Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) (6 page)

I tightened the tie around Adam’s neck as I looked up at him. He hadn’t drank in a week, and he was going back to work. I didn’t know how he managed to sit around the apartment for so many weeks, but I figured he was probably playing music, although I hadn’t seen him play since he almost destroyed his guitar. I blinked hard as another thought rammed into my brain,
or he was so drunk it didn’t matter.
 A part of me was beginning to feel normal again, and I didn’t want to weigh it down with the thought of the fact there was still a chilled bottle of Southern Comfort in the refrigerator door. My stomach tightened as my eyes focused back on Adam. I could still feel the missing pieces of me pulling away as I walked out of our apartment past Bobby’s empty apartment, or down the hall at my work past Tara’s empty cubicle.  When I got home Adam was there with a smile on his face and that helped to make the week feel more manageable.

“I can do this,” Adam said as he touched his forehead to mine.

“That’s the same thing I told myself all day the day I went back to work,” I replied, leaning up on my toes and kissing him.

His hands slipped up to cup my face.“I’m not as strong as you, River.”

“When you come home, I’ll be here,” I replied. A shaky breath rattled passed his lips, and he nodded. “Besides your kids miss you.”

Adam’s eyes moved passed me, focusing on nothing in particular as he nodded again. “I miss them too.”

“See–at least you won’t be stuck in an office all by yourself with a bunch of smelly flowers,” I replied, scrunching my nose as I slipped on my high heels.

Adam’s face paled, and his hand stuck in his newly cut hair. He asked me to cut it short on the sides and leave the top long, and his hands now disappeared in the slicked back top. “Flowers?”

I slipped my hand into his as we walked out the door together. “I asked Principal Michaels to make sure you didn’t have to deal with any of those. You’ll be okay, I promise.”

Adam shook his head as we started down the stairs. “You’re always taking care of me now. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?”

I kept my eyes ahead as my heart hammered against my chest. “It goes both ways.”

Adam smiled as he opened the door, and the winter air bellowed into the warmth of the building. I pulled my scarf up further as we walked out the door.

“I’ll make dinner tonight, okay?” he said, reaching over and rubbing my arm as I shivered.

I smiled up at him, swallowing as my mouth went dry. I didn’t know if he would make it through the day, let alone want to make dinner at the end of it.

“Sounds fabulous,” I replied as I fought the urge to look at the sky and pray it would happen.

“What do you want?” Adam asked as we reached our cars and he turned to face me.

“I think there are some meatballs in the freezer, and I could go for spaghetti,” I said.

“And garlic bread?” Adam added as he tucked my hair behind my ear.

“Even better,” I replied, trying my hardest to keep the fear out of my voice as I glanced up at him.

His eyes were red, and I knew he didn’t sleep much the night before. He leaned down, kissing me before pressing his lips on my forehead. The hollowness flashed in his eyes before retreating as he whispered, “Love you.”

“Love you more,” I replied as I opened my car door and sank into the seat. I waited for him to pull out before shutting my eyes and leaning my head back. I needed to have faith he could do this.

I knew he could.

I opened my eyes and put the car into gear.

