Brother Bear Mated (9 page)

Chapter Eleven

Nastia scowled at the bowl of chili on the table in front of her. It was Eagan’s special something-or-other and she got the hint she was supposed to adore it. But if she was honest, it tasted like sawdust and vomit.

Darkness swirled in her veins, palpable now. It was poisoning everything and making her wonder if the poison was really a gift. Darkness made her stronger, it was clear.

It was a week later and the
second
dinner-n-research Magic had scheduled. At this rate, he might as well twiddle his thumbs and whistle. They should be doing this every day until a solution was found. But nooooo. There was a lodge to run. There was business to attend to. There was life to live while hers hung in the balance.

She narrowed her eyes in the clan leader’s direction. He held an amber colored long neck bottle in one hand, his other curved around his mate Josie’s bulging baby bump. Yes, he wasn’t worried in the least about the Sorcera’s future. The bastard had promised to help them and here he was just wasting time while she wasted away.

Nastia should kill him. But his mate first, so he’d hurt before he died.

Why had she helped them in the first place? These people meant nothing to her. She should have let them all die.

Except…

A pain speared her chest and she swallowed around it, trying to remember what it meant.

Thames.

He stood over in the corner of the dining room, deep in conversation with Mason and Theron. He wasn’t easing the night away, she knew. Whatever was being said between those three, was pertinent to the Sorcera’s problem. He was fighting for her like he’d promised he would.

For Thames. That’s why she’d helped this clan. She hadn’t known it yet, but it was for him. Because this pain in her chest meant she loved him. Yes, she did. She remembered now.

Her dark thoughts toward the clan weren’t hers, but they were getting harder and harder to fight. How much longer could she do it? Perhaps she needed to be confined to the cave again.

No
. No one would lock her up like a prisoner. Not when she was the best among them. She could wipe this lodge clean of their existence in one breath. One snap of her fingers. The darkness was there, waiting for her to harness it.

Like she had before.

It had felt good being the one to save them. Being the one strong enough to do so. They should bow to her for it. Worship her even. She could build a throne in Thames’s chapel and require them to bow or die.

What fun that would be.

Thames.

He stared at her from across the room, eyes digging into her until she hurt again. Love. She loved him. She’d never take his chapel away. He talked to his god there. It would hurt him and she couldn’t do that.

As she brought her water glass to her lips, she took note of how badly her hands shook. The tremors were new, coming in the past two days, but they were getting worse. Her spirit and mind were at war, and her body was taking the toll.

She should stop fighting.

Thames crossed the room and sank into the chair beside her. His hand eased up along her spine and gripped the back of her neck firm enough to make her focus. A reminder of who she belonged to. And it helped. When he touched her, the darkness wasn’t so dark.

She glanced back to Magic and saw the scene in a completely different light. Josie was holding one of the tomes Mirena had brought back for them to study, while Magic read over her shoulder.

Nastia frowned as her gaze roamed the dining room.

Layna sat hunched over another book, shoveling spoonfuls of chili into her mouth while one finger traced along the page as she read.

Ryan and Gash were scribbling down notes as Bailey read aloud from a third book.

Doc Davis and Owyn were listening as Adira explained something that wasn’t reaching Nastia’s ears.

Clara and Eagan were refilling bowls and drinks to keep everybody working at their best potential.

Renner and Bethany were studying with Mirena. Even little Rhys was propped on his daddy’s hip, watching intently.

The entire clan was there for her and her sisters. The entire clan was working toward a solution while she sat there stewing over her situation.

“Mate,” Thames spoke low. “Are you okay?”

She nodded, but she didn’t think she was telling him the truth.

Digging into her collar she fished around for the purple heart stone. After it disappeared a week ago, she’d found some spare twine and made it into a necklace so Newt couldn’t drag it off again. Pulling it free of her top, she rubbed her thumb over the stone, hoping it would focus her enough to calm the shakes.

Mirena barked out a high pitched
whoop
and all eyes flicked to her. She didn’t look up from her book. “I… I’m not sure but… I might have found something.”

That same sick hope Nastia had felt before unfurled wildly as she jumped up to read over her sister’s shoulder. Thames followed her, pressing close against her back, and then the others were there too. She felt like she had an army behind her… or a herd waiting to trample her.

She clutched her stone tighter, trying to remain normal.

“Some believe a life born of love can anchor a magic user to her light when a true Anchor can’t be found,” Mirena read aloud. Her finger kept her place as she looked up at the group gathered behind her. “A child. A baby? Could it be so easy?”

Adira was silent, but the rest of them started babbling.

“A life born of love,” Bailey said. “Of course. Why didn’t we consider that before? The idea is to connect with something so thoroughly that it holds you to your power, yeah? A baby could do that.” She rubbed her belly even though there was no bump yet to show she was pregnant.

“Thames, man,” Ryan chuckled, punching him on the shoulder. “Get ‘er done. Put a bun in the ov and
boom
, female saved.”

“Did… did we just find the answer?” Doc asked quietly.

“Whewwww,” Theron blew out a heavy breath. “Okay, so babies can be Anchors. Hope you wanted chilluns, Nas. I know Thames has wanted cubs since he was old enough to have dolls. You can handle it from here, yeah brother?” He clapped his hands together glancing from Adira to Mirena. “Guess you’ll both need young put in you too, huh?”

Mason shook his head, frowning. “This can’t be right.”

But no one listened to him. They just kept spouting off their relief until it sounded like a buzzing in Nastia’s ears. Like insects burrowing into her brain, singing a song she wanted to mute but couldn’t.

