Calmly, Carefully, Completely (11 page)

Pete

I try not to look at her all through dinner. She sits with her brother and her mother, and her dad isn’t here. Her mother motions with her hand for me to come and join them, but I shake my head and focus on my meal.

“Why aren’t you with Reagan?” Tic Tac asks as he sits down beside me.

I shrug my shoulders. I don’t even have the right words to describe it. “What’s your name, man?” I ask.

He smiles. “Edward.”

“People call you Eddie?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “Only one man ever called me Eddie, and I shot him when I caught him raping my little sister.” He avoids my gaze. “So I wouldn’t advise calling me that.” He grins. “Call me shithead or whatever else you want, but don’t call me Eddie.”

“Was he your dad?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “Just some man my mom married.” He looks off into the distance, as though he’s seeing something in his mind instead of what’s all around us. “I shot him,” he says. He makes that little
pfffttt
sound with his mouth like he did on the bus when he first spoke to me.

Wow. I don’t even know how to respond to that. “How’s your sister doing?” I ask. I think about Reagan and how I found her. And I don’t even want to know about his sister.

“She was only eleven,” he whispers. “Eleven fucking years old.”

I shouldn’t have judged this kid when I met him. “I’m so sorry,” I say.

“It pisses me off because he stole what she could have been, you know?”

I nod, but no, I don’t know.

“Does she live with your mom, now?” I ask.

“No,” he replies. “She’s in the system. My mom got arrested, too. Drugs, I think, right after it happened.” He shrugs. “She’s better off with a nice family.” His eyes get bright. “They said I can visit her when I get out. It’s only for an hour a time and I can’t be alone with her, but that’s all right. I just need to be sure she’s okay.”

I nod. “I don’t have any sisters.”

“Your girl, Reagan,” he says. He smiles. “She looks like she can take care of herself.”

“She can kick my ass.” It’s true.

“You think she’d teach me some of those karate moves?” he asks.

I grin. “You could ask her.”

“I wish somebody had taught my sister how to do some of that stuff.” He gets that faraway look again.

I’m not sure that would have changed her situation, but I nod anyway.

Edward gets up to throw his plate away and turns back to me. “When I get out, do you think I could come hang out with you and your brothers? Phil was telling me how you live close to me.”

I nod. “I don’t see why not.” I don’t know this kid, but I know he’s had a rough time of it, and it was no fault of his own. “We could shoot some hoops.”

He grins. “Okay.” He goes to change into a swimsuit. The youth boys all get the night off. They’re going to use the pool and just play around and be boys for the rest of the evening.

I concentrate on my dinner. Now that Edward’s not here, it’s easier to swallow. I don’t have any sisters, but I have a niece named Hayley, and I’m not the only Reed boy who would kill anyone who tried to hurt her. She’s five, and I haven’t seen her in a long time. Hell, she probably doesn’t even remember me. But I could walk out of here today and give my life for hers with no regrets.

The dining area starts to clear out, and I realize I must have been lamenting over Edward’s situation a little too long. Mr. Caster sits down across from me and rests his elbows on the table. He blows out a breath. “My daughter’s no longer talking to me.”

I don’t respond and shovel a spoonful of spaghetti into my mouth so I’ll have an excuse not to.

“Apparently, she likes you a lot.”

I take a bite of bread. I still don’t speak. The food is hard to swallow.

“Her mom’s not speaking to me, either,” he says. He grins a sideways smile. “I kind of like having sex with my wife, so I figured I better come over and clear the air.”

I choke on my spaghetti. I look up at him as I try to catch my breath, coughing into my closed fist.

“Women have ways of getting what they want, Pete,” he says. “And my wife wants Reagan to make her own choices.” He inhales and exhales deeply. “I guess you’re her choice.” He jabs a finger at me. “But if you hurt her, so help you God, I will hunt you down and do things to you that can’t even imagine.”

“Yes, sir,” I squeak out. I clear my throat. “I just met her,” I remind him.

He shakes his head. “She’s known you in her head for two and a half years, son. You didn’t just meet her. You became her hero the night you took care of her. Now, how much of that is in her head and her head alone remains to be seen. But she feels a connection to you, and you’re the only one she’s ever let in. So, you’re in, with my blessing.”

I grin. “Thank you, sir.”

I look over to where Reagan’s sitting, but she’s not looking at me. She’s looking at the table. I take the last bite of my food and get ready to go to her. But by the time I get there, she’s already getting up and walking away. “Reagan,” I call to her.

She heaves a sigh and turns toward me. She kicks at a rock with the toe of her flip-flop. “Can I see you later?” I ask.

“Why?” she asks. She doesn’t look me in the eye.

