Not Another Soldier (14 page)

“If you don’t return the drugs,” he says simply.

“Yeah, I’m guessing so, but, shit, Nick, I’ve no idea
what’s going on. I don’t have any drugs and I certainly never found any when I
moved out. Surely if Rob had some hidden away somewhere, I’d have found them?”

“You would think so.” He rubs the back of his neck.
“It must be a big stash if they’re resorting to threatening you and breaking
and entering.”

“Exactly.” I throw my hands in the air. “I think I’d
know if I was sitting on top of a load of drugs.”

“I don’t know. I can’t see Rob keeping them at the
house. He was pretty keen on keeping you and the rest of his life separate.”

“So what am I to do? Just hope they believe me and
leave me alone. The guy said this guy—Big John… no, Johnson—was going to be
pissed if I didn’t hand the stash over.” I shake my head. “I don’t even know
who that is.”

That’s almost the worst thing. Dealing with the
unknown. Is it just some small time criminal or someone bigger? A mob boss or
something? This kind of stuff is so far removed from my life, I just have no
idea how to cope with it.

“I’ll ask around.” Nick grabs my hand and holds it
tight. “We’ll figure this out, Sienna. I swear.” He stands and casts a worried
look over me. “I’m going to pop back to base. I’ve got work stuff to deal with
but I won’t be long. Don’t open the door to anyone.”

“I’m not stupid,” I grumble.

“I know you’re not. Just… just be careful, okay? Don’t
go out and keep the door locked.” His thumb comes under my chin. “I mean it. If
something happened to you…”

He doesn’t say anything more. He doesn’t have to. I
feel the same. I don’t want to but I do. Which makes it all the more hard. Nick
drops a light kiss across my lips and goes to get his sneakers. I watch his
easy movements as he slips them on. Even with his injury there’s no awkwardness
to his actions. A totally confident man. I envy him really. He knows what he
wants and goes for it. I wish I knew what I want. I had it all planned out.
Move on, become an independent woman. Maybe one day risk a relationship again.
If I missed out on having a family, then so be it. That was the price to pay
for protecting myself, though my heart hurts at the thought.

Heat pervades my cheeks as he glances at me and I know
instantly what he wants right now.

Me.

“Lock the door behind me.”

I nod and wrap my arms around myself. A chill sweeps
through me as the desire in his eyes dims, replaced with a stark look of worry.
I stop myself from running to him and flinging my arms around his neck and
begging him to stay. It’s better that he goes for a while and I can get to
thinking.

With one more look, he’s gone and I get up and lock
the door carefully. My apartment feels empty and cold without him. Once I’d
made the decision to divorce Rob, I looked forward to my own space, to not
having to tip toe around for fear of pissing him off and being on the end of
one of his moods. Though he only hurt me the once, I hated arguing with him. He
usually froze me out and pretended I didn’t exist if I did something wrong.
Even when Nick had been angry, he didn’t do that. He argued it out, put across
his point honestly. I can deal with that much better than I can deal with the
taciturn way Rob would treat me.

I go into my bedroom and pick up my discarded top and
jeans still covered in wine and throw them in the washing machine in the
kitchen. How weird that the terrifying events of today are now clouded with
heated memories of Nick peeling my clothes from me.

Pouring myself a drink and slumping on the couch, I
try to peel back the layers of steamy visions to recall the incident with the
skinhead. I need to figure out what the hell they want or I’ll never get my
life back. I can’t believe even in death Rob is causing me hassle. I hate that
I feel guilty when I curse him for creating so many problems for me. He’s dead
and it was his fault but I shouldn’t be angry with a dead man. After all, he
paid the ultimate price for his behavior.

And I guess I still question if there wasn’t more I
could have done. Some kind of intervention. But Rob never exposed me to that
side of his life. The drinking, the affairs and apparently the drug dealing. He
kept us separate. It was like he wanted me in this little bubble. His perfect
wife. When I wasn’t perfect, I might as well have not existed. Had it not been
for the gossipy nature of many military wives, I may have remained in ignorance
about the other women. Somehow, that was the least painful part of my marriage.
I could cope with not being wanted sexually—well, maybe not cope—but it didn’t
hurt as much as the indifference toward me as a person. It was the loneliness
that really got to me.

