Before and Ever Since (9781101612286) (12 page)

“Where did he go?” Ben asked. I could hear the familiar irritation in his voice that was still there today.

Other-me picked up her hands and flopped them down again. “I don't know. Smoke a joint, maybe? Make out with Kathy Carmichael?”

Her voice sounded miserable, and I wanted to shut this memory off. I couldn't stand to remember that I put up with Kevin's crap back that far.

“Kathy Carmichael?” Ben said. “She'll put out for anything.” Then he glanced sideways. “Sorry.”

Other-me shrugged. “She was hovering, so I'm just guessing.”

“Why do you stay with him, Em?” Ben said, his voice soft. “He's a dick for not seeing—I mean, damn.” He gestured at other-me's body. “I saw that dress, and you're looking like this? He's a fucking moron.”

She laughed. “You're good for my ego.”

“I'm serious, you've—” He pointed at her boobs, which were shoved nearly out of the top. I remembered thinking there was almost no point. “You've got like Viking titties going on here, Em. What's up with that?”

“It's the corset thing,” other-me said, fidgeting with it. “Shoves everything up.”

“No shit,” he said, staring. “In fact, here.” Ben unzipped the hoodie and pulled it off, showing hard muscles I remembered weren't from working out but from toting lumber at his job. “Put this on.”

“Why?” other-me said, laughing as she threaded her arms through the too-big jacket. “You see more of me in a bikini.”

“I don't know,” Ben said, smoothing out his Van Halen T-shirt that clung to his body like a glove. “Something about knowing it's just underwear is too much.”

She slapped a hand over her face. “Oh my God. You're so full of it.”

“No, I'm not.”

“Whatever.” Other-me lay back down with Ben's hoodie wrapped around her. “So why didn't you go? You could've got someone half naked and gotten laid.”

“Did that earlier,” he said with a grin.

She chuckled. “Okay.”

“And evidently, I just had to come here to see the half-naked part. Is that gonna be a trend?”

She swung a hand at his chest. “Ha-ha, you're funny.”

“So Kevin doesn't even know you left?” Ben asked. Other-me shrugged, and he smiled. “Want to go egg his car? Stab a tire?”

“No,” she said, laughing.

“Maybe I'll rig up his locker,” he said.

“Let it go,” she said.

I laughed because I knew he hadn't. He'd tortured Kevin behind the scenes for weeks, leaving dog poop in his car and putting red pepper powder in his gym shorts.

“So, how's Bobby liking his new apartment?” she asked.

It was Ben's turn to shrug, and he lay out flat next to her. “He's away. What's not to like?”

“You staying there tonight or going home?”

“Nah, he's got a girl there tonight, so—”

“Then be careful,” she said, looking at him and reaching out her hand.

He took it and laced his fingers with hers. “I always am.”

I felt hot tears burn my eyes as I watched the scene I thought I'd remembered. I knew we were close, but time had faded my memory of exactly how special our bond had been. How had I not seen it then? Not that it would have mattered. He would have just gotten what he wanted earlier and moved on.

That part I'd always understood. It was the leaving town that always befuddled me.

“So have you heard yet about going full time after graduation?” she asked.

He shook his head. “My boss has been gone a lot. I'll hit him up again next week. I'm pretty sure he likes me, so hopefully he'll give me the hours.”

“I wish I could just go to Egypt or somewhere, intern with an archaeologist instead of all that school,” she said.

“Yeah, but all that school is the partying time,” he said with a smile.

She snickered. “Yeah, that's me. Party girl. And going to the college here is not party time. It's probably live-with-my-parents time.”

“Nah, you can get a cheap place on the other side of town,” he said, playing with her hand. “Hey, did you even get to dance?”

“Nope.”

“What a dick.”

“Walk away, Ben.”

A slow song came over the radio. “I'll do better than that.” He got to his feet and held out a hand, and I gasped as the memory hit me.

“What are you doing?” other-me asked, looking at him with a funny grin.

“Oh, shit,” I whispered from my little bubble as my eyes filled with tears. “Damn it, Ben, I forgot about this.”

