End Game (8 page)

As I lay in bed, I start thinking about my
list, and how I haven’t told Rayanne everything on it. There are
two more things I kept to myself. First, and my therapist and I
agree this one should be first, is to fall in love with myself. It
all sounds stupid, but it’s true. I can’t really ever love someone
else if I don’t love me. I am hoping, doing all the things I was
too afraid of before, will give me the courage to love myself. I
can’t accomplish the next part of my list if I don’t.

The second thing on my list is to fall in
love. To be more specific, have Zane fall in love with me. I have a
feeling falling in love with myself maybe harder. I know I
shouldn’t want him to want me. I should hate him, but I don’t. If
any of this therapy, or whatever all this is, is going to work,
then I have to be honest with myself. I want him to love me, but
not before I learn to love myself. Right now, I am still filled
with so much fear.

What if I get fat again? Would he fall out of
love with me? Why couldn’t he have loved me when I was heavier? I
guess, when I grow some balls, these are the things I need to ask
him. I know that when I have the confidence, and love within
myself, I can ask him all of these things. I am not really sure if
this part of my list will ever be complete, but maybe I can learn
to just be happy with having him as my friend again. I am sure that
will be enough. Won’t it? I fall asleep…thinking about Zane…loving
me.

Chapter Eleven

The next month flew by. I was finally getting into
the flow of my classes. Ray and I were still getting along, and
trying hard to be honest with each other. As for Zane and I, we
have been having dinner together at least every other night. He
says it is because I am a much better cook than the guys at his
frat, but I want to believe it is because he wants to be with me.
We have also been trying to figure out a way to get Collin and
Rayanne together.

Tonight, I won’t be able to have dinner with
Zane, and I have to tell him. For some reason I am so nervous. He
isn’t my boyfriend, and I know he is just my friend, but having to
tell him I have a date tonight feels weird.

I am at the café waiting for Zane to show up
for his usual coffee. He always makes sure to stop by when I am
working. I have to suck up my fear and tell him I have a date with
Jason.

I can’t believe that I am going out with him
again, but he is on my list. Date a guy, just because he is hot,
and that is what Jason is to me. He is just a hot guy to learn how
to make out with it. When I actually kiss someone, who I really
want to kiss, I want to know what I am doing. Don’t get me wrong,
kissing Jason is anything but a punishment, just not who I really
want to be kissing. I should ask Rayanne if that makes me a
slut.

Before I can continue my thoughts, I hear the
bell, over the door. I look up and there he is, looking yummy.
Zane.

“So what are you making me for dinner
tonight, Hannah Banana Split?”

“Um… about that Zane. I can’t have dinner
with you tonight.”

“What? You got a hot date or something?” Zane
chuckles.

I looked at Zane, hoping he would see what I
was trying to say. I really didn’t want to tell him about
Jason.

“Oh, you do have a date tonight. Do I know
with who?”

“Yeah,” I paused and said, “I am going out
with Jason again.”

“Oh come on, Hannah. Why him? He is an idiot.
You could do so much better than him.”

Should I actually tell him the truth about
why I was going out with Jason? I thought about it for second and
decided I had to.

“Okay Zane. Do you want to know the truth
about why I am going out with Jason? It’s because he is on my
list.”

Telling Zane about my list is also on my
list. I know I can never honestly get Zane to love me. I mean,
loving myself is one thing, but if Zane really were to ever love
me, I want him to just because he does. I don’t want to have to do
anything that is sexy, or crazy, for him to want me. I want him to
want just the plain Jane version of me. So, the Zane part of my
list has been revised. I want to trust him and believe in our
friendship again. I want to forgive him. Forgiveness isn’t
something my mother ever knew anything about. She would and could
hold a grudge, forever. She held a grudge against me for just being
born. I can’t force someone to love me if they don’t want to love
me.

“What the hell is your list?”

“Zane, why don’t you come sit down with me on
my break so I can explain it all to you.”

Zane follows me to an open table, we sit
down, and I explain the list and me going to a therapist.

