Every Day is Like Doomsday (30 page)

Elliot moaned. He didn’t want the real world to
intrude upon his otherwise blissful, spin-free existence.
But there it was. And there were the spins. It was like
having a concussion all over again and he couldn’t understand why anyone would do this willingly.

“Ughmmfffoon,” he groaned
“What’s that?” asked Innya, annoyingly wideawake and not hung over at all. Right then Elliot hated
her so much.
“You look like hell but no getting sick now. We’re
on the news. Look.”
There was no way he was opening his eyes at the
moment, so he listened instead.
“Police are investigating a robbery at the home
owned by Senator William Vane. The perpetrators
allegedly broke into the Senator’s home office and made
off with computer files and confidential government
information, much of it highly classified. The federal
government has issued a statement condemning the act
and Senator Vane himself is offering a $10,000 reward
to anyone who has information on the culprits. Police
are not commenting on suspects at this time…”
Elliot opened his eyes and the square of blurry
light made the pain behind his eyes increase tenfold so
he squeezed them shut once more. A moment later he
heard his father’s voice. It was the voice his dad had used
on those rare occasions when Elliot had done something
wrong and his dad actually noticed. It was his incredibly
pissed off voice. It made Elliot smile through the pain.
“These perpetrators must be brought to justice. They
have defiled my personal space and attacked the very heart
of privacy, both on a personal and community level… How
can we, as a community, allow this kind of evil to persist?”
A reporter at the press conference called out, “But
aren’t you the one who lobbied for the VA to be in our
town? You brought the evil here.”
Elliot opened his bleary eyes once more just in time
to see his dad’s face darken in anger. Now that Elliot knew
how evil his father really was he figured that that reporter
was likely to turn up dead or go missing very soon.
“Well, that guy is dead now,” said Innya, echoing
Elliot’s thoughts exactly.
Senator Vane said only, “I said before this started
that I would not be taking any questions.”
The anchor came back and said, “That footage was
from a press conference held by Senator Vane this morning in response to the break in.”
“Smart thinking cutting power to the surveillance system, kid,” said a voice from behind Elliot. Elliot
whipped around so fast the room started spinning again
but he was shocked into sobriety once he saw Mr. Magnificent sitting in a pair of tighty-whities, scratching
his obscenely muscular, sparsely-haired chest, one leg
propped up on the edge of Elliot’s bed.
“What the hell is he doing in here?” asked Elliot in
a voice about two octaves higher than usual.
“Who do you think carried you here after you
passed out? Then he passed out. I swear you guys are both
such pussies.”
“What were you thinking?” asked Elliot, “How the
hell are we supposed to get him out of here?”
“Don’t get your panties in a twist, Mary. I can just
go out the way you guys always do.”
“Will you please put your leg down,” insisted Elliot.
“Afraid to see what a real man looks like?”
“Put your leg down,” barked Innya and Mr. Magnificent immediately put his foot on the floor. Elliot was
in awe. He looked back and forth between the two of
them. Tension hung uncomfortably in the air between
them and gave Elliot the creeps.
“He carried me?” he asked.
“Don’t mention it. You guys were so good to me last
night,” Mr. Magnificent leveled his eyes at Innya, “Too
good to me. It was the least I could do.”
Elliot’s suspicion was not eased by Mr. Magnificent’s words but before he could ask anything else the
superhero stood up to get dressed and Elliot groaned and
averted his eyes.
“Time to put in an appearance at the crime scene.
Not to worry though, I’ll mislead them if they’ve caught
your scent.” Mr. Magnificent hefted his enormous jet
pack onto his shoulders and then tousled Elliot’s hair.
“Take care, kid,” he said.
“I’m not a kid,” Elliot mumbled over his pout.
“Whatever. Oh, and by the way, you asked last
night how I always knew where you were. You really
want to know?”
“Yes,” Elliot and Innya answered in unison.
“Craig tipped me off.”
“How?” asked Innya and Elliot groaned again and
rested his face on his hands.
“What?” Innya asked him.
“Craig’s phone. The one I stole. It’s been in my coat
pocket and even though it won’t work for us I’ll bet it
worked for him. He’s been keeping tabs on us.”
