Marie Sexton - Coda 05 - Paris A to Z (14 page)

seemed lost in his thoughts, and I finally gave up and left him alone. Instead, I found myself watching Jon and Zach.
Id thought before how they reminded me of magnets. One minute, you could see them drawing each other in, and the next minute, they were repelling each other, as if they couldnt have taken a step toward each other even if they tried. Watching them now at dinner, that impression seemed truer than ever. Some moments I could have sworn they were lovers again. Other moments it seemed like they could barely stand to look at each other. But no matter which moment they were in, there was one thing that could not be denied: there was energy between them.
I watched them leaning close to each other and then leaning away. Almost touching, and then both turning to their partners, as if hoping to be saved. I wondered if Cole was really as oblivious as he seemed, or if he was just putting up a good front. I looked over at Angelo, who was staring at his plate. I almost wanted to kick him. I wanted to tell him to wake up to what was going on next to him. Normally, he would have noticed. Normally, he would have been suspicious as I was. But he was apparently caught up in his own excitement too much to realize that Zach was not himself. I couldnt help thinking Zach was getting off easy, but then I saw Zach looking at Angelo, and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wanted nothing more than to take Angelo upstairs, away from Jon.
Laughter erupted on my other side, and I turned to see Cole and Jared still engrossed in their conversation.
“Oh, honey, how could you have known that he was allergic to peanuts? Anyway, it served him right after what he did to Terry—”
“Terry?” Jared said, still laughing. “No. I think Terry got exactly what he deserved!”
“Sweets, you only say that because of what happened with the barbecue sauce.”
“No, that I might have forgiven, but the water balloon was the last straw.”
Cole laughed. He reached out and grabbed Jareds arm, pulling him close. He said something low in his ear, and Jared burst out laughing again. I watched them, fascinated for some reason I couldnt quite identify. They interacted with the surety of lifelong friends, or of brothers. Sure, Cole touched Jared—
a lot
—but I began to realize that he wasnt exactly doing it on purpose. It was simply his nature, and he was at ease enough with Jared that his actions were completely uninhibited. Jared was animated when he was with Cole, and they laughed a lot as they talked, but at no point did Jared touch him back. At no point did he even seem to register the fact that Cole was touching him.
They were drinking, laughing, simply having fun, both of them seemingly without a care in the world.
I looked away from them to the other side of the table, where Zach and Jon continued their strange, tense, magnetic dance.
And at that moment, the truth hit me so hard, it left me a bit stunned: Cole really was no threat to me.
Of course, Id known it all along, way back in the rational part of my brain. But somehow, Id still been jealous. Id been so sure that every time Jared was with Cole, he was thinking about all the times theyd been in bed together. Id been worried that he missed the sex.
Watching them together now, I could see that there was nothing but friendship between them. Unlike Zach and Jon, who seemed to constantly be aware of one another, constantly circling one another, constantly catching each others eye and then looking away, Jared and Cole interacted in a way that was, for lack of a better description, completely casual. There was no tension between them at all. Jared acted with Cole the way he did with Zach, or the way I did with Angelo—absolutely at ease.
“Hey,” I said to Jared when there was a bit of a break in his conversation with Cole. He turned to look at me, and his smile was suddenly replaced by guilt. Hed forgotten I was there, and now he felt bad about it. I didnt want that. “Im going to bed,” I told him.
“Im sorry—” he started to say, but I cut him off.
“Dont be. Im just tired.” Tired was a bit of an understatement, actually. Exhausted was more accurate. “Besides, youre having fun.”
“Ill be up in just a few minutes.”
“Dont hurry,” I said. “You dont get to see him very often. You should spend time together while you can.”
He glanced sideways at Cole, who was pointedly not listening to our conversation, then back at me. His expression was a mixture of relief and disbelief. “Are you mad?”
“Not a bit,” I said, and when I still saw doubt in his eyes, I tugged one of his curls, simply because I knew it would make him smile.
“You sure?” he asked.
“Positive.” I kissed his cheek. “Everythings fine,” I whispered in his ear. “I promise.”

A
NGELO
was strangely withdrawn the entire meal. My attempts to talk to him were as unsuccessful as Jons were to engage Cole, and Jon and I somehow found ourselves seemingly in our own little world. I suspected we were both anxious to be out of it. Matts suspicious scrutiny of us was unwavering. I couldnt help but wish hed go back to being jealous of Cole instead. It was a relief to finally leave the dinner table.

