More Than One: A Novel (5 page)

I felt bad for not telling him the real reason I asked Rach to go, but if I had, then I would have to tell him the whole story. I wasn’t ready to spill my guts to him about the dreams yet.

“Do you want to go Ash? I really wasn’t trying to leave you out, I promise,” I asked.

He smiled and walked over to the counter with a bowl of chips and a glass of tea.

“No, I was just joking with you. I really can’t go anyway. I’m actually going to see my parents this weekend, too. Next time you decide to go home, I want to come with you. I’ve only met your parents once, but I know they loved me.”

“Of course they did, who doesn’t?” I said. “So you’re going to see your parents this weekend, that’s good. When will I get a chance to meet them? They are still in New York, right”

He made an uneasy look that I really wasn’t in the mood to comment on.

“Yeah and you will see them soon, I promise,” he said.

“You know I’ve never been to the Big Apple, so it would be awesome to go,” I said.

“I know, you’ve mentioned that. We will definitely take a trip there when we can. I guess it would be nice for my parents to put a face to the name they hear all the time.”

I looked away. The comment made me feel uneasy, so I quickly pushed it out of my mind.

We walked back to the couch and I sat down, but Ash started turning most of the lights off and turned down the volume on the stereo. He returned to the couch and sat down close to me.

“So, what else has been going on?” he asked.

“Nothing really, you know I have a boring life. School has being crazy, but my grades are picking back up. Work is work, I had to do inventory today and I hated it. Imagine having to count every item in the store. It took forever.”

“That sucks. At least you don’t have to do it every day.”

“Yeah, I know. I think I would actually quit if I did have to.”

After I finished my chips, I placed the bowl on the table, then settled back on the couch and continued talking. Ash grabbed my legs and put them in his lap. This is how Ash and I were with each other, intertwined in some kind of way. This was our thing and it was comfortable for us that way.

The conversation went on and I noticed Ash had leaned over and was playing in my hair and watching me intently, hanging on to my every word. I wasn’t alarmed by this because we are close, but normally I wouldn’t notice it at all. The fact that I was aware of it, made me think about my feelings toward him. It felt like things were starting to change between us and I didn’t want them to.

I squirmed around in the seat for a minute trying to think of a way to escape for a few moments.

“I have to use the restroom. I’ll be right back,” I said.

“Okay,” he said.

I went to the restroom and looked in the mirror. I never thought I’d have feelings for Ash like this, or in a place in my life that I would even question any action from him. He is such a sweet guy and I know he has some type of feelings for me.

This was crazy, I was over thinking things again. Ash was my best friend and I know he wouldn’t compromise that. Still, I wanted to leave, there was too much pressure being here.

I flushed the toilet so he would think I used the restroom for real. I turned on the faucet and stuck my hands under the running water. I dried my hands and opened the door and Ash was standing there.

“Before you try to leave, I want to talk to you,” he said.

He grabbed my hand and led me back to the couch. I was surprised that he caught onto my actions so quickly. It must have been written all over my face. My insides started to panic. I didn’t want to have this conversation yet. Not until I had a chance to at least think it over and weigh the options.

He looked at me with worry in his eyes.

“What do you mean, I wasn’t leaving,” I lied in a shaky voice.

He raised one eyebrow. I knew he didn’t believe me. This is the one time that I hated he knew me so well.

“Okay, whatever. I really need to get some things off my chest and seeing how you’re so busy, I feel I won’t get another chance like this,” he said and blew out a long deep breath.

“Wait Ash, before you say anything,” I started, but he cut me off.

“No, Jamie let me do this now, while I have the nerve. I promise whatever you say after this won’t change anything between us. Well, unless you want it to.”

I settled back into the couch, arms folded over my chest, waiting for him to speak. I can deal with this, I thought. Whatever he says won’t change our friendship.

“We’ve known each other for over two years now and you know I would do anything for you. You are more than a best friend to me. Sometimes I feel like you and Rach are all I’ve got, but my feelings for you are stronger than you can imagine. Ever since I met you under that oak tree, I fell in love. I didn’t want to push you though. I figured being your friend was better than nothing.” He looked away and was nervously rubbing his hands together.

“Why do you think I’ve stayed single? I didn’t want you to think there was someone else ever; it’s only you. Like I said before, it doesn’t change anything if you don’t feel the same way. I just needed to tell you,” he finished.

He turned back to look at me. I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t want him to think I had no response to what he just confessed to me.

“Well, Ash, I really appreciate you being open and honest. And maybe all along I kinda knew you had feelings for me, but I didn’t know it was of this magnitude. I have to admit that lately I have been looking and thinking of you differently, but I still don’t know how to process these feelings. It’s not you though, it’s me. I’m going through a lot right now. Maybe when I deal with the extra stuff and put them behind me, we can have this conversation again and see where it goes from there.” I said, hoping that I let him down easy enough.

