A Family This Christmas (12 page)

‘I never thought of it like that before. I’ve been too busy blaming myself. I suggested we climb in Kahurangi Park. I even chose the track that fell away beneath us and sent us to the bottom. But Alison was with me all the way.’

Silence fell again. Then, ‘She’s not here. I thought I might sense her presence if I came on the same route but I don’t. I remember her laughing and talking nonstop, but it’s like any memory—no more, no less.’

She pulled back and stared around. ‘But she’s with me. Always will be. She’s in here.’ Her hands crossed on her chest, between her breasts. When Jenny stood Cam remained where he was, ready if she needed him, but giving her the space and time to reflect on what she’d just come to understand. She hadn’t lost Alison. She never would.

Picking up the peonies, she crossed the knoll and walked around the edge of the grassed area until something caused her to stop. Slowly she squatted to lay the flowers on a small punga fern log. ‘Bye bye, sis. Be safe.’

Tears wet her face, dripped off her chin, but the tension of earlier had eased off. Finally she looked up and locked her gaze with his. ‘I’m going to say it again. Thank you. When I landed in a heap outside your house I had no idea how you were going to change my life. You and your boys.’

‘Maybe we didn’t. Maybe you were ready for it and were already opening up to opportunities.’ He added lightly, ‘Maybe you wished that skateboard on you.’

‘You gave me those opportunities.’

‘Okay. I’ll take all the credit if it makes you happy.’ He felt a lightness settling over him that he hadn’t known in a long time. ‘If I’d known the changes you’d bring to my life I’d have paid Marcus a long time ago to run you down.’

‘Cam, make love to me.’ She stood in front of him, her hands reaching for his.

What? Had he heard correctly? Nah, couldn’t have. Jenny wanted to make love? With him? Here? All reasoning vanished. Instead, that lightness he’d felt had turned to heat and tension, warming his blood, driving his hormones south. Unfolding himself from the trunk, he said, ‘For the record, Alison definitely isn’t here? She’s not looking down on you? Us?’

Her smile was beautiful. Those deep emerald eyes twinkled out at him. ‘No. This is a private party.’ Her smile dipped. ‘Not a party. But something I want to do with you. You’re helping me move on. Making love will help further.’ He must’ve shown disappointment because she quickly added, ‘Truth? I’ve been fantasising about this for days.’

‘You’ve been fantasising about having sex in the bush?’

Her smile wavered. ‘Worded wrongly. It definitely wasn’t a plan to ask you to make love out here.’ He saw the uncertainty taking control of her stance as her shoulders slumped and her back curled forward. She was fragile, very fragile, and he loved her. Besides, he’d been dreaming of holding her naked and close since the first night she’d stayed in his house.

‘I like it that you’ve been fantasising about me, because you’ve been drowning all coherent thought in my head for days.’ He took her face in his hands and leaned closer to kiss her. Her lips trembled under his mouth. His breath hitched as he softened his kiss, not wanting to come on too hard, too fast. Yet his body was screaming for the taste of her, to feel her skin against his, to know her soft curves. He wanted to feel her hands on him, her tongue tracing a line from his nipple to his stomach and beyond. He needed to take this slowly, let Jenny relax into their lovemaking and forget for a while why she’d come to this remote place.

‘Jenny, wait. We have to stop. You have to believe me when I say that I want to make love to you more than anything in this world right now, but I wasn’t expecting this. I’m not prepared. Hell, I don’t even have any protection at home. Haven’t needed it for years now. Since long before Margaret...’

Jenny tugged him closer. ‘Cam, it’s fine. I’m on the Pill. Not that I’ve needed to be since my last relationship ended, but now I’m so glad I kept filling that prescription.’ She smiled cheekily before pressing her mouth against his. She had to taste him. Now. When her tongue slid into his mouth she shivered. Delicious. This was Cam. The man who’d stolen her heart when she hadn’t even known if she’d still had one. Now she wanted to know him completely, nothing between them. Today had been hard. So damn hard, yet he’d been there for her, with her, and somehow it had been easier. And now this. This felt right. This was about the future, not the past year.