And now I’m alone again. Why have I fought so hard for
this? Would it be so bad to have Nick in my life? But of course I’d still have
to deal with the isolation that being a military spouse creates. I blow out a
breath and take a sip of my juice. Perhaps once we’ve burned our way through
the chemistry between us, we’ll go our separate ways. I don’t want to lose Nick
as a friend but I can’t bear the thought of not touching him again. I doubt I
can fight that. I’m screwed either way really. Either I fight my need for him
and never experience our amazing sex again or I give in and risk heartache.

I glance at the box still sitting in the corner of the
room. Rob’s stuff. I still haven’t sorted it. I still haven’t sorted out a lot
of things in my life. I suspect I’m moving too quickly which is why I’m so
confused. Add that to the fact shit just got crazy and it’s no wonder my mental
state is so messed up. Why Nick wants a part of this is beyond me.

I put my juice on the coffee table and kneel next to
the box. Maybe I’ll find some kind of clue as to where Rob’s been hiding the
drugs so I can get these guys off my back. I don’t even know what I’ll do if I
find the stash. Hand it over to the cops I guess and pray these drug dealers
don’t kill me for it. My stomach twists as my neck throbs in remembrance.

A tremor sweeps through me and my eyes grow heavy
suddenly. I jump up and snatch my cell from the kitchen side. Although I feel
guilty, I am definitely calling in sick for a few days. I’ve had enough
excitement to last me a life time and I don’t want to risk these guys getting
hold of me at work. I shudder as the chill increases. Damn, as much as I want
my independence, I’ve got to admit, I am terrified without Nick.

Nick

I wake feeling odd and remember who’s sleeping next to
me, and whose bed I’m in. I’m not sure why she let me sleep with her again. I
didn’t expect it. I was bracing myself for another argument. I was waiting for
regret. Thank God, she didn’t express any. Though she’s still wary, I think.
Damn, I can’t believe Rob messed her up so bad. Why did I never step in? If I’d
have known he tried to hurt her, I’d have killed him myself. I was so concerned
about not interfering. If I had torn her marriage apart, would it have been for
my own reasons or for her benefit? I could never be sure I wasn’t acting
selfishly and I was so weak still. What could I offer her? Oh and don’t forget
my stupid misguided loyalty to Rob… Yeah, I’m an idiot.

 I roll over and study her—just look at her.
She’s lying on her side, one arm tucked under her pillow. There’s a smudge of
mascara or something under her eye from where she didn’t take off her make-up
last night and her lips are still puffy from my kisses. She’s snoring slightly
and it makes me grin. It’s a light snore, kinda cute.  Maybe that’s just
me… I’m sure as hell totally lost when it comes to this woman.

We made love again last night. Yeah, I’m damned sure
it’s love-making now. We went way past sex yesterday. It was slow and sensual
and then fast and frantic, and one of those kind of soul joining moments that
makes your heart ache. Geez, now I sound like a fucking poet. But then I’ve
always been soft in the head when it comes to Sienna.

My stomach twists slightly as I consider where to go
from here. I need to protect this woman but how can I protect her from the
unknown? I’ve never even seen this guy who attacked her. I’ve seen the evidence
though. I curl my fist at my side as I let my gaze follow the little bruises
visible on her neck. It’s astonishing how strong Sienna is. She just fought off
a guy intent on killing her and she’s still going. She seems to think she’s
weak but how many other people would pick themselves up after shit like she’s
been through and be so giving? Sienna gives and gives, at work and in her
personal life. Sex with her is incredible. She’s so open, each reaction is so
genuine. I’ll admit all those noises and facial expressions as I drive into her
are pretty flattering to a guy’s ego.

Now I need to persuade her to let me make love to her
forever. She stirs and I’m aware of a slow smile spreading across my face when
her grey gaze meets mine. She’s so stunning, even with smudges under her eyes
and messy hair, who wouldn’t be beaming like an idiot?

“You look cute, all sleepy,” I say, drawing her into
my hold.

She wriggles slightly. “I bet you say that to all the
ladies.”

“No, just you.” I try to hold her still. I want to
savor her sweet, warm body without getting turned on again. Things have moved
so quickly, far more quickly than I’d ever intended, and we need to figure out
what to do about these guys who have been coming after her. If it was up to me,
I’d just keep her locked in her bedroom—preferably with me—but I know she won’t
stand for any of it.

She glances up and I see the hint of vulnerability in
her gaze. Christ, she clearly has no idea what she does to me. Rob somehow
sapped every ounce of self-confidence from her. I hope I can put it back.