“Oh, good grief,” I mutter.

Her gaze shoots up to meet mine. “Beg your pardon?” she asks.

Her back pocket rings, and she pulls her phone out, looking down at the screen. I see the name
Chase
before she lifts it to her ear and says hello. She holds up a finger to tell me to wait.

I grit my teeth and wait. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Chase,” she finally says. She’s quiet, but I hear her.

She’s going out with him? Seriously? I know I told her to, but… God.  I fucked up.

“What did you need?” she asks as she sticks her phone back into her back pocket.

I feel like she just punched me in the gut. I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do. “You’re going out with that asshole?” I ask.

She inhales deeply with her eyes closed, as if she’s fortifying herself before she speaks. “You told me to go out with him, Pete,” she says.

I nod. “I did.” She’s right. I’m an idiot. “Do you plan to listen to everything I say?”

She rolls her eyes at me. I’ve never seen anyone roll her eyes and look quite so damn adorable. I grin. I can’t help it.

“What’s so amusing?” she asks, punching her fists into her hips as she glares at me.

“This is so fucked up,” I mutter, more to myself than to her.

But she hears me, and she’s hurt. I can see it on her face.

“I didn’t mean you,” I say.

She cocks her head to the side, her eyes narrowing at me. “Then what did you mean, Pete?”

“I meant this situation.” I gesture from me to her and back again. “This whole thing exists on awful timing.”

She goes to throw her plate in the trash, and I follow her. She stops and spins toward me really quickly and bumps into my chest. She steps back when I reach out to steady her. She smiles and shakes her head. “This really is fucked up,” she says. She lets out a little laugh.

“So, Chase is the man, huh?” I say. I’m a dummy. I know.

“He’s some guy I have to go on a date with,” she says. She blows her bangs back from her forehead with an upturned breath.

“Can you get out of it?” I ask. Hope blooms inside me.

She shakes her head. “I tried to get out of it, but you told me not to,” she reminds me.

“I was angry. I’m sorry.” If there’s one thing I can do well,
it’s apologize. “Your father was pretty much telling you I’m not good enough for you, and for a minute there, I agreed with him.” This time, it’s me who plays with a rock with my toe. I’m afraid of what I’ll see if I look at her.

“I want to try something with you,” she says quietly. She steps close, so close I can feel her breath against my shirt. It’s warm and moist. My heart starts to thud. “Can I touch you?” she asks. She lays a hand on my stomach.

“Yes, please,” I croak. I clear my throat, and she laughs.

Her other hand comes up to lie beside the first, and then one hand goes east while the other goes west, until her hands wrap around my back. She locks her hands behind me and lays her face against my shirt. She nuzzles her cheek
into my left pectoral muscle. “Hug me back,” she says quietly.

I wrap my arms around her, careful to squeeze her soft and slow, calmly and carefully. She exhales heavily, and I rest my chin on top of her head. In that second, I know my heart is hers. I tell myself she’s only taking a little piece, but that’s a fucking lie. She’ll have the whole thing by the time I go back to New York. She undoes me with her simple affection. And I don’t know how to behave, so I just hold her. I hold her and let her breathe while I drink in the feel of her. I want to tip her face up and press my lips to hers, but I’m not sure that would be any more fulfilling than this pregnant silence is. It’s full of possibility. For me, it’s full of longing, and something entirely different for her, probably. I open my eyes and look up. Her mother is standing there with her mouth hanging open. She slams it shut and smiles at me, giving me a thumbs-up. I grin. I can’t help it.

I lay my hand on the back of Reagan’s head and stroke down the length of her hair. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to touch you,” I say quietly.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to be touched,” she says. I can feel the words against my chest, ripe with longing.

She inhales deeply and loosens her clutch on my midsection. Cool air wafts in where her warmth was, and I want to pull her back to me. “I’ll see you later, Pete,” she says.

“You all right?” I ask.

“Honestly, I’m a little overwhelmed, and I have some things to think about.” She looks up at me, but her eyes are clouded by something I don’t understand. “I need some time to myself.”

I nod. I don’t know why. “Can I do anything for you?” I ask. I tuck her hair behind her ear.

She shakes her head. “I don’t think so. I’m going to take a break.”

She pats my chest with a quick good-bye tap, and then she walks away. She goes inside the house, and she doesn’t come back out. She doesn’t come back out to lifeguard for the youth group at the pool. She doesn’t come back out to roast marshmallows. She doesn’t come back out to check on her horse. She doesn’t come out the next morning to start events with the campers. She doesn’t come outside again at all until the next night, when a neon-yellow Mustang pulls into the drive. Chase Gerald gets out and goes to get my girl. Then she finally comes out.
On his fucking arm.

