Love, Always (19 page)

“I don’t know, Dee.” His eyes beg me to help him, but I honestly don’t know how.

“We should just get married, Adam,” Amber says a bit too sweetly. “Despite all of this,” she says, waving her hands around dramatically at the crowd drawing into the room, “today’s our wedding day.”

“No,” I tell her. “I think we should go.” I reach out to grab Adam before he advances any further on Amber while Josie continues to cry in my arms.

“Excuse me, miss,” the priest interjects, “but shouldn’t you let the bride and groom resolve their issues?”

“I’m sorry, Father, but that ass is mine,” I respond with a warm smile, making Adam cough.

I turn when I hear Hayley whoop, “Fucking finally!” and rush out with Josie in my arms and Adam by my side before we all burst into flames on this holy ground.

I’m out of breath by the time we reach the car, but am glad to see the color has returned to his face. I hug him, breathing him in as he holds me against his chest.

“Is this ass really yours?” he whispers into my ear, sending tingles of excitement I haven’t felt in months all over my body.

“Yeah,” I respond and kiss his cheek before pulling away. “At least I want it to be.”

“You can have more than just the ass you know.”

I pinch his ass, feeling brave from the adrenaline rush.

“Your ass is your best asset.”

He licks his lips slowly and narrows his eyes at me. “Just the ass then?”

I force my eyes to move from his lips so that I can stare into his eyes. “Just the ass.”

“Where to?” he asks me after he gets into my car behind the steering wheel. I’m glad the groom got his own limo with his groomsmen, because I’m not ready to be separated from him just yet. I almost lost him and didn’t realize how agonizing that would be until it was almost too late.

“Maybe you should go to the hospital.” I bite my bottom lip and try not to laugh when he looks back at me, clearly confused.

“I’m fine, Dee.”

“I know physically you’re fine, Adam. I was talking more about a psychiatric hospital. Because, seriously? Who the hell does that?” I giggle when he stares back at me speechless. I shake my head, trying to hide how sad I really am that he was going to settle for someone when he deserves more than he has ever been given. He deserves a lot better than Amber and more than me. But he wants me, so I better pull up my big girl panties and figure out how to be what he deserves. Ah shit, this probably meant I’d have to swap out my comfortable granny panties for sexy lingerie.

Adam stays quiet with his eyes set on the road and maintains a firm grip on the steering wheel as he drives us to my condo.

I unbuckle Josie when we arrive and smile at the way she looks at Adam, shouting, “Dada!” continuously until he carries her. We go up to my condo quietly with only Josie’s babble between us. I’m not sure what thoughts have rendered Adam so speechless, and my stomach turns in knots as my imagination runs amuck. A vast imagination is one of the many doors I have opened since I decided to write and self-publish a novel. I guess it’s a good thing not very many people take me seriously.

“Mind if I go out to the balcony?” he asks as if he were a stranger.

“Mi casa es su casa,” I smile, trying to ease the tension between us.

Nothing has ever been the same between us since that fateful day in the hotel room where I chose myself over everyone else. I wonder if I’ve done that again and if this wedge between us will ever close.

I bathe Josie while Adam relaxes on the balcony and read her my favorite story, The Giving Tree, before I put her to bed. She’s already half asleep in my arms when I kiss her forehead and lower her into her crib. My baby girl. She’s everything in this world to me.

Adam is still out on the balcony, and I’m not sure whether he wants me to join him or not, but I shrug away my insecurities and pop open a bottle of wine. With two glasses and a bottle in hand, I open the sliding glass door with my butt and pour us both a glass. Adam takes my offered glass without a word, so I follow suit and silently stare off into the horizon. That’s my favorite sight, where the sky and ocean meet.

Without much preamble, Adam puts his glass down with a hard slam and runs his hands through his hair until I’m sure he’s going to pull some strands out. I take his hands out of his hair and put them on my lap, stroking them with my forefinger.

His eyes look at me, confused and in need of answers. If only I had some.

“What are we doing, Dee?”

“I don’t know, but I do know you deserve better than Amber.”

“Says who?” he demands, his agitation growing.

“Says me.” I feel my insides tremble at the anger brewing inside of him. “She doesn’t love you. You saw that yourself.”

“At least she wanted me.”

“That’s not good enough.” I kneel down in front of him so that he has no other choice but to look at me. “Why would you settle for less than what you deserve?”

“What I deserve?” he scoffs, his words dipped in ice.

“You’re such a good man, Adam. You’re good to everyone you meet. I’ve never met anyone like you. You give without expecting—”

“You don’t get it. I don’t expect anything, because I deserve nothing. But I get something back all the same.”

“What do you get back?” I ask, genuinely curious.

“Everything.” He rubs his hands across his face before he looks back at me. “I get to feel like I’m worth something.” He shrugs.

“You’re worth more than you could possibly know.” I take his hands before he can run them through his hair again. “You’re worth everything.”

“Not enough.”