I followed Angelo out of the dining room and across the lobby to the elevator, and each step away from Jon was like a pound off of my chest. Leaving his presence left me feeling like I could actually breathe again for the first time all day. I did not love him—not anymore, at least—and I knew just as surely that he did not love me. He loved Cole. He practically worshiped him, as I worshiped Angelo, and whatever had happened between us on the tour had been the result of alcohol and nostalgia and nothing more.

I didnt want to spend another day with him. I wanted nothing more than to leave Paris, to take Angelo and fly back to Colorado and our normal life together.

Angelo and I were alone in the elevator, and as soon as the doors closed, I pulled him into my arms. I buried my face in his hair. I lifted his shirt and ran my hand up the smooth skin of his back. I rejoiced in the familiar feel of his slim body against mine.

“I love you so much,” I told him, and I felt the truth of the words inside of me. I hated that seeing Jon could make me forget how much I loved Angelo, even if it had only been for a moment.

“You okay, Zach?” he asked, his voice muffled against my chest. “Youre actin weird.”
I laughed and held him tighter. “So are you.”
Before he could answer, the elevator dinged, announcing our arrival on our floor, and I let him go. I followed him to our room, thinking the entire time about how much I wanted to hold him, and kiss him, and make love to him. I wanted to lose myself in my worship of him, and forget everything else that had happened since that morning. But when we got back to our room, he resisted my efforts to pull him close.
“Not yet, Zach,” he said, sidestepping me. He crossed the room and turned to look at me with scared eyes. “I have to talk to you about somethin first.”
I sighed and tried to be a good sport about having to wait to tear his clothes off. “Are you going to tell me what you and Jon were arguing about?”
“We werent arguin,” he said. “Not really….” He hesitated for a minute, and I could tell he was trying to decide what to say. What he apparently decided on was, “I have somethin I need to tell you.”
“Okay.”
The next sentence seemed to take a great deal of effort. “Somethin happened today. Somethin important.”
“With Cole?” I asked. I wondered if theyd somehow ended up in bed together again, although Jon had looked only bewildered and confused when I saw him with Angelo, not furious as he would have been if Cole had cheated on him.
“No, not with Cole. I mean, at the church.”
“Did you find God?” I asked, smiling, but he didnt smile back.
“I dont know if it was God,” he said, “but I found something.”
I hadnt quite realized until that moment how serious he was. It wasnt easy for Angelo to open up, even to me. The fact that he was obviously trying meant that it was important. I pushed all thoughts of getting him naked to the back of my mind. I sat down and said, “Im listening.”
“Sainte-Chapelle was amazing, Zach.”
“Thats what Ive heard.”
“They call it the jewel box. Did you know that?”

“I didnt.”
He nodded, his eyes unfocused as he thought back on it. “Thats what its like, Zach. Like bein in a jewel box. Or in a magic castle.” He glanced at me briefly, his cheeks turning red, waiting to see if I would laugh at him for that. When I didnt, he went on, sounding more sure of himself now. “You cant tell from the outside, but the inside is unbelievable. Almost like there are no walls at all. Just stained glass everywhere. It looks like its made of lace.”
“Cole said that when you saw it, youd wonder how it even stood.”
He nodded. “Hes right. Cant quite believe people built it at all.”
“So what happened?”
“I was there, lookin at all those windows. Cole was off somewhere else, talkin to the guy givin us the tour. Not many people there yet. I felt like it was just me.” He stopped short, looking at me, his eyes glowing with excitement and awe. “Just me, Zach,” he said.
That was obviously an important point, and yet, I knew I was missing it. “Im not following you,” I said.
“I was the only thing in the jewel box.”
I was surprised to hear a tremor in his voice. Not because he never cried. On the contrary, he cried in front of me easily, and it embarrassed him, every time. He saw it as weakness. Hed spent his whole life holding his emotions inside, never allowing anyone to see them. His instinct with others was to attack, or to joke, or simply to walk away. If anybody else had been in the room, he would have had no problem keeping his emotions in check. But hed let his guard down with me long ago without ever meaning to, and for better or worse, hed never been able to raise it again. When it was only the two of us, he couldnt seem to stop his feelings from pouring through that gap. Still, it made me realize that whatever had happened at Sainte-Chapelle had touched him in a very profound way.
“Go on,” I said.
“I know Ive never made things easy, Zach.”
The apparent change of subject caught me off guard. “What do you mean?”