Authors: Frank Anthony Polito
Band Fags! (27 page)
It's not every day you see a potential Valedictorian being thrown out of Advanced Algebra/Trig. But not to worryâ¦It's not like I'll get in any trouble. I mean, what's Mr. Borjes expecting me to do? March down to Principal Nowicki's Office and turn myself in?
There is no way I'm missing the Christmas Dance tonight by getting suspended. Besides, with vacation coming up, I know the whole thing will long be forgotten come January when we return from the break. Instead, I go down and sit in the cafeteria where I wait for Betsy to finish class and we go for lunch at Little Caesar's in the Universal Mall food court. Which has become our new favorite hideaway on account of all the Hillbilly High kids go to Taco Bell on 9 Mile or the Burger King on Dequindre in Warren.
As expected, Betsy and I have an excellent time at the Dance. You should see the look on all the Jock Jerks' faces when we walk into the cafeteria together. Betsy looks absolutely beautiful in a red and green plaid skirt worn with black leggings and a matching turtleneck sweater. I wear my black dress pants with the new Christmas sweater Betsy helped me pick out of the J. Crew catalogue.
“Very School Spirit,” she remarks of the gray with maroon snowflakes.
Luckily, we manage to avoid Diane Thompson and Joey Palladino most of the night. There's one minor scare when we return from the bathrooms and see the Happy Couple sharing a kiss beneath the mistletoe tacked up over the doorway.
“I don't know what she sees in him,” Betsy remarks. “You're just as cute.”
“Thanks,” I tell her. Then I add, “You're just saying that⦔
“I am not,” she insists. “Would I be here with you if I thought you were a Total Dog? You know how shallow and superficial I am.” Which is kind of a running joke between us. Although it's true. Betsy once told me if she ever dated a guy and he was a crappy kisser, she'd have to break up with him. Lucky for me, I informed her what a good kisser Alyssa always said I wasâ¦To which she said she'd keep that in mind.
“God, I hate him!” I groan.
“Then quit staring and let's go dance.” And with that, Betsy pulls me onto the dance floor where we “Walk Like an Egyptian.”
But I can't help it. You should see Joey tonight. In his supertight navy dress pants and super-tight white dress shirt, unbuttoned just enough to show off the little gold chain around his neck which I'm assuming Diane gave him as an early Christmas present. I can't remember when I've seen him look so handsome.
I'm still trying to figure out what's up with them. Of all the girls at Hillbilly High, why did Joey end up taking Diane Thompson to the Dance? I bet it's got something to do with Luanne. I can just imagine what she might have said to Joey before Diane and I showed up at Ava Reese's
Pretty in Pink
party. I bet Lou's the one who planted the seed in his mind in order to get back at me for stealing Diane away from her.
I'd love to talk to Joey and find out. But now that he and Diane are officially going together and I'm in love with Betsy Sheffield, what's the point?
Though two weeks later, I find the following letter stuck inside our mailboxâ¦
12â31â86
Jack,
I thought that I better clear up a few things before we both get even more confused, especially me. As I write this letter, I'm lying in bed listening to the tape you gave me on my Walk Man. A song called “If She Knew What She Wants” just came on, and it made me think of you, so I decided to write. Here are some of the words. “He's crazy for this girl, but she don't know what she's looking for. I'd say her values are corrupt but she's all bent to change.” That might not make any sense to you, but it means a lot to me.
Since we were sitting at E.B's tonight I've been thinking about a lot of different stuff. This whole thing is my fault and I'm so sorry. I've been acting like a bitch, I know. This may sound dumb, that is if it even makes any sense. But to be honest, I think you're too good for me. You know exactly what you want and you're not afraid to be yourself. Me, I'm so confused, yet I know I don't deserve a guy like you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think we should just be friends for now. I know what I said on Christmas was totally the opposite, but I also said that sometimes I feel that way and sometimes I don't. It's like I can turn my feelings on and off. That is certainly no way to have a relationship, not knowing when you want to be more than friends, and when you
don't
. I hope this letter hasn't been too stupid or confusing or boring for you. Please don't hate me, even though I've been acting like an asshole! Your friendship means a lot to me, you know?
