12 Days Of Forever (9 page)

I should listen, but in doing so I would be admitting that I’m ready to give up on my dream. Falling into a pattern, an easy life, with Xander would be so easy and

refreshing if he just lived in New York. That’s where I’ve wanted to be ever since I was a little girl. I dreamt of dancing on the big stage in front the biggest crowds, and I’m almost there. Even with Enchantment being on Broadway, my theater is small. I strive for the grander theaters with the crystal chandeliers so big you imagine yourself swinging from them. Dancing is a childhood dream that I’ve never given up on.

I turn on the Christmas tree and watch the white lights twinkle against the

ornaments. Sitting down on the couch, I wrap up in the afghan and marvel at the presents under the tree. Five people live in this house and there are enough gifts under there that I feel overwhelmed. This will be my biggest Christmas ever, and I’m just here to watch.

“Just getting home?”

I startle at the sound of Harrison’s voice. He saunters into the living room and

takes the seat next to me, stealing some of the afghan.

“Can’t sleep, Santa?”

He looks at me and shrugs. “What’s going on with you? We haven’t really spent a

lot of time together since you arrived.”

“You’re busy, and I sort of just showed up on your doorstep. I didn’t expect you to drop everything and entertain me. I’m a big girl. I can fend for myself.”

“I’m still your brother. I’ll always make time for you. You know that.”

I nod, knowing that he’ll do whatever he can to make me happy. I stare at the tree, letting the colors from the ornaments and lights blend in. “Remember when we were little and we’d try to stay awake to see Santa? We’d get so excited when we woke up and there were some presents under the tree only to get to school and hear about all the toys that everyone got. I used to lie to my friends and tell them that I got that Barbie everyone else did and you pulled her head off. When I got older it was clothes. I’d lie and whine to my friends that “the hottest jeans ever” shrunk when I washed them. I felt so bad but couldn’t tell people the truth.

“Look at what you’ve done for Quinn and even the twins.” I nod toward the tree.

“It looks like the toy stores exploded under there and in a few hours they’ll come thundering down the stairs to tear open everything under that tree. Within ten minutes it’ll be over.”

“We open our stockings first, eat breakfast and then I sit down and hand out a

present at time. Katelyn and I like to see their expressions for each gift. It makes it last longer.” Harrison sighs. “You know when I first got here, Peyton was being bullied at school and Quinn sucker punched the kid. I was angry at him, but also thrilled that he did that for her. I wish someone had done that for me because then maybe I wouldn’t hate my childhood so much. There wasn’t anything Mom could do about it either so I never told her. Had I not found those drums, we’d probably still be living in that dump of an apartment.”

Harrison pats my leg and stares off. I don’t want to think about what our lives

would be like if he hadn’t come across the discarded drums in that alley way. I wouldn’t be where I am today. Once he started playing, he did anything he could to make money.

First it was five dollars then ten. That ten became a hundred quickly. The first time he was paid a hundred for a gig, he took Mom and me out to dinner. It wasn’t anything fancy, but to us it was like we were eating at the Ritz.

He gave up college for me and always made sure I had money for dance lessons.

When the private dance company offered me a spot, he took a day job and started living off two to three hours of sleep a night to provide for us. As soon as the gig opened at Metro he was able to cut back, and then everything changed when Liam got signed and took Harrison with him. Liam made Harrison feel like he mattered.

“What’s going on with you, Yvie? You dodged the question. I’m not trying to pry,

but you don’t seem yourself.”

I poke my fingers through the holes on the afghan to avoid looking at Harrison.

He pulls my hand away. He’s not going to let this go. I thought that I could show up and everyone would just be happy. We’d do family activities, and I’d be on my way back before anyone could figure out what’s going on with me.

“Have you ever felt that you weren’t good enough?”

Harrison groans. He relaxes into the couch, putting his hands behind his head.

“Every day. I’m always questioning whether I’m a good enough father, a good enough partner for Katelyn. Can I be better? What can I do to improve? I’m no different than you, Yvie. I remember what we came from and how we got here.”

