Grimm Tidings: Grimm's Circle, Book 6 (6 page)

An iceberg.

She thought he was an iceberg.

Little fool.

Her mouth was still under his, for the briefest moment. He knew it wouldn’t last long, and he intended to make the most of it. She wanted to wither away and die, did she?

Perhaps she needed to see just how much
life
she still had inside her.

Oh, but she was sweet…he’d known she would be. Her mouth was soft, even though she was still frozen with shock. Soft, and she tasted like soft, warm woman, cherries and Coke… She lived on Cherry Coke, it seemed. He could live on the taste of it on her, he supposed.

Stroking his tongue along the curve of her lower lip, he teased her lips apart, delving inside the second he had an opportunity. He didn’t believe in wasting those.

Her fingers curled into the front of his coat and over the roaring of blood in his ears, he heard the soft, broken sound of her breath…and even sweeter, the erratic beat of her heart. Her body wilted against his—he felt the push of her breasts, the softness of her belly, the long lines of the body she treated so carelessly. There was wanting in her body, needing…she wanted, she needed.
Him
…she wanted
him
.

For that moment—he felt it.

And then he felt her fist.

He took that first punch, staggering back a little. Damn, she was strong. When she would have hit him again, he caught her hand, stopping the blow before it landed. “Don’t,” he warned quietly.

When he saw the tears in her eyes, though, he wished he’d just let her hit him. Pound him bloody if it made her feel better.

“Why did you do that?” She jerked her hand.

Jacob let go, his heart aching.

Her voice was shaking. Fuck, what had he done?

“Why did you do that?”

“You’re not dead, Celine. You need to quit wishing it on yourself.”

But he didn’t think she even heard him. Celine, with a hand that trembled, touched her mouth. “You kissed me. Damn it, why did you kiss me?”

There was no chance for him to answer, because more yelling erupted from the house. Celine’s voice, angry and hurt. And then there was Gavin’s voice, tired…just tired. There was no anger there. No anger, no hurt.

“He stopped loving you, the fool,” Jacob said quietly as she turned toward the sound of the voices. “He gave up on your marriage—a long time ago, but you mourn for that life. A life where he didn’t love you as you deserved.”

“If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t still be grieving for me.”

“Many things inspire grief,” Jacob said, turning to look back at her. The pain in her dark eyes all but put him on his knees. He’d do anything to take it from her. Anything. “Love. Anger.”

He moved to stand next to her and because he couldn’t stop himself, he touched his hand to the dark strands of her hair. “Guilt.”

She flinched.

“He cared for you, yes. But that isn’t love. It is guilt that makes him cling to your memory, Celine. If you would just let yourself look, you would see it.”

Guilt
.

A life where he didn’t love you…

Celine had thought no words cut her deeply, not after the scars she already carried.

But she’d been wrong.

There were still more painful words for her to hear.

They came from the house, and her heart shattered as she made herself hear what might have been. As she made herself accept the death of her dreams.

“It’s over, Celine,” Gavin said.

Although the windows were closed, she heard him clearly, heard the ragged sound of her breathing as her former self fought not to cry. Through the windows, Celine watched them, as they might have been, saw the pain on her face, so starkly written.

And she watched as the woman she had been lifted a hand to her husband and he shook his head, unwilling to reach back.

“Gavin…”

“Don’t.” He shook his head and said it again quietly, “Just don’t. We haven’t fit for a long time and I’ve known it. I just wouldn’t let myself see it.”

He turned to face her. “But we can’t keep trying to make this work anymore. There’s nothing
there
.”

Most of the rest of it passed in a blur.

Celine
heard
the words, she was sure of that.

But they just didn’t make sense. It was like white noise, buzzing senselessly in her mind.

She jumped as the front door slammed and she watched herself leaving the house, watched as the windows went dark. “What happens to me now?”

Jacob’s hand touched her hair and she flinched. She heard the soft, sad sound of his sigh. “For the first few months, you are angry, bitter. Beyond that, I don’t know. I can only see the immediate events connected to what is haunting you. To see more, I’d have to search more.” He paused and then asked quietly, “Do you need to know?”

“No.” She laughed hollowly. “The one thing I needed is lost to me. Nothing else matters.”

Her heart weighing in her chest like a stone, she looked back at Jacob. “And Gavin? What happens with him in this life?”

His lids flickered. Gunmetal gray eyes stared into hers.

But he said nothing.

“Tell me,” she said levelly.

“He moves on.” He looked past her to the house and in a cool voice, he continued, “The man files for his divorce, settles into his new life and lets you go as easily as that. He seemed quite happy.”

“So he forgets about me. I could have lived and he would have been just fine. I died, and he’s miserable. I guess that’s one hell of a way to get back at him,” she said. She shot for wry humor, but failed. She hurt. She hurt so very badly. “Take me away from this, Jacob. I’ve seen enough.”

Chapter Four

Dreams died. Painfully.

Regrets, they lingered.

But the misery that had been her constant companion, to her surprise, slowly eased.

From one slow, sad day to the next. It was no sudden, abrupt, lessening—it was a heavy, crushing weight and she was so used to breathing around it, it took her a while to realize that heavy, crushing weight wasn’t as heavy as it had been.

A song was what made her realize things were changing.

Celine was in the gym Jacob had set up in the basement, lifting weights, when a song came on the radio—one she hadn’t heard in years.

A song she’d once loved.

Then one she’d hated.