“Stop,” she said, but they didn’t.

“More babies for the clan wouldn’t hurt my feelings none,” Magic murmured, his face slipping into a grin.

“I can’t believe it,” Mirena gushed, staring at Theron. “You dared me to find the answer, and I
did
. I did it!”

He smiled down at her, proud. “I knew you could.”

And that was all the buzzing Nastia could take.

“You
idiot!
” she screeched, bringing all the celebrating to a swift standstill.

Mirena stared at her, jaw hanging.

“Nas,” Adira murmured in her calm tone.

“Don’t
Nas
me! She’s completely lost her mind. Stupid, stupid girl!”

A low rumble crawled up Theron’s throat, but she paid it no heed. She gripped her stone so hard it was sure to leave imprints on her palm.

“We can’t have a child. There isn’t time. Have you forgotten,
sister?
” she spat. “Darkness can’t bring forth light. Magei can’t have babies!”

Mirena’s mouth fished open and shut.

“The dark witches can’t procreate?” Doc asked.

“Darkness can’t bring forth light,” Nastia gritted out. “Giving life is a light magic that even the lowest
commoners
can recognize.”

Doc raised one eyebrow at Nastia’s implication of her stupidity, and then very calmly lifted her middle finger to flip her off.

“Children, in their innocence, have a light of their own,” Adira explained, gesturing to Rhys. “You can see it, can’t you? In his smiles, his eyes as he learns, explores.”

“It makes sense,” Owyn murmured.

“But you aren’t Magei yet,” Mirena argued.

Nastia gave her a withering glare. “I’ve taken in dark power and used its magic to kill. That’s the whole reason for us devising the undead spell in the first place, remember. Because an Anchor won’t work for me. You said that yourself. And now you offer me solutions requiring an Anchor. You’re
useless
.”

Mirena’s shoulders sank as she realized her mistake. She really was stupid, wasn’t she?

“I think we’ve established the fact that I’m not of the light anymore.”

Her sister stared at her, expression so sad it made Nastia want to lose her stomach at the useless emotion. Pitiful to be so effected by another person’s actions. She’d never be like Mirena again.

“Yes, we have.” Mirena let a tiny smile lift the corner of her mouth as she reached forward to touch Nastia’s arm. “But we won’t give up on you, sister.”

The touch grounded her momentarily. Sister. Her sister. She loved her sisters. The pain throbbing where her heart was proved it. She shouldn’t hurt them. With word or deed. She shouldn’t.

But it felt good. To finally speak freely. To call stupidity stupid. To call weakness weak.

“Yeah?”

Mirena nodded. “Yeah.”

Adira agreed and so did the others. Too many nods to count. They started the buzzing in her head again.

“Yeah? Well…” Nastia gripped the purple rock tighter, her fist shaking with rage. “Maybe you should, because you’re failing anyway. You too,” she hissed at Adira, ignoring when the sister closed her eyes to absorb the words. “And the damn rock you gave me is as useless as you are. Some Sorcera you two have become.”

Nastia spun for the door, knocking Clara out of the way and ignoring the protests from the others.

In the lobby of the lodge, Thames caught up with her, but she shrugged him off. “I need to be alone. Need some air.”

His big body blocked her way to the door and with his finger under her chin he forced her eyes up to his. “We do things together, remember. This is our way. I’ll go with you.”

“No,” she said, unwilling to argue. “I’m getting some air.
Without
you. I need to think.”

Thames’s brow crinkled tight. He’d had that look more times than she could count this week. “It’s getting worse, isn’t it? The dark power?”

Nastia shrugged, pulling her gaze away. She wanted out of this stifling place. Out under the night sky. The dark sky. The beautiful darkness that she was adapting to.

“Or better,” she clipped. “Depends on how you look at it.”

He shook his head. “You hurt your sisters. They’re trying, Nastia. We all are.”

She knew, yet she was angry about it. Angry that they weren’t doing enough, angry that they were doing so much. Angry, angry, angry all the time.

She was drowning in it.

“Go talk to them,” she said. “Maybe you’ll all do better without me there. I’ll be outside.”

With that, she pushed around him and out the lobby doors into the cool night. She walked past the parking lot with its strung gas lanterns, and let the darkness envelop her. And out here under the cover of the blackness above her… she relaxed. She could breathe again.

Nastia closed her eyes, letting go of everything eating at her. She didn’t have to be affected by her circumstances. She didn’t need to shake and fight. All she needed to do was…
accept
it. Become what she was destined to be. A facilitator of the great darkness. A Magei of great power.

A tug at her skirt pulled her attention back to her surroundings. Newt scurried up, pausing at her belt as if asking permission.

“Hey there, little guy.”

He continued up to his favorite spot on her shoulder and settled there.

Nastia sighed. What she wouldn’t give to be a lizard right now. Small enough to sneak away without anyone watching. Insignificant enough that she wouldn’t have to battle her instincts.

Once again, the idea of becoming something,
anything
other than a Sorcera, sounded heavenly. Maybe it was time to give the undead spell a try. Except if it failed, there’d be no do-overs. She’d be dead. Gone.

“Oh, Newt. How much longer can I do this? Pretend I’m still good when I’m not?”

You
are
good
.

Nastia shook her head, the anger coming back full force. Because no, she wasn’t. Not anymore. The only good left inside her, was the pain that reminded her she loved. And how long would it remain?

The clicking in her mind returned, louder than it was in the dining room, and she squeezed her eyes closed in hopes of drowning it out. But instead it grew. Buzzing, murmuring. Tick tick tick.