Chasing Clovers (22 page)

"
You have no idea what you're talkin' about."

"
Sure Boss, I have no clue."

"
Why the hell would I be jealous?" He raked his own spoon through the white oatmeal on his plate. The texture made his stomach turn.

"
Oh, I don't know. Could it be the fact that your soon-to-be-wife is quite pretty?" Clive teased.

"
You're a damn fool."

"
I don't think so, John."

"
You don't know what you're talkin' about."

"
She is quite fetching. Any man with eyes can see that."

"
Well, I didn't ask you." He dropped his spoon in his oatmeal splattering the white goo all over his shirt. "Damn it." He picked the oatmeal off of his chest and sleeve.

"
You didn't have to. I can see it on your face."

He
glared at his friend.

"
You have feelings for her," Clive confirmed.

He narrowed his eyes at the other man.

Clive smiled.

"
So what if I do? She is going to be my wife." He clenched his jaw.

"
Yup, she is."

"
I should like her."

"
Never said you only liked her."

"
So now you're a damn fortune teller?" he growled, getting angrier by the minute at his foreman's insinuations.

"
Don't have to be. I see the way you look at her."

"
Is that so?" He leaned in, pretending to be enthralled with what Clive was saying. "Do tell more."

"
Make fun all you want, but you'll admit it soon enough."

"
Don't hold your breath."

"
Stop holding yours, John."Clive picked up his plate and stood. "Let nature take its course."

He
watched Clive leave the bunkhouse. He followed his friend out the door. He wasn't ready to end their conversation. "What makes you the expert?" he called after him. "You've never even been married."

Clive stopped half way to the corrals and spun around to face him. "I was married once," he said, his voice low.

Stunned that he never knew, that his foreman had never told him, John stood frozen. "When?"

"
In Montana, before I came back here to work for you."

"
What happened?" His anger gone, he moved closer to his friend. The cattle in the nearby pen stood staring at them as if eavesdropping on their conversation.

Clive shrugged

"
She left."

"
Why?"

"
Didn't like bein' married to a farmer." He picked up a bucket, dipped it into a barrel of feed, and dumped it into the pen for the cows.

I
'm a damn idiot. The worst kind of friend.
"How come you never told me?"

The metal tin still in his hand, Clive's eyes turned sad and withdrawn. "You had just lost Becky, and I couldn't even talk about it without breaking down."

"
Do you still love her?"

Clive was silent for a moment before he dropped the bucket back into the feed barrel. He took off his hat and ran his arm across his forehead.

"
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, if that answers your question."

"
Why didn't you go after her?"

His lips fo
rmed a thin line and opened a little. "I did. A few months later. I begged her. Pleaded with her. Made a damn fool of myself too when I found out she was engaged to another man."

"
What?"

"
Yeah. She came from a wealthy family," he said shrugging. "Her parents never liked me, and once she came back they were quick on marrying her off to one of the richest men in the city."

"
Didn't she love you?" John asked, still shocked that he hadn't known any of this.

"
Said she did, but the money was more important to her I guess." Clive kicked at the dirt on the ground.

"
I'm sorry, Clive." And he meant it. The man was his best friend, had always been there for him, and he hated to see the anguish in his eyes.

"
It's over and done with John."

He was silent.

"
I can't change the past."

"
Isn't that the truth," he agreed, patting his friend on the back.

"
Aren't we two of the sorriest fools around?" Clive said.

"
That we are, old friend. That we are."

After Livy had cleaned up the dishes from dinner, she went into the sitting room where John was about to read to the children. Taking a seat on the sofa next to Ben, she listened to John's deep voice as he began the story of David and Goliath. Reluctant to stay―she hadn't much faith in the bible―she couldn't find it in her heart to get up and leave when Ben snuggled up close to her.

The story was quite fascinating. S
he couldn't help but be enthralled by the enormous giant and little David, wondering the whole time if the boy was going to die. She and the children went into fits of laughter when John used different voices for every character, making Goliath sound like a loud, mean man and David a soft, timid boy. He was quite the storyteller, and when he glanced up at her and smiled, she felt her heart expand with joy.

The kerosene lamp cast shadows danci
ng on the walls around the cramped room. She was content, and hadn't felt this way since Emma had been born. Placing her arm around Ben, she hugged him close to her, relishing in the comfort the child offered. Soon he was snoring, fast asleep nestled into her.

He
closed the Bible, and whispered, "I think it's time for these two to go to bed." Emily was fast asleep in his arms as well.

"
Yes, I think so."

Cradling Emily, John eased up and out of his chair.

"
I'll be right back to get Ben," he said.

She no longer needed the crutch, but since she was still healing she couldn't risk carrying Ben upstairs. Pulling the boy into her, she inhaled, taking pleasure in the few moments she had alone with him. He came back to gather Ben from Livy's arms. As he leaned in close to her, their eyes met. He inched closer as if to kiss her, and she couldn't help but lean forward.

"
Miss Livy?" The child murmured.