“How you got us here, Harrison. Don’t short change yourself.”

He shakes his head. “We did this. If I didn’t have the support from you and Mom,

I would’ve never gone out and started playing in public. Everything that has happened to us did so for a reason. We struggled, but we overcame it and now I want to know why you think you’re not good enough.”

“He tells me I’m not. He tells me I’m fat, or that I don’t extend properly. He tells me my hair isn’t pulled tight enough.”

“Oliver?” he asks and I nod, wiping away a tear. “Is that why you left him?”

“Yes, and he wants to settle down and I don’t, at least not with him, but I’m so

torn because he can make or break my career. I want to leave Enchantment, but am afraid he’ll give me a bad reputation, and I can’t afford that.”

Harrison pulls me into his arms, and I let the tears fall. It’s Christmas, and I shouldn’t be crying—especially over Oliver.

“What’s up with you and Xander?”

I pull back and wipe at my cheeks. “I like him, but he’s here and I’m there. We’re friends and it’s good to have friends, especially someone who isn’t in the business.”

“Yeah, I know what that’s like.”

Harrison trails off and the room grows quiet. It’s only a matter of time before the kids wake up and the house is crazy.

“Have you ever talked to Liam about how he ended up in California?”

I shake my head.

“Do me a favor and ask him today when we go over. His story might help you

figure out yours.” He leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek before getting up and leaving the room. He starts banging around in the kitchen, making enough noise to wake the house.

The first one down is my mom, and when Harrison returns with coffee, the three

of us cuddle on the couch. We haven’t done this in years, and it feels good. Five minutes later, Katelyn comes down, followed shortly by Quinn. He climbs in between my mom and me, and Katelyn takes an awkward family Christmas photo. It’s going to be one that I look at every day to remember this morning. As soon as the girls wake, the stockings are passed around. When Katelyn hands me one with my name on it, I can’t fight the tears.

It’s easy to see how Harrison fell for her so fast.

Once breakfast is done, Harrison dons a Santa hat and starts the process of

handing out present by present. Each time my name is called, my heart stops a little. By the time we’re done, we have just enough time to shower and head over to Liam and Josie’s. The thought of seeing Xander has me on edge. Memories of last night haven’t escaped my mind all morning. Each time I’m not focusing on what’s going on around me, it’s because I’m reliving last night.

The night we had in the gym was erotic and I’ll never forget it, but standing there in his room with the moonlight shining through the window as his fingers moved lightly over my skin, is engrained in my mind forever. The softness of his lips as they created a fiery path over my body is still being felt. The way my fingers curled around his hard muscles when he rocked into me. Knowing that he was the cause of my head falling back and my eyes closing on their own free will is something I’ve never experienced before.

We were slow and precise, everything that we weren’t before. There wasn’t a piece of flesh that our mouths didn’t cover. He was making love to me and that scares the shit out of me.

The kids run into the house, yelling and screaming as Josie and Liam greet us at

the door. Kisses and hugs are exchanged as if we haven’t seen each other for years, not hours. Liam and Josie’s house is almost twice the size of Harrison and Katelyn’s and decorated like a window display on Fifth Avenue. Garland, lights, and red ribbons are everywhere, reminding me of home.

“Would you like a tour?” Liam asks when he catches me looking around. I smile

sheepishly as he takes my hand and starts showing me around. We start upstairs and he shows me Noah’s room and the room where all the magic happens. I pretend to gag and slip out of his grasp when he rubs his knuckles on my hair.

We walk down the stairs to the basement and when he flips the light on, the studio comes to life.

“
This
is the magic room,” I say, staring into their recording room.

“Yeah, I guess. We’re getting ready to go on tour again. It’s big this time though.

The kids won’t be able to join us until schools out.”

“No tutor?”

Liam shakes his head. “Noah plays baseball, and I don’t want him to miss it.”

“What about you missing his games?”

Liam pulls out a chair and sits down. “I’m torn, but this is my job. I’m not the

only musician with kids, and they all make it work. I think it’s because I haven’t always been there that it’s more of a problem.”