“So, you’re telling me your therapist is okay
with all of these things on your list?”

“She doesn’t really get a say on what is on
the list, Zane. It is the things that I want to do. It is my
list.”

“Okay, so dating Jason is on the list? Why
him?”

“It isn’t him on my list. He just happens to
be the guy that asked me out.”

“So, if any other guy had asked you out, it
would be him, and not Jason?”

He looked at me, and I swear it was a look a
guy would give to a girl he was interested in. I am only guessing,
because I have only ever seen this look in movies. I shook the
thought away, because Zane didn’t see me that way. He probably had
something in his eye.

“It isn’t like I am going to have sex with
the guy! I am just going to practice kissing with him, so when
there is someone I really like, and really want to kiss, I won’t be
nervous I am doing it wrong. I know that sounds horrible, and feels
weird telling you this, but you and I both know Jason isn’t looking
for anything from me. I have a lot of other things on my list…like
how I want to sing with you in front of people. Come on Zane. You
know that I have never had the balls to do that. Why is the Jason
thing the only thing that you hear?”

“I’m sorry. I know all of these things are
important to you, but I am just not a huge fan of Jason. He is an
asshole. I mean, when you find someone you really like, and want to
kiss him, I don’t think that guy will care you don’t have a lot of
experience. I mean…he may actually like that about you,” he says,
with a sly smirk.

“You really think that some guy would be okay
with a complete novice attacking his face?”

“Hannah, if a guy is really into you, then he
won’t care about all that stuff. All he will care about is kissing
you. He may also like being the one doing the teaching.”

“See Zane, this is why making sure I forgive
you is on the list.”

I told him just so I could see his reaction,
but I’m also hoping if he knows that I am going to forgive him, he
will finally tell me his big secret.

“You have forgiving me on the list?”

“Yes, I do. All I want is for us to be the
way we were before everything happened.”

“I want that too Hannah, but the truth is I
want us to be better than before.”

“How can we be better?”

“I want us to be closer, and I want to be
more honest with you. I think that you haven’t always been honest
with me either.”

“You’re right, and I want that too. Let’s
promise that we will be better friends to each other.” I held out
my pinky so that we could pinky promise on it.

Zane started laughing and crossed his pinky
with mine. I joined in the laughing. It felt so good to have Zane
back in my life.

“Okay, my break is over, but I promise I will
make your favorite dinner tomorrow.”

“You’re going to make me cheesy hash browns?”
Zane asked me, with the biggest smile on his face. He looked like a
little kid, getting candy for the first time…beyond excited.

“Yes, as long as you run with me the next
day. I can’t eat that shit with out making sure I work out.”

“You have a deal Hannah Banana Split. Have I
told you how proud of you I am for losing weight?” Zane asked me,
leaning into my ear. “You were just as beautiful then as you are
now. Always know that.”

My breath was caught in my lungs. Never, and
I mean never, has Zane called me beautiful, and he even said I was
before I lost the weight. Okay, my mind just went blank in that
moment. In a matter of a split second, all of my fantasies seemed
real. I never imaged it in a coffee shop, and Zane getting up to
leave after he said it, but shit, I will take it.

“Thank you, but you don’t have to say that
just to get your cheesy hash browns,” I said, as I stood up next to
Zane.

Zane then hugged me and said, “I know that,
Hannah, and I’m not saying that just to be nice. I’m being
honest.”

Zane then leaned in, kissed me on the cheek,
and I swear he whispered, “End game.” I think I just heard him say
it again.

“What?”

“Nothing. I will explain it some day,” he
said in a hurry.

“Okay…well bye Zane. I guess I will see you
tomorrow,” I said, still very confused.

Zane walked out of the coffee shop and waved
to me as he walked out the door. This was the weirdest afternoon I
have ever had with him. I don’t know if it is wishful thinking or
what, but Zane seems different towards me. I am almost positive it
is nothing but wishful thinking and my mind playing tricks on
me.

