I am America (and so can you!) (76 page)

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Hey, advertisers, why pay $2 million dollars for a 30-second Super Bowl spot, when you can pay considerably less for an ad here? Think about it.
Seriously, keep

Are you still thinking about it?

thinking about it.

COCKFIGHTING:
There’s an easy way to tell which came first, the chicken or the egg: Attach a cockspur to both of them and let them fight it out. My money is on the egg. Those Grade A Jumbos have a lot of attitude.
A good cockpit is

If you are lucky enough to get into the sport of cockfighting, I recommend
a cross between a

Thunderdome

fitting your cock with a Mexican straight blade. It’s a much quicker and cleaner
and a bucket of

KFC Snackers™.

kill. The Filipino curved blade is just cruel.

FYI:
Due to a last-minute bidding war, this chapter is now called:
78

T H E K R A F T

Seven Seas

Creamy Italian

Please refer to it accordingly.

FIGURE SKATING:
Figure skating—including individual and pairs, but excluding ice dancing, figure skating’s gay cousin—has everything I could possibly wish for in a sport. Speed, beauty, smooth jazz, sequins, and the chance that someone could at any moment obliterate every tendon in their knees. While it is true that certain Soviet and Chinese people frequently outdo Americans at this sport, that’