Cam’s body was firm where his thighs pressed hers, where his chest covered her breasts, where his stomach touched hers. And further down the ridge pressing against her told her how much he wanted her. Slipping a hand between them, she reached down, ran her fingertips over the fabric-covered bulge.

Cam gasped, tipped his head back to lock eyes with her. On tiptoe she followed him, her mouth hungry for his, hating the brief break from their kiss. When his hands slid under her shirt and skimmed over her skin she thought she’d died and gone to heaven, except she felt far too alive. Hot need poured through her, swelling up and out from her heart, filling every cell of her body. Drenching her. Yes, she was ready for Cam.

Snatching handfuls of his shirt, she jerked upwards, pulling it free of his bush pants. At least the pants had an elastic waistband and easily slid over those firm hips when she pushed them down. And then he was free, filling her hands; the whole, hot, pulsating length of him. She wanted him, right now, inside her. ‘Undress me,’ she hissed through clenched jaws.

‘You don’t want to take your time?’ he croaked, even as his hands were scrabbling at her belt buckle.

‘I’ve wasted weeks already.’ Her hand slid down the length that was turning her to liquid just with the slick feel of him. ‘Cam, can we do this now?’ Like right now?

‘Help me out here,’ he begged. Her belt finally gave way and Cam’s hot hands were on her hips, pushing her trousers down. Over her thighs, down to her knees.

Reaching down, she tugged first one then the other leg free of clothing. Then she proceeded to divest him of his trousers.

Cam swung her up in his arms and knelt to lay her on the grass. Quickly grabbing him, she hauled him down to cover her, opening for him. ‘Cam, I—’
Love you.
The words were lost on a haze of heat and desire as he pressed into her. Instinctively her hips lifted to receive him. She moved beneath him, making it impossible for him to hold back. And then she succumbed to the oblivion that her release brought.

* * *

Cam had made her whole again. By being with her today, by claiming her body so thoroughly. By being Cam, gentle, tough, kind and loving. Jenny held his sweat-slicked body close. When he made to move off her, she tightened her grip. ‘I like your weight on me.’ Even if he was making breathing difficult. ‘I never want to let you go.’

With a wriggle Cam managed to tug his arms free and rose on his elbows to gaze down at her. His face was flushed and his eyes still held that molten look that had turned her on so thoroughly. ‘I’m not going anywhere without you.’ His hand brushed her hair off her forehead and cheek. ‘Besides, I owe you long and slow.’

A laugh began deep inside her, tripped up her throat and spilled between them. ‘Long and slow, eh?’

‘Yeah, you know, when I get to touch every part of your delectable body with my tongue? When you’re crying out for me to give you what you want? That long and slow.’ His grin was wicked and, oh, so sexy.

‘I can’t wait.’

‘I’ve never taken you for being so impatient. Where’s the quiet, controlled Jenny gone?’

‘I save her for rainy days. And right now the sun’s shining.’

Cam kissed her softly on her now tender lips before slowly sliding off her and sitting up. ‘I’ve got just the thing for sunny days.’ When he pulled a wine cooler out of his backpack she gaped.

‘You carried a bottle of wine up here?’

‘Not any old wine, but this.’ With a flourish he tugged the bottle free of the tight cooling bag. ‘Champagne.’

‘If I hadn’t already told you enough times already, I’d say thank you.’

He unwrapped two champagne flutes then popped the cork. ‘The best sound in the world.’

‘Quickly followed by the fizz and sizzle of bubbles as you pour that into those glasses.’ Shuffling on her bottom, she pulled her trousers up to her waist but didn’t bother to zip them closed. Who knew what might happen after a glass of champagne?

CHAPTER TWELVE

M
ARCUS
AND
A
NDREW
, followed by two of their friends, raced out the front door of Amanda’s house the moment Cam turned into her driveway. ‘You’re back.’

‘Whoopee, we can go home.’

Jenny shoved her door open and stepped down. Wow, she was tired, and that was after sleeping most of the way from Kahurangi. ‘I wasn’t scintillating company.’ She gave Cam a wry smile.

She didn’t hear his answer as the boys all but leapt at her. ‘Jenny, you came back.’

‘We thought you were gone for ever.’