I heard the bell, over the door, again, and
looked up to see Rayanne walk in for her shift.

“Thank God you are here Ray. I just had the
weirdest conversation with Zane, and I don’t have time to think
about it because I have to go on this date with Jason,” I blurted
out, in a panic.

Rayanne came up to me and grabbed my arms,
“Girl, relax! You are freaking out right now. I only got about half
of what you actually said because you were talking so fast.”

“I know, but I think I am rethinking my date
with Jason. I mean, he is super cute and all, and I guess he’s a
great kisser, but I have nothing to compare it to. He could
actually be a horrible kisser and I don’t know it. What if all he
does is teach me to be a horrible kisser?”

“Hannah! Okay, first, from what I hear, you
have nothing to worry about his kissing ability, because it sounds
top notch. And second, I think you need to do what feels good and
right to you.”

“That does not help me Ray. I was looking for
you to tell me what to do. I mean, I guess he is a good kisser, and
I could do worse. Right?”

I started freaking out on the inside. Is what
I’m doing slutty and mean? I am basically using Jason.

“Ray…am I a slut?” I blurted out. People in
the shop started staring at me. Then, Rayanne busted out
laughing.

“No, Hannah, you are not a slut. If you are a
slut, then there is no name for what I am.”

I smiled at that, because even though she is
more experienced than I am, I would never call Rayanne a slut.

“Thanks Ray. Guess I will go get ready for my
date then. Please wait up for me, so I can talk to you.”

I hugged Rayanne and walked out of the coffee
shop. As I turned the corner, I ran straight into Collin.

“Hey, Hannah! I was hoping to run into you. I
was wondering if Ray has said anything about me at all.”

“Not really, but if I can be honest, I know
that she still has feelings for you.”

“How can I get her to talk to me? I have to
talk to her.”

“Let me worry about that. Give me your
number.” I hand Collin my phone and he saves his number on it.

“I will call you as soon as I have a concrete
idea of how to get this fixed between you. It’s going to take some
work, but we will figure this out.”

Collin nods his head at me and says, “Zane
was right about you. He said that you were incredible, and he is
right.”

“Okay…thanks…I think. I will talk to you
later. Bye.” I didn’t even know how to respond to that, but all I
can think about now is how I need to get ready for my date. I am so
not looking forward to this.

Chapter Twelve

It is three hours later, and I am sitting across from
Jason, at Cheesecake Factory, just praying for him to be done
eating. I really want to just get back to my apartment and let him
have his PG-13 way with me, and just stop talking. He cares about
the stupidest, most ridiculous things in the world. I mean, him
talking about sports I would completely understand, and be kind of
okay with, but seriously for the last hour all he has been talking
about is the show Swamp People. He even wants to try and catch his
own alligator, or crocodile. I can’t tell the difference, and I
haven’t been paying enough attention to anything he is saying to
know if he explained it.

I am even amazed at how much I sound like a
bitch in my own head. I am thinking that maybe I should back out of
my plan for the night. I am pretty sure all my mother did was use
my father so she could have a baby. I don’t even want to get into
how or why she wanted a kid. I’ll leave that discussion for my
therapist next week. I also know I have no intention of sleeping
with Jason. So, maybe I am okay. What if I tell him right away he
has absolutely no chance of getting laid like at all? That doesn’t
make me so bad. Okay, that is what I will do. All I have to do is
get him to shut up.

“So, you wanna go back to my apartment?” I
asked Jason, and by the look on his face he was very excited by
this idea.

“Yes, absolutely. Let’s go.” He started
standing up to leave.

I grabbed his arm and started laughing. “I
think we need to pay first Jason.”

“Oh yeah. I should probably do that.”

Okay, for the first time, Jason was adorable,
and I was feeling like I wouldn’t really be using him for practice,
but maybe there is a chance that I could like him for real. I was
happy, and terrified, at the idea. Zane has been the only person I
ever liked. I mean, I have had crushes before, but more imaginary.
Boy bands, actors, or guys from my school that I never had one
conversation with.