“That’s fair,” he said with a huge smile on his face. “As long as you’re thinking about it.”

He jumped over and gave me a hug. He held on longer than I expected.

I looked at my watch and it was close to one in the morning.

“I have to go, I have an early class in the morning,” I said.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then. Thanks for stopping by, I’ve really missed you.”

“Yeah, me too. I hate not seeing you and knowing how you are.”

“Okay, be safe and text me and let me know you made it home.”

“Sure,” I said grabbing my things.

Once outside, I could breathe and take everything in. I was kind of glad everything was out in the open. I knew our friendship wouldn’t change and the thought was comforting.

I got back to the room and Rach was asleep on top of her cover, books still on the bed. I moved the books to her nightstand and found a quilt to put over her.

I decided to take a shower in the morning since I was so tired. I grabbed some pajamas and threw them on. After I texted Ash, I turned all the lights out and got into bed.

It was dark in the dream. I could see the back of the bar, but there wasn’t much light. I looked up and the door to the back of the building flung open. It looked like one of the workers was taking out the trash.

“Hey honey, you know it’s not safe for you to be back here all alone. Why don’t you get inside,” the man said.

“I need some help with my car and I don’t see anyone else around. Can you take a look at it for me,” I said.

“I’m no mechanic, but I’ll try to see what’s wrong with it. Let me finish getting this trash out first,” he said.

“Thanks.”

I paused, eyes searching for any witnesses. It felt like my blood was boiling underneath my skin, I was so anxious.

I didn’t feel like chasing anyone tonight, I wanted him to come to me. This would be so easy, I thought. My knife was on the inside of my pants. I felt the coldness of the blade on my thigh. I pulled it up some and carefully walked toward the wall of the building.

“Okay, where is your car?” he asked after shutting the door.

“Right around this corner,” I said pointing toward the front of the bar.

He started walking in front of me, ranting about how this area wasn’t safe and how I should be more careful. I pulled the knife all the way out and continued after him. There was a pile of bricks on the side of the building, and it was almost like fate was willing me to end his life.

Before he knew what was going on, I had one of the bricks in my hand. When he turned around, I smashed the brick against his head and his body crumbled to the ground.

I threw the brick down and stood over his lifeless body. He wasn’t dead though, not yet. I turned him over and waited. I wanted him to be aware of what was going to happen to him.

I squatted down as soon as I saw him stirring.

“You should have been more careful,” I whispered close to his ear.

I grabbed him by his hair  and pulled him up. When he opened his eyes, the knife came down on his throat in a swift and pernicious motion.

I dropped his head and he fell to the ground, eyes still open, hands around his throat. I laughed while wiping the blade on his pants, then walked away.

I jumped up, sweating, searching around in the dark. I turned on my lamp and ran to the bathroom to throw up.

After I brushed my teeth, I went back to my bed and pulled out my journal. I didn’t start writing at first. I couldn’t blink without the tears running down my face. I couldn’t stop them, nor did I want them to.

This was going too far. I can’t take any more of this, but I still had no clue on how to stop it.

I flipped through the pages of my journal and cried even harder when I noticed how full the book was getting. My head started pounding. The thought of turning on the television tomorrow and seeing a report on the man I just killed in my dreams made me sick again and I ran back to the bathroom.

After I emptied my stomach for the second time, I rubbed my temples like I normally do, but the pressure was still there. I finally took out a pen and started writing the events that took place in my dream.

When I was done, I put the journal away, and turned the lights out. I couldn’t lie down, I didn’t want to go back to sleep. I sat up, rocking in the dark.

Chapter Five

Rachel sat up in her bed the next morning and stretched before she turned to look at me. I hadn’t gone back to sleep since the dream. I was still sitting on my bed rocking.

When she finally took in my expression, she was alarmed. She jumped out of her bed and ran to my side.

“Jamie, what is it? Did you have another dream?” she asked.

When she mentioned it, I immediately started crying again. For the last couple of hours, I was trying to hold it in.

“Why is this happening to me Rach, I don’t understand? I’ve tried to figure this all out, tried to piece it all together, but there is nothing to put together. I’m having these dreams, and then clear across the country, it’s really happening. What can I make of it?” I said still crying.

“I know and I’m sorry this is happening to you. I wish there was something I could do or say to help ease the pain, but I’m just as confused as you are.”

The sobs burst out of me and I couldn’t control it. Rach was there, holding me and rocking with me. She pushed the hair out of my face and looked at me.

“You’re going to get through this, I promise,” she said.

“How can you promise that? You don’t know that for sure. What if I don’t? I can’t go on like this anymore.”

“I know. I’m so sorry Jamie.”

I rubbed the tears from my face, but it was no use. My head throbbed harder. There was no escape from all this horror.

