Crazy Little Thing (24 page)

The Tribunal

Claire
sat on her bed with her computer balanced on her lap. Ollie stood at the end of
the bed, close enough for support, but far enough away that Scarlet wouldn’t be
able to see her through the computer’s webcam. Over in the corner of the room,
EZ and G-Ray had the video camera set up on a tripod and were standing off to
one side.

Claire
dialed and within seconds Scarlet’s face loomed large on the screen. There was
a big crack running down the middle of it from where it had shattered.

Scarlet
was all toothy smiles and obviously had no clue what was about to happen. “Hi,
baby. Did you get my flowers?”

“I
did,” Claire said, coldly.

“Do
you like them?” Scarlet asked. She continued without waiting for an answer,
“You don’t know how much those cost. Iowa commits highway robbery on roses this
time of year. But I don’t care. You’re worth every penny.”

Claire
crossed her arms and demanded, “Who is she?”

Ollie
recognized that tone. It meant Claire’s fuse was lit and she was about three
seconds away from exploding. Standing next to her felt like holding a lit
firecracker in your hand.

“Who
is who?” Scarlet asked super-innocently.

“Oh,
don’t play innocent with me,” Claire uttered between clenched teeth.

“What
are you talking about?” Scarlet said.

“I
saw the emails. You’ve been having an affair the whole time I’ve been gone,”
Claire said.

“What?
What email? What affair?” Scarlet stuttered.

Ollie
sat down next to Claire and glared at Scarlet. “How could you be so stupid? You
didn’t even try to hide it.”

“What’s
she
doing there?” Scarlet asked. “And for the record why were you
reading my personal email account? What’re you doing violating my privacy?”

“How
about you violating my sacred trust? How about that?” Claire said.

“Yeah,
how about that?” Ollie echoed.

“Get
her out of here, Claire. This is between us,” Scarlet said.

“We’re
here for moral support,” Ollie said.

“We?”
Scarlet squinted one eye. “Are you videotaping this?”

Ollie
held her chin high and said, “I most certainly am. This is a tribunal and will
be part of the film and it doesn’t shine a very favorable light on you, I can
tell you that.”

Scarlet
re-focused on Claire and tried another tactic. “Listen, baby. Monica doesn’t
mean anything. I was just lonely and she was there. If you had been here it
wouldn’t have happened. We didn’t have sex. I swear it. We went out to dinner
and kissed that’s all.”

“I’m
not buying it,” Claire said.

“I’m
not buying it either,” Ollie said.

“But
I swear, Claire. I felt so bad afterwards. I hate myself for kissing her.
Besides she’s not as pretty or smart as you are. And you kiss better. She’s a
teeth clanker. I didn’t enjoy it. I’m so sorry.” Scarlet started to cry.

“You’re
disgusting,” Ollie said. “And you’re an ugly crier.”

Scarlet
ignored her. “We went out for drinks to talk about work, and then when I
dropped her off, she leaned over and kissed me. She thinks it’s more but I
swear it’s not. She doesn’t work for the firm. She’s a temp. I can get rid of
her. I will get rid of her. I promise.”

“You
fucked a temp. That’s even worse. This Monica doesn’t even have a permanent
job.” Ollie said.

“For
your information, Ollie, she’s going to law school and needed the work to help
finance her education,” Scarlet said indignantly.

“So
now you’re defending her?” Ollie said.

“Ollie,
be quiet for a minute,” Claire said. “Scarlet, tell me the truth, do you swear
you’ve never done this before?”

“When
would I have time? This is the first time we’ve been apart,” Scarlet answered.

“Oh,
so you didn’t have time to fit an affair in before this. But once Claire is
away for a few days, you find the time?” Ollie demanded to know.

“Ollie,
please,” Claire said. “Let me handle this.”

“Don’t
put words in my mouth, Ollie,” Scarlet said.

“If
the foo shits, wear it,” Ollie snarled.

“What’s
a foo?” Scarlet said.

“You
know what I meant,” Ollie snapped. “When I get mad my words get tangled up.”

“Ollie,
please, stop talking. I need to make sense of this,” Claire said. She put her
hands over her ears.

“Yes,
Ollie, please, stop talking. In fact, why don’t you go away? This is between me
and my future wife,” Scarlet said.

