Handful of Heaven (14 page)

Her senses honed to his every movement in her kitchen. She heard the rasp of the utensil drawer being opened. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had served her something to eat.

He removed foil from the plates he’d brought. “Is Alex ready for graduation?”

Somehow she found her voice. “He’s ready. I’m not. It’s a good thing I’m so busy. That way I can’t think too much about what it’s going to be like when he’s gone.”

“Believe me, you’ll have plenty of time once he is.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” Her confession felt as dark as the night shadows, and she wished she could take back the words.

Evan turned, as if to come to her in comfort. Too overwhelmed, she slipped into the shadows on the other side of the counter. He studied her for a minute before going back to his work. “That’s why I care about you so much, Paige. You deeply love your family and the people in your life.”

She recognized the shadowed pain in his eyes, because it was so much like her own. “I guess we both know how important that is.”

“It’s everything.” He slid two cups of tea across the counter. He said nothing more as he turned to fetch the plates he’d brought.

Paige took one look at the roast beef sandwiches on thick wheat bread and her jaw dropped. He was busy at the microwave and when she leaned across the bar chairs to hit the switch for the overhead track lighting, she caught the aroma of split pea soup. Sure enough, when the machine dinged, he withdrew a bowl of the thick, fragrant soup and fished through the drawers for a spoon.

When he returned, he swung into the bar chair across from her. “Is there anything else I can get you?”

“You could get me a time machine so I could propel myself into the future.” She reached for the nearby paper-towel roll and ripped off two sheets.

He took the paper towel she offered. “Sorry, I left my time machine at home.”

She folded her paper towel and laid it in her lap. “Maybe after the meal we could go over to your place so I could borrow it?”

“Why do you want to go back in time?”

“If I could, then I’d have my books done and I could put my feet up and not move for the rest of the evening.” She bowed her head and said grace before she dipped her spoon into the hearty soup. “This is really good, Evan. Did you make it?”

“My grandmother’s recipe. I have a few secret recipes in my family, too.” He’d only made a half sandwich for himself, and he bit into a corner of it.

“This hits the spot. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was. Thank you for being so thoughtful.”

“I aim to please. It’s the least I could do for all the times you’ve brought me a meal.”

“That was at my restaurant and you were a paying customer.”

“Well, I appreciate it.” He grinned, emphasizing the dimples that dug into his lean cheeks.

His jaw had darkened with a five o’clock shadow, and Paige fought the urge to lay her fingertips there and feel that wonderful, manly texture. There were so many things she wanted to know about him. He obviously cooked. Did he like cooking? What did he do with his evenings? She wanted to know everything about him.

“If I really did have a time machine, I don’t think I would use it.” Thoughtful, Evan stirred more sugar into his cup of tea.

“There’s nothing you wouldn’t change in your life?”

“No. I
should
want to go back to college and instead of proposing to Liz, I would break up with her. That would have saved me major heartache. But if I hadn’t made the choice to marry her, then I never would have had my boys. Having them to raise was worth anything.”

There was no mistaking Evan’s love, and Paige understood what he meant. Romantic love had brought her nothing but pain in the end, but it had also given her Alex. “My son is my world. Even when he moves away, I’ll have had eighteen years with him. The best years I have ever known.”

“The years ahead will be as good. Different, but good, too.”

Emotion clawed to life in her chest, and she grabbed her tea, hoping the soothing hot liquid would calm them. But no such luck. She drained the cup, fighting down something she couldn’t name that felt surprisingly like panic. She needed the seventeen-year-old pain that still darkened her heart to have never existed. And how was that possible? She wouldn’t have the best blessing in her life without her greatest heartbreak.

“Let me refill that for you.” Evan was up and taking off with her cup before she could think to stop him.

Now there’s a change. She remembered Jimmy and how he’d never thought a man’s place was in the kitchen. Oddly enough, he was the day-shift cook at the diner but when he came home, he expected to be the king of his castle. And that meant she was the maid, the cook and everything else. It was strange to see a man looking at home in her kitchen, as if pouring tea and stirring sugar and cream into the cup was no big deal.