“We are going to see Dr. Silverman today, maybe he can help you. Please just try to pull it together until then. I told you we are in this together. I’m here for you until the end,” Rach said.

“Thanks.”

It was already seven fifteen in the morning and I was exhausted. My class was at eight, but I wasn’t going. I couldn’t go in this state of mind.

I was too afraid to go back to sleep, so I got up and went to take a shower.

“I’ll have some clothes out for you when you get out of the shower. Don’t worry about anything, I’ll take care of it, just try and relax,” Rach said.

I turned around and hugged her. I squeezed her so tight, her next breath came out like a hiccup. I was just so glad that she was here with me. I never expected her to be this involved, and a big part of me felt bad, but I had no one else. She didn’t care, she was sticking with me through it all.

After I got out of the shower and got dressed, I felt ore relaxed. The shower made it easier to think.

I paced the floor so much I could have worn a hole in it. The silence went on forever. My mind and stomach was doing back flips. The dreams consumed me to the point where I didn’t know what it felt like to not have them. I didn’t know what normal was anymore.

I looked at the clock and it was eleven forty-five. At this point, I was anxious to see the psychiatrist. I needed an outlet.

I stopped in front of the window and looked  over the campus at all those people walking around without a care in the world. Did they know how lucky they were?

Who would’ve thought I would be dreaming about actual murders, and even more, I would be the one committing them in my dreams. I gazed out the window again, longing for a release from the stress of it all.

I glanced back at Rach, who was still sitting on her bed, biting her nails. She looked up at me, her face apologetic, wanting to say something, anything to take my mind off of my troubles. I felt horrible, because this was not her problem, but like any true best friend, she took it on and didn’t complain. I loved her more than I could explain.

I had been going over everything in my mind for the past six or seven hours and it wasn’t doing me any good. I halfway understood having nightmares, but couldn’t grasp the reality of it.

I wondered if they would ever catch the serial killer, and when they did, would the nightmares stop? I wondered if I knew who it was, would it help me figure out the connection? Does this person know me? They couldn’t possibly know me because I’ve never been to Italy.

“Do you want to get something to eat?” Rach said finally breaking the silence.

I was startled when she spoke, it made me jump.

“I’m not really hungry,” I replied.

“You have to eat something.”

“My stomach is in knots. I don’t know if I can eat right now,” I said.

“Well, do you at least want to ride with me to get something? I’m starving and I don’t want to leave you here alone.”

I looked at the clock again. It was now twelve fifteen. I should ride with her and get out of this closed space.

“Yeah, I’ll ride and then after we can go to my appointment.”

“Okay, sounds good.”

I found some shoes to throw on while Rach grabbed her things. We headed out of the room and got into the car.

I turned up the music and leaned back in my seat. Rach stopped at the Junction and ordered a to-go plate of chicken tenders, fries, and wings. I knew she ordered extra stuff to make me eat, too. It worked because I dug in as soon as the plate came.

We left from there and drove to the office. We sat in front of the building until it was time for me to see the doctor. We ate in silence and it started to drive me crazy.

“Please talk about something, the silence is killing me,” I said, “tell me something about school or Derrick. It doesn’t matter.”

“Okay, well I told Derrick we were going out of town this weekend, he said he would miss me. I thought that was sweet. I think he’s a keeper. I’m really excited about how well the relationship is going.”

“That’s good. So are you guys officially together or what?”

“I guess so. I’m not seeing anyone and I don’t think he is either. I guess you can say we’re exclusive,” she said with a smile.

I didn’t say anything, just nodded. It was nice that Rach had some kind of escape from the pressures of life. She seemed optimistic for the future of the relationship and I was happy for her, she deserved it.

We sat in silence again and I knew it was because she felt uncomfortable.

“Let’s go in a check this place out,” I suggested.

“Okay,” she said.

We got out of the car and slowly headed for the door. All the feelings I had twirling inside me made me nauseous and lightheaded.

When we approached the door, everything, every part of my body felt heavy. Rach opened the door and before entering, I could see the faces looking at me.

I was scared and I didn’t know why. I knew they were here for the same reason, seeking help from some type of anxiety and they wouldn’t judge.

We walked in and went to the receptions desk.

“Hi, can I help you?” the woman asked.

I couldn’t say anything.

“She has an appointment with Dr. Silverman at one,” Rach spoke for me.

The woman started pecking at her computer and finally looked back up at us.

“What’s the last name?” she asked.

“Whit…” Rach began.

“Smith,” I yelled before she could finish, “Wendy Smith.”

The woman looked at me with a smirk on her face. She knew I was lying, especially because of the face Rach was making.

“Okay, just have a seat and I’ll call you back when he’s ready for you.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

We sat down and the only thing I could think of doing was twiddling my thumbs.

“Why does the receptionist think your name is Wendy Smith?” Rach asked.