I had no idea Adam was so insecure. How could I when everything has always centered around me, my fears, and my needs? His eyes watch me carefully as I lift his hand and kiss his palm and close it so that my kiss is sealed in his fist.

“How could you think that?”

“Don’t do this to me, Dee. Not tonight.” He takes his hand away from me, but keeps his fist clenched as he starts to pace the balcony. The ocean behind him matches his mood with its own ferocious waves. “You’re like this evil seductress,” he laughs, and I wince at his words.

I want to speak up in my defense, but for once I think about Adam and all the anguish I’ve caused him. Whether the pain was caused purposely or not is questionable, but I knew I’d hurt him when I walked away from him. I hadn’t thought of Adam then, only myself. I’m thinking about him now though.

“I opened myself up to you and you left me. I told you how I felt, but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t who you wanted.”

I look down at my fingers on my lap and neither try to deny nor confirm his words. There’s truth within the lie and lies within the truth. They’re both there, interlaced with one another.

“I can’t keep playin’ games with you, Dee.”

“I’ve never played games with you,” I tell him without looking at him.

“But you’ve never loved me, but you keep tellin’ me how I deserve better, how I’m so good, how I give without taking. But none of it’s enough for you.”

“It’s not because of anything you’ve done or haven’t done,” I protest.

He laughs a humorless laughs and sits back down next to me. “You gonna give me the bullshit
it’s not you, it’s me
speech?”

“Adam—”

“I’m not good enough for you. Just say it,” he dares me, but I stay stupidly quiet. “I’ve only ever loved one woman, and I’m not good enough for her.” He leaves me there with my eyes wide as he storms out of my front door.

I should go after him, I know I should.

Adam

You know what’s funny? Like piss your pants funny? Paying for a wedding you know will end up in divorce. Wait, there’s a punchline somewhere in this joke. I paid over one hundred grand on a broad that’s not worth a penny.

Shit, I got it wrong again. I put the glass of whiskey to my lips and think. I know. She is a penny! Ready for the punchline? I swear I got it this time. Amber’s like a penny; she’s worthless, two faced, and in everyone’s pants! Ba-dum tss.

After taking my last gulp, I bypass the glass entirely and go to my balcony with my bottle of whiskey cradled in my arm. That woman has me so fucked up, I can’t even think straight when I’m sober. Not Amber, but Dee. She holds my everything in her hands and rips me apart with her fingernails almost daily. Not that I can blame her. It’s my own fault for wanting what I knew from the beginning I couldn’t have. But after tasting her for just one night, I thought maybe, just maybe. She became my obsession. All my thoughts circled around her ‘til I could hear and smell her without her being here.

Like now. She’s like a damn witch, haunting my every moment. Do witches haunt? What-the-fuck-ever. I can’t even get drunk enough to escape her soft voice and sweet scent. Fuck me, I can feel her fingers as they brush against mine, and look up at the familiar touch to watch her taking my bottle away from me.

An illusion or real, it doesn’t really matter.

I follow her into my bedroom, hoping the illusion will be less painful.

Shortly after Adam left, I called Hayley and asked her to watch Josie for me. I had some serious ass kissing to do and would probably do it better without a baby. Maybe. Or I was just using Josie as an excuse to prolong the ass kissing.

I should have called Adam before to apologize and let him know that he was wrong about everything. He is more than good enough for me; it’s me who’s lacking. I should have called, but I hadn’t thought Adam would drink himself incompetent. He’s the strong one.

I let myself into his condo, and after a quick look around, notice the balcony door is open. His favorite tumbler glass is shattered by the wall, and the sight of it turns my stomach. I entwine my fingers together and press them against my beating heart as I make my way out to him. He looks almost peaceful with his head arched back on his chair, except for the constant swearing coming out of his mouth. His name sticks in the back of my throat, so I just reach down and take the bottle of whiskey that is resting in his lap. He opens his eyes and looks at me with a dazed expression.

“Adam,” I whisper, finally able to speak, but he continues to look at me through the haze of too much alcohol.

I take his hand without another word and guide him to his bedroom that actually used to be my bedroom before I moved out. I can trace every mistake I’ve made this past year starting with that bedroom where I closed myself off to everything but my pain. My pain and my feelings were all that mattered to me. I can’t even equate that type of destruction to self-love because really, the only one who loves me despite myself is Adam.

Adam is a bit wobbly on his legs and I’m grateful when we reach his bed. I help him out of his shoes and socks and lay him down once his shirt and, oh, apparently the shorts are coming off too. I pull the covers over him when he lies down and kiss him gently on the side of his mouth.

“Is this real?” he asks with his eyes closed. “Are you real this time, Dee?”

Unsure of what he means, I sing softly to him as I caress his hair back until I hear his breathing even out, letting me know he’s asleep. I go to the kitchen and come back with a glass of water that I place on his nightstand with aspirin so he can have them tomorrow morning.

I ease myself into the bed next to him and his body immediately seeks mine. Eventually I fall asleep with Adam’s head cradled in my arm.