Finding Amy (5 page)

Then, as I stared at the mountain it seemed to take on the shape of a wall, an insurmountable wall.  Christ, I hoped it wasn’t an omen, because right now I didn’t have a clue about what to do.  I thought about Dad and my brothers and wished I could talk with them.  She would have to see a doctor.  But would she?  I’d have to make her do it, if I wanted to save my marriage.  Hell, if I wanted to make a marriage.

Thoughts of her mother brought some clarity.  I understood now why she had been so pure before the marriage. There had been other signs now that I looked back on things.

It dawned on me that she never called me by any term of endearment, no honey or dear.  She had said she wanted to marry me, but she seldom said she loved me.  When she did, it was only in response to my declaration of love for her or if I asked her if she loved me.  Damn, what I fool.  I had allowed myself to be blinded by love, to be led by my cock.  I wallowed in self-pity for a while.

Then, my normally optimistic nature kicked in as I remembered that she did conquer her fears and defy her mother enough to marry me.  Maybe in some crazy way she really does love me.  Surely a doctor could see her through this and everything would work out okay.  After all, we’re young.  We have a lifetime ahead of us.  I did plenty of thinking before greeting the first rays of dawn and falling off into a fitful sleep.

I woke to the sound of the shower.  She was already up.  I ran my fingers through my hair as I sat up.  Damn, what was I going to say to her when she came out?  Poor Amy must be thinking the same thing.  I was probably the last person she wanted to see this morning.

For the next ten minutes I debated about what I should do.  After I donned my shirt, I almost left to get some coffee.  But the silence in the bathroom had me unnerved and I couldn’t make myself leave.  I was about to rap on the door to check on her, when she emerged looking as fresh as a new rose and twice as beautiful.  I blinked at her composed and calm appearance.  I began to wonder if last night had been a bad dream.  Her words brought me back to the dark reality.

“Danny, if you want to go home now and have the marriage annulled, I’ll understand.”

I was unable to breathe.  The room echoed the quiet.  We stared at each other for what seemed an eternity before I managed to croak out, “Is that what you want?”

“I deceived you.  I had a feeling that I had sexual … ah … problems, but I was hoping that by being married I could overcome them, because I really do love you.  But, my fears and inhibitions are too great.  Last night made it apparent I can’t … can’t.”  Her eyes teared.  “You were cheated.”  Surprisingly, she found the courage to keep looking at me as she made her confession.

My brain was in a whirl.  Did she really say she loved me?  I took a breath and felt my heart jump.  She did love me; I knew it.  I took a step toward her, but she took a step back.  Memories of last night flooded back as I asked; “If you knew you had these fears, these inhibitions, why didn’t you see a doctor before we got married?”

“I thought about doing that, but mother said my feelings were normal and that men were just naturally disgusting.”  At this point, she dropped her eyes and continued.  “And she was right about the way you acted last night what with all the yelling.”

I walked out onto the balcony and looked at the insurmountable mountain.  What should I say?  Should I leave it that way and admit what I fool I had been?  She came and stood at the railing a few feet down from me.  He scent drifted over and reminded me that despite everything I still loved her.  I needed to find the right words.  I turned to her.

“You know Amy, your mother could be wrong.  She may not love you and be looking out for you happiness so much as trying to control you.”  She didn’t even try to refute my suggestion.  “I guess the ball is in your court.  You’re going to have to decide which one of us you trust the most.  If it’s your mother, I’ll agree to the annulment and take you home today.”

She wet her lips and looked out at the mountain as I went on.

“But, if you love and trust me, I would like to try to make this work for us.  We’ll get counseling together and try to work through your problems.”

She faced me again.

“It’s up to you, Amy.  You need to think about it carefully.”  I reached out and touched her chin.  “She tensed, but did not move away.  “But remember, I love you so very much and I truly believe that we can get through this and make our marriage work.”  I stroked her cheek before turning and going in to take my shower.