“Dance with me,” he said, pulling her up.

“Are you crazy?” she said. “We'll fall off.”

“Nah, we've done worse. Come on.” He pulled her into his arms as she fluffed her hair out. “You look too good to waste a good song,” he said, grinning down at her.

“Yeah, in a hoodie?” she said.

“Exactly,” Ben said. “What other guy can say they danced on a roof with a hot girl wearing nothing but his jacket?”

“I have on more than that.”

He shrugged. “Not when I tell it,” he said, grinning down at her.

Other-me laughed, tossing her head back. The way they looked at each other, if I hadn't lived it myself, I'd think they were lovers. But they weren't. Not yet. They danced a little awkwardly, standing at an angle, but he held her tight enough to leave no question. I remembered looking into his eyes as we laughed over our crooked dance and thinking how easy everything was with him.

“I owe you another one of those one day,” he said when the song was over.

Other-me looked happy again. He had that effect. “Really? Why is that?”

“A real dance, in a real place—to that song, even,” he said, pointing at the radio.

“So that wasn't real?” she said, laughing.

“Nope, figment of your imagination. So you can never dance to that song with anybody but me. What was the name of it?”

She raised eyebrows at him. “You don't even know what the song was and you want me to pledge it to you forever?”

“Yep.”

Other-me rolled her eyes and did a little Japanese bow. “Okay, I promise. Goes for you, too.”

“Not a problem.”

“Because you just go straight to the deed, right?”

“Pretty much,” he said, giving the arrogant smile. “So what's the song?”

“‘I Love You.'”

“I love you, too.”

Other-me blew out a breath and even I could see the impatience on her face. “That's the name, goof, it's by Climax Blues Band.”

“All right,” he said, gesturing toward her with a nod. “I need to get going. Keep the jacket for now.”

She stretched and bent to pick up the blanket. “Yeah, I'll probably go read or something. God, we've become old fogies.”

“Why?”

“Two years ago, we'd have stayed out swimming all night, now look at us.”

He grinned and looped an arm around her neck for a hug. “Yeah, we're old.”

“Be careful tonight, Ben.” Other-me pulled away to look up at him. “Seriously, don't provoke him.”

“You worry too much,” he said with a wink, backing up. “Go read. Put some clothes on,” he said with a chuckle as he climbed onto the tree and disappeared from view. She folded the blanket, put it back in its place, and grabbed the little radio on her way back in.

I sat there, wondering why I was still there. The scene was clearly over, and it was by far the longest flashback I'd been sent to see. Everything was quiet for a second and then Ben's head appeared at the roofline again.

“What the heck?” I said.

He walked with careful steps over to the window, and peeked in for just a second. At first, I thought he was being a perv, but then he left the window, walked right past me with a troubled look on his face, and pulled the blanket back out.

He wrapped it around himself and sat down right next to me in his usual spot, not a foot away. I didn't dare breathe, although I knew he couldn't hear me. There I was, studying his profile again, wishing I could ask him the questions I couldn't ask his older self.

But more than that, I was floored to realize he stayed there, sleeping on our roof. And it made me wonder how many other nights he'd done that. Found the only safe place he could. He closed his eyes hard, as if he were forcing them, and my heart broke.

“Ben—”

It was all I had the chance to get out before the breath was knocked clean out of me. I was pulled back fast, blackness swirling around me, pushing on my chest, shoving me forward.

•   •   •

“Emily!”

Ben's voice was loud in my ears as the air filled my lungs in a gulp. I coughed and felt my body tremble uncontrollably. And when I opened my eyes I was looking straight into Ben's. He was kneeling in front of me, my face in his hands, and when I saw the fear and worry in his eyes, my weakened defenses broke.

“Emily, talk to me.”

“Ben,” I said, with no actual sound.

He heard me though, and massive relief flooded his face. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine, taking deep breaths.

“Holy shit, Em, you scared the life out of me.”

