Heart's Paradise (22 page)

It felt weird hearing someone else outside of her mother claim a part in what made Sarah so special. Cybil had mentioned Sarah pursuing her singing, but Phoebe had shot the idea down. Outside of singing in the shower, Sarah didn’t have much interest in it. Phoebe wouldn’t push her into a career she didn’t like.

Her mother was back on tour, in New Zealand now according to an email Phoebe had gotten from her. After her initial look of shock when seeing Jonathon and Sarah together, she’d blessedly remained mute about it. Phoebe guessed she was waiting for her to come clean on her own time which Phoebe was grateful for.

Sarah came in for her goodnight hug and kiss from Phoebe. She said goodnight to Jonathon as well before retiring. Jonathon rose and shut Phoebe’s bedroom door, sealing the two of them inside. It made her heart rate jump, and she almost told him to leave it open.

He took the chair. “So Heart is a little unusual,” he said. “I haven’t seen it spelled the way it is.”

“Cybil had her last name legally changed to Heart. It sounded more rock ‘n’ roll-ish I guess.”

He grinned. “What was it previously?”

“Honestly, Czerwinski. It’s Polish.”

“Ah, I see. Are you close with your grandparents?”

Phoebe fiddled with the blanket. “No, Cybil had a falling out with her parents. I’ve never met them. Last I heard they lived in Florida.”

Jonathon’s smile faded. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Silence settled between them. She watched him from the corner of her eye. God, he was gorgeous. It wasn’t fair he should be so attractive.

She did a subtle sniff test, hoping she didn’t stink. She hadn’t had a proper shower or bath since before the island. Sponging off wasn’t the same, and she never felt completely clean. Plus, the cast had a lingering weird odor.

It doesn’t matter if I stink, she reminded herself. Outside of assisting her to the bathroom, he wasn’t close enough to matter. Not to mention, during their island stay, soap and deodorant hadn’t been available. Not that Jonathon had ever actually stank.

She let out a sigh, and feigned a yawn though she was anything but sleepy. She’d suddenly grown embarrassingly horny.

Jonathon stretched and stood. “Yeah, I need to be hitting the sack too. Goodnight, Phoebe.”

He stared down at her, his eyes molten.
Kiss me, please.
He stepped close as if reading her mind, standing by the bed, his gaze hot as it searched her face then lingered on her mouth. His hand lifted and he cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking over her bottom lip. She sucked in a shuddering breath, daring not to close her eyes. If she closed her eyes, she’d be a lost woman.

“Angel.” His voice sounded husky, ragged, and it sent the venom of awareness through her bloodstream. Despite the pain in her leg, her pussy grew tight.

A quick glance to his crotch showed the bulge of his cock. He was as aroused as she was. She couldn’t do this, not with the confusion over him and Sarah’s relationship. She needed to keep her distance. She needed—

His lips were on hers. She moaned and opened to him without a second thought. The kiss was urgent, forcing her mouth open, taking her tongue with his. He made a rough kind of love to her mouth. Kissing, nipping, sucking, nibbling, making use of lips and tongue—all the things her leg cast kept her from experiencing fully. All the things he’d done to her pussy with his mouth.

Then he broke away and stepped back. She sucked down gulps of air.

“I should…” He wiped a hand over his mouth. “I should go to bed.”

He reached down to adjust his cock beneath his fly and left the bedroom, leaving Phoebe a huge wreck.

“What am I doing?” she whispered aloud. The last thing she needed to do was let sex cloud her judgment.

Chapter 23

Jonathon hadn’t thought a domestic lifestyle would suit him—cooking, cleaning, driving Sarah to and from school. He’d become a househusband in the week and a half he’d spent at Phoebe’s. And he loved every moment of it.

Phoebe seemed withdrawn after their kiss. She still didn’t trust him, or his motives. He missed the simplicity of the island. They’d had to focus on the basic needs of survival. Though at the time he’d thought it’d been a battle both with the island and between them, it didn’t come close to what he faced now. Life had always been simple for him, but this…this was an incredibly complex thing to deal with.

He was becoming comfortable in the new role he’d taken. Maybe a bit too comfortable, and he worried what might happen if he said the wrong thing, or made the wrong move.
Like kissing her.
If Phoebe suddenly kicked him out and forbad him contact with Sarah he wasn’t sure what he’d do.
Fight for shared custody.