Innya scowled at him and Mr. Magnificent just
laughed. “Noob,” he said. Then to Innya, “Thank you.” He
took her hand and kissed it and Elliot thought the top
of his head was going to explode. Then Mr. Magnificent
walked out the door.
Innya turned to Elliot.
“What’s up with you? You going to barf ? Because I
do not want to see that.”
“What… happened… last… night?” Elliot asked,
distinctly enunciating each word to avoid screaming.
Innya just shrugged, which made him even angrier, and
he hissed, “Did… you… sleep… with… him?”
Then Innya laughed as if Elliot had just regaled her
with the funniest joke in the world. “You’re so silly,” she
said. “Why would I do him? He’s far too old and creepy.
But after he brought you back here we got a chance to talk
and I think he just really appreciated the conversation.”
The blood left Elliot’s face and he felt drained. He
wasn’t sure he believed her but she seemed so unaffected
by his accusations that he couldn’t really tell. Did he even
have a right to be angry? His life had become so crazy he
didn’t even know which way was up anymore.
“I’m sorry, I just…” and then Innya cut him off with
a kiss.
“What?” he asked when she finally released his
mouth long enough to pull her shirt off over her head.
“I’ve wanted to do this ever since I saw your dad
blow his top. We
really
pissed him off. It was just so hot,”
she said as she trailed kisses down his throat.Though part
of Elliot still wanted to barf the rest of him was ready and
raring to go and that’s the part that won out. One thing
that Innya had going for her, she was
very
persuasive.

As Elliot and Innya left Innya’s room they were
almost run over by three other kids running down the
hallway towards the stairs.They were all carrying flapping
pieces of brownish paper.

“Where’s the fire?’ asked Elliot with a goofy grin,
still floating in a haze of post-coital bliss.
“Someone saw Mr. Magnificent leaving the campus
and we all woke up with these on our doors,” said a kid
Elliot hadn’t seen before. He held up the piece of paper and
Innya snatched it out of his hands. He didn’t even protest;
he was too busy staring hungrily at her face. Elliot felt
protective and proud at the same time. Innya practically
oozed sex, especially after she had just had some.
“Look at this.” Innya shoved the paper into Elliot’s
hands and he scanned it quickly but he only needed to
read the first sentence to realize that this was his father’s
response to what had happened the night before. He was
amassing his army. He was preparing to start his world
takeover, calling in favors and issuing orders. His great
plan had been foiled and now he was taking the fight to
the streets before he could be exposed.
“Oh, crap,” said Elliot.
“Didn’t you guys get one of these letters?” asked the
new kid, narrowing his eyes.
Innya smacked him on the back of the head and
said, “Of course we did, moron.”
Elliot and Innya both turned their eyes to their
door but it was bare. Elliot’s heart dropped but Innya
continued unfazed. “We just wanted to see if everyone
had the same thing.”
“What are we going to do?” Elliot asked.
Innya thought for a moment then said to the new
kid, “Go tell everyone you see to meet in the gym in an
hour. We need to have a student body meeting.”
The kid started to run off, then came back and said
timidly, “Can I have my letter back?”
Innya smacked him on the head again. “Don’t be
stupid. I’ll keep it and you can have it back if you can
get everyone to come to the meeting.” He hesitated for a
moment and so Innya screamed, “Go!” He ran off.
“So what now?” asked Elliot. “Do you think he
knows it’s us?”
“I don’t know about your dad, but Craig does, so
it’s only a matter of time. And ever then he only knows
it’s the Zombie and the girl who used to hang out with
the Senator’s son, so unless the Dean starts flapping his
gums we should be safe. And at least for now we have Mr.
Magnificent on our side. ”
“You really trust him? He’s crazy.”
“He’ll help us.”
“Because you asked?”
“You know I can be persuasive.”
“Don’t I know it… So what should we do?”
Innya bit her lip and then said, “I’ve got something
to take care of.”
“Okay,” Elliot said, “What’s that?”
“Don’t worry about it right now. You need to go to
your room and get whatever you think we could use. I’ll
meet you in the gym and we’ll try to think of what to tell
everyone about this.”
Elliot took off at a jog toward his room but once
Innya was out of sight he slowed to a walk. His body
ached and his head felt as if a creature of pure pain had
taken up residence between his temples. Of all of the days
to have a showdown… Elliot wasn’t up to it.
On his way to the dorms he ran into Dean Woon.
