Chasing After Infinity (14 page)

“Nothing.
There’s nothing to be scared about in this world.”

“Also, no regrets?
No pain?”

“The only time I regretted something was when I drank a fifty oz. tonic.” He snorts. “I puked for ages afterwards.”

“Well,
I
personally don’t have any regrets,” I answer, but while I’m saying it, the memory tumbles onto me.
Me
, coming home after a late night, reeking of alcohol and booze, still a bit high. I stepped through the door, expecting my dad to rage at me for breaking the curfew once more but the room was just darkness. I turned on the lights to find my mom lying collapsed on the couch, half-unconscious. I tried to find her pulse but it was just so faint. Like a baby’s just moments after it was born. That was before she was sent to the hospital for a relapse.

I’m so engrossed in that memory that I almost forget that I’m in the car.

There’s silence then. I concentrate on the soft ping-pings of the steady raindrops hitting the roof.

I feel my walls, so sturdy and firm before, starting to crumble as Adrian starts to lean into me, his eyes at half-mast. “
Wh
-
what are you doing?” I say as his head falls onto my shoulder. I try to move away but then my hand accidentally brushes his forehead.

He’s burning up. His skin feels hot to the touch. “Oh, crap,” I whisper to myself and use my other hand to rummage in the car drawer to find some emergency Tylenol. I wrap my sweater around him and he shudders. He’s been out under the rain for too long.

Adrian starts shaking and I wrap my arms around him, moving closer to him, holding him. He’s still and rigid in my arms but soon, he relaxes.

His eyelids are shut peacefully and the hollows and sharp angles of his cheeks are softened. But even while asleep, there’s no air of innocence about him.

I study the contours of his face, the car light above us casting a warm glow over his face. There’s still rain left over on his lashes and there’s something that jerks in me. I’ve never gotten to see this side of him—the exposed side.

His chill is seeping into me, his jacket is soaked through. Grabbing the edge of my large sweater, I pull it up and wrap it around the both of us. My body eventually starts to warm up, warming his too, slowing his shaking.

Then my arm hits the dashboard and Adrian’s eyes open. He blinks at me. And in a second, a lucid second, his head starts to move closer to mine. I should pull away this second but I’m rooted to the seat. I sit there, watching his lips get closer, slowly forgetting to breathe.

His mouth grazes softly against my cheekbone, right under the bruise that I’ve got from Graham. My eyes slide close and the world tilts at an angle. My lips part slightly and for a second, it’s just too much.

I force myself to move away. This is crazy.

His eyes are half-lidded and he whispers, “Why do you keep on pushing me away?”

The rain’s still trailing down the window. My breath is hitching.

He tilts his head ever so slightly and kisses me. And in that moment with the rain pounding down all around us and the thunder rumbling ominously in the distance, it seems surreal. He gently kisses me at first but as I open my mouth beneath his, he deepens the kiss. I’m forgetting the storm, my head swimming. He backs me up against my car seat and it’s like all my thoughts are floating off. I’m kissing him back with fiery urgency, wrapping my arms around his neck and
pressing against his lips, feverish. Our tongues parry in a dance of rash desire. I fist his wet hair and draw him closer to me, exhaling.

I’m filled with heat as our bodies meld together, my sweater falling off our laps. Heat rolls over us, an infernal of raw emotions.

I start shaking, shaken by the feeling. I feel lightheaded as I pull back.

Adrian’s breathing starts to become even and in his eyes, I see fervour.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Then, somewhere, in the back corner of my mind, I know that this is oddly inevitable.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
“
Avena
--” His voice is raw.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
“Wait…I just need a moment…to think.” I sit dumbly back.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
“You don’t need to think.”

“Yes, I do.”

He falls silent and turns to look out the window. “The storm’s clearing up.” Following his eyes, I see the angry gray clouds retreating from the winter sky, the rain slowing to a drizzle. The car window is slightly foggy with our breathing.

I try the rev the car engine again and it sputters for a moment.
Then falls dead.
I turn the key again and this time, the car’s engine begins to rumble and the Corolla comes to life. I breathe a sigh of relief.

“Let’s go.”

I speed out of the beach parking lot, my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. I don’t have the courage to look at him beside me. But when I do slide a glance at him, he’s leaning against the seat, eyes closed.

The sun peeks out from underneath a layer of clouds, its rays breaking my icy indifference. The open road ahead of us stretches out and rain mists wafts into the windshield.

“Before…” Arian starts, his voice smoky. “Before didn’t mean anything.”

There’s a pause. “I know,” I say.

 
Ψ
Ψ
Ψ
 

When I get to school the next morning, the halls are crowded and dense with students coming and going, dragging me along like a whirlpool. Before I can go into my first class, a group of guys step in front of me, Graham being the leader as he fixes me with a deep stoner sneer. His bloodshot brown eyes are spiteful. His cheek is still red from where the lasagne burned him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He calls out, crowing as I try to walk past him but he corners me to the side.