I wasn’t sure I could handle it if he couldn’t.

~~~

The first two hours of the day I spent looking at my phone over and over again. Finally, at the third one, I stopped looking, but anxiety continued to play with my mind. My body flushed with heat as I told myself everything was going to be okay. At hour four my body finally relaxed, and I was able to get some work done. I sent the final print files for the restaurant and booked the models for my next shoot. I stood to stretch, looking out the window at the busy Boston street. Three blocks away Adam was busy teaching his students. I smiled to myself as I sat back down, pulling my apple out and biting into it just as my cell phone rang. The song from Fade Burn made my eyes prick as I looked down at the picture of Adam.

This couldn’t be good.

“Adam? What’s wrong?” I asked, and my voice pitched as I looked down at my apple, one bite mark out of it. I swallowed the gritty piece in my mouth, feeling it move down my throat as I waited for Adam to response.

“I…I don’t know what I was thinking,” he said, and I heard him curse under his breath.

“I don’t understand,” I replied, my heart hammering too hard against my chest. I rubbed my hands across my collar bone. He didn’t sound bad.

“I just…I fucked up, Riv. Can you get me?”

“I need you to explain,” I said as the urge to vomit rolled over me as my body went cold. What had he done?

“I brought…” I heard him grit his teeth, and a trash can go skittering across a tile floor. “I drank–not a lot. But…now I’m afraid I smell like booze, and I can’t drive if I smell like booze–but I can’t go back out there when…I don’t…God, I’m so fucked up.”

I pressed my fingers into my forehead. “Where are you?”

“In the bathroom. I dumped the bottle out, but now I still have a bottle. Riv, I don’t–” his voice cracked; “I don’t know what to do. I love my job.”

“Stay there. I’ll pick you up. Make some vomiting sounds intermittently.”

Adam didn’t respond.

“Adam?” I asked.

The line was quiet for another moment before he asked, “Do you hate me?”

“No,” I replied, biting my lip before continuing; “I’ll be there in a little bit.”

“Thanks, Love.”

I nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see it before hitting the
End
button. I closed my eyes, looking up at the ceiling. “Taking Bobby wasn’t enough?” I asked someone I was having trouble believing existed.

I let my head fall into my hands as I took three deep breaths and then stood, grabbing my purse and heading to Jesse’s office. I rubbed my damp palms against my skirt before bracing myself against the door and peeking my head into the room. “Hey.”

“Hi!” he replied, looking over his reading glasses at me. “What’s up? You seem upset.”

“It’s Adam. He decided to go back to work today…and I thought he was ready…” I answered, heaving a sigh; “he just called and…well…he wasn’t.”

Jesse took his glasses off and nodded. “Alright,” he said, cocking his head and giving me one of those looks that said he understood, even when I didn’t say anything. “Don’t take it too hard on him, though.”

“I’ll try,” I said before turning to leave.

“River,” Jesse said, and I looked over my shoulder. “Don’t take it too hard on
yourself
.”

I bit my lip before offering him a pained smile. “See you tomorrow.”

He nodded, breathing through his nose as his eyes raced over me. I turned, staring out the door and my mind flashed to Adam the night Bobby died. Adam’s was arm linked in mine as we walked out these same doors; our laughter bouncing off of the vestibule as he swept me into his arms before racing to the car in the rain. I stood frozen with my hand on the crash bar as I stared at the sunny day outside, a horrible juxtaposition to the clouds in my mind and the tears I felt dripping down my cheeks.

When I got to the school, the kids were still outside for recess. Several of them jumped up and waved as I walked up the steps. I smiled back and acted like nothing was wrong. I was becoming way too good at pretending.

“Hi there, River!” the secretary said from behind her glass. “You know the drill!”

She passed the clipboard, and I shook my head. “Adam called because he’s stuck in the bathroom–sick to his stomach. Do you know if Principal Michaels is available?”

She looked at her computer screen, typed quickly and then nodded. “His office is the first door on the right.”

I was a horrible liar, and I felt my hand trembling as the buzzer sounded letting me know I could proceed. I grit my teeth before walking through and turning to the office where Principal Michaels was opening his door.

“River, nice to see you!” he said.

I raised my shoulders up, nodding up the stairs to where Adam’s classroom was. “Adam called me on his cell phone– he’s not doing too good. It seems I may have brought home the flu going around at my work. I came to pick him up. I hope that’s okay?”

Principal Michaels nodded. “Better at home than sharing it with the kids here. Crazy how these things wipe through places of work and schools.”

“For sure,” I replied.

“Well, the next time I see you, hopefully, it will be under better circumstances.”

“Agreed,” I said. “I should probably get him.”

I turned to the stairs and headed up them, only letting the breath I was holding out once I made it to the top.

He bought it. Thank God.