The Dean was dressed in a buttoned up overcoat and a
fedora and had a scarf pulled up over his nose. The overloaded satchel slung over his shoulder and the obviously
heavy box in his hands gave him away: he was leaving.
“Dean Woon,” said Elliot, “Are you running away?”
The Dean stopped in his tracks and hung his head.
His lean shoulders slumped. He slowly turned his head
toward Elliot and wiggled his face free of the scarf. “You
could say that. However, I prefer to say that I am leaving
before your father arrives and demolishes this school. As
a general rule Villains do not like authority figures and I
have been keeping some of them in check for four years
and they’re none too pleased with me. Once your father
gives them leave to do as they please they will no doubt
come after me.”
“Where will you go?” Elliot was a little sad that
the Dean would not be taking part in this battle. At the
same time he was relieved to know that at least the Dean
wouldn’t be fighting on his father’s side.They were already
at enough of a disadvantage without adding a mind-reading sociopath to their list of enemies.
“Thank you, Elliot,” said the Dean with a sad smile.
It took Elliot a moment to realize that the Dean
had read his mind. “You’re welcome.”
“Are you really going to try to fight your father? I
gather you’re aware that he will not be alone?”
“Yes.”
“And are you prepared for this?”
Elliot thought for a moment and decided that no,
he wasn’t ready in the least. He took a deep breath and
was about to put on an air of false bravado and say ‘yes’
but then he realized that lying was pointless so he admitted, “Not at all. But it has to be done.”
“I agree,”said the Dean.“Goodbye, Elliot, and good
luck.”
“Goodbye, Dean Woon.”
“Please, if we ever meet again, call me Ian. I’m not
the Dean of anything anymore.”
“Sure thing, Ian. See you around.”
“Oh, Elliot?”
“Yeah?”
“Remember that box of weapons in my office that I
showed you when you first came here?”
“Of course,” said Elliot. He owed his life several
times over to the Dean and the special body armor he
wore beneath his clothes. “What about it?”
“I was just wondering if you remembered it. Goodbye again, Elliot.”
And then the Dean put his head back down and
stalked off across the snow-covered ground. Elliot continued his trek toward the dorms. Why did the Dean
bring up that box, Elliot wondered? They hadn’t spoken
of it since that day in his office and…
Elliot stopped. If he wouldn’t have felt like such
an idiot doing it he would have smacked himself on the
forehead with the heel of his hand. The box of weapons.
Weapons that they could use in this battle to the death
with a bunch of more experienced Villains.
He changed directions, there was nothing he really
needed in his room anyway, and jogged through the snow
toward the front of the school and the Dean’s office.
Elliot let himself into the Administration building and made his way down the long, dark hallway. He
stepped carefully, as there were papers and trash scattered
about the floor and he didn’t want to trigger some hidden booby-trap with a poorly-placed footfall. Strange,
he thought, that it was only then that he wondered if
this could be some sort of trap. Perhaps the Dean had
been working with the Senator all along. Perhaps they
both knew that Elliot was the only one gullible enough
to believe that a super Villain might want to help him.
Stopping in the hallway and placing his back against
the wall, Elliot looked both directions. He scanned the
walls and the floor for anything that might be out of place
but aside from the random papers that littered the floor
there was nothing. He glanced at his watch. He was running out of time. He had to make a decision: continue
forward and risk certain death or go back empty-handed
and risk an aggravated Innya.
Elliot made up his mind. He locked his eyes on the
Dean’s office door and started to run, mindless of what
triggers he might be stepping on in the process. When
he reached the door he threw his weight against it while
twisting the knob, pushing it open and rolling into the
office in one fluid movement. He landed on his back in
front of the Dean’s desk and the air was knocked from his
lungs. As he tried to regain his breath he scanned the rest
of the office, beneath the Dean’s desk, beneath the chairs.
He saw nothing besides a couple of dust bunnies and a
discarded mini Tootsie Roll wrapper.
So, this wasn’t a trap. If Elliot’s bruised ribs weren’t
screaming at him for his exertions he would have chuckled at himself as he stood, brushed his clothes off, and
went to pluck the key from its hook on the wall beside
the closet. But the key was gone. Elliot’s gaze flew to the
doorknob to see the key already inserted into the lock.
The closet door was still closed. Taking a deep breath,
Elliot counted to three then threw the door open.
