Death of a Neighborhood Witch (Jaine Austen Mystery) (27 page)

BOOK: Death of a Neighborhood Witch (Jaine Austen Mystery)

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“Quick! Call the police!”

But he didn’t have to bother. Amy Chang, who’d heard the ruckus in Peter’s house from her apartment, had interrupted a session of dipsy doodle with a tenured UCLA professor and called 911.

Within minutes, the squad cars were roaring up the street.

The police found Peter trying to burn Cryptessa’s manuscript. And a quick search under the floorboards in his service porch unearthed the ape suit he was foolish enough to have kept as a memento of his very first murder.

Lance and I were sitting on the curb in front of our duplex as the cops hauled him off to the criminal ward at the USC medical center.

“I always knew he was no good,” Lance clucked as they drove away. “Honestly, Jaine. I can’t believe you were silly enough to fall for him.”

Epilogue

I
f you ever need your fortune told, you absolutely must go to Madame Vruska, aka Gidget the Surfer Psychic. The woman is amazing. Remember how she spoke with Cryptessa on her Soul Phone and told me to take care of Bela the bat?

Well, not three weeks after Peter was indicted for Cryptessa’s murder, I came home one day to discover Prozac clawing the stuffing out of poor Bela.

And you’ll never guess what was inside.

An emerald necklace, a diamond bracelet, and a Count Chocula decoder ring.

I was sorely tempted to keep the loot for myself, but I listened to my conscience and handed it over to Warren, the person I knew it was intended for.

Overcome with gratitude, Warren let me keep the decoder ring.

Remind me never again to listen to my buttinsky conscience.

It turns out the oil on Cryptessa’s property was coming from an abandoned well—abandoned because it contained only enough oil to fill a small Volkswagen. So the Moores’ efforts to buy Cryptessa’s house were all in vain.

The authorities soon discovered that Matt and Kevin were up to their eyeballs in shady real estate deals, and the larcenous couple were quickly stripped of their licenses. Last I heard, they were working for Warren at Falafel Land.

Much to my irritation, Mrs. Hurlbutt is still bragging about how she “solved” Cryptessa’s murder. She and Mr. Hurlbutt recently celebrated their thirtieth wedding anniversary with a cruise to Alaska, where I’m told she scared off quite a few grizzlies.

Kandi’s still dating the podiatrist dude she met in the museum parking lot. No diamond ring yet, but he did give her a pair of custom-fitted orthotics.

It took Lance exactly thirteen and a half seconds to get over Peter, and he’s now head over heels in love with a guy he met at a “German for Beginners” class.

Thank heavens word never got back to Emmeline about her husband’s affair with Cryptessa. She and Lana Turner are happy as can be with their new neighbor, a reference librarian with an arthritic cocker spaniel.

And guess what? It turns out I wasn’t the only one who knew about Lila’s fling with Ralph Mancuso. Apparently Mrs. Mancuso had been having Ralph tailed. (By that old coot who tried to pick me up at Belle Reve!) Armed with several incriminating photos, Mrs. M. was only too happy to bust her husband’s love nest wide open.

Needless to say, Lila lost the race for neighborhood council president. Unable to face her neighbors after her fall from grace, she moved to a tiny retirement village in the Dominican Republic, where last I heard she was running for mayor.

Finally, you’ll be happy to know that Amy Chang graduated with honors from UCLA and is now working as a congressional intern for one of her former clients.

As for Prozac, she’s as impossible as ever. Now that Halloween is over and the world is safe from painted pumpkins, she is girding her loins for the Invasion of the Diabolical Christmas Tree Ornaments.

What with Cryptessa, Peter, Lila, and the Moores gone, several young couples with children have moved onto the block. It’s nice to have children around after all these years.

In fact, I’m off to the market right now to stock up on Halloween candy.

(Okay, so I’m eleven months early. But who’s counting?)

PS. Almost forgot. According to the latest from Gidget’s soul phone, Cryptessa finally made it to heaven! Where, after only three days, several of her cloud-mates have already requested transfers to hell.

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Kensington Publishing Corp.
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New York, NY 10018

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Library of Congress Card Catalogue Number: 2012940003

ISBN: 978-0-7582-7960-6