Ollie
glared at Scarlet. “It is also between me and my present wife whom I promised
to love, honor and cherish. I’m not handing her over to a Cheater Cheater,
pumpkin eater.”

Scarlet
laughed derisively. “I think you meant to say Peter.”

“Peter
eater?” Ollie said.

“No,
stupid. The nursery rhyme goes Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater. Not Cheater,
Cheater, Pumpkin Eater,” Scarlet said.

“I
know that!” Ollie yelled. “That was my point. It was a play on words. That
you’re obviously too dense to comprehend.”

Claire
yelled, “Shut up! The two of you just shut up!”

Everyone
grew quiet.

Claire
took a deep breath and said, “We need a time out here. Scarlet, I need time to
think. I’ll get back to you.”

“What?
But wait, baby, I…” Scarlet squeaked as Claire shut the lid on the computer.

Ollie
stood and paced back and forth. Claire was quiet for a long time then she said,
“I think she’s telling the truth.”

“I
think she’s full of shit,” Ollie said.

“And
I think your opinion is skewed by anger,” Claire said.

“That’s
only because I care,” Ollie grumbled. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I
know that, Ollie. But Scarlet and I have built a life and a future together. Do
I throw all that away over a minor dalliance? A kiss she didn’t even enjoy? I
don’t think she’ll do it again. Look how terrible she felt.”

“You’ve
got to be fucking kidding me,” Ollie said. Her face was hot. “You’re going to
let her get away with this?”

Claire
looked at her toes, the floor, the wall, anywhere but at Ollie. “We have
monogrammed napkins and gold-embossed invitations. The cake is ordered. The
hotel is booked. We’re going to Brussels for our honeymoon. It’s already paid
for.”

Ollie
stood there and stared at her. “What sort of world are you living in? One
minute you’re selling your car and talking about finding the new you that’s
living in the now and the next moment you’re willing to overlook a cheating
fiance because you’ve already spent money on a cake. Well, you can’t have your
cake and eat it, too, Claire.” Ollie strode to the door, opened it and slowly
turned back to face Claire. “I don’t know why I said that about the cake. It
doesn’t make sense. But it makes about as much sense as you do.”

She
walked out the door. Then turned back for one last word, “I hope you and
Scarlet have a happy life. You deserve each other.”

She
shut the door between them.

Claire
burst into tears.

Squirrel In A
Box

One
whole week went by with Ollie and Claire tip-toeing around each other. They
were polite, but nothing more. Finally, Ollie couldn’t stand being in the house
all day and went to Sleepy Hollow and applied for a job. To her surprise, she
was hired on the spot. Maybe it was because G-Ray hired her. He had gone out
the week before and got hired as the manager of the rental shop. So, now G-Ray
was Ollie’s boss.

Ollie
thought it was it was weird taking orders from G-Ray, but it was turning out
okay. At least it was better than being stuck inside a house that felt like a
tomb.

“Dood,
that is so totally wrong,” G-Ray said. He was helping her tune the snowboards
that had come in over the weekend. The renters were hard on the equipment,
mostly because they didn’t know what they were doing yet and tended to run over
things like scrub brush, rocks, and each other.

“I
know, right? How can she possibly stay with that woman?” Ollie asked as she ran
a file over the edge of a Lamar snowboard.

“Because
she’s afraid of being alone and she’s embarrassed and she doesn’t realize you
love her.”

“How
can she not know that I love her?” Ollie said, taking P-Tex and filling in a
long deep gash on the bottom of a board. It looked like Freddie Krueger had
taken it for a ride.

“Well,
did you ever tell her?” G-Ray said as he scraped excess wax off a board.

“Well,
yeah, back in the day. Not lately.”

“And
why not?”

“Because
it seemed inappropriate,” Ollie said.

“I
don’t think love is ever inappropriate,” G-Ray said. “Love is a very powerful
agent in the universe. It produces a whole host of chemicals in the human body
which is why there is the term ‘crazy in love.’”

“What’s
that have to do with anything?”

“It
explains why Claire keeps looking past Scarlet’s obvious faults—control freak,
philanderer…”

“Bitch,”
Ollie interrupted.

G-Ray
laughed. “She’s a total bitch, all right.”