When I came out, she was sitting on the sofa.  “Danny, I’m going to need time to think.”

“I understand,” I agreed. “I’m going out by myself for a while.  I need to sort things out in my mind too.”  She nodded as I told her when I’d be back.  “I’ll meet you here this evening.”

She stood as I opened the door. She managed a slight smile. “This evening.”

*****

I roamed the island, mostly the beaches for the rest of the day.  My common sense said, “Run Danny, just run and keep running.”  Then my heart would speak.  It said, “She needs you.  Don’t let her go back to her mother.  She won’t have any life at all in that case.”  In the end I decided I’d take her back to Texas and try to work things out.  That is, with her agreement.  But, she had to agree to get some counseling.  I began to feel better.  I’ll get her around normal people like Phil and Pat, Mom and Dad and good old Tom.  It’ll work out.  At least, I hoped it would.

She was waiting when I got back to the hotel around seven.  “You’re back earlier than I expected.”  She looked up from a book she had been reading.

“I was worried about you.”

She remained seated on the sofa as she looked up at me.  “I’m fine, but I had a very soul searching day.”  I noticed a cart with the remnants of her dinner and a bottle of wine.  I poured each of us a glass.  After handing one to her, I nodded for her to continue and sat on the other end of the sofa.

“Danny, I’m not sure I’ll ever change.”  I closed my eyes and listened.  “But, if you’re willing to give it a try, than so am I.”  I took a deep breath and opened my eyes as she continued.  “I’ll stay with you if you want me to.  We can see a doctor together.”  I smiled and reached out for her hand.  She let me hold it as she continued.  “But, only on the condition that you won’t touch me …,” she looked at the bed and then back to me, “or expect anything for awhile.”

I continued to caress her hand.  Both my mind and my heart were screaming.  “Run!”  “No, stay.”  I listened to my heart.

“I’m glad Amy.  We’ll leave tomorrow morning.  We can be back in Texas by tomorrow night and see the doctor as soon as possible.  Doctor Andrews has been our family doctor for years and he’ll know what to do if anyone does.  I won’t touch you until you ask me to.”

Her eyes registered surprise and concern.  “Texas?”

“It’s the only way.  It’s my condition for this arrangement.”  I released her hand, stood and walked to the balcony door.  “You see Amy, truthfully speaking, I want to keep you as far away from your mother as I can until we get things straight.”

She looked frightened.  “But they have excellent doctors in Boston.  They would probably be more knowledgeable about these things than a country doctor.”

“Texas.”

She met my eyes, took a deep breath and nodded.  “Alright, Texas it is.”

*****

We were a completely different couple on the plane headed to Texas.  I was uncharacteristically quiet and moody.  She was more talkative and friendly now that she knew I wasn’t expecting any wifely affection from her.  It was as though a load had been lifted from her.  Underneath my annoyance I still held out hope that we would in fact work things out.

My folks were surprised to hear we were coming back so soon, but only Tom made any comment.  He picked us up at the Houston airport.  After we got Amy seated in the cab of his pickup, he helped me stow our luggage in the truck bed.  He put his hand on my shoulder.

“Moving mountains, little brother?”

I looked at him in question.

“You’ve got that look in your eye like you’re trying to move a mountain.”  He was serious.

I nodded.  “Thanks, Tom.  It’ll be okay.  We’ve got some adjusting to do, but we’ll be okay.”  I tried for a smile, but knew it came out in a grimace.

He didn’t smile.  “Danny, let me know if I can help in any way.”

I nodded.

“I mean it, Dan.”  He gave my shoulder a quick squeeze before dropping his hand.

“I know you do and I appreciate it.”  I touched his forearm briefly.

As we climbed into the truck, Tom tried to ease the obvious tension with his usual corny wit. “Well, beautiful,” he said to Amy, “I tried to ditch him so I could get my beautiful sister-in-law alone and show her that she picked the wrong brother. But, seems my brother is crazy about you and doesn’t trust me alone with you. Dang! Here I drive all this way to pick him up and all I get is grief.  How do you put up with him?”

