Every Time We Say Goodbye (26 page)

‘That’s true. I felt big, ugly and depressed but the more miserable I became, the more I ate.’

‘That’s human nature. I keep telling myself that I should cut down on wine but the more I think about it, the more I want it!’

Jo knew Marianne was trying to lift her spirits. Would she when she knew the truth? She twisted the tissue round and round her finger until the tip turned white. ‘That’s not why I’m upset now.’

‘Go on.’

Jo swallowed. ‘I found a solution to my weight issue but not a healthy one.’

Marianne groaned. ‘Not slimming tablets or laxatives, Jo?’

She shook her head and looked away from those kind, concerned eyes. ‘I started to make myself sick straight after eating. It sounds disgusting but it did the trick. I didn’t put on any weight and I felt back in control again.’

‘Jo!’ Marianne’s eyes filled with horror.

‘I’m disgusting, I know.’

‘You are not,’ Marianne grasped her hand. ‘Please stop saying that.’

‘I thought I was discreet, I didn’t think anyone knew . . .’ Jo put a hand to her mouth, as she recalled the image of her daughter bent over the loo.

‘Tell me.’

‘This morning,’ Jo started, her voice barely more than a croak, ‘I found Di doing exactly the same thing.’

‘Oh my God, poor Jo.’ Marianne took both of her hands between hers and stroked them.

Jo looked up at her. ‘And do you know the worst part, Marianne? She didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. She smiled at me and just said she wanted to look good for the party tonight. That’s what she’s learned from me, Marianne. That’s what I have taught my daughter, God help me.’

Marianne gathered her into her arms as if she was a child and Jo sobbed.

‘It’s okay, love, everything will be fine. It’s not the end of the world. Have a good cry; we all need to from time to time.’

Jo felt devastated and a failure as a mother, but it was a relief to have told someone. She pulled back and dabbed at her eyes with the fresh piece of kitchen towel her friend held out.

‘Better?’

‘No,’ Jo smiled. ‘Well, a little. What should I do, Marianne?’

‘How did you leave things with Di?’

‘I told her if she did it again she was grounded until she was twenty-one. I know I should have talked to her but I was so shocked and upset, Marianne, and I didn’t want to treat it as a big issue.’

‘I think you did exactly the right thing.’

‘You do?’ Jo said, not believing her for a minute.

‘Yes, really. If you had sat her down for a heart-to-heart you would probably have scared the living daylights out of her and she’d have started to worry about you and why you were doing it.’

‘That’s true, I hadn’t thought of that.’ Despite Di’s confident exterior, she was soft inside and she would worry. Still, Jo doubted Helen would be so forgiving or Greg for that matter. She sighed heavily.

‘Stop that,’ Marianne told her.

‘What?’

‘Torturing yourself. It won’t help. What’s done is done. Now you must concentrate on what to do next.’ Marianne looked up at the clock. ‘Damn, Dot and the kids will be back any minute. Once Andrew and Kate are in bed we can have a glass of wine and figure it all out.’

‘Oh no,’ Jo grabbed her keys and stood up. ‘I don’t want them to see me; I look a mess. Anyway, I’m driving and Greg will be wondering where I am . . .’

Marianne waved her back into the chair. ‘Phone Greg and tell him you’re staying over.’

‘But I can’t.’ There was the sound of a key in the door and then Andrew’s excited shouts. Jo groaned.

‘Wait here, I’ll head them off at the pass.’

Marianne had a quick word with Dot, explaining that Jo needed to talk, and helped get her children ready for bed, smiling at their excited chatter. It was good to see Kate so full of beans. When she went back downstairs, Dot was there. ‘I’m on the last few chapters of my thriller and I can’t wait to see how it ends so I’ll say goodnight,’ she said.

Marianne smiled gratefully and closed the door after her. ‘Did you call Greg?’

‘Yes, he said fine; Rachel wasn’t impressed, though. She’s not used to me being out for a few hours, never mind overnight.’

‘We need to remedy that,’ Marianne said, pouring two glasses of wine, ‘and once I’m in Kilbarrack and we can get to each other easily on the DART, there’s no excuse.’

She was glad to see that though Jo looked pale and a bit miserable, she seemed calmer; offloading her burden of guilt must have helped. It occurred to her how rarely Jo opened up, especially about herself; why hadn’t she noticed that before? She was so caught up in her own problems she hadn’t realized that her friend was in trouble. She wondered if Helen had.