He set the cup into its saucer with an easy smile. “Why do you look so sad?”

“Oh, it’s because I don’t like bookkeeping. It bums me out and that makes me remember things best left forgotten.”

“I had a lot of those things, too. Things that are better off buried from the light of day.” He returned to the bar chair beside her, moving slowly, as if he felt her sadness. “I would never have come here and brought you a meal if I knew it reminded you of your ex.”

She closed her eyes against the past and the pain. It was over and done with; she’d let the wounds heal and went on with the demands of her life. “You don’t remind me of Jimmy at all. He never would have brought me a cup of tea, let alone made sure I had supper after a long day on my feet.”

“What on earth could be more important to a man than his wife?”

How could he be real? He had to be a figment of her imagination. A piece of fiction projected like a movie in front of her. He said the right things. He did the right things. He was everything he was supposed to be, but she’d believed in a man once who had seemed so strong. Who had seemed like everything she’d ever prayed for in a man.

And now she had no excuses. No man had ever measured up to her ideal, and she believed that no man ever would. So that made it easy. She didn’t have to risk. She didn’t have to trust. She didn’t have to put the most vulnerable parts of herself on the line.

She didn’t know if she ever could.

“It was nice that you came over. And this meal. This is the nicest thing a man’s done for me. Really. Evan, I truly like you, but I don’t have time for this. For dating and as much as I want—” Oh, she couldn’t finish that one. Time to think before you speak, Paige, or you’ll be spilling your heart to this man. Evan was a good man, but he was still a man. She couldn’t allow herself to look at him and see eternity. She leaped to her feet in panic. “I’ve got to get back to work. Let me rinse off your plates.”

“Leave it.” He sounded harsh. He stared up at her as if thunderstruck.

She’d hurt him. She didn’t want to hurt him. “It’s not you, Evan. I just—” She couldn’t finish the sentence or the thought. What she wanted rang in her heart.
I want you.
But what she wanted was a good, decent, unfailing man. And few men were like that.

In a flash, her mind leaped back in time. She shook as images of late-night fights flashed through her mind. Wee hours of the night when she’d been too exhausted and stressed and miserable. When she’d managed to get the baby back to sleep—
again
—and Jimmy still wasn’t home.

Worse images of what had happened when he did come home, drunk and in a mood. He would start in on her, yelling and criticizing, angry that everyone and everything else was more important to her than he was.

“I’m just trying to pay the bills, Jimmy,” she’d tell him. “We need to pull together, not apart.” But there was always something that kept their world off kilter: Ben being dragged in by the local sheriff, Amy suspended from school, the baby was colicky again and the endless demands of the diner. It
was
all work and no play. But that was life, right?

It was not the life Jimmy wanted. Paige knew she was a decent and hardworking woman, but she wasn’t enough. She wasn’t prettier, more interesting, and, as time proved, she wasn’t enough to love. He’d gone outside their marriage, he’d cheated, and he’d had fun, as he told her on their last day as man and wife. His parting words replayed in her mind as they had a thousand times since that heartbreaking night. “The only special thing about you is that you can work. You’re useful, but what man would really love you?”

She was terrified that if she risked so much of her heart on Evan, one day he would finally get to know the real her.

And think the same thing.

So, what did she say to Evan? He’d come here with his caring and his heart and his thoughtful meal. She wanted…it didn’t matter what she wanted. She swiped the bowl beneath warm water and scrubbed it with the pre-soaped scrubber she kept on the back of the sink. The running water drowned out the sound of him moving toward her. The wild thumping of her heart drowned out the sound of him moving away from her.

When she shut off the water, he wasn’t at the door. He was putting her untouched sandwich on a plate he’d found in the cupboard and wrapping it in cellophane. His movements were deliberate and confident. “I’ll leave this for later. You may get hungry after you’re done figuring out your books.”

“Or need consolation only good food can provide.”

With a nod, he placed the wrapped plate into her refrigerator. The dependable line of his shoulders and the straight plane of his back blurred as she dried his bowl and handed it to him.

