Jolt! (17 page)

Because our brains don't discriminate between emotions that are real or imagined, fear can dominate our lives and is just as devastating as physical injury.

For the most part, fear is nothing but an illusion. When you share it with someone else, it tends to disappear.
—MARILYN BARRICK, PSYCHOLOGIST

According to a 2004 article on “Conquering Our Phobias” in
U.S. News and World Report
, some of the most famous people throughout history suffered from serious fear, many just like those listed above. Napoleon Bonaparte was crippled by ailurophobia, the fear of cats. Queen Elizabeth I is said to have been terrorized by anthophobia, a general fear of flowers, and she particularly feared roses. Howard Hughes was nearly paralyzed by mysophobia, a fear of germs; and Edgar Allen Poe, Harry Houdini, and Adolf Hitler were claustrophobic.

Even the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, experienced agoraphobia, a fear of crowds and public places.

Although anxiety issues and phobias affect millions of Americans, most of us would deny dealing with any overwhelming fear and rarely consider it a serious problem. But truthfully, many small fears hinder us on our journey toward change, and unless we face them, we'll never fully reach our potential. Perhaps you don't even consider what bothers you a fear. Perhaps it's just a feeling or situation you avoid or leave to others. Whatever it is, the way to overcome the issue is to recognize it as fear and make a decision to change.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

Fear of speaking in public?

Being able to lead discussions, conduct workshops, make effective presentations, and speak to employees is a critical skill required for leadership. Overcome your fear by taking a public speaking class, volunteer to be a discussion leader on your team, or offer to lead the next brainstorming session. I also suggest spending time with people who are good at public communication. Run your questions by them, get their advice, or ask them to coach you in public speaking.

Fear of failure?

This fear is amazingly common in workplaces across America, and it keeps millions of people from achieving their potential. Look closely at the real impact of failure's actual consequences, and you'll often laugh at its power over you. So what if you make a mistake during your presentation? Chances are, no one is going to shoot you. So what if you miss the mark on the project or make an error in your calculations? We all want to be perfect, but the fact is, we're all flawed.

In reality, the irrational fear of failure and refusal to embrace mistakes creates far more mistakes in the long run. When people won't face the possibility of having made errors, they often refuse to have someone else check their work or ask for help reviewing a project. As a result, they make more poor choices and mistakes, which continue to feed their insecurities.

Fear of not being good enough?

My wife grew up in a home where, after the untimely death of her younger brother due to a heart condition, few things she ever did were good enough. Her parents were wonderful people who didn't know better, but they placed expectations on their only daughter that a normal child could rarely fulfill. Her parents held Robby up as the ideal child, and everything Kathleen and her older brother accomplished was compared against the impossible standard of Robby. Growing up, they became all too familiar with lines like:

“Robby would have never done that.”

“Everyone loved Robby. He got along with everyone.”

“Robby was so much more disciplined than you.”

Like many parents in this situation, they weren't intentionally trying to hurt Kathleen or her brother, but they recalled a perfect (if inaccurate) picture in their hearts and minds of their son who had died, and Robby became the ultimate example of the perfect child.

Years of hearing those comments created insecurities in Kathleen, and in spite of the fact that she is an accomplished actress, teacher, wife, mother, and partner in our company, it took her a long time to overcome the fear of not being good enough and a need to compare herself with others.

Just as Kathleen discovered about her life, you
are
good enough. I once heard an old gospel preacher shout, “God didn't create no junk!” He's right. You have talents, gifts, and abilities like no one else on earth.

Like your fingerprint, you are unique, different, and exceptional. It's not about
being as good
as others; it's about
being different
from others. Stop spending so much time comparing yourself to others, and spend your time discovering your unique gifts and talents. You were born for a purpose, and that purpose may be unlike anything you've encountered before.

Fear of not being accepted?

Fear of not being accepted is one of the great causes of loneliness. It's been said that the Internet has made this the most connected generation in history, and yet the loneliest. Tonight millions of people will go home to an empty apartment, eat dinner for one, and climb into bed alone. Even surrounded by a crowd, many people feel completely isolated, like an island in the middle of a vast ocean. Novelist Thomas Wolfe called it the central and inevitable fact of human existence.

The most important key to being accepted is to accept others. When you allow others into your private world, you'll discover that they will often welcome you into theirs.

Insecurity is another critical issue related to fear. Just as my wife has wrestled with insecurities resulting from her past, millions of others experience crippling insecurities that hold them back from reaching their real potential.

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.
—HAROLD WILSON, BRITISH PRIME MINISTER

I've been to meetings filled with experts in a particular area with which I was unfamiliar. Looking around the room, I hoped they wouldn't ask me a question or call on me to address an issue, because I knew I'd look like a complete idiot. In a similar way, traveling to other countries might make you a bit insecure—particularly when you don't even speak the language well enough to ask how to find a restroom.

Those types of minor insecurities happen all the time and are a normal part of living.

Many people, however, are trapped in a self-imposed prison of deep insecurity. Insecurities are particularly damaging because they eat at your self-esteem. They destroy your confidence by making you feel stupid, incompetent, or embarrassed. People like this can't be taught, accept honest criticism, or grow. The very thing they often need the most is usually the last thing they are willing to do because they are terrified to let anyone actually know they might be less than perfect.

Insecurity is the feeling that you're never good enough to confront challenges and opportunities, makes you feel helpless in the face of problems, and tells you that you're incompetent to accomplish a particular task. You feel unaccepted, disapproved of, and rejected.

» MILLIONS OF PEOPLE SUFFER FROM INSECURITY, AND IT CAN BE A DEVASTATING FORCE THAT DIVERTS GOOD PEOPLE FROM THEIR POTENTIAL AND WREAKS HAVOC WITH FAMILIES, RELATIONSHIPS, ORGANIZATIONS, AND COMPANIES.