‘I want to be home before Di wakes, although that’s unlikely to be before midday.’

‘We’ll have you out of here by ten at the latest,’ Marianne promised. ‘It would have been a mistake for you to go home upset; I’d have been worried sick about you driving and Greg would have known something was up. Are you going to tell him?’

‘About me or Di?’

‘Both.’

Jo closed her eyes and gave a helpless shrug. ‘I don’t know.’

‘I think you should; it will be better if it’s all out in the open and you have his support.’

‘I wish I could be sure I’d have it but I’m afraid he will just be disgusted with me.’

‘I’m sure you’re wrong,’ Marianne said, although she wasn’t; Greg did have a tendency to be judgemental. ‘You should talk to your doctor too.’

Jo shook her head. ‘Why would I? It really isn’t a big deal, Marianne, I’m not anorexic.’

‘Bulimic; anorexia is when you just don’t eat.’

‘I definitely eat,’ Jo laughed but it was a resigned, defeated sound.

‘Tell me something, Jo, do you think you’re fat right now?’

‘Not really. I’m heavier than I’d like to be but if I wasn’t puking, I’d be twenty stone; I just can’t seem to resist food, Marianne.’

‘Perhaps acupuncture or hypnosis would help; apparently they can be quite effective for people with eating disorders.’

‘I don’t have a disorder,’ Jo said, looking at her in dismay.

‘No, of course you don’t,’ Marianne agreed hurriedly, ‘but you’re not going to conquer this without help, you must realize that.’

Jo nodded. ‘I know that. I was going to join Unislim. I could take Di along.’

‘Do you really think that’s a good idea?’ Marianne asked; it certainly didn’t seem so to her.

‘I was looking at their website last week and they’re not just about losing weight but about exercise, fitness and changing the whole way that you think about food.’

‘That does sound good,’ Marianne admitted.

‘Only I’d hate to run into any of my neighbours or some of the school mums at a class; I’d die of embarrassment.’

‘You don’t have to go to a class in your area. Oh, I know, you can go to Dot’s class!’ Marianne was thrilled with her idea.

‘I live in Shankill,’ Jo protested.

‘As you keep pointing out to me, that’s no distance on the DART and the community centre is right beside the station.’

‘I’m not sure,’ Jo dithered.

Marianne sensed her friend’s discomfort and realized she couldn’t push her too hard. ‘It’s just a thought. Dot seems to have a great time and there are women of all ages.’

‘I’ll think about it but right now I’m more concerned about Di. What will I say to her, Marianne?’

Marianne took a sip of wine as she tried to imagine herself in the same position; what would she say to Kate? ‘I think you need to be completely honest with her. Tell her what you did was silly, stupid and that you want to get fit and healthy and start to eat better; you could even ask her to help. It would be an indirect way of bringing home to her the importance of a balanced diet and exercise. If she’s already worrying about how she looks, then it would be good to nip it in the bud.’

‘You may be right,’ Jo said, looking thoughtful. ‘Di would love the idea of her mother coming to her for help.’

‘Then why not give it a go?’ Marianne topped up their glasses.

‘Okay, I will,’ Jo said, and there was a more determined look in her eye.

‘Does that make you feel any better?’

‘Yes, but I’m still disgusted with myself.’

‘We all make mistakes, Jo, we’re all fallible. The last few weeks I have got it so wrong with Kate and Andrew.’

‘That’s not true, Marianne, they’re fine; I think you’ve coped brilliantly.’

‘I haven’t coped as much as muddled through.’ Marianne thought of her children, Barbara, her baby, the missing money . . . She felt exhausted as she listed the things on her mind. But she felt better now, thanks to Rob. She still couldn’t believe that he was back in her life. She looked over at Jo and smiled. ‘You’ll muddle through too and I will help in any way I can.’

‘Thanks, Marianne, you already have. And I will do something, I promise. Not just for Di’s sake, I have to think of Rachel too. Imagine if she saw her big sister making herself sick? My God, how could I live with myself if she went the same way?’

‘She won’t and Di will be fine too; she wasn’t doing it because she hated her body, remember, she just wanted to look nice for the party. Once you get her onside, she will become a great role model for Rachel. You said yourself what a strong person she is.’