Jonathon would respect Phoebe’s wants to a certain point, but the one thing he couldn’t walk away from now was his daughter. He helped her with homework, listened as she went through practically every minute of her school day. He knew the teachers she loved, the ones she thought unfair. He knew all her friends, and he knew her secret crush. “He looks like Mikey Mike,” she’d whispered to him after he’d picked her up from school a few days before. The boy had a mouth full of braces, and outside of a similar haircut, Jonathon didn’t see a resemblance.

Already, he wanted to introduce Sarah to his whole family. Sarah’s gregarious nature would fit in perfectly with the rambunctious group. Holidays, birthdays, everyone laughing and talking over one another. The daydream brought a soft smile to his lips as he watched Sarah work through her math. They’d moved a small table and chair into Phoebe’s room so she could share in some family time. It’d been Jonathon’s idea, an attempt to get her used to the idea of him being there.
Because I’ll be here indefinitely?
Leaving scared him, but so did staying. He’d been so sure he wasn’t the settling down type, but now his old wants warred with his new needs.

Despite the emotional distance Phoebe tried to put between them, Jonathon was growing fond of spending quiet evenings with her. Old married couple evenings parked in front of her television. Sometimes he’d even read the paper, all he needed was a pair of reading glasses and a pipe to make the picture complete. They’d chat about Sarah, national news, opinions, and views. Jonathon discovered they shared many similar ideas on important topics, while he enjoyed the debate on the things they disagreed on.

Later, after Sarah had gone to bed, they fell into one such debate.

“I’m sorry, that’s wrong. Disgusting,” Phoebe said, scowling at him. “I can’t believe you’d support such a skewed view on something so important.”

“Hey.” Jonathon lifted his hands. “I’m standing by this.”

“You are so wrong.” She snorted, folding her arms over her chest. “I’m not even sure I want you in my home now.”

“I tell you, anchovies are
not
bad on pizza! Have you ever tried them?”

“Pizza is entirely too good to have something so stinky and gross on it.”

Jonathon laughed. “You sound like our daughter.”

She stiffened, and the smiling light left her eyes, replaced by wariness. It took a moment to realize what he’d let slip.

“She is our daughter,” he said in a low voice.

Phoebe lifted her chin. “Right now she is my daughter. I haven’t decided if I should trust you yet.”

His anger flared, but he kept a level head. “What do you need me to do, Phoebe?” he asked in a calm tone. “What do I need to do to prove I’m worthy enough for Sarah?”

She stared at her fidgeting hands. “I don’t know yet. Give it time.”

It’d been almost two weeks since he’d arrived. Waiting on her, doing everything he could to earn her trust. He’d never been a patient man, and he felt he’d been a saint with all the waiting. “I haven’t pushed things, I’ve kept well within your boundaries. Phoebe, I’d really like to introduce her to my family.”

“Not yet,” she said. “It’s only been two weeks, Jonathon.”

“What about over the holidays then, or we could throw her a birthday party?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know how I feel about you taking her off to meet a bunch of strangers.”

“They aren’t strangers, they’re her family.”

He watched her grind her teeth. Why was she being so difficult? Why couldn’t she see what had to be written all over his face? “I’d want you to be there too.”

Her gaze shot to his. “Why would you want me there?”

“Because I love Sarah and I love you…” He trailed off. The words had slipped out easily enough, but he hadn’t comprehended the impact they’d have on Phoebe. She gawked at him, eyes wide, and her mouth opened and closed as if she couldn’t find a response.

Suddenly he was very uncomfortable. He’d never been one to hide his emotions, he’d never felt it necessary. Expressing love was a simple and expected thing in his family. He sat back in his chair and stared at the wall, letting it sink in. Loving Sarah was easy and natural. Loving her mother on the other hand...he hadn’t seen that coming. Being fond of her yes, attracted to her, of course. Not just love but
in love
?

“Think about it, okay?” he finished.

Phoebe continued to stare at him like he’d grown a second head.

He rose, bid Phoebe goodnight, and retreated to the living room. He sat on the sofa in the dark. He did love Phoebe Heart. He’d loved her since they’d shared the sinkhole. He’d loved her since they’d first made love on the island. Years before he’d been in a long-term relationship while living in London. He’d been in love then, but it didn’t feel nearly as incredible as what he felt for Phoebe. A humbling mix that left him a mess, so he rose and paced the room.