Love, Betsy
P.S. Just think, a brand new year is hours away. Who knows what could happen in “87”?
How's that for a kick in the pants? Talk about a great way to start off yet another fun and exciting New Year! Why does my Love Life consistently suck?
First Lynn Kelly breaks my heart back in junior high. Then when I get to high school, I meet Alyssa and everything seems great. Till Joey Palladino walks back into my life and fucks it all up. When Diane Thompson comes along, Luanne convinces her I'm a Total Fag and she dumps me.
As you can seeâ¦It's never a dull moment in the Wonderful World of Jack Paterno and the Daytime Drama that is
Life in Hazeltucky.
“Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your⦔
âPrince
The thing that sucks about Mid-Winter Break isâ¦It's in the middle of
Winter.
Unlike Spring Break which takes place in the
Spring
when there's a slight chance the weather might be halfway decent. But Hazeltucky in February is a guaranteed Winter Wonderland. Which leaves nothing to do but stay home curled up under a blanket all day, watching
Days of our Lives
. That is, when I'm not working extra hours at The Farmer.
Speaking of
Days of our Livesâ¦
The other day, my Mom picked up the latest issue of
Soap Opera Digest
and guess who's on the cover? None other than Hope Williams-Brady, aka Kristian Alfonso. Normally, this would be an awesome sight to behold. Especially since she looks as gorgeous as ever. Skin, flawless. Hair piled on top of her head, rich and dark. Hazel eyes penetrating the camera's lens, a slight trace of a smile gracing her face.
But the headline is what kills meâ¦
GOOD-BYE TO DAYS' BO & HOPE:
THE INSIDE STORY!
Even though I knew it was coming, I refused to believe it. I first got wind of the News back in January when I received my copy of the Winter 1987 edition of
Kristian's Korner.
On the pink cardstock cover I noticed a snapshot of Kristian, sitting at a table in what looks like a very fancy restaurant, cheek to cheekâ¦with a man that is
not
her TV husband, Peter Reckell. Beneath the picture, a drawing of two hearts linked together with an arrow.
I immediately turned the page, only to find the following message, signed by Kristian Alfonso herselfâ¦
Thank you for sending the beautiful Christmas cards and lovely holiday gifts.
As you know, I will be leaving the show at the end of March. My departure will be a mixture of happy and sadness. I feel as if I am leaving a family who will always be an important part of my life.
You might also know about my engagement to Simon McCauley. We met in St. Martin at a very romantic restaurant. We plan to get married in the Summer in my hometown of Boston, MA, and I will divide my time between California and St. Martin.
Because I am leaving the show, I will reduce my Fan Club dues to $5.00/year to cover the cost of the continuing newsletters. For a while you can still write to me at the studio address after I leave. Once I have a new address for mail, I will be sure to let you know.
I hope you will continue to keep in touch. Thank you for all your support!
The rest of the newsletter consists of more photos of Kristian and her fiancé, taken on New Year's Eve at the Golden Horn Restaurant in Aspen, CO. The last page features a cute picture of the Happy Couple out on the ski slopes with the caption “SNOW BUNNIES.” Below, a photo of Kristian hugging “SIMON CLAUS.” I'd be lying if I didn't admit that Simon's a good-looking guy. Short dark hair, a great smile, totally clean shaven. He couldn't be any more the opposite of Peter Reckell. But to see Hope Williams-Brady without Bo just doesn't seem right.
But getting back to the
Soap Opera Digestâ¦
On page 16, I read the “Tell All” story in which Kristian explains why she's leaving the show. How she's finally ready to move on after four years. How there are miniseries and films to audition for. And how her offscreen relationship with Peter Reckell was anything but amicableâ¦Which comes as a Total Shock!
I can't even believe some of the other things she reveals in the interviewâ¦In all the years they worked together, Peter never wanted to appear on Talk Shows with her or make public appearances. Even though he's also leaving
Days,
it wasn't something they planned on doing together. It just happened to work out that way. Hearing all these things really burns me up! How could her TV True Love be so mean to her? Without Kristian Alfonso, Peter Reckell wouldn't even have a career. What a jerk!
