his tone. She couldn’t be sure.

“They went to doctors, fertility specialists—you name it, they did it. They did everything imaginable, all in an attempt to conceive a child.” Jake shrugged, his tone casual, but the gleam in his eye was almost feral.

Family, she thought again, observing him carefully. She’d seen that look this morning when he’d found out what she really was. She admired his fierce dedication and loyalty to his family, admired the love and protection that was so much a part of who Jake Ryan was. An unexpected bout of envy bloomed, catching her by surprise. Quickly, she tamped it down, telling herself to concentrate on the business at hand.

“It was sort of a fluke that they ended up adopting the twins.”

“How can adoption be a fluke?” she asked curiously.

“Kathryn’s father was some hotshot Vegas attorney. Very, very successful, very connected throughout the country. He called one day and said he was handling the private adoption of twin boys and wanted to know if Kathryn and Jared would be interested in
them. He knew that Jared and Kathryn had been desperately trying to conceive.”

Jake’s brows drew together in thought. “I think the boys were two or maybe three at the time. Apparently their natural mother had died and the father couldn’t take care of them, so had to put them up for adoption. Since it didn’t look like Jared and Kathryn would conceive anytime soon, they jumped at the chance to have a ready-made family.” Jake glanced away, absently drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “They took one look at the little monsters and fell head over heels in love. As we all did,” he said with a smile of remembrance that quickly faded. “Six months later Kathryn took off. Left Jared a note saying motherhood wasn’t what she thought it would be, and left them all.”

Shock had Rebecca gaping at him. She had to swallow in order to get the words out. “You mean she merely walked away from those darling boys?” She hadn’t counted on the tears; they just came, hot and furious, shocking her into silence as they filled her eyes. Horribly embarrassed, she struggled for control. “How could she do something like that?” Unconsciously, she clenched her fists in her lap until her nails were digging into her palms. “How can a mother just abandon her child?” She sniffled, wondering if she was crying for the twins or for herself. Her heart almost broke for those adorable babies, unable to imagine someone not wanting them.

“Hey, hey, what’s this?” Startled, Jake tilted her chin, saw the tears and the sadness and felt something shift inside of him, softening his heart, jarring awake
every protective instinct he’d ever had. Again. He wanted to sigh, but knew there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. Damsels in distress were apparently going to be his downfall, he thought with serious regret.