In the closet, taking up every spare bit of space and
even propping his bulk on some of the lower shelves,
stood Lester. Having never really seen the monster of the
a kid up-close and upright, Elliot’s mind was not prepared for how small he suddenly felt when he realized
that he only stood as tall as the bottoms of Lester’s floppy
man boobs. Elliot took a step back as Lester turned his
tiny, sparkling eyes in his direction and he noticed that
Lester wasn’t wearing his muzzle or his straightjacket.
“Um… Hi, Lester,” said Elliot.
Lester, not surprisingly, said nothing specific, but
emitted a vague sort of grunt that could have meant
either “hi” or “You look delicious.” The entire front of
Lester’s shirt was soaked with slobber and peppered with
bits of chewed up cardboard and paper, and crumbs of
something that was probably less edible but thoroughly
unidentifiable. The shelves behind him, from what Elliot
could see of them, were half-empty already, which meant
that Lester had been in there for a while and had already
snacked on whatever the Dean had left behind. In his
hands he held the tub of weapons that Elliot had come
to collect.
“Lester, I need to you give me the box,” said Elliot
flatly, terrified but not willing to concede even in the face
of certain, slobbery death.
Lester squished the fleshy folds around his eyes
together into something resembling a blink and glanced
at the box in his hands. Then, as best he could, given the
constraints of several pounds of extra skin and a severelyoverworked skeletomuscular system, he shook his head.
His sausage-like fingers clamped down on the box, denting it slightly.
I don’t have time for this, thought Elliot. He looked
around for something to help him and saw a metal tray on
the Dean’s desk stacked high with unopened mail. “The
Dean sent me in here to get that box.” Elliot grabbed the
tray and held it out toward Lester. “But he said you could
have this instead.”
Lester eyeballed the tray with interest but did not
relinquish the box.
“Come on, Lester. It’s full of mail. Delicious, papery
mail.” He felt ridiculous but had to try something.
Still Lester showed no signs of giving in.
Elliot felt his face growing hot. No, he wasn’t a
Villain. No, he didn’t have any superpowers. But he’d be
damned if he was going to let some mountain of a kid
take his only chance at fighting back against the
real
bad
guys. The Dean had told him about the box, which meant
that the Dean wanted him to have the box, which meant
that the box was rightfully his. Besides, he asked himself the moment before he took action, who was he more
afraid of, Innya or Lester?
“Lester,” Elliot said, staring hard at the places
where he thought Lester’s eyes were and adopting a wide
stance just in case the giant, drooling mountain gorilla
came hurtling at him out of the closet. “Give me the box.
It belongs to me and I demand that you hand it over.”
Lester appeared to consider Elliot’s proposal and
for a second Elliot thought that he might have actually gotten through to him. But then Lester opened his
mouth and charged.
As if a switch had been flipped Elliot’s body went
into self-preservation mode. As Lester flew at him, his
unhinged jaw dangling like that creepy gulper eel thing
Elliot had seen a picture of in biology class once, moving
much faster than the laws of gravity and physics would
deem possible, Elliot jumped to the right. As he jumped
he turned and brought his right fist across his body, landing it solidly against at least two of Lester’s quintuple
chins. Lester’s jaw snapped shut and as Elliot fell off to
the right Lester fell to the left, smacking his head against
the corner of the Dean’s desk as he went down.
Elliot scrambled to his feet, ready for another attack
but Lester didn’t move. Elliot crept forward, every muscle
tensed and ready to jump out of the way should Lester show
any signs of doing anything besides remaining unconscious.
He quickly realized, however, that though Lester was still
breathing, he was out cold and no longer a threat.
Standing over his fallen peer, Elliot felt something
he hadn’t felt in a long time: pride. He had battled an
enemy and come out the victor. All on his own. Without
Innya’s help or guidance. He had done it.
He knew then that he was ready for the fight ahead.
He would take on his father and although Elliot knew
that he was no Luke Skywalker, he wasn’t even close to
being a Jedi master, he would stand his ground and either
win or die trying and that had to count for something.
Elliot grabbed the box off the floor where Lester
had thrown it and left the Dean’s office at a run. He tried
to ignore the slippery drool spots on the box because, he
thought, a hero can’t let himself be put off by something
as pedestrian as drool.