Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (15 page)

Don’t forget the fun possibility of Tweeting the experience for your Babywatch followers. Because you will be delirious, sleep deprived, and generally not thinking clearly, here’s some advice. Please
do not
Tweet any of the following:

• She’s either pregnant or she ate a baby.”
  
• “They just paged my wife’s ankles to the delivery room because we couldn’t find them.”
  
• “She’s currently attacking her food with the intensity of a wild boar.”
  
• “Just judging by belly size, I’ll make this call: Surprise triplets!”
  
• “The doctor told her to push, but she’s not really trying.”
  
• “I think we can answer the question right now: We got milk.”
  
• “When I find out who the father is, I’ll kill him.”
  
• “I feel like I’m at a private screening of Big Mama 2.”
  
• “I going to go rub the Buddha for good luck.”
  
• “I cannot believe she wimped out and got the epidural!”
  

Certain circumstances call for the doctor to go ahead and, for lack of better verbiage, bring the baby into the world by cutting open your BMP’s abdomen and lifting the baby out. Slightly gross. Some women prefer to do this to help maintain their appearance. They’re either planning on leaving you very soon or they’re extremely vain.

Most frequently this procedure is performed because of pregnancy complications, and if your BMP has a C-section, it’s likely that subsequent deliveries will be performed that way as well.

Here are some common reasons why a C-section is performed:

• The labor process gets stuck in neutral. This is called “failure to progress.”
  The baby seems ready, Mom and Dad are ready, but nothing is happening. Up to this point, the labor has been all anticipation and no follow-through, like Clay Aiken’s singing career or an Adam Sandler movie. Perhaps the baby’s head is too large to pass through the birth canal. Anyway, this is the most frequent and least problematic of the C-section situations.
  
• A more problematic situation is one I alluded to before: your baby’s oxygen supply has been reduced.
  Either this or a dramatic change in the baby’s heartbeat can cause your doctor to recommend a quick surgery to get the baby out of there. Nothing like a little excitement to spice up the delivery.
  
• Location, location, location.
  It’s possible your child has entered the birth canal in a less-than-ideal position. You simply cannot leave some things in the hands of a baby. The baby might be breech, or entering the birth canal feet first. This often happens with multiples. Babies can also get comfortable in the horizontal position and cannot be moved into the correct launch position. A C-section procedure can fix these thorny problems.
  
• Placental abruption can occur, when the placenta detaches from the uterus (not yours, Daddy) before labor gets underway.
  Placentia previa can also occur — that’s when the placenta covers the opening of the cervix. If either of these situations occur, it will be safer for the baby if a C-section is performed.
  
• Also, your baby may have health problems that make this type of delivery safer.
  If your baby has or may have conditions such as spina bifida or extra fluid on the brain, your doctor may make this recommendation.
  

So if C-sections are so handy, why don’t we deliver all babies this way? The main reason is that, like all surgeries, there are risks involved. Of course, surgery involves general cutting and so forth, and either your BMP or the baby can get accidentally injured. C-section babies have an increased risk of having breathing complications. Mom also faces a number of risks, including endometriosis, or an inflammation of the uterine lining; additional bleeding compared to traditional birth; urinary tract infection; and a three to four times greater chance of blood clots. In emergencies, it helps to have knowledge of the procedure up front. Being informed will reduce stress and fear of a C-section delivery if there’s a complication with the delivery and the decision must be made immediately.

Besides being informed, you can take a few additional steps to get ready if you’re so inclined or think this may be a real possibility for you. This may include — you guessed it — another blood test so the doctor has all the blood-matching information available in the unlikely event that your BMP would need a blood transfusion caused by blood loss during the C-section procedure.

Assuming everything goes well with the C-section, there are still some post-surgical considerations. Mom may not be allowed to lift anything heavier than a baby, and will need lots of help. Coughing, sneezing, or laughing at your wonderful jokes can cause mild pain or possible bleeding. Just so you know, most C-section patients will not be able to have doctor-sanctioned intercourse for at least six weeks. It’s way down on the list in importance, but I thought I should break it to you now.

After the delivery, by whatever method, the health-care staff will examine the child and make sure everything is functioning correctly. And unless you’re living in a country with a heavy government where they’re already determining whether your child will become an Olympic hero or an assembly-line worker, you should receive your child back shortly, even if she’s genetically destined to become a goldmedal winner on the vault.

So there are a couple of things that happen during birth that you are most likely not prepared for. There isn’t sufficient warning, either, because they’re just too utterly indescribable, or perhaps people — and men in particular — are too embarrassed to discuss them, or, most likely, it’s a diabolical plot that gives those who have already been through the experiences described here something to laugh about. So, for the first time in print, we’ll detail these mysterious events:

• Color and odor of the water breaking.
  When the baby is ready to show up for the party, the amniotic sac ruptures, and the amniotic fluid — aka “water” — sometimes gushes everywhere. If your BMP’s water decides to break, with any luck at a dinner party at the home of a friend you secretly dislike, the doc or midwife is going to ask you about the color and odor of said water. Because your natural reaction would be to rush over, stick your whiffer right up close, and breathe deeply, right? Of course your next reaction would be to take note of the color. “What do you think, hon? Kind of a translucent cadet gray? Or closer to oyster?” Needless to say, the description in question is not solely for the doctor’s amusement. Based on your detailed description, the doctor can hope to discern whether there are any potential problems going on.
  
• Somebody is going to poop in her pants.
  Isn’t this just what you wanted to see? There is a strong possibility that you, your BMP, or little Junior will make the delivery room a makeshift throne. You, because you’re scared as hell; your woman, because of the extreme amount of time and effort spent pushing. Make sure you’re comfortable with the people in attendance. Tell your sister not to bring her fiancé; he might never recover. Between the many reports of record-setting gas with a chance of poopiness, you’re in for a memorable experience. In the event that you escape the scenarios listed above, the baby will be the culprit. Your baby has been taking in nutrients, and to celebrate their arrival, some babies like to get that meconium out of their system.
  