I headed down the hallway towards the sign for the restroom, and my heels clicked against the marble floors, echoing through the corridors in a way that made the hair on my neck stand up. I always hated it, but at that moment, the noise seemed compounded. I didn’t want to draw any more attention because my heels sounded like a rhino was rampaging in the hallway. I reached the door and prayed it was him in there and not someone else. I gulped in air, feeling it sear into my lungs before I knocked.

“Adam?” I asked.

“Riv?” he replied, and I heard the door unlock.

I stepped into the bathroom and looked at him. His hair wasn’t slicked back anymore and instead fell in his eyes as he yanked at his tie. His hands went into the air, forming fists before he rubbed the back of his neck, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m sorry. I just–“

I shook my head, cutting him off. “Where’s the bottle?”

Adam took it out of the sink, and I put it in my purse before nodding to the trash can. “You’re going to want to put your head in that and make convincing vomiting noises. You already look like hell.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled, and I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Vomiting noises,” I said as he grabbed the trash can and pulled the half-full garbage bag out of it.

I smirked at him.

“What?” he asked as he dropped it on the floor. “I don’t need to actually be vomiting, do I?”

I shrugged, pursing my lips and he glared at me. “Ready?”

His eyes froze, looking down at the empty garbage can in his hands as he licked his lips. “I thought so.”

I squeezed his elbow as I opened the door. A part of me understood. Another part of me was screaming. I was already used to telling it to shut up, though.

I wished I could sleep but I couldn’t. The first few weeks after Bobby left us sleep was the only reprieve from the darkness hanging over me. It had alluded me since I went back to work, though. My mind never seemed to shut off, and if I did fall asleep, I wasn’t able to rest. My dreams were horrible images. I squeezed my eyes shut and my mouth watered with the urge to gag. I planned on working instead of sleeping, but my whole body hurt and I couldn’t stop thinking.

Thinking.

Thinking.

Adam’s not going to get better. Work is going to make this worse.

I rubbed my eyes again as I tilted my head back and let my inhales come one at a time. I felt the eyes on me but stayed the way I was.

“I know you’re not sleeping, River,” Adam said, and his voice sounded raw from his slumber. I listened to his footsteps, counting them and knowing when he would arrive in front of me. “You never sleep anymore.”

I opened my eyes and stared up at him. Behind his frame, I could see the clock on the wall. Three AM.

He was right. I didn’t sleep anymore.

I was a virtual zombie.

And he was a drunk.

I wondered what Bobby would think of the monsters we became in the days following his death.

Forty-five days.

Ten hours.

Five minutes.

Thirty seconds.

“So,” I said, my throat parched.

Adam shook his head before going into the kitchen. I didn’t move as I listened to the sound of the fridge opening, and a bottle unscrewing. My lip trembled as I fought the tears. I counted his steps, expecting them to go to the bedroom and jerked forward as they stopped in front of me again. I looked at the bottle of water he held out to me, and he widened his red eyes expectantly.

“Come on, Riv. I can tell you’re dehydrated. Your lips are cracked.”

“No,” I began, but as I did, I felt the skin tear and blood trickle down the middle of my lip. Adam sat down next to me, handing me the bottle before letting his hand settle on my thigh. I took a sip, licking my lips with the dampness from my mouth. “Thank you.”

He nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose as he opened his mouth, but no words came out. After a moment, he spoke, “Listen, about yesterday.”

“It’s fine, Adam. I know this is hard on you. I know how hard it was for me to go back to work. I imagine it was worse for you,” I said, looking over at him.

He shook his head, leaning on his arms as he looked over at me. His chest rose as he continued. “We need to talk about it, River– or at least I do.” I nodded, and he continued. “I’m not going to make an excuse for my actions, River…” his voice faded, and he sunk back into the couch. “I’m sorry if you feel like you’re fighting this alone.”

I took another sip of the water, holding the liquid in my mouth before swallowing. I looked ahead before draining the bottle and staring at the empty plastic in my hands. I hadn’t said it. I hadn’t even allowed myself to feel it, but suddenly that emotion crashed into me, and I found myself squeezing my eyes shut.

“Do you hate me?” Adam asked for what seemed like the millionth time since Bobby’s departure.

I turned to face him, shaking my head. “No, of course not. I’m just…scared of what we’re becoming–of the road, you’re traveling down. What if you can’t shake this? What if that bottle is the only way out? I don’t know if I can handle that.”

Adam leaned forward putting his hands on either side of my face, and I let my hands settle on his wrists. “I’m trying, River. How long before you give up hope?”

That wasn’t the response I wanted. I wanted him to tell me it was a momentary lapse of judgement, and it wouldn’t happen again. I locked my eyes on him; placing my hands on his cheeks as my thumbs caressed the dark circles under his eyes, and I said the words he needed to hear, “Never, Adam. You’re the only thing keeping me together.”

But now I felt like every part of me was falling apart.

If he couldn’t keep it together, how would I?

How would
we
?