Was it too soon? No, something like love worked in its own timeframe, he realized. Trying to reason with it and force it into an appropriate set of days didn’t work.

After a sleepless night, he found Phoebe with red-rimmed and tired eyes. She gave him a sad look when he walked into her bedroom, bringing her a cup of coffee.

“I want you to leave,” she said, after taking the cup from his hand. “You’ve been here long enough.”

He blinked, shocked. “Why?”

“Because.” She licked her lips and swallowed. “Because I have Sarah to think about, and she’s grown really attached to you. I’m not comfortable with it.”

“No, Phoebe.” He dropped to his knees next to her bed, begging her, and he knew how pathetic he looked.
But I can’t lose her. I can’t lose Sarah either.
The life he’d lived the past two weeks had fulfilled him in ways he couldn’t begin to comprehend. “Please, hear me out.”

He heard the toilet flush. Sarah was up. He got to his feet in case she burst into her mother’s room.

“You can take Sarah to school. I’d rather not bother Barb this early and Sarah has several tests today, so she can’t skip classes,” Phoebe said in a flat voice. “I’ll call Barb and let her know you had to leave. I’ll be on my feet soon anyway.”

He felt like he was turning inside out. Was this rejection? God, it hurt in unimaginable ways. “I-I can’t leave. Not now. I’m just getting to know Sarah.” Phoebe couldn’t take away what had become so important in his life.

“She’s getting attached to you. Eventually you’re going to return to Texas, and back to your old life. What can we offer you, Jonathon? A life in the wilderness. Homework, dirty dishes, and school functions? Is your lifestyle something you can give up forever? Can you pack up your life and move here with us? What would your family say?”

He wanted to say yes he could pack up and move, but the affirmation stuck in his throat. Sarah sang along to the radio, getting ready for school, while tears streamed from Phoebe’s eyes. He rubbed a hand over his hair, suddenly frightened. The walls were closing in, and he couldn’t breathe. In the back of his mind he’d played with the idea of Phoebe and Sarah moving to Dallas with him to be near his family. All of them lived within hours of one another. He realized the selfishness of expecting them to leave their lives behind to fit into his.

“You say you love me,” Phoebe continued. “But I’m not like the other women you’ve dated. I have a daughter, and I have huge responsibilities. I can’t be a casual fling. I can’t be someone you have in your life only until someone flashier comes along. Sarah and I require forever, can you understand that?”

Forever, such a huge word to fit into one short lifetime. He heard Sarah run down the hall for a bowl of cereal before school. Sarah and her trusting nature and open heart. Sarah who absorbed the world around her like a sponge, both the good and bad. Would he fight for her? Would he upend Sarah’s life for visitation rights, or would he simply vanish from her life and upend his own? Children are resilient, he thought, they easily forget. He never would though.
God, what a fucked up mess.

“Do you love me?” he asked, because he’d become a masochist, knowing whatever answer she had would tear him apart.

“I do love you, Jonathon,” Phoebe said quietly. “But you still have to go.”

In that suffocating moment, he understood what a broken heart felt like.

Chapter 24

Two months had passed since Jonathon had left her home. Phoebe’s leg had come out of the cast and she did a halfway decent job of hobbling around on crutches. Two months of hiding her heartache from the world. Two months of fielding questions from her daughter about when Jonathon would return. When she’d explained never, Sarah had cried the rest of the day. As if Phoebe’s heart couldn’t break enough.
It’s my fault she’s hurting, I did what I feared Jonathon would do—I broke her heart. It’s all my fault, but what can I do?

Then Sarah had asked her the hardest question of all after the first month had passed. One night when she’d tried to cheer her daughter up with a pizza party in Phoebe’s room. Like the one Jonathon had thrown for her.

“Is Jonathon my dad?” Sarah had asked while picking at a slice of pizza.

The question had come out of the blue. Phoebe had stared at Sarah in shock.
How is it possible she’s so perceptive?

“What makes you ask that?” Phoebe had stumbled through her own question.

“My friends showed me the episode of
What’s New In Gossip
with me and Jonathon in the hospital,” she replied. “I don’t know anyone else with my eye color. And you said my dad lived far away, and Texas is far away.”