“Th-thanks.” The words came out stilted and resonating pain. She winced. She didn’t want him to know that his kindness was hurting her. Because he was the wished-for dream she’d stopped believing in long ago.

He placed the bowl with his plates into the grocery sack and rolled down the top. “When I give my word, I mean it. When I give my heart, I give it completely. And just so you know, I don’t scare off easily. Good night, pretty lady.”

With a lopsided grin that was at once both serious and charming, he walked out of her house and into the night.

T
he shrill ring of her bedside phone woke Paige out of a dreamless sleep. Confused, she groped in the dark for the phone. Her hand hit something hard—not the phone, she realized too late as it hit the floor. Probably her devotional.

The receiver rang again and she snatched it up, her thoughts coming at the speed of light. Alex was downstairs asleep in his room. Amy and Heath had stayed home tonight. That meant something was wrong with Ben. He’d been shot in combat again? Her pulse fluttered with fear.

Or what if something had happened to Rachel’s husband, who was also on active duty? “Hello?”

“Paige?” It was a man’s voice she recognized, but she couldn’t place it. She sat up in bed as he continued. “This is Cam Durango.”

The sheriff.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Her mind groped at the possibilities. Amy was pregnant. Had she been rushed to the hospital?

“It’s the diner. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but it’s on fire. My deputy was driving by on patrol through town and saw the flames. He called the fire department and started in on fighting it—”

“I’ll be right there.” She slammed down the phone before she realized she hadn’t let the sheriff finish. A thousand unasked questions zoomed through her mind. She was suddenly awake and moving too slowly. She couldn’t seem to move fast enough. She pulled on last night’s jeans and sweater.

“Mom?” Alex was bounding down the hall when she stumbled through her bedroom door. His hair stood up on end and his dog ran along at his side. “What’s wrong? What can I do to help?”

“I need you to stay here. It’s the diner. It’s on fire. The sheriff said—”
It can’t be on fire.
It seemed unreal to be shrugging into her jacket so she could drive to town and watch her diner burn. She wanted to offer up a prayer, but she didn’t even know what to pray for.

“Mom? I’m driving you.” Alex took her keys from the hook above the entry table. He’d already jabbed his bare feet into a pair of boots by the door. He grabbed the door and his coat at the same time.

His hand at her elbow felt steady and strong. Her boy was turning into a fine young man. She let him lead her outside, leaving the dog behind to whine. It seemed just like a nightmare as she settled into the passenger seat of her SUV and waited to see smoke and flames.

She wasn’t disappointed. As they rolled down the deserted street into town, she saw the smoke cloud blotting out the constellations. The acrid scent filtered into the vehicle as the black ribbon of the street led them to the strobe of sirens. A fire tanker from Bozeman was pulling in beside the city and county vehicles. Flames writhed like orange monsters, giving eerie flashes of illumination into the burning building.

This was no dream. She gripped the seat belt like an anchor. There was a horrible thundering sound and men’s voices rose in alarm. A split second later, the roof crumbled into the ruins of the diner, and fire surged up into the night sky like rockets.

Tears blurred her vision as she watched the building that had been both burden and blessing burn into ember and ash.

Although her back was to him, Evan recognized Paige in an instant. Even with his eyes closed, he felt her nearness in the deepest places of his heart, as if she were the reason it beat. He pocketed his truck keys and hurried down the sidewalk, past the grocery and across the street to where she stood at the barrier a few yards from the fire trucks.

She looked defeated, Evan thought as he hopped out of the truck and onto the blacktopped street. She looked beaten, and he hurt for her. With her. He hated how her head bowed forward and her shoulders drooped as if she’d lost her best friend. He knew what that diner meant to her, her great responsibility to her family, and as the building rubble burned, he knew she felt as if she’d failed them. He knew because he could feel the heaviness of her emotions in his chest. He felt the black void inside her as if it were inside himself.

I love her.
The simple fact didn’t amaze him. He knew the fall had been inevitable. It had only been a question of when. As he crossed the last yard of distance that separated him from her, he had to hold back the fierce need to make her world right. It was all he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

The last steps he took toward her were certain. Unwavering. He laid his hand on her nape. “How can I help you?”