She was halfway through a rep when she realized she was absently singing along with the lyrics of “Not Meant to Be” by Theory of a Deadman. Startled, she pushed the weight bar back up and stared at the sprawling entertainment system, her gaze locked on the digital display.

Yes.

That was the song.

She’d heard that song only moments—

Her heart skipped a beat at the memory, but the
pain
didn’t rush up to grab her by the throat. To choke her.

And because she couldn’t stop herself, she thought of Gavin.

This time, she was able to do it without all that rage. Without the bitterness.

“You don’t hurt so much.”

Celine wasn’t surprised to see him there.

He’d appeared in a number of dreams lately—clothing optional in some of them.

Right now, he was dressed and sitting in the chair near her bed. She suspected her mind had conjured Jacob up because she needed to vent. And who better to vent at than him? Or a figment of him, at least. He was the closest thing to a friend she had.

A friend
?

Celine ignored that sly whisper. She needed a friend. That was all.

Drawing her knees to her chest, she stared at him. “I don’t feel as…angry,” she finished lamely. “I don’t know how much of the hurt is going away, but it seems easier.”

“Perhaps some part of you has been preparing for this. You
have
moved on in some ways, because the woman you were that night is no longer who you are.” He continued to watch her in that close, unreadable way, with those unyielding gray eyes.

They no longer seemed as cold as she’d once thought they were, she mused. Just guarded. Or maybe it was just the dream. “If I’ve moved on, then how come it has hurt the way it has for so long?”

“Because the mind, memories, they have great power.” He lifted one shoulder in a lazy shrug, the thin weave of his black shirt clinging to muscles she was suddenly too aware of.

She found herself staring at those muscles, remembering a kiss…and then jerking her mind back to the present when he lifted a brow at her.
Damn it, if I want to ogle him in a dream, I should be able to
. But she couldn’t. Not when he continued to stare at her like that. Even in dreams, his gaze seemed too…penetrating.

She thought about telling her imagination to tone it down, but then she decided—no. He was just fine as he was.

Kicking her legs over the side of the bed, she stood and moved away, staring out the window. It looked out over a lovely yard. There was a pool she probably would be here to use once the weather warmed up. Spring was moving along nicely and the bursts of flowers she could see cropping up here and there made her smile. She’d always loved flowers, loved to spend time in her garden, although it had never been as nice as this. “Do you know, I’ve been cold since I came over? But not lately. It doesn’t make sense.”

“You’d cut yourself off. Emotionally. Physically. Perhaps it was just a side effect.”

In the window, she could barely make it out as he shrugged.

Was it as simple as that? Some weird psycho-babble crap and now that she was letting go, she could feel again? Had she basically castrated herself in all ways?

Yes
. There was no secret to that.

“May I ask you something?”

Turning, she studied him. Hell, it was just a dream—
her
dream. So, in essence, he was just her subconscious. Why was she asking herself permission to ask a question. “Shoot.”

“Do you still love him?”

“Gavin…” Sighing, she looked down at her hands, frowning as she realized she was standing there in tap shorts and a skinny-strapped tank top. She started to blush. “A dream,” she whispered. “Just a dream.”

Scrubbing her hands over her face, she said, “He was my husband for nine years. We were together for three years before that. He was there for more than half my life. How can I not love him?

“Although…” She lowered her hands and shot him a narrow glance. “
You
say I don’t still love him, don’t you?”

“I said…there was love, and there is
in
love.”

Yes. That was what he’d said. Right before he’d kissed her. Swallowing, she turned away. “He was such a huge part of my life. Of
that
life.”

“Yes. So you still love him.”

“He’s part of the life I let go.” She rubbed the heel of her hand over her heart and then looked back at Jacob. “But yes…I still love him. I can’t let go as easy as that.”

“Here we go again.”

Celine pulled the bladed staff Jacob had given her a few months earlier out of her coat as she followed him into the warehouse. It was crowded in there—a rave. Another one.

This was the third time they’d hit a rave in the months since they’d settled in Cincinnati and each time, they’d found a number of parasei working the crowd.

Whispering their sly little whispers, they made their circuits, planting their seeds.

Some of the people—older teens and young adults—brushed them off. Others seemed to stand there in a daze, like they weren’t quite sure what they were hearing, weren’t quite sure if they liked it or not.

“Keep that out of sight,” Jacob reminded her.

She rolled her eyes and muttered, “Yes, sir.” She frowned and watched as a young woman tried to get her boyfriend’s attention. The woman wanted to leave. The guy didn’t.

“Just leave him,” Celine whispered, hoping the girl would do just that.

She was startled when the girl abruptly did
just
that, dropping the guy’s arm and storming away.

“At least she’s got a brain.” Celine looked away only to find herself the focus of Jacob’s attention. His eyes were narrowed speculatively on her face.

“What?”

“You did that,” he said quietly.

“I did
what
?”

“She heard you.”

“Whatever.” The music in there was pulsing and loud, so loud that had they been human, they would have needed to
shout
to be heard. “She can’t even hear herself, much less
me
.”

“Hmm. She did
hear
you.” He looked out over the crowd and then nodded toward the bar where the crush of demons was a little less. “Focus on another. Watch. Just don’t waste the energy on somebody who’s already been pulled in. They need…more.”

“Yeah, they need you and your voodoo,” she muttered. Making a face at him, she eyed a big, heavily muscled young guy who looked like he should be a on a football field or something. He had a worried look on his face as he stared out on the dance floor, and it only took a few seconds to see why. He was staring at a girl, girlfriend probably, who was dancing with another girl—except that girl already had a demon in her.