Just wait till I tell Carrie Johnsonâ¦
Kristian also goes on to talk about her upcoming wedding. How she's getting married in Boston but no date has been set. How she'll be wearing Hope's wedding dress from the show. Which kind of bums me out on account of how much I hated the way she looked in that veil! I've been looking forward to seeing her in something new. I also can't help but think how déjà vu it's going to be for her. But she also makes a comment about how she's already performed an exorcism on the dress, taking Peter out and putting Simon in. Which is kind of funny, don't you think?
But what really pisses me off isâ¦When I turn to page 105, I see an article titled “SPEAKING OUT: Peter Reckell At the Crossroads.” In which he tells his side of the story. I can't even believe he has the audacity to say he's worried about Kristian and her future. He calls her a “young actor” and comments on how she hasn't done much. To which I say, what about
The Star Maker
with Rock Hudson in 1981? Peter makes it sound like Kristian won't ever do anything else. For her sake, I hope she goes out there and totally proves him wrong!
As angry as all this makes me, I've unfortunately got more important things to worry aboutâ¦
Tonight a bunch of us are hanging out over Ava Reese's houseâme, Brad, Max, Ava, Carrie, and Audrey. I don't know where Betsy is. Probably off somewhere with her sister, Cheri, who's home for the weekend from U of M. For some reason, Betsy's got this thing about hanging out with the Band Fags since she isn't one. Though I keep reminding her neither is Audrey nor Max. Secretly, I think she thinks all my friends don't like her on account of she's a Popular Cheerleader. Plus, all my friends went to Webb and Betsy went to Beecher so she tries to blame it on that.
Anywaysâ¦
Here we were, sitting around Ava's kitchen playing this totally fun drinking game called “Thumper” while making a firm dent in a case of Budweiser, which Max somehow managed to bring along.
“How'd you get beer?” I asked him when he arrived, red-white-and-blue cardboard suitcase in tow.
How Max knew I was quoting from one of my favorite
Facts of Life
episodes when an underage Jo Polniaczek brings beer to a party at Eastland School for Girls, I have no idea. But he chimed right in with his best Nancy McKeon, “I got beer.”
In case you've never played Thumper, basically what happens isâ¦Before the game begins, everybody comes up with their own special hand gesture. Like rabbit ears behind the head. Or owl eyes. Or Max's favorite, sticking his tongue between his V-shaped fingers and flicking it. Which totally skeeves Audrey out every time he does it. (Gross!)
Then everybody sits around, drinks in front of them,
thumping
on the table with their index and middle fingers. Like voodoo savages around a campfire.
The Leader calls out, “What's the name of the game?”
To which everybody replies, “Thumper!” In unison, all the while continuing to thump.
“What's the object of the game?”
“To get fucked up!”
Then what happens isâ¦The Leader has to perform his/her own hand gesture followed by somebody else's in the group. Then that person has to perform his/her own hand gesture followed by somebody else's,
and so on and so on and so onâ¦
Till somebody skips a beat or doesn't respond quickly enough. At which point that person has to take a drink. Then play resumes with the person who just drank now acting as The Leader.
I know it might sound totally easy. But believe me, after a few roundsâand a few beersâit can get pretty complicated. And pretty hilarious!
I should probably set the record straight hereâ¦All my friends are firm believers in the policy that is
Don't Drink and Drive.
Whenever we go out and alcohol is involved, we always make sure we have our Designated Driver. Or on nights when we're hanging out at Ava's like this, I always stay over at Max's or Brad's house. Which are both within stumbling distance.
“Oh, my Godâ¦I suck at this!” Brad cries after forgetting his own Thumper hand gestureâyet again.
“Drink, drink, drink!” the other Thumpers chant till he takes a sip of his beer.
“That's not a drink,” Max teases, chugging half a can of his own. “Now
that's
a drink!” Then he lets out a huge disgusting belch.
“Pig!” Carrie groans, making a face.
“I'll second that,” adds Audrey. Then she starts to “oink.”