Amy smiled, but made no comment.

“Oh, I see.  You two are going to stick together.  Just for that, you have to listen to my latest tape.”  With a snap he pushed the cassette in and out blared Credence Clearwater.  Soon we were all singing along and having the best time I’d had in weeks. In between listening to his array of tapes, Tom managed some light banter that made the trip to Sparta almost pleasurable.

He dropped us off at the only motel in town.  I knew my mother was not happy about it, but I knew Amy would be more comfortable.  I smiled to see my pickup truck parked outside one of the rooms.  Tom said Dad and Phil had brought it over.  Tom unloaded the luggage and left right away to pick up his date for the evening.

I didn’t want to see anyone so we ordered Pizza for dinner and ate it as we watched the fuzzy picture on the motel television.  The twin beds were reassuring to Amy, but they appeared to be laughing at me with their gaily-colored spreads.  It was an early night for both of us.  I didn’t sleep much and I got the feeling she was awake most of the night too.

*****

After breakfast at the local diner, I called Dr. Andrews.  I told Jenny, his nurse, that it was something we would like to keep private.  She said to come in at five that very afternoon.

The office waiting room was empty when Amy and I arrived.  Jenny came out to meet me with a hug and a warm handclasp for Amy.  She congratulated us, then teased me by asking how on earth I had managed to catch such a beauty as we were ushered into the doctor’s private office.  I had a feeling she had an idea of what was going on and was trying to relax us.  I had known her all my life, but had never fully appreciated her caring demeanor until now.  She stayed and chatted until Dr, Andrews appeared in the doorway before excusing herself.

He echoed her congratulations and commented on what a lovely girl I had caught.  Amy blushed and fidgeted in her chair.

Once the doctor was seated behind his desk, he became serious.  His gaze took in the both of us as he asked, “Well now.  What seems to be the problem?”

“Amy and I have been married since last Saturday and she’s still a virgin,” I began.  I described the first few days of our honeymoon as my wife sat mute and let me do all the talking.  I didn’t notice that I was doing the same thing to her that her mother did.  I was speaking for her.  Doctor Andrews let me ramble on.

Occasionally, he would ask Amy directly, “Is that the way it was?” or “Is that how you feel?”

Her answers were always brief, often only one-word.  This was proving very difficult for her.

When I finally stopped talking, Doc eyed us silently for a few moments, then clasped his hands and began.  “I’m sorry that things have been kind of rough for you kids.  You’re right, there are some basic issues here that you’ll both have to address.”  We waited in silence for him to continue.  “If it’s any consolation to you, I can tell you that I have couples come to me from time to time with this same problem.”  I raised my eyebrows in surprise as he continued.  “I must be honest with you and tell you that sometimes we work things out and then again sometimes we don’t.”

“Is there any specific reason some couples fail to resolve the problem?”  I had to ask.

“There’s no easy answer, Danny.  A lot depends on what caused these feelings, how long it took for them to form and most importantly how strong the love between the couple is.”

I reached out and Amy let me hold her hand.  It was sweaty despite the coolness of the air-conditioned room.  “Well Doc, we love each other very much.  That gives us a good chance, right?”

He smiled.  “It won’t hurt.  But you need to understand it may not be easy to find the solution and it’s probably going to take some time and patience from both of you.”  He looked at me directly.  “Danny, I’ve known you all your life.  I pretty well know what makes you tick so I won’t need to see much of you until I have a few sessions with Amy.”  I nodded.  “But I need a promise from you?”

“Yes?”  I had a strong feeling about what the promise was going to be.

“Don’t expect anything from Amy until I talk to you again.  Can you promise me, or rather promise Amy, that you’ll be patient?”

I looked at my wife and squeezed her hand.  “I can be patient.  I can wait.”  I turned back to the doctor.  “You have my word.”