Lethal Temptations (Tempted #5) (36 page)

I told Connie she was
crazy
.

Lacey was just feeling some girl shit for my vice president.

She was a typical girl with a crush.

What the fuck did I know about any of that?

Nothing.

I knew nothing.

But I know what it is to be manic-depressive. I know the villain that lives inside my head, someone I call my maker.

And I know that motherfucker well.

So does Connie, she’s the one who pleaded with me for years to get help. I ignored her then just as I ignored her now when she told me she was concerned Lacey may be manic. I blew her off, told her she couldn’t blame my illness on everything wrong with the world.

I didn’t want to believe that I could be the reason my daughter lives in eternal darkness, the lights were already turned down for one kid and as fucked up as it sounds, at least he was at peace.

Lacey doesn’t know peace.

And I know what that’s like.

Hearing her say the words, watching the pain in her eyes as she introduced me to her maker made it real and broke every chamber of my heart.

As a parent we want what is best for our children. We want to give them a shot at life, one we weren’t granted…at least that’s the kind of parent I tried to be to Lacey. I wanted to protect her from the evil. I tried so hard to keep her away from my club. I thought that shit was evil and destructive but, all the while she had evil and destruction living inside her head.

Lacey lives and suffers with a mind that feeds her uncontrollable temptations, forcing her to swallow what she knows and believe the doubt that her maker inflicts. She can be happy for a little while but then her mind takes over and shatters her happiness by making her think it wasn’t real or she didn’t deserve it.

She crashes and when she does all there is darkness.

And a bottle of lithium.

Or in her case nothing.

Connie had called me earlier in hysterics and after listening to her plead her case I went downstairs and stared at the photos that covered my walls. I slowly removed one of the frames and stared at the gaping hole in the wall, a reminder—I’m a manic depressive and I waited too long to get help. A hole that mimics the one left behind when my son left this world.

Jack I’m telling you, she’s not right. I know the signs I lived them—with you. You need to talk to her. Please. You’re the only one who can help her.

I called Mack, and he told me Lacey was at the cemetery. I knew then that Connie was right. I don’t know why, but in my heart I knew there was something wrong with our girl. I wasn’t prepared to find her sobbing, blaming herself for Jack’s death. I wasn’t expecting to hear her tell me she was in love with Blackie.

But the thing that killed me was when she finished my sentences.

She confirmed my nightmare.

Then my precious girl told me it wasn’t my fault.

But it is.

If I didn’t have this shitty illness, she wouldn’t either.

I gave it to her.

And now I had to make it better.

I had to help her find her sunshine and pull her back from the darkness.

I had to protect her from her maker.

Because being her father meant being her protector, the one person who was never supposed to hurt her.

I’d make it right.

I walked over to her car, opened the door for her and took her hand as she climbed out. Connie opened the front door, instantly grabbed Lacey and enveloped her into her arms.

“I’m okay,” Lacey assured her mother as I followed them into the house, closing the door behind them. Connie’s husband, Rob, rose from the couch and extended his hand.

“I’ll give you guys a minute,” Rob offered.

Rob’s been good to my daughter, treated her like his own and he earned my respect. I shook his hand, gripping it hard.

“You’re as much a part of this as the rest of us,” I told him. “Stay.”

I felt Connie’s eyes on me and turned my head so our eyes locked.

“Lace, give us a minute,” I requested.

“So you can talk about me and make decisions for me? I’m an adult you can’t do that. I have as much— “

“So I can apologize to your mother,” I interrupted.

“Jack, you don’t have to apologize,” Connie whispered, wrapping her arm around Lacey’s shoulders as she stared back at me.

I held up my hand and shook my head, stopping any further words from spilling out her mouth.

“I should’ve listened to you then and now,” I asserted. “Maybe things would be different.”

“Or maybe they wouldn’t,” she said. “No one knows better than you and I, sometimes you don’t get a choice, sometimes there’s a bigger plan.”

I stared into her eyes, bloodshot and full of unshed tears and swore to myself to take the pain away from her eyes. I put that pain there, all those years ago, when the lines on her face weren’t yet visible and before we leave this earth and are reunited with our boy, I will take that pain away.

“Got a chance this time to make it right though,” I rasped, reaching out and taking Lacey’s hands, pulling her out of her mother’s arms. I bent my knees, stared into her eyes and hoped she’d find the will reflected in my eyes. “Say your peace and say it loud, give your truth to your mother and let us help you.”

Lacey stared back at me, her lip trembling as she breathed through her mouth.

“It’s okay,” I whispered. “You’re going to be okay but to get better you have to accept it. You need to say it out loud and not be scared or ashamed.”

She nodded as she took my hand and turned around to face Connie.

“I need help,” she admitted, hesitantly. “Because there are times, more often than not when I can’t control my thoughts, when everything I think I know is ripped from me and I can’t make sense of it all anymore. I have tried to; I swear I’ve tried…but I’m so tired of fighting with myself. I just want to be normal but I’m scared,” her voice trailed off as she cried along with her mother.

She diverted her eyes to mine.

“I’m scared the medicine won’t work and that I’m stuck like this. I’ve known for a long time there was something wrong with my head but I never said it out loud. If I go get help and it doesn’t work there is no hope so, I fight and I hold off because I’m not ready to live the rest of my life knowing I’ll never be happy…truly happy. I’m silent because in silence there is hope.”