Max just smiles, watermelon Bubblicious and Budweiser breath. “Thank you very much,” he replies, in his best Elvis.
At which point the doorbell ringsâ¦
“I'll get it.”
I sprint into the living room, my head dizzy with drink. I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when I discover none other than Joey Palladino standing beneath the moon's glow on Ava's front porch. Bundled up in that goddamn pea coat of his, he looks like the Old Spice Guyâ¦Totally hot!
“Is this where the party is?” he asks with his shit-eating grin.
I reply, cold as ice, “I wouldn't call it a party.”
“It is now.” And with that, Joey invites himself in. The pine scent of Polo wafts over me as I follow him back to the kitchen.
“Jo-ey!” Max calls, reaching out for a High-Five as Joey enters. “Wha's up?”
“It's not a problem that I stopped by, is it?” Joey asks the group.
Of course, none of the girls mind basking in the Presence that is Palladino.
“Not at all,” Ava tells him.
“Fine by me,” Carrie adds.
“Take your coat off and stay a while,” Audrey suggests with a sigh. Which Joey immediately does, revealing a skintight sweater clinging to his practically perfect pecs.
“There's a seat over here by me,” Ava informs him, patting the available chair at the corner of the table. But for some reason, Joey chooses to pull the chair up beside me.
“You okay there, Big Guy?” he asks.
I notice his brown eyes look a little bleary and his breath smells of beer. He's obviously already had a few before showing up unannounced. “Where's Diane?” I ask. Then I pop open another can of Bud and take a big gulp. As much as I still can't stand the taste of beer, what I really need right now is to get good and wasted.
“She's in Florida with her parents,” Joey tells us. “She's been gone all week.”
“That sucks,” says Ava, twirling a lock of her curly brown hair.
“Totally,” adds Carrie, grinning.
Followed by Audrey's, “Big time.”
From the tone in his voice, it doesn't seem like Joey even cares that his girlfriend hasn't been around for the entire Mid-Winter Break. I know if I had a girlfriend, I'd want us to spend each and every free moment we had together. Isn't that what being in a relationship is all about?
Max brings Joey up to speed on the evening's events. Leading up to the last round of Thumper where Brad had once again been thumped.
“Sounds like fun,” Joey says enthusiastically. “Can I play?”
“Sure,” answers Ava.
“Of course,” adds Carrie.
“You bet,” chimes in Audrey with a sigh.
At which point Brad lets out a groan. “I can't drink any more beerâ¦I think I'm gonna puke!”
“Aim for the toilet,” Ava advises him. “My parents will kill me if they come home and find barf all over the bathroom!”
“We don't have to play a drinking game,” says Joey. “How about something a little moreâ¦interesting?”
“Likeâ¦?” Ava, Carrie, and Audrey ask in perfect unison.
To which Joey replies, “How about Truth-or-Dare?”
This is the last thing I need right now! So I say, “Brad's not feeling goodâ¦Maybe I should take him home?”
“Don't worry about me,” Brad answers. “I'll be fine.” Then he laughs.
“Shall we move into the French Room?” Max suggests, leading the way.
We settle into our places, Ava on the brown and beige plaid overstuffed sofa between her Best Friends, Carrie and Audrey. “You sure you don't wanna sit over here?” she asks Joey.
“I'm good,” he replies, opting for a place on the matching love seat beside Yours Truly.
“Am I squashing you?”
I inform him, “I'm good.” How can I complain with Joey's thigh most definitely touching my thigh?
“I'll go first.” Looking around the circle, Ava takes charge. Back and forth and back and forth, her eyes finally settle on Carrie. “Truth or Dare?”
Suppressing a giggle fit, Carrie covers her mouth with her hands and literally wipes the smile off her face. “Dare.”
“I dare you,” Ava says, slowly and with suspense, “I dare you toâ¦kissâ¦Joey.”
And so it beginsâ¦
Round after round, none of the girls have a problem with taking the Dare. It would be nice to come up with something a little more original than “I dare you to kiss so-and-so.” Which is what Truth-or-Dare always ends up being whenever we play it. A bottle-less version of Spin-the-.