• Cutting the cord.
  We’ve all heard about the figurative cutting of the cord. When a friendship doesn’t work out, or a boyfriend or girlfriend needs to go, we’ve all bitten the bullet and ended the relationship. But this cutting of the cord is literal. You’re in the delivery room, having made it through the obstacle course of delivering a child, feeling happy and relieved in the seconds immediately after you’ve first seen your new child, and you’re hoping you’re in the clear and everyone is happy and healthy.
  

The doctor turns to you and offers you a medical device that’s the equivalent of scissors. It’s as if you’re being tested. Are you man enough? Can you overcome your natural programming, which tells you to recoil, feeling you may cause harm to Mommy or your new child? From someone who has been there, I cut it, but I do not judge. Mostly because I am squeamish and feel ill at the first sign of blood.

Whew. Fun stuff. Labor and delivery can be like making sausage or seeing Kirstie Alley in a bikini: not all that pretty. Still, we’re not through yet, so let’s keep going.

During labor, you might see a beltlike contraption looped around your BMP’s belly. This is for fetal monitoring, which allows your doctor (or, more likely, the nurses) to keep vigilant watch on your child, his heart rate, and how he’s handling the contractions. Some hospitals do not use the belt and do a manual check at regular intervals, say every fifteen minutes. If they use continuous monitoring with the belt, and if things are really slow, don’t be afraid to encourage your BMP to remove it to, say, go to the restroom. This will be a good dry run to see if anyone is paying attention up at the front desk. (Disclaimer: They may get mad at you, so I’m joking here. I think.)

One other method may be used, and in the interest of full disclosure, I’ll tell you about it. If your BMP is — how do I say this — full figured, it may make it hard to get an accurate reading. In these cases, the doctor may use internal fetal heart-rate monitoring. Here they actually attach a monitor to the baby while Junior is still in utero.

If the fetal heartbeat shows a rhythm or pattern that causes the health-care staff concern, they may instruct your BMP to change positions, or they may give her more fluids. A more serious pattern could cause the doctor to consider other delivery methods; the most common would be an immediate C-section.

Once you arrive at the hospital, you get settled in and go through the process. It’s a little maddening because the hospital staff generally acts like they’re delivering a pizza, but it’s okay for you to get excited.

If you’ve taken on the mantle of “labor partner” for the delivery of your child, then all of us other guys are really proud of you. This title implies more than just telling onlookers when they may enter and when they need to skedaddle. If you’re considering a home birth, this role is even more involved.

So what
is
your role during labor? Why do I always picture a guy doing these weird Lamaze breathing exercises? Well, if you’ve been involved in the process from the beginning, going to all the classes and appointments, then you’re right on track. If you’re reading and trying to stay informed about pregnancy and delivery, kudos — you’re doing a great job. You most likely picked up a lot of what you need if you’ve been doing all of the above.

A quick Internet search will show articles with advanced labor-coaching techniques such as, “Don’t answer your cell phone or text” during delivery. Hmmmm. Methinks someone had a bad experience with men. Also out there is advice like, “Refrain from needless chit-chat that can annoy her” during this magical moment. How about some tips that are actually helpful for men and not tinged with poisoned estrogen?

1. Guys, remember, you may not feel like you’re doing a whole lot. But by being there you’re supporting your partner and showing solidarity with her.
   
2. It’s okay to be nervous. She’s nervous. Encouraging her during the contractions and delivery is one of the most important things you can do.
   
3. Pray together if you are so inclined. (Screaming about blessed feces does not count.)
   

In the days immediately following the birth, it will be important for her to know how much you love and care for her, and that she is still beautiful. I encourage you to give her a map with Tennessee cut out, and tell her, “You’re the only 10 I see.”

I guess it’s time to discuss with reverence the miracle that is childbirth. When you stop to consider how smart and efficient nature is, it really is amazing. A single, determined, sperm dodged all of the various dangers as if it were in a microscopic game of Frogger, and made a final triumphant leap to its destination. This small, fertilized egg finds its own way to be implanted in a uterus. In this tiniest of blueprints is carried the information to grow everything from ten fingers and toes to the complex human brain. Eventually this growth takes the aforementioned single cell all the way to a fully formed baby.

So as you stand there in shock as you watch your child enter the world, take a quick second to realize how amazing this whole thing is. Unfortunately, these minutes of rapture and amazement must end. But before you know it, you and your BMP will be alone in a recovery room at the hospital with huge smiles on your faces that won’t go away easily.

Okay. I lied to you. I told you I was going to abandon you after the birth. But I’ve grown fond of you as the pages have turned, and it just wouldn’t be fair to leave you now. I have a soft spot for new fathers because I just think they are so wide-eyed and on edge, like newborn puppies. I can at least stay with you until you get the baby home.

Let’s take a look at your best strategy for navigating the post-birth part of this journey. As I mentioned earlier, they’re going to do some funky things with Junior. It’s okay. As long as you’re not giving birth in a third-world country where they’re estimating your baby’s worth on the black market based on your and the mother’s appearance, the doctors are generally just checking everything to ensure that Junior is in good health and checking whether there are any superfluous tests they can justify to soak the insurance company out of a few thousand more dollars. Some of these tests include a hearing test, Apgar test (which judges the baby’s overall appearance and breathing), PKU test (which detects an important enzyme or its absence), a blood test to determine the baby’s blood type, and, depending on where you live, perhaps a few more. Your baby will also howl in indignation as the shots are administered: a Hepatitis B shot and Vitamin K. Someone will also measure your baby’s weight and length.