The muscles beneath his touch tensed even more, but she didn’t jump. As he thought, she’d sensed his approach. “What about that time machine? I could really use that right now—”

There was no mistaking the anguish reflecting darkly in her eyes. Before he could answer, her sister did. Amy stood huddled against her husband’s side, her face streaked with tears. “This isn’t your fault, Paige. Stop second-guessing yourself.”

“I don’t remember if I double-checked my night list. I had a lot on my mind. I could have left the fryers on. I could have—”

“You never forget anything. Stop torturing yourself. Please.”

Paige’s tension surged through Evan as she turned to face him. Soot streaked her beautiful face. “Evan, it’s two-thirty in the morning. You should be home in bed. Why? Why are you here?”

“I got a call from your son.”

“Alex? What was he doing calling you? I sent him home. It’s too bad he’s not still here, or I’d make him apologize for disturbing you—”

“Disturbing me? No! I’m here because I care about you.”
Because I love you,
he wanted to say but he wasn’t ready. But he already knew he
was
ready to be the man who stood beside her through this. The man who was never going to let her down. “I’ve told you before. I’m not the kind of man who bails. So what if it is two-thirty in the morning? I’m tough. I can handle it.”

Evan’s hand settled against the small of her back, a steely comfort so wonderful, she was afraid to accept it for fear that comfort would vanish. She didn’t want to feel that harsh sting of disappointment when she found out Evan was just a man, after all, used to taking and not giving.

Not every man is like that, Paige, you know that.

She did; but the heart had no logic and fear had a life of its own. She stepped up to the barrier, trying to trust the steady pressure of Evan’s hand on her spine and his iron presence at her side as he followed her.

Some of the firemen were leaving. The Bozeman department began to roll up their hoses. The flames were gone, and only the glowing embers within the black rubble seemed to be left to deal with. The local department appeared very busy. The wind changed direction, and the acrid-scented air thickened.

“I’m glad you’re here, Thornton.” Heath, Amy’s husband, met his gaze over his wife’s head. “I want to get Amy home, but Paige—”

Evan nodded, and a moment of understanding passed between them. Paige was a strong woman, but she was also vulnerable. She needed care. And he was the man to do it.

After the sisters said goodbye and embraced, he watched in silence as Paige turned away from him. She wrapped her arms around her waist, as if she had no one else to hold on to. “You should go home, Evan. It was good of you to come, but there’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing anyone can do at this point.”

“No, the fire can’t be undone.”

“Some things are so devastating, the damage can never be undone.” She sounded hollow.

He knew she had to be in shock. To her, the diner wasn’t only a building made of wood and drywall, he knew, it meant so much more. It represented an important part of her past. Her parents had run the place. It was also her future. She had to have been counting on it as her livelihood for the years to come.

He could feel the pain rolling through him as if their hearts were connected. This was something he’d never felt before. Something he’d heard about from Phil and Marie and some of his friends at the office, a special God-given connection that was rare and wondrous.

Love in all its forms was a blessing, but this, he realized, was extra special. Like a piece of heaven brought to earth just for the two of them.

Her hands were ice when he cupped them. “You’re not alone, Paige. Remember that.”

“I can’t even think about what this means. The twins. They need the job to stay in school. And Jodi, my morning waitress? She’s been with me since we both were in high school. What’s she going to do?” She wrenched her hands from his and covered her eyes. She wasn’t crying, but the agony reflected in the tight line of her jaw said everything.

He tried to imagine the woman he’d been married to caring so much about other people, but it was difficult, for she’d been so concerned in looking out for her own interests that she’d even neglected their sons. But Paige was the exact opposite. She was giving and loyal and strong. She was everything he admired and respected in a woman.

If he made a list and wrote down on a sheet of paper every trait he’d hoped for in a wife, the kind he could trust with his life and his heart, she would meet every criterion. But being with a woman in a long-term relationship was about more than admiring her good traits. Much, much more.