Jo actually smiled. ‘Yes, she is.’

‘And you really should tell Greg; it seems wrong to exclude him.’

‘I know,’ Jo said, looking guilty, ‘but I dread how he’ll react.’

‘He may be angry or upset at first but once he gets over the initial shock, he’ll be fine. He’d do anything for you and the girls.’

Jo didn’t answer for a moment but then, with a less than convincing smile, she sat up straight and nodded. ‘Yes, of course he would.’

Chapter Twenty-three

Helen watched Johnny leave and wondered for a moment if she should follow him, but she dismissed the thought as quickly as it had entered her head. What was the point? If he was seeing someone and that someone was Marianne, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. The thought of him kissing another woman’s lips and caressing her body made her feel sick. The fact that it might be Marianne was just unbearable. Perhaps it was all just her imagination. Maybe the relationship was completely innocent. It made sense that Johnny was spending a lot of time with Marianne given all that was going on. She had been the one to ask him to look after her friend, she reminded herself. But she had watched him grow more and more preoccupied as the days passed and though he was as affectionate as ever, it was in an absent sort of way; his mind elsewhere. He was also coming home late some evenings or had his phone off when he was out, and his explanations were often vague and didn’t ring true. He still made love to her with passion but not as often, and instead of the long chats afterwards that she loved, he would plead tiredness and turn over.

She paced the house anxiously wondering how she could distract herself. She had already introduced Dot to Brenda and the meeting had gone really well. Dot’s apprehension about becoming a businesswoman was receding.

She could go and check on Jo but when Marianne had called to deliver the latest news, with Jo’s blessing, she’d suggested Helen gave her some space for the moment. ‘She’s very upset and terrified of telling Greg,’ she’d said. Helen wasn’t surprised on either count. Finding your daughter with her head down a toilet would upset any mother and Greg would undoubtedly be furious.

Neither was it a surprise that Jo had driven to Howth rather than Portmarnock that night; she had always been closer to Marianne – wasn’t everyone? Tears filled Helen’s eyes and she dashed them away. She was relieved that she didn’t have to stick to her promise of finding her friend a job at least; she just wouldn’t be up to that. She was stunned to hear that Marianne had secured herself a position so easily and that she’d be working for her tenant; had he fallen under her spell too?

‘Stop!’ she said aloud.

She knew nothing for sure and she was driving herself around the bend imagining various scenarios and all of them based on a hunch and no more. She decided to do what she usually did when she had a lot on her mind: she’d cook. Colm was working hard now in the run-up to his exams and usually only emerged from his room in search of food, so she would cook up a storm for him. That at least would make her feel useful and keep her occupied for a while, and with her hands covered in flour and food cooking on the hob, she wouldn’t be able to give in to the temptation of jumping in the car and going in search of her husband.

Marianne and Johnny sat on a bench in St Stephen’s Green, the sun streaming down on them through the trees, and prepared for their meeting with Eddie Madden. She popped an antacid and automatically passed him one. He chewed on it as he scanned through Dominic’s list of contacts, commenting on some, asking questions on others. She was finding it hard to concentrate as she’d started the day with a phone call from Rob, again. She let her hair curtain her smile; she was finding it hard to stop smiling these days. There had been no opportunity to meet since that lovely day on the canal bank but they’d had several phone conversations and each one was better and longer than the last. Rob was impatient to meet but between packing, meetings with the children’s schools and keeping tabs on Jo, Marianne just hadn’t had time. Her few free moments had been spent with Kate and Andrew trying to rebuild their confidence and reassure them that life would go on as normal, and that there were many exciting times ahead even if Daddy wouldn’t be a part of them.

She’d had a very positive chat with Jane Hunt, the principal of the children’s new school, who had suggested the children come in for a couple of hours during the week; the visit had been a huge success. But she itched, yearned and longed to see Rob and to feel his arms around her once more and his mouth . . .

‘Marianne?’

‘Sorry?’

‘That last number that Dominic dialled, can you call it out again?’

Marianne looked down at Dominic’s mobile phone bill and read it out.

‘No, it definitely isn’t here.’

‘Another one Barbara deleted,’ Marianne remarked. ‘Or maybe it was Dominic.’

‘Either way, there must be a reason. Let’s phone them. We’ll do it from my phone; these could be people who know you.’