“Look at me,” I said, grabbing her shoulders. “I’m your hope, okay? When you doubt yourself and your ability, you look at your old man and know there’s a hope. A bastard like me doesn’t deserve peace, but I got it, and I’m hanging onto it. You, Lacey, you’re sweet and you are loving, you’re a good girl with a great big future and if I got it, then you better believe you’ll have it too because I can’t believe that God would give me good and not you.”

She brushed away her tears and choked back a sob before a smile slightly formed on her face.

“You’re happy,” she whispered.

“I am,” I admitted. “I found happiness, baby, and you will too,” I whispered. “I promise you. We will get you the best help there is and do whatever we got to do to make sure that bitch of a maker shuts the fuck up,” I said hoarsely as I winked at her.

She let out a giggle and glanced over her shoulder at her mother.

“I might not have said it that way but your father’s right,” she smiled reassuringly.

“That’s because you never agree with me,” I teased, blowing out a breath as I brought Lacey into my arms.

“What happens now?” She asked against my shoulder.

“I’ll call my doctor in the morning and set up an appointment,” I looked at Connie, who nodded in agreement.

“Until then, why don’t you get some rest? Tomorrow’s another day,” Connie added.

“We’ll order dinner, or I can go to that take-out place you like and pick it up,” Rob offered.

Lacey pulled out of my arms, pushed her hair back before looking between all of us.

“What?” I asked, knowing she was debating on whether to tell us something.

“It’s Daniela’s birthday tonight, and I promised her I’d go out,” she said, bringing her bottom lip between her teeth.

“Don’t you think you had a long day?” Connie questioned.

“I think I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and for just one night I want to be a nineteen-year-old girl who isn’t mentally ill. I want to be Lacey. Tomorrow I’ll be the girl who goes on lithium,” she said, turning her eyes back to mine.

      Sometimes I think God gave me a daughter just to soften me.

“Have fun,” I muttered, as Connie stared daggers at me and Lacey smiled at me.

“Thanks Dad.”

“But Mack goes with you,” I added. “And if you start to feel a certain kind of way you call me.”

“I’ll be fine,” she assured.

“Yeah, you will,” I agreed.

She leaned in and kissed my cheek, then her mother’s and lastly Rob’s.

“Thank you guys,” she murmured hopefully. “I’m going to go get ready.”

I watched her hurry up the stairs and waited until she was out of sight to turn to Connie and Rob.

“You really think going out is a good idea?” Connie questioned as she crossed her arms against her chest.

“I think she’s been cooped up dealing with this on her own for a long time and having one night to be carefree is good for her,” I argued.

“He’s got a point,” Rob chimed in.

“Fine,” Connie said reluctantly. “So you’ll call the doctor in the morning?”

“Yes, get her an appointment as soon as possible,” I affirmed.

“There’s one more thing,” she started, glancing at the stairs again before lowering her voice and continuing. “Blackie.”

“What about him?” I asked as I narrowed my eyes at her, wondering where she was going with this.

“You should call him and tell him what’s going on with Lacey. She cares a lot about him, Jack and whether it’s a crush or not I don’t know but I do know she can’t afford to be confused by her feelings for him.”

“A crush or not? Of course it’s a crush, you going to tell me otherwise?”

“I’m telling you to talk to Blackie and let him know what’s going on. Until we have this under control it’s in her best interest if he stays away from her. She can’t handle having her heart broken when she’s trying to mend her head.”

I remained silent for a moment, processing that my daughter might have genuine feelings for Blackie and wondering what his part in all this was.

“I’ll talk to him,” I ground out before turning toward the door. “Call me if she needs anything,” I added before I walked out the door.

As I started for my bike I grabbed my phone about to dial Blackie when my maker decided to menace me.

I told you but you didn’t want to listen.

You stupid prick, you’re too blind to see what’s been in front of you.

He looks at her differently.

He notices things about her you don’t.

He’s protects her better than you ever have.

He becomes alive when she walks into a room.

How’s it feel motherfucker?

To know I’m right and you’re wrong.

“Everything okay, Prez?” Mack asked, pulling me away from the war inside my head and back to the present.

“Where’s Blackie?” I questioned, the voice of doubt fresh in my mind.

“Not sure. Want me to call him?”

“
Can’t order me to protect her one minute and not the next, can’t give me her life, tell me it’s precious then expect me not to put her high on my list of priorities. I’m not made that way and you of all people should know that, understand it, because it’s the sole reason you asked me to look out for her all those years ago…you knew I wouldn’t be able to turn that shit on and off so, don’t ask me to now.”

What the fuck did I do?

I lifted my eyes to Mack’s.

“Nah, I’ve got this,” I hissed.

There’s only one way to shut the motherfucking voice down and that’s hearing the truth. I needed Blackie to tell me my maker was fucking with me. I needed him to confirm he was nothing more to Lacey than Blackie, her protector.

Nothing more.

Because heaven help everyone if my maker was right.
 

Chapter Thirty

I stared at my house and took another hit of the joint I was smoking. After I saw Lacey across the street from the liquor store I rode my bike for hours, fighting against the need to pick up the phone and call her.

I wanted to hear her voice.

Hear her say my name.

I reached for my phone and saw three missed calls from Jack. I couldn’t bring myself to call him back because the truth was I was resenting the man. How fucked up is that? I was hating on my chosen brother because I fell for his daughter because I broke a code and I couldn’t take responsibility for it.

I already hated myself for my past and needed someone else to hate for my present and my future.

I hated Jack because I wasn’t good enough for his daughter.

I hated Jack because he’d never let me have Lacey.

I hated Jack because he kept her safe.

I hated Jack because I had to give her up.