Hollywood is rampant with insecurity. I worked with a television producer who was so insecure about being in charge, he refused to take any ideas or suggestions from anyone. He was terrified that if he took advice from someone, they would think he was an incompetent leader. The fact is, one of the characteristics of great leadership is taking advice and counsel from a number of sources.

Had he listened to the writers, directors, and others who surrounded him, he would have been highly successful, but he preferred to isolate himself and eventually went out of business. His insecurity drove him to become exactly what he feared the most—incompetent.

Insecurity is what keeps people from admitting mistakes because they're horrified that someone might think they're unintelligent. Some even go to huge lengths to cover or hide errors, to the extent that I believe the beginnings of many corporate scandals has been driven by insecurity and fear.

» THE PARADOX OF INSECURITY IS THAT IT DRIVES PEOPLE TO THE VERY PLACES, SITUATIONS, AND EMOTIONS THEY ARE DESPERATELY TRYING TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

I urge you to take a serious look at your own life. Truly insecure people are often the most difficult to reach because they are so desperate to cover up what they feel are inadequacies and failures. No one is looking, and the only person who will benefit from this is you. Take a moment and consider if you have insecurities in your life.

As with many other issues in this book, I urge people who struggle with serious insecurities to find professional help through counselors, doctors, or pastors. But for most, here are some immediate suggestions that can help you begin to overcome insecurity and start the journey toward confidence and change.

OVERCOMING INSECURITY

Be willing to take a risk.

Yes, you might be hurt or embarrassed, but so what? To overcome insecurity and gain confidence, you need to allow yourself the freedom to take a chance. Realize that your behavior is alienating your closest friends and damaging your relationships and career. Start writing that book you've always dreamed about. Take music lessons. Speak at a conference. Buy that dress. Host a party. Take a risk, because a risk often comes with great rewards.

Learn to laugh at yourself.

Insecure people are so
serious
all the time. Lighten up and develop healthier attitudes. Stop your obsessive need for approval and acceptance, and learn to laugh at your mistakes. We're all human, and it's time to stop taking yourself so seriously. When you do make a mistake, be the first to make fun of yourself. You'll often find people are far more supportive than you think.

Start thinking realistically.

The best way to stand up to your fears and doubts is by approaching life from a more rational and realistic perspective. You aren't the center of the world here, and your little mistakes just don't mean much in the bigger picture. Besides, as you'll learn later in the chapter on failure, mistakes can be a much better teacher than success, so enroll in the class of life and start screwing up!

Reward yourself for the little victories.

When you finish your workout routine, reward yourself. When you successfully complete that big project, reward yourself. When you can take good advice or correction without feeling angry, reward yourself.

Jolt your security blanket and realize it's not about you. The very people you lash out at and hurt may be the same ones who are trying to help you the most. You are valuable, talented, skilled, and your worth is immeasurable. Stop looking at yourself through broken glasses and see yourself with 20/20 vision.

When you can do that, your insecurity will be replaced by a vibrant confidence in yourself and in your future.

REVIEW
Jolt Your Potential

List areas where you can begin to personally grow, then answer the following questions.

1. How can I begin? (Examples: purchase a teaching series, books, magazines, classes, etc.)

2. In what areas can I be more creative?

3. What aspects of my career need more creativity?

4. What areas of my life and career just don't make sense? Can I embrace that ambiguity and move forward?

5. Where can I give? (List charities, church ministries, social or community causes, humanitarian outreaches, and other areas where you can give your time, your money, and your expertise.)

JOLT
YOUR
HEART

» JOLT #16
BUILD A MOTIVATION MACHINE
Personal Cheerleaders Can Make a Powerful Difference

I always wanted to be somebody. If I made it, it's half because I was game enough to take a lot of punishment along the way and half because there were a lot of people who cared enough to help me.
—ALTHEA GIBSON, AFRICAN-AMERICAN TENNIS CHAMPION

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
—AUTHOR UNKNOWN

A
disrupted world has revealed a tidal wave of critics. The rise of instant information has resulted in an overflow of nasty web-sites, A celebrity tell-all blogs, and corporate whistle-blowers. On April 16, 2009, the national news broke the story that Domino's Pizza was taking a serious public relations hit after some of its employees posted videos of themselves on YouTube doing some pretty disgusting things in the kitchen of a Domino's restaurant in Conover, North Carolina.

Actually, I saw the videos, and “pretty disgusting” might be an understatement.

In the traditional business world before the digital age, the response would usually be “No response.” In those days, companies could wait out the storm and ignore the small blip of bad PR, even if it had been picked up by the evening news. Containment usually meant “ignore it and it will go away.”

But in the online 24/7 connected world of text messaging, e-mail, Twitter, and Facebook, where bad news travels instantly and online videos can reach millions overnight, “No response” is the worst response of all.

Within hours, Patrick Doyle, president of Ann Arbor–based Domino's USA, in a two-minute YouTube video
produced by the company
, apologized to customers for the incident involving the two workers in North Carolina. Doyle said the company would be reviewing its hiring practices and that particular Domino's facility “has been shut down and sanitized from top to bottom.”

BAD NEWS TRAVELS FAST ON THE WEB

Through various blogs and YouTube, the offending employee videos had been viewed by millions of people, and the situation was rapidly becoming a powerful yet tragic example of how social media can potentially tarnish a longtime brand virtually overnight. Immediate polling indicated the company's brand equity was dropping quickly. They were simply on the wrong end of a digital storm—a spontaneously formed online mob who rapidly shared information.