Jenny’s heart stuttered, and guilt forced her to glance at Cam, who was watching his boys with a very guarded expression on his face. ‘Of course we were coming back. I told you we would.’

‘Me, too.’ Amanda and some more children joined their group. ‘Jenny, you okay?’ She knew a little about where they’d been for the day.

Nodding slowly, Jenny sought for an answer, but what the twins had said had rocked her off centre—when she’d only just got back there after all this time. Marcus and Andrew had thought she wouldn’t be coming back, which meant they’d believed she was staying on for a while—or longer.

Cam filled the sudden gap in the conversation. ‘It’s been a long day. Thanks so much for looking after the boys, Amanda.’ His brow furrowed as he looked from Jenny to his sons and back again. He wasn’t happy.

She didn’t blame him. Right from the outset she’d known he didn’t want his boys getting hurt.

Marcus nudged one of his friends. ‘I told you we’re getting a new mother. We’ve seen Dad kissing her.’

The abrupt silence was only broken when Cam snapped, ‘Marcus, Andrew, get in the truck. Now.’

Amanda gave Jenny a swift hug. ‘Come and see me tomorrow. We’ll have coffee.’

Tomorrow. A whole new day. It should be a blank canvas for her to decide her next moves, but the twins had shown her that was not possible. She had to go before they became even more attached to her. All she could hope for was that she hadn’t done any permanent damage, staying as long as she had.

The boys went straight to bed and Jenny headed for the shower to wash away the day—the sweat, the sex, the exhaustion. When she came out wrapped in her sleeping T-shirt and an oversized robe of Cam’s, he had mugs of tea waiting.

‘Cam, about the boys—’

‘It’s been a long, emotional day. Let’s talk about that tomorrow.’

The problem was tomorrow never seemed to come for her.

Did Cam want time to think about what he would say to her? How he’d explain she had to go for his sons’ sakes?
Believe me, Cam, I get it. I am going. This time I mean it.

For some inexplicable reason she couldn’t stop watching his hands as they held his cup and lifted it to his mouth. Those hands had made love to her. She’d wanted to know them on her body once, just once. And now she had. Twice. Only twice wasn’t enough. Not by any measure she could think of.

But she’d have to make do with the memories of that afternoon. That’s all she’d have. No opportunity to make more beautiful mental pictures for later. She couldn’t stay, not even that long. She wasn’t the boys’ mother, yet right now they’d fitted her into the slot as a replacement.

When she’d first arrived, Andrew and Marcus had been desperate to find Margaret and have her back in their lives. Jenny accepted there was no way the role was hers. She couldn’t replace their mum. They wanted, needed, far more than she had to give. Yes, she loved them. More importantly, she loved their father. But she couldn’t do what they wanted. Because one day she might fail them and they’d say, ‘You’re not our mother. You can’t tell us what to do, or how to do it. It’s not your place.’ Cam would be forced to stand up for them, and she’d be broken-hearted again.

Hang on. Wasn’t she jumping the gun here? Cam had probably never intended for her to stay on past getting her foot out of plaster—if that long. It wasn’t as though he’d come out declaring his love for her. She’d been overlaying everything he’d done and said with her own love, not realising Cam hadn’t been at the same game.

So she went for damage control, and told Cam, ‘Today I put Alison’s death in perspective. I know now it wasn’t my fault.’ This was way harder than she’d ever have believed. It went to show how much she loved Cam. ‘But...’
get on with it
‘...just as importantly, staying with you has given me so much. I’ve started to find myself again.’ Her mojo.

‘But here’s the rub. I’m not sure yet what my future holds for me. I can’t make promises that involve you or your family. I won’t guarantee I’ll stay around once I finally get myself sorted. I don’t even know if I want to return to an ED. Or medicine in any form. And if I don’t do that, who am I?’ She’d wanted to be a doctor since Donny Browning had stubbed his toe at her third birthday party. Yet knowing she hadn’t been able to save her twin hadn’t stopped her confidence being undermined enough to terrify her.

‘What about that wee girl in the Wairau ED? You saved her life.’ Thoughtful brown eyes locked with her gaze.