Reagan

I needed some time to get my head on straight. It’s still a little crooked, but it feels a little better than it did. I slide my jeweled sandals onto my feet and tug at the length of my dress. I don’t usually wear dresses, but this night is fancy. It’s a country club dinner; it’s not black tie, but it’s really dressy. I’m wearing a sheath dress that wraps and ties at my hip.
It’s kind of clingy but not in a bad way. I turn and look at my butt in the mirror. I look all right. I arrange my hair in an updo, so that it’s wrapped up and off my neck with little tendrils hanging down. I line my eyes with light eyeliner and mascara and apply some blush. I’ve been in the sun all summer, so I’m sure I don’t need foundation.

A knock sounds at my door, and my mom sticks her head in. She’s wiping her hands on a kitchen towel as she comes through the door. She whistles at me. “Don’t you look nice,” she says, nodding in appreciation. She walks over to my jewelry box and flips it open. “You want to wear Grandma’s pendant with that?” she asks. I hadn’t even thought about jewelry.

I turn around, and she puts the necklace around my neck. I lean over and let it dangle. I slide on some clanky bracelets and push them up my arm. They’ll fall in a second, but they look nice.

I hold my hands out to the side. “Do I look like a normal girl?” I ask.

Her face softens. “Honey, you are a normal girl,” she says softly. She narrows her eyes at me. “Why are you going on this date?” she asks.

“Because I couldn’t get out of it,” I admit. “And now I don’t want to let Chase down.”

She shakes her head. “He’s not the one for you, is he?” she asks.

I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve never given him enough of a chance to find out.”

She doesn’t say anything. My mom is good like that. She’s quiet when the situation calls for quiet, and she has a lot to say when the situation calls for that, too. “Your dad shouldn’t have pushed this date.”

I shake my head. “What if he’s right? What if Chase is the one for me? I won’t know until I find out.” I heave a sigh.

“The heart wants what the heart wants, Reagan,” she says.

I laugh, but there’s no humor in the sound. “What does that mean, exactly?”

“I think you already know what it means.” She sits on the edge of my bed. “This Pete,” she says. “You trust him, right?”

“About as much as I can trust anyone I met three days ago,” I say flippantly. But Pete’s more than that, and I know it.

“Your heart has known him for a very long time,” she says.

“My heart doesn’t work like everyone else’s heart,” I bite out. “I can’t trust it to lead me
anywhere
.”

“Oh, Reagan,” she breathes softly. “I fucking hate that man for doing this to you. It’s been over two years and you still don’t trust yourself to move on with your life. It’s like you’re stuck in that moment when he hurt you.”

“You don’t know what it feels like, Mom,” I say quietly in warning. She can’t talk about this. She hasn’t experienced it.

“Did you know that one in five college-age girls will be raped during her college career?” she asks. “One in five, Reagan!” she cries.

“And?” I say. “Life goes on, is that what you’re saying?” I ask. My life didn’t go on. I got stuck in that moment. Until Pete. “Pete makes me want things that scare me,” I admit.

“That’s what love is about, Reagan. It’s thrilling and scary as hell and it makes your heart pound and it makes your insides ache.” She stops and glares at me. “Those feelings are normal. What’s not normal is what happened to you and how you closed yourself off to protect your heart.”

“Well, my heart is officially in danger,” I say drolly.

“So is his,” she reminds me.

Not once in all of this have I stopped to consider Pete’s feelings about our burgeoning relationship. I’ve considered my fears. I’ve considered my feelings. I’ve considered my needs and wants. But I haven’t really considered his. What if he hasn’t kissed me because he’s afraid I’ll damage him? What if he doesn’t want me the same way? What if he does want me but he’s afraid to touch me because I’ll go crazy on him? What if? What if? What if? “Pete’s heart is good and kind,” I say. “That’s all I know about it.”

She smiles. “That’s a start.”

My dad yells for me from the bottom of the steps. “Reagan!” he calls. “Chase is here!”

Mom stands up. “Trust your heart, Reagan,” she says. She kisses me on the forehead and walks down in front of me. At the bottom of the stairs, I see Chase looking up at me. His green eyes aren’t the ones I want to see, but I need to try, right? I need to give this a shot.

“Hi, Chase,” I chirp.

“Reagan,” he says.
He’s all smiles. He swivels his hips. “You ready for some dancing?”

“Of course,” I say with a smile. “Sounds like fun.”

I take his arm as we walk out. He opens the door of his obnoxious yellow car, and I slide inside. His gaze roams up my thigh where my dress shifts, and I pull it down. He grins and closes the door. Then he slides into the driver’s seat and peels out of the driveway, slinging rocks in our wake.