“Don’t lie to me, Nick. I know you too well. And I
know I’m a wreck in the morning.”

“Yeah, well, you’re a cute wreck.”

“Gee, thanks.”

I drop a kiss on her nose, release her and climb out
of bed before I get any ideas about peeling off that flimsy teddy thing and
burying myself to the hilt. I need to get my head straight.

“I’m going to take a shower.” I bite my tongue to
prevent from asking her to join me. Sienna… soapy, wet… fuck, I’m going to take
a
cold
shower. “Then we need to decide what to do about all this shit. I
think we should go to the cops or call that detective.”

Sienna pushes herself up and chews on a fingernail. “I
don’t know. I guess I’ll call him. I don’t want to go down to the station.”

“Okay.” I snatch the bag of stuff I dumped in her
bedroom. I should feel remorseful for cluttering her place up and I’m usually
better than all these primeval instincts, but I feel kind of like a Neanderthal
wanting to mark my territory. Just a little reminder that she won’t be getting
me out of her life easily. If I let Sienna, she’d force me away and then we’d
both be miserable. As strong as she is, she can also be damned foolish. And
denying what’s between us would be the stupidest thing ever. I know it’s worth
taking a risk on but it seems she doesn’t yet.

When I straighten, I see her cheeks are flushed. She
starts as if she’s been caught doing something and I don’t even battle the
knowing grin creeping its way across my face. I’m not the only one fighting my
needs and I can’t help enjoy her study of me.

I probably strut into the bathroom. Hell, who wouldn’t
when they’ve got a gorgeous woman looking at you like they want to eat you up?
I peel off my briefs and dive in the shower. I’m going to make it a quick one.
I don’t want to waste much time and I don’t want her sitting there,
thinking
.
The woman does far too much of that. If she only trusted her instincts for
once, things would be great. She’s so wary now. Yeah, she said no promises, but
I can’t help it. I want her promises.

I scrub my hair and soap myself with the shower gel I
packed. I meant it when I said she was like a light to me. My leg twinges as if
to remind me why. Sienna was the only woman who never treated me any different
after my injury. Liberty leaving didn’t hurt—well, maybe it hurt my ego but not
my heart—but she wasn’t the only woman to treat me like a cripple. I saw it a
lot afterward. The pity. And then the weird hero worship. It was as if it was a
competition to some of them. Who can sleep with the cripple and not be turned
off by his major scar? Or they’d put me up on some strange pedestal and be
disappointed that I wasn’t some big, bad soldier all the time.

But not Sienna. Even when she was bogged down in that
crappy marriage, she treated me with humor and kindness, the same way she
treats everyone, even if they don’t deserve it. She looks at me and doesn’t see
an injured soldier or a hero. She sees Nick. It’s nice not to be treated
differently.  With Sienna, I can forget it ever happened and that’s what I
need. It might not be the healthiest way of dealing with things but I know
myself and I know what I need. My grandpa was the same. He never talked about
the war, just shoved it aside and got on with living. My dad was one of eight.
I know well my grandpa lived his life well and that’s what I want. To move
forward. With Sienna.

I finish up my shower and towel myself off, slinging
it around my hips. I debate my reflection in the steamy mirror and decide to
skip shaving. I’ve got a week’s leave put in so what’s the point? One of the
benefits of rank. Plus I kind of fudged it, saying it was for compassionate
reasons. There was no way I was leaving Sienna after everything that’s happened
to her. If she ended up hurt because I wasn’t around to protect her, I’d never
forgive myself.

I dig out a clean shirt, briefs and jeans and throw
them on. A quick squirt of cologne and another towel dry of my hair and I’m
good to go. My heart sinks a little when I hear clattering in the kitchen. I
know I said no more sex for now but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to have a
little playtime in bed with her.

Running a hand across my face, I curse. “Shit.” I
really need to gain control of myself. How can I focus on getting her out of
this mess if I’m always thinking with my cock?

I stroll into the kitchen and she views me with that
wide-eyed look of hers, the one that makes me feel like a predator who’s going
to eat her up.

“It’s all yours, babe.” I point to the bathroom like
an idiot. She knows where her bathroom is.

“Thanks.” She puts down the glass she was holding and
brushes past me.

I snatch an arm and pull her quickly into my hold. She
gasps, a sweet, sexy noise that makes my insides curl, as I dip my head to
hers.

“I haven’t brushed my teeth,” she protests.

