On Becoming His - Lessons Learned (5 page)

Jessie
opening her mouth as if to retort, then looked away, biting her lip. She pressed a hand over her lips as a tiny whimper escaped her mouth.

Luke thought about the times he’s actually given her
a real spanking. They’d been swift and sharp reminders, but never lasting very long and certainly not what she seemed to be craving. Tonight they were adding another layer to their relationship – to a degree anyway. “Do you understand me?”

“Yes! Yes…yes, S
ir.” She gave him a look as she raised her eyebrow.

He rose to his feet slowly and could see her defiance waning.
This was the right decision. “I’ll be in the living room when you get done.” Without saying anything else, he took his glass and walked out of the room.

Luke set his glass down on top of the mantel and eyed the logs by the hearth. He hadn’t really wanted to give her a harsh spanking tonight
, no matter what he’d told her. He was in a passionate mood, wanting nothing more than to hold her by the fire, enjoying some soft music and taking about the future. Instead he was going to spank her ass cherry red.

He knelt down by the hearth, loading the wood and adding kindling. After opening the flue, he
finally found the long matches. Striking the side of the box, he gazed at the flame for a few seconds and thoughts about Suzzana rushed back into his mind. Of course he knew why. Jessie’s confrontational behavior was so reminiscent of Suzzana’s when she was in one of her moods. He didn’t like to compare the two women, but the truth was they were very much alike in many ways. In the attributes that were completely different, he found himself more and more attracted to Jessie because of the dichotomy. She was without a doubt her own woman and unlike any he’d ever met before. Sighing, he tossed the match into the fireplace.

As the fire began to burn
slowly, he sat back on the rug, studying the tiny flicker. Suzzana was the wild child, the one willing to try anything. She moved forward into life by her own standards, shoving her way into every situation. Her bold attitude matched her brassy red hair and her verve for life. She’d been a wild flower blooming brightly when the sun was out. When a storm approached, and one did far too often, she was lost to bouts of depression – ugly, damaging depression.

Luke brushed his hand through his hair then held it out, lifting up his palm and staring at his features. Clenching his fist, he sighed. He didn’t want to remember the memories, even the good ones. But he didn’t have a choice lately.
Memories and visions about Suzzana had been crowding his sleeping and waking moments. His thoughts shifted to Jessie and she’d been right on the money about her assessment of him. The realization should be haunting but maybe he needed to face the past in order to relish the future.

He stood and leaned against the mantle, remaining unblinking a
s he envisioned Suzzana’s smile. For a few seconds he could almost hear her laughter. Thinking about the past wasn’t fair to Jessie. Luke studied the flames licking against the logs and frowned. The past was creeping up on the future, threatening to overwhelm his happiness. Clenching his fist, he made a promise to himself. This time he was going to do handle such a heady responsibility with the utmost care and conviction.

****

Jessie barely made it into the kitchen before she groaned, the sound so loud she slapped her hand across her mouth with one hand and barely managed to set the plates down. My God she was jittery.
Spanking.
Lordie. Luke was really going to really punish her tonight, something she’d been asking for. The solid slaps she was used to didn’t last long nor were they punishment in her mind. Gripping the edge of the counter, she knew this was a turning point.
Please, let it be.
She concentrated on her breathing as she washed of the plates before slipping them into the dishwasher. Yeah, she’d pushed him. Hard.

Her mind was reeling, so ready for him to take what she had long considered the last vestige of control. Oddly enough, she was nervous about this level of submission. No matter how much they’d talked about this, she was like a scared kitty
cat. The thought made her smile at first, then a myriad of wild emotions bullied through her last resolve.

She gripped the edge of the counter and lowered her head, watching as a single tear slipped from her eyes, falling on top of the counter. Her breath was ragged. What was going on with her? Why was there so much apprehension remaining and… No, this was pure and very raw fear. Something was going on with Luke, something she was terrified of. Snuffling, she pu
shed back the ugly thoughts and swallowed hard.
Control. You have to gain control.

Jessie took her time
cleaning the counter and washing the pots and pans, singing her favorite Adele tune. She glanced at the clock at least five times, a rumble remaining in her stomach. Nauseous? Hell, she was ready to barf in the sink. After wiping the kitchen table for the fourth time, one that hadn’t been used to any degree, she tossed the rag into the sink and rolled her eyes. Time to face the music, or in her case, a well deserved punishment.

She walked slowly into the living roo
m, standing just inside the doorway as she studied his prone form. Luke appeared just as tense as she was. Before walking closer she clenched her fists, pressing them against her thighs.

Luke seemed to sense her presence, turning to face her, his eyes darting back and forth. “Jezebel.”

“Sir.” Why was her voice barely audible?

He eased away from the fire, taking a place on the ottoman
located just off to the side of the fireplace. “Come closer. We should talk.”

Nodding, Jessie walked toward him.
Somehow she didn’t think they were going to be doing any more talking. She couldn’t help but remember the way they’d started this love affair. One hot night in a bar filled with innuendos and flirting, dancing and talking and little else. The way they’d talked after the first few months had led them both into the realization they wanted a D/s lifestyle. Domination and submission had been something she’d craved for so long. Now, this moment, the very knowing they were moving into the final steps of defining their relationship was freeing, yet she was filled with apprehension about the future. Oddly enough, not about her needed punishment.

“What are you thinking?” Luke asked, a smile in his eyes.

“Just how much of a handful I truly am.”

“Willful.”

“Opinionated,” she whispered, her lower lip twitching.

“
Yyyeeesss…”

Jessie darted a glance in his direction and realized she was fidgeting.

“Come.” Remaining unblinking, he pointed toward the floor.

