Deep Surrendering: Episode Seven (7 page)

“I don’t think so. I don’t even know what’s wrong. Dad won’t tell me. I think he wants to try and handle it himself. Maybe because he thinks I can’t deal with it, or that I don’t want to.” Neither of those things was true. There was a world of difference between not wanting to fight with my mother on the phone and not wanting to help her if she was sick.

“I’m sure if you just call him and explain, he’ll understand,” Fin said. He had a lot of faith in my dad. I knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. I was probably going to have to fight my way back into that house. For the first time, maybe ever, I wished I lived closer.

Well. That’s something I never thought I would say.

“It will turn out fine. I know it.” Fin kissed my hands and pulled me in for a tight hug. “I will do anything for you, Marisol. Anything.” I felt the truth in his words. I’d said nearly the same thing to him just a few hours ago.

“That’s good to know, Fin,” I said, unable to hold back the tears that dripped down my cheeks. I wiped them quickly so he wouldn’t see.

“Things will work out for you,” he said. I just nodded as we drove back toward the city.

I wanted to believe him.

I had no idea what Fin did while I was in class, but when he picked me up, he seemed calm. Collected. Back to his controlled self. He’d also changed clothes.

“Well hello there, Mr. Herald,” I said as he held the door for me and took my breath away. I forgot what my name was for a moment as he smiled.

“How was class?” he asked as he got in after me.

“Good. What did you do with yourself?”

“This and that,” he said. I wanted to roll my eyes at him. Fine, don’t tell me. “Sorry, it was nothing of consequence. I’m working on some things that might be very good in the near future. Just . . . trust me.” There was complete honesty in his words. He wasn’t saying he would never tell me, he was just saying not right now. I could deal with that.

“Would you like to have dinner?” he asked. I was absolutely starving, but I didn’t feel like eating out.

“Can we go to your place?” I said. “I just want to lay in bed and be lazy with you.”

He pulled me under his arm. “That sounds perfect.”

I
still didn’t know where we stood, or when he was going back, but I was just going to enjoy the time I had with him. Something told me to treasure it, and I listened to my intuition.

Fin asked me what I wanted and I said I didn’t care. He could order whatever. That made him smile, the control freak.

I headed to the bathroom and took a long shower, but he didn’t join me like I thought he might.

I walked out in just my towel to find him laying in bed reading.

“Hi,” I said, twisting my wet hair over one shoulder.

“Food should be here in a few,” he said, his eyes skimming my body and then going back to the book. Oh, was this how it was going to be now?

“Fin?” I asked, and he looked back up at me. I probably shouldn’t be doing this in just a towel, but I had to do it while I had the courage.

“Yes, Marisol.” He set the book down and gave me his full attention.

“What are we doing? With us? I know last night was . . . a lot, but I just need to know if you still want to be with me. Like we were, or maybe something more. I don’t know. I just feel like I never know where we stand. I’m being demanding, forget it.” I shook my head and went to get some clothes. Nearly half my wardrobe was here now. I might as well move in.

Fin was silent for a long time and then there was a knock at the door. Had to be the food. Neither of us moved to get it.

“The honest answer to that question is . . . I don’t know. I don’t even know what’s going to happen to me tomorrow. I want to be with you, if that’s what you’re asking. I want to be with you more than anything in this world. But I don’t know how right now. I don’t even know how to be me.” I didn’t know what he was going through, but I could imagine.

“I just needed to hear that you still want to be with me. As long as I have that, I think I’m going to be okay,” I said. It was only a little lie. I just needed him to get his shit together and then we could move on. Together. I had to believe that somehow this would work out between us. I wasn’t giving up. Not by a long shot.

He smiled at me and went to get the food.

“Good. That’s all I needed to hear,” he said, stopping to kiss me on the forehead. It was a very sweet, chaste kiss—the kind you’d give your sister.

Fin and I had gone from hot and heavy to sweet and cute. I definitely didn’t want cute right now. I was still pent up from him being gone for weeks, but I had to stick to my boundaries.

I was the one who told him I wouldn’t be with him physically until he confided in me. What a filthy hypocrite I was.

I shook my head at myself and got dressed. Fin came back with the food, and we sat down and started eating.

“Movie?” Fin asked. I nodded. I needed something else to focus on while he was lying in bed next to me. When did I turn into such a horndog? Jesus, control yourself, Marisol.

“Sure. You pick.” He fiddled with the remote and then
You’ve Got Mail
started playing. More Tom Hanks. It made me grin at him, and he grinned back.

“Thought you might like this one as well. You know, because your boyfriend Tom Hanks is in it.” I rolled my eyes at him. Tom Hanks had nothing on Fin Herald. The comparison wasn’t even close.

I didn’t pay attention to what I was eating or the movie. I was too busy thinking about what could be wrong with my mom, what I was going to do about it, and how close Fin was to me. One of those things was not like the others.