“That’s what I told her my name was. You know I’m already worried that this guy will think I’m crazy.”

She giggled while shaking her head. “What does that have to do with your real name?”

“I don’t know why I lied to her. The name just came out when she asked me,” I said.

“Okay, whatever,” she said. “Have you figured out what you’re going to say to him?”

“I’m just going to tell him about the dreams and see what he says. I don’t want to tell him about the news report, unless I feel I need to.”

“Alright,” she said.

We waited for about fifteen minutes before I was finally called back. Butterflies were in my stomach, but it wasn’t from just the nervousness. I was looking for something positive to come out of this.

I walked in the office and Rach was behind me.

“Hi, Miss Smith, I’m Dr. Silverman,” he said extending his hand to shake mine, “How are you today?”

I shook his hand and looked away.

“I’m okay, I guess,” I replied.

The doctor turned and looked at Rach.

“And you are?” he gestured toward her.

“This is my friend Rachel Phillips. I didn’t want to come alone. I hope you don’t mind if she sits in with us,” I answered.

“Not at all, whatever makes you feel comfortable. Nice to meet you Miss Phillips,” he said shaking her hand as well. “Let’s have a seat, shall we.”

Dr. Silverman was younger than I expected, but he still looked refined and knowledgeable. He was about five feet and nine inches tall, slim and well dressed. His hair reminded me of Ash’s, because of the dark brown curls, the only difference was the length. Ash’s hair was a little bit longer than the doctor’s. He wore glasses that sat at the tip of his nose, which complimented the wisdom in his face.

He pointed the couch out for Rach and me to sit and he took a seat next to his desk.

I looked at him and he was watching and taking in my every movement. This made me nervous.

“So, Miss Smith, what is the nature of this visit today?” he asked.

I was silent. Before we came, I had rehearsed and memorized everything I was going to say to him, but words failed me. Rach nudged me with her elbow and I jumped slightly and cleared my throat.

“I’ve been having dreams,” I started, “nightmares actually and when I don’t have the nightmares, I don’t dream at all. I know this might sound silly, but these dreams seem so real and it is really taking a toll on me.”

“I see,” he said pushing his glasses from the tip of his nose closer to his eyes, “what are the dreams about?”

Rach grabbed my hand and looked at me. She nodded for me to continue.

“Well, at first the dreams are about me in different rooms. Some are hospital rooms and the others are just regular ones. Some are rooms I don't really see because I'm being hypnotized, but in all the rooms I feel like I’m trapped or being held hostage. There are two guys, doctors I think, who run test on me. It’s always the same two people.”

“Do you recognize any of the people or surroundings in the dreams?” he asked.

“No. Nothing looks familiar,” I replied.

“You say they are running tests on you. Can you describe what these test consist of?”

“In the dreams about the hospital rooms, I’m always groggy, like I’ve been drugged. So, my mind seems to go in and out, like having constant blackouts. But I remember lying on a table with tubes in my arms and a beeping noise in the background, with a bright light in my face. The only test I really recognize is when they check my blood pressure or my temperature.”

He was nodding as if he understood, maybe he could help me after all. I squeezed Rach’s hand and looked at her to show my enthusiasm.

“And what about the dreams where you are being hypnotized? Can you remember what you say while you're under? Do you recognize the hypnotist?” he asked.

“I don't see the person at all, but I know it’s a woman. My eyes are always closed when she starts talking to me. She tells me to relax and then when my body no longer feels there, she tells me to open my eyes. The only thing I can do is stare at the ceiling, my head won't move.”

“Can you remember what you talk about?”

“We talk about things that I have never done, feelings I have never felt. It doesn't make sense,” I said.

“Can you elaborate?”

“I tell her that I am angry all the time. I am tired of being trapped and I want to get out. I go into detail about a place I have never been, but know so vividly because of the dreams. There is an image of a man that is stuck in my head and it makes me angrier thinking about him. But this is a man I have never met. She tells me she wants to help me to get past my anger, but I really don't want to get over it. We go back and forth about being and thinking positive and I don't feel there is anything good coming from my situation. Like I said, none of it makes sense to me at all. I don't have those kinds of problems.”

“This man that you see, you say you don't recognize him, but can you describe him to me?”

“Well, all I see is his face and he looks like an older man. He has gray hair and wears glasses. He looks worried or sad. I can't decide which one. He looks like a gentle, kind man. I don't understand why I am so angry with him.”

Dr. Silverman started to write something down on his pad. While we sit and wait for him to finish writing, Rach squeezed my arm to reassure me.

“So what are the dreams like now?’ he said.

I took in a deep breath.

“Now the dreams are about murder.”

“Murder,” he repeated.

“Yes,” I said feeling uneasy again, “I am committing murders in my dreams, random people I don’t know. I’m cutting their throats.”