“I'm sorry,” I said, feeling tears run down my cheeks, hot as fire. I couldn't stop. Looking at him now, thinking of all the time that had passed, and yet there we were again. On the roof.

“What the hell is going on?” he said, his mouth so close to mine I could feel the words. He pulled back a little then, studying me, wiping my tears away with his fingers. “Are you sick? Are you—are you having strokes or something?”

I shook my head. “No, I'm fine.” But the flood wouldn't be stopped, and the physical closeness was like a drug I couldn't leave behind. As he put more space between us, I pulled him back, wrapping my arms around his neck and letting the sadness wash over me. Something in the furthermost recesses of my mind told me to shut it down, but I couldn't. I couldn't let go.

CHAPTER

10

B
EN INHALED SHARP AND DEEP, AND
I
PRAYED HE DIDN'T THINK
I was mauling him, but then he wound his arms around me and pulled me in tight. It felt right, being wrapped up in him there. It felt like the old days, when I could sink into him and everything was okay. Until seeing that in action again, I'd forgotten just how incredible that was. And knowing there was no logical way to have that again just made my heart hurt more.

“Talk to me,” he whispered after several moments.

“It's not that simple.”

He pulled me back gently, and then caught my hands in his before I could get completely away. “Look around you,” he said, nodding to either side. “Where we are. This is the one place it
is
simple.”

I looked down at his hands holding mine, and thought back to when that was a normal occurrence, not something making my skin tingle. We'd once had no secrets, but I had a big one now. One I couldn't tell him, not even up in the place where the magic happened. My eyes filled again, and I blew out a breath, frustrated with the amount of water I could evidently spew forth.

Before I could say anything, he pulled me a little closer, and it was my turn to suck in a breath as I saw the dark intensity in his eyes.

“Emily, I just watched you stop breathing for a full minute, and I don't think I've ever been so fucking terrified in my life. Don't blow me off again.” He shook his head slightly. “Not up here.”

As I blinked the tears free, I tried to hold my head up to look confident and assured. I needed to let him in on at least what he'd witnessed. He was right—sort of. The roof was where everything was safe.

“Ben, you're not gonna believe me.”

One side of his mouth curved upward, but it didn't reach his eyes. He was still worried. “Give it a shot.”

I gave him a wary look, not sure if I could stand the rejection again if he thought I was nuts and left. I let go of his hands and wiped my face, swiping under my eyes and cursing the fact that I was not a pretty crier. He thought I was dying or having convulsions or something, though, so I guess he wasn't too uptight about swollen eyes.

“I keep getting sent back in time.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Say what?”

I nodded and looked away. “Yeah. See? I told you it—”

“Emily,” he said, stopping me. “Don't get defensive. Just talk to me.”

I looked in his eyes and didn't see the urge to bail. Not yet. So I licked my lips and took a deep breath. “Remember prom night?”

He blinked in surprise, and then got a faraway look as he dug up the memory. “Sort of.”

“Up here.” I pointed to where we were. “Right there, actually. In my underwear—”

“Gave you my jacket,” he said, his expression looking a little foggy, but like things were beginning to dawn.

I nodded. “Yes, you did.”

“What about it? What's that got to do with—”

“You pretended to leave, but came back after I went in, got the blanket out of the bag, and slept right here,” I said, pointing down. “Wrapped up in the blanket.”

Clarity and backpedaling borne of survival mode took over his features. “You—I didn't know you knew about that.”

“I didn't,” I said. “And there may have been other times you did that, but I just saw it. Just now. I just relived that night.”

Confusion showed all over him. “What—how?”

I shook my head. “I don't know. Something to do with this house?”

“This house?”

I held up my hands. “It only happens here. And the things I go back to are only in whatever room I'm in.”

Ben closed his eyes. “Hang on. Back up.” When he opened them, there was no ridicule or sarcasm. “You're serious.”

“I couldn't possibly make this up. I'm not that creative.”

He looked at me for a long moment, and then sat back next to me, leaned up against the house.

“Okay. Start from scratch.”