“That’s not your fault.”

Liam’s crinkles his face. “I know, but it still hurts them when I leave.”

I lean against the wall and realize that Liam is probably a little bit like me. When I first met him I had a crush on him, but Harrison nipped that quickly. It didn’t take long before I saw Liam as a brother and not a love interest.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what’s up?” he leans on the desk, clasping his hands.

“Why did you leave?” I bite the inside of my cheek, afraid of what his reaction is going to be.

Liam rubs his hands over his face and sighs. “Everyone had this idea of what I

was going to be and when I went to college, I realized that wasn’t who I was. I was too afraid to tell the people that I loved the most that I was unhappy. I was heading for the biggest drug-induced downward spiral without the drugs and just left everyone and everything behind.”

“Do you have any regrets?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t. Had I stayed, Josie and I probably wouldn’t be

married. I’d likely be an accountant or a teacher, living in a run-down house and seeing my kid on the weekends. Things happened for a reason, and while yes, I missed ten years, I had to in order to find myself. I probably sound selfish and I don’t mean to be, but you can’t live your life by someone else’s dreams. They have to be your own and just because it was a dream at one point, doesn’t mean it’s your dream now. The beautiful thing about dreams is that they’re ever changing.”

The lights flicker, causing Liam to laugh. “It’s time for dinner, or linner–that’s what Noah calls it because we’re eating dinner at lunch time.”

Liam puts his arm around me and we walk up the stairs, bumping our shoulders

into each other with each step we take. When we open the door, everyone is gathered around the table, including Xander. When he sees me, his smile is wide, but he keeps his head down. I know what he’s thinking about—his red cheeks give him away. It’s okay, though, because I’ve been thinking about it all day, too.

Once dinner is done, the kids open more presents. Watching Eden open hers is

funny. She gets so excited for the box but doesn’t care about what’s inside. As I look around, I see my brother with his girlfriend, wife, his life partner and can see how happy they are. My other brothers, Liam and Jimmy, both married and with kids, are happy.

Their smiles are genuine and not forced. I don’t know if this is something I can have or not, but I don’t see Oliver fitting in with my family, and this is what he wants. He wants a big family, holidays and birthday parties. I want it too, but I also want to be center stage.

Xander hands me eggnog and tells me its adult flavored. This will calm my nerves

for my flight later. I hate that I have rehearsals tomorrow and have a feeling Oliver did that so that I’d have to come right back. Sometimes I think he does things to be malicious so I can cry on his shoulder. I’m done with that though. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet.

The night beckons and all too soon, it’s time for me to leave. Xander offered to

drive me to the airport so I say my goodbyes at Liam’s. I hug everyone and am surprised that Peyton is waiting for one.

“Thanks for my necklace,” she says as I pull away. I see the delicate silver chain hanging from her neck and my pride swells. I need to get to know these girls and be an aunt to them.

“I’ll see you guys soon,” I say, as I walk out the door and rush to Xander’s car.

He’s already transferred my suitcase from Harrison’s car to his. He and Harrison will return my rental for me tomorrow. I balked at first when Xander offered to take me, but the thought of having him for the ride to the airport would be worth it.

We hold hands throughout the drive, but don’t speak. The air between us is heavy

and I know we should talk about what happened last night, but I’m not sure what to say. I don’t want to cheapen what we did by adding unnecessary words.

Xander guides me into the airport after parking his car. He waits while I check in and walks me to security. I fall into his arms, and let him hold me. I’m going to miss him more than I can find the words to tell him.

When I look up at him, he cups my face and kisses me softly. His lips linger on

mine for a moment before I make a move to deepen the kiss. I know I’m leading him on, but I’m leading myself on too. I need this last memory of him on my lips before I board that plane.

“You have my number, right?”

I laugh. Earlier this morning, he put his number in my phone and texted himself,

marveling at how excellent he is in bed. I saved that text message.

“I do. I’m sure I’ll be using it.”