Her legs were trembling. Really? Shuddering, Jessie blinked back tears.
Why was this more difficult than she’d realized it would be? Jessie had wanted him to discipline her on a regular basis, becoming the complete head of the household, and now she was quivering like a little girl. Slapping her hand across her mouth, she fought a fit of laughter. Well duh. Being upset as well as uncertain was the entire point about being punished. Still, her emotions were ragged, driving her up the wall.

“Jezebel.”

Now Luke was using
that
voice. He meant business. She took a few steps closer, her heart racing. When she was just in front of him, she lowered to her knees.

“You don’t have to be nervous.”

But she was. Damn, nervous wasn’t the word. “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are
, Jezebel. You’re testing me.” Luke’s voice remained quiet, even.

“Yes,” she whispered, a nervous laugh floating past her lips.

“That stops here.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

The tone of his voice wasn’t harsh at all but Jessie was barely able to breathe. She loathed the concept of disappointin
g him. There was a part of her that simply couldn’t handle the notion, the concept throwing her into self-doubt. “I understand, Sir.” Why did the words seem so hollow?

Luke gripped her chin, pulling her toward him gently. “While I’m gone you’re going to be a good girl. No playing with yourself.
I know I said this to you before, but I want to be clear on this. Do I make myself clear?”

There was a moment Jessie wanted to laugh, but she knew
he was testing her again. Why again with this?
Why?
This she didn’t like. Not at all. “Yes, Sir. No playing with myself.” Just hearing the words said out loud forced a groan from her lips. Was this what she wanted? The answer was a resounding yes. She longed to obey him, no matter what he asked. There were just things he was doing, testing her that was…
No, you won’t think this way.
The more she realized just how much she needed the concept of rules guiding her the less she apprehension she had about his level of punishment.

“Good, girl.
My sweet Jezebel. You’re very right in that you need solid discipline.”

“Yes, S
ir.” She looked away, so many thoughts racing through her mind.

“I truly want you to reflect while I’m gone.
I want you to think about us and what we share and what you want out of our relationship.”

“But I…”

Luke placed two fingers across her mouth and shook his head. “Please allow me to finish. I want you to contemplate what you want now in this relationship and what you need.” Sliding his fingers down from her mouth to her chin, his eyes never left hers. He finally placed his fingers over her heart, pressing the tips into her skin. “You’re questioning so many things. Take the time to figure out what you really want.”

She knew what he was saying. Her nerves were on edge, her heart racing. Luke somehow managed to know so much about her psyche without her saying a work. Nodding, she gave him a slight smile.

Leaning over, he kissed her lips, darting his tongue out once. When he let her go he nodded. “Now it’s time,” Luke stated as he held up a hairbrush and patted his lap. “Take off your gown.”

Oh dear God he was going to spank her naked. “What?” Jessie’s
eyes opened wide. “I mean yes, Sir.” Her legs quaking, she stood slowly and fumbled as she slid her hands down, grabbing the hem of her teddy. Jessie bit her lower lip as she inched the silk up from her thighs to her shoulders and over her head. For some reason she could hear a whooshing sound and every part of her body was electrified, another tinge of fear creeping inside. As she stood naked, she realized she felt so very vulnerable. Darting her eyes away, she had no idea what to do with her hands and the insane realization gave her a nervous tick on both sides of her mouth.

“Stop fidgeting, Jezebel.”

Fidgeting? Goddamn she was freaking.
You cursed. You’re not supposed to curse.
Yeah, she was racking up the bad girl points. She wasn’t certain what she’d expected but she thought she needed something more intense for her first real spanking. Thinking the thought seemed ridiculous. The entire concept about being disciplined was almost as she’d expected and after all these months surreal. Her legs trembling, she shifted forward and eased over his lap. There was something very comforting about his body and the way his legs felt as she draped herself across his lap. A slight sigh escaped her lips and for a few seconds there was a ringing in her ears.

Luke placed one hand on the back of her thigh, brushing up and down.

Jessie knew what he was doing. He was getting her used to the anticipation of being spanked like a bad girl. Every part of her was ready to snap at him to just get on with this, but everything they were doing was about her learning patience. Patience! She wanted to scream and shout she didn’t give a flying fuck about having any. Here she was cursing again. A lump appeared in her throat and there was no way she could swallow the golf ball sized bunch of bile.
Breathe and control. Breathe and control.
As if the damn mantra was going to help.

“You’re learning to follow rules but there are days you purposely try me. You do realize that, don’t you?”

“Yes, Sir.”

Luke exhaled slowly, his hand putting pressure on the small of her back. “Why do you do that to me, to us?”

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do.”

Blood rushed to Jessie’s head as she tried to think about a different way to answer the same question. She’d said it all to him. Hadn’t she? “Because I need your guidance and control, your strong hand.”

“
Mmm… All right. I’ll accept that tonight.”

She heard movement and the second the feel of the cool wood slipped across her naked skin she moaned. There wasn’t a part of her body that wasn’t trembling.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Somehow counting didn’t help.

“Discipline is about love and about helping you understand when you’ve done something wrong and also allowing you to know how much I love you. I do love you. I simply don’t like your willful ways.
They’re something I’m not going to accept any longer. Do you understand what I’m saying, Jezebel?”

These were the tim
es she loathed her name. “Yes, Sir.” She didn’t want to disappoint him and every day she tried to follow his rules, albeit she generally sucked at doing so half the time. Jessie wanted to smack herself. They weren’t strict by any means. Luke wasn’t a harsh or restrictive Dom. Then why couldn’t she follow the simplest requests without mouthing off? Yeah, she needed this more than most submissives. She had to. “Yes, Sir.”