•   •   •

I
TOLD HIM ALL OF IT.
A
BOUT THE FIRST TIME WHEN HE'D
arrived, seeing my parents buying the house, seeing Holly as a toddler and my dad just starting the hardware business. About seeing myself as a child and the first time he'd come over. About finding out my mother used to clean houses to help pay the bills, and how they kept bailing out my uncle. And about prom night.

“It's like it's going in order,” he said. “Progressing through your life.”

“Not just mine,” I said. “My mom's, too.”

“But you're not there—like interacting?”

“No, I'm watching,” I said. “I can't move, and no one can hear me.”

“And it's just for a minute?”

“I guess,” I said. “You've told me before it was ten seconds, this time was like a minute. But for me, it's real time. This time had to be like thirty minutes. I mean, think about it. You were there. We talked, we danced—”

“We danced,” he said. I looked at him, and he had an odd distant look on his face. Almost a smile. “I remember that.”

“And you spent the night up here,” I said softly. “How often did you do that?”

The almost-smile vanished. “More times than I care to count.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because you knew enough already,” he said. “I took care of myself. Found a place that he couldn't reach.”

“But—”

“You would have brought me inside, Em,” he said, meeting my gaze with a hard edge. “Your parents would have eventually found out, they would have called mine, tried to be all helpful, and then my dad would know where to come looking. It wouldn't have been safe anymore.”

I nodded. “Sorry you had to deal with all that.”

“You don't need to be sorry,” he said, a smile in his eyes as he echoed my words. “You were the good stuff back then.”

A laugh escaped my throat. “Back then?”

“Yeah.” He reached over and rested his hand on mine, giving it a little squeeze.

I tried not to focus on the warmth of his fingers or how I could feel his pulse beating against the back of my hand. I tried to push down the burn in my stomach and not give in to the thoughts of how much I'd missed him.

“So what am I now?” I dared to ask.

He blew out a breath. “Complicated.”

I chuckled. “So you believe me?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Of course.”

I looked at him warily. “That simple, huh?”

“Well, like you said, you aren't creative enough to make something like that up.”

I elbowed him and he laughed.

“Something's trying to tell you a story. Or show you something, Em,” he said. “All you can do is pay attention.”

A couple of sparrows chased each other, landed in the tree, then onto the roof. They stopped, mid-chatter, to stare at us like we were aliens.

“Well, now you know I'm not stroking out,” I said. I wanted to go with that flow. Keep it light. Enjoy feeling like friends again. But another part of me was telling me to ask the tough questions while we were “where the magic happened,” even though I knew that probably meant the magic would be over.

“So—if I was the good stuff then, Ben, why did you leave me?”

The silence that followed was deep and thick, as I waited for an answer and then wished I'd never gone there. I stared at his hand on mine, and I swear I felt the temperature go frosty.

“Because you had other plans,” he said finally, but his voice had changed.

I head-jerked toward him. “I had what?”

“You belonged with Kevin, not me. That was a pipe dream. Look at the house you live in. The daughter you have together.”

My mouth worked, but words weren't lining up correctly. “A pipe—”

“I couldn't give you that,” he said. “I wouldn't take the chance on turning out like my dad. I'd rather never have kids than be that kind of father, so I got fixed as soon as I could afford it.”

I stared at him, the words about never having children burning my chest. But it wasn't the sweet, caring Ben of a few moments before. It was the angry version again. The one I had so much trouble understanding. He pushed to his feet, still holding my hand, and pulled me up.

“You're like Jekyll and Hyde, you know that?” I said.

“And you're hell-bent on fixing the past instead of just enjoying now.” He gestured around us. “This was nice. We actually—connected again. But that's not good enough for you.”

He headed to the window and I followed him reluctantly. He made it back through faster than he'd made it out, and he turned, holding out his hands to help me back through. My guess was that chivalry was the only thing pushing that action. He grabbed me around the waist to haul me down from the window seat, which put me square in his arms when my feet touched the floor. He didn't let go right away, just looked hard into my eyes.

“You're being called to visit old times. Okay. But there are certain times I don't want to revisit,” he said, his voice quiet. “If you end up there, I don't want to know about it. I don't want to dig it up and talk about it.”