When I finished eating, I slipped out of bed. “I’m going to go call my dad,” I said.

Fin nodded and went back to watching the movie.

I walked out to the living room and sat on one of Fin’s chairs as I called my parents. My dad picked up on the second ring.

“Hey, Dad. It’s Marisol.” I don’t know why I had to announce myself. He knew who I was. Guess I was nervous.

“Hi, Marisol.” He didn’t sound happy to hear from me. “You forgot the check, you know.”

“Yeah, that’s part of the reason I called. The other is that . . . I’m worried about Mom. Really worried. You can’t tell me there isn’t something going on, and you can’t shut me out anymore.” There, I said it. At least I’d gotten it out.

Dad sighed. “I’m taking care of it, Marisol. You don’t need to worry.” His reaction was totally predictable. My father, who had stood so long behind my domineering mother was now the one who’d taken charge. I knew he had it in him, but I never banked on him using it against me.

“I’m sorry, but that’s not good enough,” I said. “I have a right to know what’s going on with her. She’s my mother. And I want to help, if I can.” He didn’t say anything for a while, and I looked at my phone to make sure the call hadn’t dropped.

“Dad?”

“I’m here,” he said, his voice tight. “Marisol, I’ve got this under control. You have a life of your own, and you don’t need to be dealing with this.” Breaking back into my family was going to be harder than I thought.

“But she’s my mother. I know we don’t always get along, but I love her, and if something is seriously wrong, I need to know, Dad. Please.” The tears came again, and he seemed surprised by them.

“Okay, okay. I just didn’t want to burden you. I know how much you hate coming out here, and I didn’t want to interfere with your life.” Yeah, well, I hadn’t really helped in that situation. I’d always felt little stabs of regret for the way my relationship with my parents had deteriorated, but now it was full-blown.

Yes, I fought with my mother, but it wasn’t all on her side. Maybe this was some sort of wake-up call.

“You can tell me, Dad. I’m asking you to, as your daughter. Please.” He and Mom were the only family I had. Our other relatives were either dead or lived so far away we rarely had contact. I’d always relied on my friends to give me what I needed in the way of family.

“Oh, Marisol. Don’t say things like that.”

“I’m sorry.” Why was I apologizing? “Can I come over, maybe this weekend? We can talk.”

He let out a long breath. “Sure. I’ll let you know what time is good.” A tiny bit of relief sunk into me. I was going to figure this out and deal with it. And Fin was going to figure himself out, and then we could be together the way we wanted to be. Everything was on its way to working out.

“Great. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye, Dad. Give my love to Mom.”

“I will. Love you, too.”

I looked down at my phone. That was one of the most intense conversations I’d had with my father in years.

I walked back to the bedroom slowly and found Fin waiting for me.

“How did it go?” he asked, turning the movie down as I sat back down on the bed.

“Good, I think. I’m going over this weekend to figure things out. I don’t really get along with my parents, you know. My mom less so than my dad. She and I push each other’s buttons, and we always just end up fighting. I like to blame them for the fact that we aren’t close, but it’s my fault too. And I was just thinking that, maybe, this is sort of a wake-up call and somehow we’ll figure out how to be a family.” It sounded corny. Like a line from a movie.

“Just ignore me, I’m rambling,” I said, waving my hand. I noticed Fin staring at me again, and I couldn’t deal with the scrutiny.

“Never. I’d never ignore you. And that sounds so . . . sweet. That you still want to be their daughter and have them be your parents.” He held his arms out and I climbed into them, and he rested his chin on top of my head.

“It sounds so childish. Like I’m still waiting for them to buy me a pony for my birthday or something.” It was a metaphor. I never actually wanted a pony.

“No, it doesn’t. The things that happen during our formative years affect us for the rest of our lives.” Well, he should know. He had some awful things happen during those years.

We sat, and he held me for a long time. Now that the thing with my parents was somewhat stable, I wanted to go back to working things out with him.

“Are you keeping your distance from me?” I asked.

“I’m holding you, Marisol.”

“True, but you know what I mean.”

He pulled back from the hug so he could see my face. “I’m respecting your wishes, Marisol. No matter how much it pains me.” He brushed my hair back and smiled.

“Oh.” I was so used to him being aggressive that I didn’t really know what to do with this Fin.

“Yes, oh,” he said, tapping the tip of my nose. “So don’t be mad at me. You’re the one who made the rule.”

I did. Why had I done that again? I couldn’t really remember.

“As much as I hate it, and believe me, I do, I think at least one of us has to keep a cool head. And it’s not going to be me.” He was keeping pretty cool right now. There was no hint of the struggle he said he was going through.

“I know I was right when I made that decision, and I know you’re right to listen to me, but I kind of hate it right now,” I said.

“Well, that makes two of us.” But he didn’t move to do anything about it.

“You’re very good at this restraint thing,” I said, and he laughed. I quickly realized where his mind had gone.

“You know what I meant,” I said, smacking his chest.