Felix (The Ninth Inning #1) (22 page)

My heart drops. Yet again, baseball is before me. I’m being pushed to the back burner and this time, my therapist is standing next to me witnessing it all.

“Abigail, I’m going to say this again; maybe you should be single for a while and focus on you. You’ve never done that before.”

I nod, but don’t say anything as we climb into her car and she drives me back to my apartment.

When I watch her pull away, my body becomes hot with rage. Pure pissed-off rage, and it’s Felix’s fault. I stomp across the courtyard to his apartment and pound on the door.

When he opens the door, I begin to sob. I can’t stop the tears from coming. “I can’t believe you. Out of everything I’ve asked of you, you fucking forgot, Felix!”

“Abigail, calm down. What did I forget?” He tries to console me by reaching for my hand.

“Don’t touch me right now, Felix. I asked you to meet my therapist and me today because I was going to drive. I stayed up all night worried to death about it. Do you know the only time I felt okay about it was when I thought of you being there for me? I know we haven’t been together long and I know I carry a lot of baggage, but you’ve helped me a lot. Not now. I asked you for one thing. One thing!”

“That was today? I know you told me about it, but are you sure you told me when? I wouldn’t have forgotten something this big, I don’t think.” He looks as if he’s really serious. How could he forget this?

“I did. You said you were busy, but I told you the day and time. I asked you not to forget. You said you wouldn’t, but look at this!” I hold my arms out to show him he forgot me again. “How could you do that? I absolutely one hundred percent trusted you and this is how you pay me back?”

“Abigail, I’m sorry.” He pushes his hand through his hair. “I was in the middle of helping Hector with Blake and I must not have heard when. I’m sorry and hate that I messed up, but it won’t happen again, I promise.” He tries to grab my hands again, but I step back from him. He looks as if I slapped him.

“It’s not going to happen again
to me
. I knew baseball was your priority when this started and you knew I was trying to piece my life back together. Thanks for the help, but don’t bother coming around me again. I need someone I can count on, and that’s not you, Felix. Not now, anyway.” Tamara’s words come back to me. She’s right. I need to find
me
again.

“You are a priority for me. You can count on me, too. Give me another chance, please. I don’t want to lose you because I was distracted during a phone call. I would’ve been there for you no matter what. You have to believe that.” His voice cracks just a little bit and I wipe the tears from my cheeks.

“I do believe you, but I need more than words. I need to fix...well...me. I can’t do that when I’m constantly reminding you I’m important. I love you, but I can’t babysit you. I know that’s harsh and selfish to say, but I need someone in my life who wants to put me first. It doesn’t have to be
all
the time, but certainly the times I need you there. Felix, that isn’t you right now.”

The words are like a running water fountain coming out of me. I just told him I love him, too. Like either of us need the extra pressure.

“With the exception of this time, when have I not been there for you? I don’t always remember things in your schedule, but I’ve been there when you needed me. I haven’t forgotten doing anything with you since my family visited. You can’t tell me you love me and break up with me all in the same breath. Just give me another chance, Abigail. I won’t make the same mistake again.”

“Felix, I need to finally fix me,” I repeat again. “And you need to focus on baseball. We’re in the right relationship, but at the wrong time. I can’t have that right now, and you can’t either. I truly do love you and wish you all the best.” I rush away from him as quickly as my legs will take me, the tears streaming down my face even faster.

I STARE AT where I last saw Abigail, fighting the urge to run after her. Once again, I ruined a great relationship, one that easily had the potential to turn into something long-term. How many more times can I fail at this? How many more times can I disappoint a girl because I wasn’t listening when she spoke or because I let baseball run my life? Maybe Abigail does need to focus on herself and work on herself.

But I do
not
need to focus on baseball.

It’s what got me into this mess to start with.

“We’re in the right relationship, but at the wrong time.”

So, what? If I wait, she’ll come back to me? I doubt she’ll want to do that. I left her hanging in the very beginning, again when my family visited, and once more today. No one wants to deal with that. Despite doing my best to remember everything she told me, I failed epically at the most important thing. If a relationship with Abigail didn’t last, I won’t be able make another one last either. She was the one girlfriend I wanted to never lose.

And now, I have.

My phone rings, pulling me out of my thoughts. I close my apartment door and walk over to the end table where my cell phone is.

“Hey, Mom,” I answer.

“It’s been two weeks, Felix. You were supposed to call me yesterday and you forgot again.”

“No surprise there,” I deadpan, before sighing. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’ve been busy.”

“Too busy for your own mother? What’s going on, Felix?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I tell her as I sit down on the couch.

“Whatever’s bugging you is either baseball or Abigail and since I plan to ask you about both, you might as well tell me now.” When I’m silent, she states, “Something happened with Abigail, then. Talk to me, Felix. I’m sure it’s fixable.”