And that emotion sang through him, like a hymn coming to life in a quiet sanctuary. Love. The real kind that filled a man up and wasn’t whole until it was given away. Rare, pure tenderness swelled in his soul until he couldn’t breathe, until he couldn’t think, until all he could see was Paige. Paige, who was hurting. He wanted to ease her pain. He wasn’t going to let her stand alone. Not tonight. Not for the rest of her life.

“Evan. Paige.” It was Cameron Durango, the town sheriff and captain of the volunteer fire crew. He swiped the soot from his face as he approached the temporary barrier. “We’ve got the fire out. It’s a total loss, as you can see. I am sorry.”

“Do you know what started it?” Her voice trembled as if she were afraid of the answer.

Evan curled his fingers around hers. She needed him, and he would be here for her, now and always.

Cameron shook his head. “Not until the county fire marshal comes to take a look at it. I’ll tell you this, though, it didn’t start in the kitchen. The worst damage is in the wall by the electrical panel. My best guess is that a short in a wire started this. I’ll be in touch tomorrow. You might as well take her home, Evan.”

“No, I want to stay—” Paige began.

Evan tightened his hold on her. “Cameron’s right. There’s nothing you can do, baby. Not until the ruins cool down.”

“The ruins. My diner is in ruins.”

He wanted to protect her; he wanted to take care of her. He wanted her in the most fundamental ways and the most emotional. “Thanks, Cam. I’ll take her home.”

As the fireman moved away, Evan pulled his beloved to his chest and held her. She was trembling, as if from more than the chill night. As if from more than fear at the uncertain turn her life had taken. When the right time came, he would reassure her. He wasn’t going anywhere; he’d stand by her. He would move heaven and earth if he had to, if only to make sure she was well and secure.

As he led her to his truck, his grip was constant devotion that kept her from stumbling when she tripped. He opened the passenger door, and the dome light spilled over her like a blessing. She was a light that hurt his eyes to see, and yet he could not look away. He took a ragged breath, finally squeezing air into his lungs. What did a man do when he was struck so hard? When love rendered him powerless?

When heaven was within his reach right here on earth?

A man stood tall, that’s what he did, to protect and preserve this rare gift. Tenderly, he helped Paige into the truck and pulled the seat belt for her. She looked too dazed and exhausted to do more than offer a quiet thanks.

“Any time, gorgeous.” That made her smile, if only a watery weak one, but it was enough.

He could feel the change in his spirit like calmness coming to this turbulent night. Committed love filled him, slow and steady, and he knew, from this moment on, his life would be devoted to her, come what may.

*

Paige covered her face with her hands and closed her gritty, burning eyes. The truck bounced along the ruts at the end of her driveway and eased to a stop in front of her house. Alex had left the porch light on, which broke the endless blackness of the night, and she gave thanks for her fine son, who was already such a reliable young man. He’d been wonderful tonight, taking charge and taking care. He’d called the rest of the family. His only mistake was in calling Evan Thornton.

What was she going to do about Evan? She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes as he killed the engine and switched off the headlights. He sat straight and tall behind the wheel, moving with a masculine confidence as he unbuckled his seat belt and reached for her hand. His touch was as warm as comfort, and there was something awesome about him, and it broke her heart.

She wished she
could
rely on a man, one who would never let her down again. Evan was a steadfast man. She admired him. She respected the man she’d come to know, but the future was an uncertain place.

And trusting a man enough to really love him, trusting him enough to let real, true love happen, was a complete risk.

Don’t do it!
every instinct within her warned as she opened the door and climbed out into the cool night. She shivered, but not from the wind. She felt broken, as if something within her had crumbled to ashes right along with the diner.

It took her a moment to register that Evan’s steps sounded behind hers on the concrete walkway. “Go home. It’s late. You have work tomorrow.”

“No way. I’m not going anywhere until I know you’re all right.”

Please, don’t be wonderful to me. It would make it too hard to resist placing her trust in him completely, and she couldn’t do that. She felt battered and lost and vulnerable enough that she would reach right out to him and let him into her heart. And she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t risk that.

As she opened the door, she blinked against the blinding light and wondered where her defenses had gone. The iron willpower she’d used to stand on her own two feet for seventeen long years seemed to have crumbled.