“Speaking
of love, how’s it going with Begonia?” Ollie asked.

“Far
out,” G-Ray said. “She has me meditating every morning, man. It’s to control my
tocks. She thinks my tocks talking is just my way of my subconscious desires
making themselves known. My tocks are really my inner desires. And once I calm
my mind through meditation, my tocks won’t have to talk to me.”

“Is
the meditation working?”

“My
mind is not a quiet creature. But I’m trying. I totally envision the waves on
the beach which works okay until my brain realizes what’s happening and then it
feels like a squirrel trapped in a box.”

Ollie
laughed.

“I
prefer tantric sex over meditation. You should try it. But prepare to have your
mind totally blown,” he said, putting the final buff on his wax job.

“Claire’s
never going to let me get that close,” Ollie said, scraping away the excess

P-Tex.

“I
wasn’t talking about Claire. You could hook up with somebody else,” G-Ray said.

“Like
who?”

“Dood,
that chick Delilah that works Lift Two has a total boner for you,” G-Ray said.

“Boner?
Are you sure she’s a girl?”

“Girls
can have boners too,” G-Ray said. “They’re called lady boners.”

Ollie
laughed. “Anyone with a name like that is bound to be dangerous. Her biblical
namesake altered history. I don’t want her altering mine. I’ll stick to pining
after Claire. At least for a while.”

“Ah,
unrequited love,” G-Ray said. He looked heavenward and said dramatically, “Why
do we always want what we cannot have?”

Don’t Be Cruel

Claire
woke up. It was the middle of the night. She’d been having a dream that Scarlet
was cheating on her and that Ollie hated her and she was stuck in an old, cold
house far, far away from home. No wait, that was no dream. It was reality.

She
heard somebody crying and for a moment she thought it was coming from Ollie’s
bedroom. Then she realized it sounded like it was coming from inside her own
bedroom. She quickly clapped her hands and the bedside lamp flicked on.

What
she saw made her heart still and the blood freeze in her veins. Elvis was
slumped in a chair in the corner. The book “Elvis and Me” lay face down in his
lap. His face was buried in his hands and he was sobbing.

Elvis
had on a white jumpsuit, complete with studded cape, and his big belly was
pushing the limits of the seams.

“Elvis?”
Claire whispered.

He
looked at her between his fingers and then another round of sobs wracked his
heavy frame.

“I
was wondering if you’d show up again,” Claire said. “Why are you crying?”

Elvis
blew his nose on the hem of his cape. He took a big, shaky breath and dabbed at
his eyes. “I’m sad. I’m just an old, fat, sad excuse of a man.”

“You’re
not so old,” Claire said.

“If
I ask you a question, will you tell me the truth?”

“If
I can,” she said.

“Am
I… Was I really as bad as this book says I was?”

Claire
shrugged. “Well, they say you did some drugs. That’s how you died.”

Elvis
nodded. “I know about the drugs. But did I do all the other stuff?”

“You
ate too much peanut butter and bacon. You got fat,” Claire said. “Sorry to be
so blunt, but there you have it.”

“I’m
not talking about my girth. What I meant to say was… did I treat Priscilla that
bad?” he asked.

“I
think you had an affair with Ann-Margret,” Clair said. “And some others, too.”

Elvis
covered his face with both hands and sobbed again. Claire waited a few moments
then got out of bed and knelt on the floor in front of him. She gently took him
by the wrists and pulled his hands away from his face. “You weren’t all bad,
Elvis. You brought a lot of joy to a lot of people.”

“I
loved Priscilla. I really did. She was everything to me. Her and Lisa Marie.
Why did I ruin it all?” he sputtered. “When she left, she took my heart with
her. I tried to fill it with food and drugs and women…” He cried a moment then
said, “Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true. I sang those words but didn’t
understand them.”

Claire
patted his hand, saying, “Sometimes we don’t know what love is even when it’s
staring us in the face.”

Elvis
looked into her eyes and said pointedly, “Don’t let it happen to you. If you
are lucky enough to love and be loved, take my word for it, don’t throw it
away.”

Claire
swallowed. “I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“Yes,
I promise.”

Claire
walked back to her bed and when she turned around, Elvis was gone. She crawled
back under the covers and clapped off the lights. She slept peacefully for the
first time in over a week.