“No, it’s not.” Taking a deep breath, I recount what happened. “I was only half listening to her, so I didn’t realize I agreed to a time as well. I would have been there for her. This was too important and too big for me to miss, and I did anyway. I deserve to be single for the rest of my life because I don’t think anyone will ever be as great as Abigail and I don’t want anyone else. Even if she wants to get back together in the future, we shouldn’t. She obviously deserves better than me. I mean, I don’t even call my mom when I tell her I will.”

Mom is quiet for a few seconds. “Stop throwing yourself a pity party, Felix. You and your obsession with your career has gone on long enough. There is a fine line between being committed and letting that commitment run your life, which is what you’ve been doing ever since you started playing professionally. You do realize your playing days are numbered, don’t you? They always have been. You need to consider what comes after. Unless you want to be alone and out of touch with your family, then you need to start changing. Baseball gave you a second chance for a good life. Don’t let baseball be the very reason you lose it.”

THE NEXT DAY we leave for another string of road games that last about a week and a half. It’s not until the second game when I close my eyes before a pitch to picture Abigail in efforts to summon a little good luck that I realize she won’t be coming to the home games anymore. As if a preview of what’s to come, we lost the game. In comparison to what I’ve already lost, I don’t really care.

We only lost that once while we were on the road, and now that we are back in Memphis, we have a day off. Sitting in my apartment sucks, so I change, grab my earbuds, and decide to run. When we’re on a trip, I resort to running on a treadmill. I’d much rather run down a sidewalk, through a park, or anywhere else but inside on a machine. The fresh air, albeit humid and hot, fills my lungs and is much welcomed.

On my second lap of my route, I stop short at the sight before me. Halfway down the block at the coffee shop is Abigail and Warren. They are just walking in, so either she’s moved on or they’ve been studying. It doesn’t matter because she’s not mine anymore. Once they’re inside, I start running again, wondering if Abigail will even notice me running past. Part of me hopes she does, part of me hopes she doesn’t.

I end up running three more laps, my legs begging and pleading for me to stop, before I give up for the day. My luck has officially run out. I slow my pace once I reach the complex, finally giving my legs a break, but when I see Warren and Abigail about to approach the same stairs I’m going to have to take, I pump my legs faster to avoid them. I don’t bother a glance their way before I take the stairs two at a time until I reach my floor.

Following my mom’s advice has been harder than I thought it would be. Calling home more regularly I’ve been able to do. But as far as stepping away more from baseball, it’s been hard. If I don’t hang out with teammates, then I’m stuck at home alone. What else am I supposed to do? Without knowing people outside of baseball, I’m kind of limited.

Still, I’ve made changes in other areas. I take more pauses and breaks and pay attention to those around me. I listen when they talk. It all seems slightly pointless to myself because there’s only so much I can do when the only person I’m proving that it’s possible to is myself and my family back in California. But I guess actually talking to them more is good enough for now.

The first home game proves to be one big distraction. LA and Abigail’s seats have Harry and some other guy in them instead. I’m not the only one who notices either.

“Where’s the lucky charm, Felix?” Hector asks.

I’ve been able to avoid talking about her with them so far. “Not coming. We’re on our own. For the foreseeable future,” I add before he can ask.

He nods. “It’s a good thing we have talent, then.”

Abigail is on my mind the entire game. I miss her like crazy. I think I even miss her sisters, too. Although, I’m sure if I were to run into LA, she’d inflict physical harm. The thought makes me smile as I drive home and stays as I take the stairs up to my floor. When I glance up at whoever is making their way down, the smile fades.

Warren.

God, what is he doing here this late? Is he— No. I stop the thought before it goes any further. I don’t want to know. I give him a nod and continue on my way.

“Warren, wait!” I hear the voice I’ve missed terribly.

As if this couldn’t get any worse.

Abigail’s step falters for a second when she sees me, but luckily, I get to turn and head down the hallway toward my apartment. As I change for bed, I can’t help but think that maybe I should consider moving. I can only take so much of seeing Abigail and Warren together. I can only take so much of seeing Abigail, hearing Abigail. Besides, out of sight, out of mind, right?

Doubtful.

Abigail might as well have moved into my mind with how often I think about her. She’s made herself a nice little permanent home there. My best hope is that she’ll fix herself and forgive me.

“IF YOU DON’T talk about it, then I can’t help you.” Annie pushes the piece of chocolate cream pie in front of me.

“I don’t know anything anymore.” I take a bite of the creamy deliciousness. “I miss him a lot. It almost killed me not going to the game that night. Plus, I’ve seen him around the complex. I want to run up and hug him, but I can’t do it.”

“Why?”

“He forgot me. He said he was going to be there for me, and he wasn’t.”