‘Instinct. I didn’t stop to think.’ She held her hand up. ‘And before you say that proves I’ve still got it medically, it’s not the same as making hard decisions about how to treat someone when the situation isn’t as urgent.’

‘I could mention Amanda, little Lily or Haydon. You were great with them, too.’ Cam drained his cup and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. ‘Don’t you think it’s time to let this go? Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself.’

He’d missed the point. ‘This isn’t about guilt now. This is about not knowing who I am any more. I am beginning to think I might return to medicine but I’m nowhere near certain. Until I work that out I can’t stay here. It isn’t fair on you, and it especially isn’t fair on your boys. What if I take off after a few weeks? Or months even? It’s going to hurt them and you’re already dealing with their mother having let them down.’

She knew Cam didn’t get how she could be contemplating giving up medicine for ever. It would be a rare doctor who did. It took so much hard work to qualify, not to mention a ton of dedication, that rarely did anyone ever consider walking away. Tears pricked the backs of her eyelids. Unfortunately, when she opened her mouth there were no more words. She wanted to tell Cam she loved him, and his boys. But she’d still have to say she was leaving so it was probably best she’d become mute.

But the pain. It lanced her, sliced her heart to shreds, twisted her stomach so tight she thought she’d be ill. She should never have stopped here for more than that first night. But it had been too easy to put off leaving. Cam made her feel almost whole again. He’d done more for her in a few short weeks then she’d done all year actively searching for her life.

‘The boys still keep looking for your mojo.’ Cam’s face was sad. ‘Though I think you’ve found some of it already.’

She nodded, slowly drew in air to her lungs and spoke softly. ‘I know. But, Cam, they have to stop. I can’t complete my side of the bargain.’ Not that she’d actually agreed to help find their mother for them. The boys had taken her willingness for granted. ‘You have to talk to them about their mother. I can’t.’

‘You’re right.’ His smile was rueful and brief, and added to her sadness.

She’d lost Alison suddenly. Losing Cam was going to be slow and difficult. But the pain would be similar. Strange, considering she’d loved Alison since the day they were born, and yet had only known Cam for little more than two weeks.

Cam stood up, stretching his arms above his head. ‘We’re both tired. Go to bed. We’ll talk again tomorrow.’

She should pack her few belongings and hitch a ride out of Havelock right now. But Cam was right about one thing. She was exhausted, emotionally as well as in every muscle in her body. Hopefully she’d manage some sleep tonight.

* * *

Cam watched Jenny trudge down the hall to the room that had become hers. Half of him wanted to follow and crawl into bed beside her, hold her tight, and maybe even make love again. Though that exhaustion pulling at her probably precluded any activity tonight. Just holding her would be fine. He could stroke that soft, satin-like skin, breathe in her scent of lemon and lime.

Rinsing out their mugs, he turned to stare at new photos of Andrew and Marcus pinned to the noticeboard. They stood either side of Jenny, grinning at him as he took the picture out on the lawn, looking so happy. Happier than he’d known them to be for so long he’d begun to wonder if they’d ever know happiness again. Jenny had done that for them.

She could easily break their little hearts by taking off again. Tomorrow might be the day. Or it could be in a month’s time. Or a year’s. As much as he wanted to believe he could keep her content here with him, an element of doubt picked at his thinking. Jenny was restless. Today’s trip hadn’t changed that after all. As she’d been direct in pointing out. So, if she was leaving, the sooner the better for his boys.

His heart ached. She’d not only helped the boys, she’d changed his outlook on life. He had a spring in his step, he felt hope for the future again. He could almost taste it: the complete family he’d always wanted, the holidays, showing the boys the way through life’s obstacles. Jenny would be perfect for him. He knew that without a doubt.

But bottom line—he couldn’t risk the boys being hurt again. Margaret had a lot to answer for. He would not compound their anguish by making a mistake with Jenny. No matter what the cost to him and his heart. He came second in this small family.

Tonight he didn’t need to make a mental note about anything, he wouldn’t be sleeping anyway. He’d be wide awake, rueing the day that skateboard had smacked into Jenny’s ankle and tumbled her into their lives. In a matter of weeks he’d found his soulmate, a woman he loved more than he’d have believed possible. Yet tomorrow he’d talk to her and then, he suspected, he’d watch her walk away. It was the only answer for his boys.