“Why? Ben, you want to talk about
magic
—”

“Because it serves no purpose, Em.” He let me go and held his hands out. “It just stirs up old shit. It's like talking about my dad. What's the point? It doesn't change anything. My mom? She was a victim, too, in a different way.” Ben took a deep breath and rubbed his face and then his hair, making it stick up in little spikes. “Me and you? I have no desire to go backward and reopen old wounds. I'd rather focus on now.”

I was about to ask what old wounds he had to draw on regarding me when he lifted my chin and kissed my lips. Even through my shock, I felt the energy ripple between us, and his breathing quicken.

“Starting with there.”

He turned and walked out, leaving me to stand there like a goon, just as Bernie and my mother walked in. My mom turned to glance behind her after she looked at me—probably because I looked like I'd been shot and dragged through the mud with all my crying.

“You okay?” she asked.

“He really just did that,” I mumbled.

“Just did what?” Aunt Bernie asked as she came in and looked around. “Girl, you still have a lot to do in here.”

“Yeah,” I said, annoyed that they had horned in on my moment. I shook my head free of the fog that accompanied Ben's lips, and then got annoyed again that there
was
even fog. Or a moment. “Um—yeah,” I repeated, looking around. “Still a lot to do.”

I grabbed a box from the closet and left the room, leaving them behind me. I'd just start loading up my car with crap and then I wouldn't have to come back every day. Although that was a joke since I knew I would.

I got increasingly irate at his audacity as I lugged an unfortunately heavy box down the stairs. I put it down to open the door, and then cursed my remote for not opening my trunk.

“Need some help?” Ben called from the garage.

I pinned the box against the car with my body and ignored him as I opened it with the key.

“Hey,” he said, walking up, a folded sheet of plastic under his arm.

“I've got it,” I said.

“Oh, I see that,” he said, laughter in his voice.

I got the box in the trunk and whirled around. “Where do you get off just kissing me like that?”

His eyes widened in humorous surprise. “Was it hideous?”

He knew it wasn't. He knew it had curled my toes. “You don't want to face anything heavy, answer any tough questions, just skip off into the future—”

“I'm pretty sure I never mentioned skipping.”

“Like I'm supposed to trust you now,” I continued, ignoring him. “And then you lay that kiss on me.”

He laughed, which just lit me up more. “I didn't tackle you, Em.”

“How would you feel if I just walked up and—did this.” Before I knew it, I had his face in my hands and my mouth was on his. What was intended to be aggressive immediately turned soft. Searching.

Shaking, I let go and stepped back, not knowing what the hell I was doing. His eyes were heavy and his breathing was fast.

“How would you—what would you do?” I asked weakly, though I managed to keep my head up as I turned to walk away.

I felt his hand on my arm as he spun me back around and backed me against the car. His hands came up to my face and his mouth and body landed against mine at the same time. All the air left me as I expected something fiery and got soft and deliciously slow instead. When he dove deeper, I defied all my own defenses and pulled him in, winding my arms around him. Just when I began to lose myself in his kiss, he stopped and backed away slowly.

His fingers trailed down my cheeks as he met my eyes with an expression so full of heat it could have self-ignited.

“Probably something like that,” he breathed, sounding a little ragged.

“Okay then,” I croaked. “Glad we're clear.”

“Your move?”

I held up a finger, pretty impressed that I could. “I'm good,” I said, sliding sideways around him.

I headed straight back into the house and up the stairs, not missing a beat. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”

I was on fire. I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, then groaned at the sight of myself. I glowed, I was so red. And I still had paint globs sticking out of my hat and puffy eyes from crying.

“What the hell am I doing?” I said, running the icy water over my wrists to cool off. “This isn't a game. You aren't fifteen.”

“Why are you talking to yourself?” my mother said from behind me, making me jump.

I blew out a breath and grabbed a nearby towel. I pressed my face into it and wished for that one second that I could stay in there.

“Because I'm losing my mind,” I said into the towel.