“I don’t care.” I claim her mouth and she tastes of
orange juice so I know her objections were for nothing.

Her body softens into me and I take the chance to grab
her rear and mold her to me. I’m hard already. It only seems to take a kiss
from her. Sometimes it only takes a look. I don’t want to do anything right now
but I need her to know I’m not letting her off easily. She’s mine, whether she
realizes it or not. Okay, so it’s back to that primitive, marking my territory
type thing but I can only play it so softly. If I let her, Sienna would retreat
completely from me. I need to push, just a little, until I’m totally ingrained
in her mind, like she is with me.

When I release her, she has a glazed look in her eyes
and my mouth tilts. “Go get washed and I’ll make some breakfast.”

She coughs, nods and scurries away. I shake my head
and chuckle. How she can deny what’s happening between us is beyond me. It’s
always been a strong bond but since sleeping together… I love her so damned
much. I’ve probably loved her from the moment I saw her. If Rob hadn’t gotten
to her first, I would have made her mine. I’ll always regret I let Rob and his
dominating personality take over. But he’s not here now and I am.

Yeah, I’ll love her forever. Now I just need to figure
out how to get her to feel the same.

***

Sienna

As we approach the base, my stomach twists. I haven’t
stepped foot here since I moved out. It feels weird
, looks
weird. I’m
like a stranger to this place. I guess it never seemed like home to me. The
houses are all the same, kind of like the military. Uniform, neat, dull.
Nothing stands out and it’s quiet
—
too quiet. I used
to hate how people kept to themselves but once I lost my confidence, I
appreciated it. I wonder how I would deal with it now. I don’t feel the same
anymore. Would I have the ability to put myself out there again?

I glance at Nick as he drives us up the long road
toward the bulk of the houses. Why am I even worrying about this? He wants more
than I can give but who says there’s even a future for us? I still wonder if
this will just burn out eventually. My heart actually hurts at the thought even
as I realize that would be the better option.

“I don’t know what you expect we’ll find,” I mutter as
I gaze out the window.

“Probably nothing.” He offers me a shrug of one shoulder.
“But I’d rather know for sure there’s no drugs in your old house. At least we
know we won’t be going on a wild goose chase.”

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” I shake my head.

We went down to the station in the end and reported
the assault because they called me and told me my car was ready to be released,
but I could tell he held no hope of finding the guy. The detective warned me
that if I did find any drugs to hand them straight over to the police. Which is
all very well for him but it’s not his neck on the line. What happens if I hand
them over and this Johnson person decides to take revenge on me?

Honestly, it’s just insane, this whole thing. After
Rob died, I pictured being this strong, independent women with my own house. I
was going to knuckle down at work and concentrate on getting my life straight.
Now I’m sleeping with my best friend and trying to outsmart some drug dealers.

Nick suggested we do a search of the house and try to
see if we can figure out what Rob did with the drugs. I can’t help thinking I
would have found them when I packed up, but I guess he could have hidden them
somewhere. It seems unlikely. Rob tried so hard to keep me out of his real
life. Why would he have risked me discovering some drugs and finding about his
dealing? Besides Skinhead said they already searched the place.

We pull up to the house and nothing’s changed. I
straighten. Except the front door is boarded up. The lawn is neat as if it’s
been mowed recently but clearly no one’s moved in yet. Somehow Nick wrangled a
key from someone so we’re free to have a poke around.

Nick pulls into the drive and I climb out before he
can come around and open the door. I know he loves to play the gentleman but I
need to start asserting myself in this relationship—or whatever this is—again.
I already feel like he gives too much. I need to gain some ground.

I suck in a breath and am surprisingly okay as I gaze
around at the place where I really felt my life fall apart. This was where I
truly lost myself. Maybe I didn’t realize how much I’d already moved on. Maybe
I didn’t comprehend how much Nick has helped with that. I offer him a small
smile over the roof of the car as we approach the house. It still scares the
hell out of me and I dread what’s coming next, but he’s made me see myself as
sexy again. Nick has a way of holding me that makes me feel like the only
person around, like I’m actually valuable again. He doesn’t want alcohol or
other women or a flash life outside of me. He just wants me. For once, I’m
enough for someone.

If only he wasn’t a soldier. It’s the only flaw he
has.

As we approach the boarded-up door, I hear a squeal
and when I turn, I realize it’s Jess. She grins as she approaches, one of the
kids on her hip. “Sienna! How are you, honey?”