But he had one more thing to ask—make that demand—of her before she walked out the door for the last time.

* * *

‘You mustn’t leave without saying goodbye to Andrew and Marcus.’ Cam stepped into the kitchen as Jenny squeezed the teabag and dumped it in the trash can.

Knowing he’d join her out here as soon as the sun began making its appearance, she still gasped with surprise. He’d moved so quietly through the house she hadn’t even heard a floorboard creak. Had he been standing there, watching her? Thinking of yesterday or of tomorrow? Forget those days. She had today to get through.

‘Jenny.’ She’d never heard him sound so harsh, not even when the boys exasperated him. ‘It’s not space tripping you do, is it? It’s avoidance. When my questions get too tough you pretend you didn’t hear me.’

Another gasp. ‘I’ve answered more questions this past fortnight than I have in a year. I’ve told you way more about me and my screwed-up life than I’ve talked to anyone else about it.’ She should’ve sneaked out in the middle of the night, phoned for a taxi to come out from Blenheim to pick her up. The coward’s way out. Easier on her heart. Easier on Cam and his boys. Instead, she’d waited out the long, long hours of darkness so she could see Cam one last time. But there weren’t going to be any happy thank-you-very-much-have-a-great-life farewells this morning. That was apparent in his strained face, in those tired brown eyes watching her every breath.

He snapped his fingers in front of her face. ‘Hello? Just this once give me your full, undivided attention. I want you to explain to the twins that you’re heading away and why. I do not want them thinking they’ve done something bad that’s made you go.’

He was in full protect-his-sons mode, and for that she admired him. Nodding her agreement, she said, ‘I will make sure they understand this has nothing to do with them.’ Picking up her mug in less than steady hands, she gripped it tight and clumped across to the sliding glass door leading out onto the deck. Might as well sit out the next couple of hours, watching the sun crawling ever higher, while trying to come up with something appropriate to say to Marcus and Andrew that they’d understand.

By the time the boys bounced outside to shout good morning she was none the wiser about how to handle the situation. Her mind had been focused entirely on the man she was leaving behind. Cameron had been responsible for her new, improved outlook on life. He’d made her feel again. And feeling led back to hurting. This time the pain was self-inflicted.

‘Jenny, you haven’t forgotten the carols on the marina next week, have you?’ Andrew stood directly in front of her.

Her heart dropped to her stomach.

Marcus added, ‘You will wear that Santa’s hat I made specially, won’t you?’

Nausea raced up her throat. Slapping a hand over her mouth, she dug deep to keep her stomach from tossing her tea at the twins’ feet. Twisting her head from side to side, she waited until she knew her voice box would work in some semblance of normal.

‘Why’s your bag on the step?’ Marcus asked.

Andrew spun around to see what his brother was talking about, spun back. ‘Where are you going? Can we come?’

Cam cleared his throat. ‘Boys, Jenny has to go home today.’

Gratitude for his intervention was instantly replaced by remorse. He sounded like he was talking through a waterfall, all distorted and deep. She opened her mouth, tentatively tried to speak. ‘I’m so sorry, Andrew, Marcus.’ Her mouth snapped shut. Try again. That’s not enough. Her chest rose as she breathed deep.

‘It’s time for me to go home.’ Now, there was a lie. She didn’t have a home. This house had been as close as she’d been to having a home for so long that nowhere else seemed right. As the boys’ mouths opened to state the inevitable, she quickly continued. ‘I only stayed while my ankle got better. Now I have to find a job and go and see my parents.’ Suddenly that left field idea seemed the right thing to do. Go back to Dunedin and mend some bridges with Mum and Dad before deciding where she’d go next.

‘But we don’t—’

‘Want you to go.’

Tears tracked down two small, dismayed faces. Tears that broke her heart all over again. ‘I have to.’ One day they’d see she’d done the right thing by them. Reaching forward, she dragged the boys into a hug. But they weren’t having any of that. They pulled free and ran to stand beside Cam.