She lowered
her eyes from John's gaze. "I'm here Ben," she said softly, as she rubbed his back.

"
Can you tuck me in with Pa?" he asked half asleep.

Touched that he had wanted her to help put him to bed, she couldn't say no. "If that's all right with your Pa."

John
's eyes were soft as they peered into hers. "I think that'd be fine."

He smiled.

"
I'll turn down the lamp and be right up," she whispered.

Because of her leg, it seemed like it took forever for her to climb the stairs. Almost out of breath when she
arrived at Ben's room, she could hear him snoring softly, snuggled deep inside his covers.

John held his finger up to his mouth. "Shush."

She
crept over to Ben's bed to wish him goodnight. Rolling over, his eyes closed, Ben mumbled, "Night…Mama."

Her hand went to her chest
and her eyes misted with tears. She bent and kissed him on his forehead. "Goodnight, Ben," she whispered back.

John was still s
tanding in the doorway when she passed by him to leave. His dark eyes void of any emotion, stared past her.

She tipped her head as she passed him.
"Goodnight, John."

"
Goodnight, Livy," he said, his voice barley louder than a whisper.

She went straight to her room and closed the door. Leaning against the wall, she took a deep breath. She had never heard those words before, had never felt the overwhelming joy she felt now hearing them for the first time. Unsure if Ben had called
her
Mama, or if he'd been dreaming of his mother, she realized that she didn't care.

She had dreamed of Emma calling her Mama, but her child hadn
't grown old enough to talk, taken away from her before she could hear those precious words. But she wasn't angry that they had come from someone else. From a little boy who missed his mother very much. A little boy she had come to care deeply for, and who without any other reason but pure innocence, had said the word she would hold dear to her heart.

Ben and Emily had somehow nestled themselves deep into the corners of her soul, forcing her to love again, care again
―something she thought would never happen. They were a gift. She could see that now. A second chance she was lucky to have. The thought of caring for another person, much less two, frightened her to no end. But without them she'd be lost.

Vowing not to waste another minute feeling sorry
, or dwelling on the things she couldn't change, Livy instead decided to act like the mother the two little darlings deserved.

John lay in his bed, thinking of Ben. He knew his son missed his wife something fierce and longed for a mother's touch. But he had no idea that Ben would take to Livy as quickly as he had. This caught him off guard, and brought to surface feelings he hadn't realized were still there. He had been so consumed with the guilt of betraying Becky that he hadn't even thought about his children, or how they would react when he brought another woman into the house to take their mother's place.

He
blew out an exasperated breath.
What did you think would happen?
She was offish and cold at first, but over the last few weeks she had come around, opening up to him about her breathing attacks and her mother. He had come to care for her, so why wouldn't his own children?

When she bent and kissed Ben's forehead, he was so overcome with emotion he almost broke down right there. Seeing his son cling to another woman hadn't affected him the way he thought it would. Instead of feeling guilty, he was relieved. He wanted this after all. Someone to watch over his children if something happened to him. Someone to love them and care for them. And Livy had filled that position, proving to him that she cared for his kids almost as much as he did.

Rolling over on his bed, he stared out the window. There were no clouds in the sky, and the stars sparkled against the black night, winking at him. His thoughts strayed to Livy. Her smile, the way her eyebrows scrunched up when she was confused, and her beautiful shamrock colored eyes full of sorrow and pain as they stared up at him. Yes, he cared for her. He guessed he always had. He'd been jealous this morning when the sheriff brought her flowers. He wanted to be the one who made her face light up with joy.

Can I be happy again? Am I able to live the rest of my day
's content with Livy in my life?
He ran his hand through his hair. "
I don't know
."

CHAPTER TWENTY

Humming cheerfully, Livy dusted the furniture in the sitting room. The damp cloth skimmed the edges of John's books, wiping them clean. Breakfast with John and the children had been wonderful. Ben and Emily giggled at the silly faces their Pa made at them across the table, and she participated in their cheer, laughing along with them. They were becoming a family, and John even bent to give her a quick kiss on the cheek before he headed out to work.

Her life had begun to change. She no longer walked around angry and depressed, lost in her own misery, snapping at or casting judgment on thos
e around her. She felt content—safe. And she found each day easier than the one before it.

Although still waking with dreams of Emma, her guilt over the death of her daughter would forever torment her,
she had accepted the truth that Emma was gone. She missed her baby and always would. The pain in her heart was a dull ache that never went away, but John's family had somehow made her days peaceful, comfortable.

Her breat
hing attacks had almost stopped, and she thanked Ben and Emily for that. They kept her so busy that whenever Emma's face appeared in her mind, and a breathing attack was about to start, she would be whisked away to help them with a game, or to push Emily on the swing, and she'd forget all about her short breaths and tight chest.

Ben and Emily had been helping her heal, and
she was grateful to the pair. As the days passed, the three of them grew closer, and she wanted to be a part of their lives. She wanted to help Ben with his reading, and to sing with Emily. She wanted to laugh with them and to cry with them. For it to be her arms they'd run to when they were scared or hurt.