“Get your paws off me,” I hiss.

“I haven’t forgotten,” he whispers, his breath hot and slightly acidic. He points to his flaming face. “This isn’t over, little bitch.”

I get a rush of fury. I lean forward so that I whisper back, “You don’t deserve Kara or a steaming pile of shit, you know?”

His face becomes redder and his friends practically have to restrain him from descending on me. Then all of a sudden, his anger cools and there’s only a leer left on his lips. “I heard that you’re a good time. Maybe if I’d made a play for you earlier, you’d probably even let me take you for a ride.”

This time, my face burns. “I’d never go for your crappy type.”

He unbuttons his jean fly and laughs at my look. “Oh, you won’t? They tell me that you’d be up for it anytime, anyone.”

I spit in his direction.

A cackle.
He flips open his phone and scrolls down with his fingers until he reaches whatever he wants and shows the screen to me. There, I see a girl splayed across a creamy linen bed, her hair fanned out on the sheets, her eyes closed, wearing nothing but a white bra.

“Give me that!” I snarl, wanting to crush him, to hurt him to get to that picture. He just wrestles me away, holding his cellphone above my head.

“My man, Brent sent this to me after you guys were ‘on vacation’,” Graham says, waggling his eyebrows.

My cheeks burn in anger as I realize what he’s doing.
“Delete it.”

He casually spins his cellphone away. “Oh?” He hits some keys and smiles. “Too bad I just sent the picture to the senior student body.”

“No, you didn’t,” I say, grabbing for it, fury pumping in my veins.

He shows me the screen where it says SENT and all of the recipients are seen. I feel my eyes flash.
“You son of a bitch!”
I cry out, bringing my hand to slap him. The loud slap is audible and he’s shocked, a hand pressed against his own pulsing cheek. A crowd of around ten people have already stopped and stared and he looks around furiously at everyone looking at him.

“You better watch out, you little whore,” he grates out. His eyes throw daggers at me as he turns and slinks off with everyone whispering around us.

I stagger into my bio lab, pushing through the throng of students gathered, talking in hushed voices, and glancing pointedly at me. “Get out of my way,” I snap to one guy who’s standing in my path and he moves nervously.

Throughout class and doing experiments, I can feel the heat of my classmates’ eyes on me and I can hear the occasional words. “Did you see the
pics
up…?” “Shameless…”
“Slut!”

I can feel one of the guys, Matt Andres openly gawking at me so I fix him with a glare and say, “What? What the hell do you want?”

Of course, the teacher sends me out of the class and I feel relieved once the fresh air filled with not frog dissection stink but fresh lilac hits me. I walk down the study hall, passing a few groups quizzing each other.

Suddenly, I feel someone behind me and they pull me to a secluded corner, their breath on my neck.

I spin around, expecting Graham again but it’s Adrian. He leans over me, his arms trapping me, on either side of my head. His eyes are a dark stormy green, jolting me back to the scene in the car.
Us kissing, lips licking and biting, our breaths forming fog.
I push that image away, getting a hold of myself.

“What—
What
are you doing?” I demand, trying to push myself out.

“You answer me,” he says, his words salty and rough.

I struggle to get out. “Seriously--”

“I saw the pictures.”

I don’t respond, my mind dizzy. “What pictures?” I try to reply calmly.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Shaking my head, I close my eyes.

“Are you a whore like they say you are?” His words press into me like his body is pressing into mine. His hands are still trapping me and in that moment, I feel ensnared like a hunted down animal. Anger tears through me. He doesn’t believe me.

“So what if I am?” I taunt him. “What’s so wrong with that? Aren’t you also the universal player? You’d sleep with any girl who’s willing.”

His expression changes into something indecipherable, releasing me. He looks away as if he can’t bear to look at my face anymore.

“Okay,” he says in a soft voice. “So be it.”

I swallow and feel his warmth fade as he steps away, his hands falling to his sides.

“So be it.” The words fall from my lips too as I watch him go.

chapter
twelve

AVENA

I try to fade into the background at school but it’s not working. As I open my locker, a crumpled up note with the crude block-lettered word SLUT falls out, the word both intimidating and familiar. I use my fingers to shed the paper into uneven pieces, then confetti. Even though the rumour of Jenna Williams giving hand jobs to the varsity volleyball team behind the bleachers is overshadowing the internet and phone whirl of my pictures, I’m still being targeted.

I slam my locker shut. I’ve been through this kind of ostracizing before. I wasn’t afraid of them anymore.

I bump into Hayden on my way to world history and he looks dead pissed. “I’m going to kill Graham Michaels.”