One Step Closer to You (20 page)

I look out of the window. ‘I hope the children behaved for Aunt Viv.’

‘You don’t get it, do you?’

‘Get what?’

He’s gripping the steering wheel now as he stares ahead. ‘I have … oh, God, I don’t know how to say this … I’ve wanted to say it for some time.’

‘Don’t,’ I say, panic growing inside me.

‘I have feelings for you.’ He turns to me.

‘But Ben … ’

‘I have to tell you how I feel.’ He pulls over at the side of the road, switches the engine off.

‘What are you doing?’ I keep on playing the fast-forward button. I want things to stay the same.

‘I’ve never felt this way …’

‘But we’re friends, good friends.’

‘No! It’s more than that. I’ve fallen in love with you, Polly.’

‘But …’ I stop, lost as to what to say.

‘You can’t tell me that the thought hasn’t crossed your mind once?’

‘Yes, yes it has.’ I turn back to Ben. ‘But …’

‘There you go again. I hate the word but.’ He looks at me beseechingly. ‘We know each other so well, there’s no pretence, no secrets, and …’ His hand touches my cheek. ‘When you’re in the room no one else stands a chance.’ He smiles at me, deep affection in his eyes. ‘What’s stopping us?’

I edge away from him. It feels wrong.

‘I’ve wanted to tell you for some time,’ he continues, ‘but I …’

‘Please! Stop! I’m sorry if I’ve led you on, if I’ve given you the wrong impression, the last thing I want to do is hurt you, but …’

‘No more ‘buts’, Polly,’ he cuts me off. ‘I’m sorry.’ He turns on the engine, stares ahead. ‘I thought maybe you felt the same. Clearly I was wrong.’

I feel pain swell in my stomach as we drive home in silence.

*

When I wake up the following morning I wish I wasn’t so clear headed. The memory of the night before rushes back to haunt me. I want to pull the duvet over my head and stay in bed all day. I can’t face seeing Ben and Emily at school.

Aunt Viv knew something was up last night. The moment we walked through the door she said, ‘You two look as if you’ve been to a funeral, not a wedding.’ Her smile vanished when neither of us said a word. Ben simply thanked her and said he’d wake up Emily and then be on his way.

I toss and turn, kick my legs against the mattress. How could I have been so stupid? How do I feel about Ben? I feel so guilty about the way I spoke to him. Louis jumps onto my bed, asking if he can play dressing-up games before school.

‘Not today.’

‘Can penguins fly, Mum?’

I bite my lip. ‘No. They swim. They fly underwater.’

‘Why can’t they fly in the air like other birds?’

I want to scream. Instead I say, ‘I don’t know, sweetheart. Now go and get dressed and we’ll make some breakfast.’

Food is the last thing on my mind. I couldn’t eat a thing.

As we’re about to head out the door, Louis decides to tell me he needs to take something into school beginning with the letter ‘P’.

‘Why tell me now? We’ve had all morning!’

His chin wobbles. He begins to cry as I storm around the house trying to find something, anything will do. I grab a colouring-in pencil before demanding we go right this minute otherwise we’ll be late.

As we walk down Primrose Hill Louis is still crying. As I attempt to calm him down and say sorry, all I can think about is facing Ben and the panic grows inside me again.

At the school gates I bump into Jim.

‘Polly? Are you all right?’

‘Fine, but I’m in a real rush.’ I kiss Louis goodbye before heading to work as fast as I can. That voice inside my head persists. ‘Drink,’ it tempts me. ‘Go on, have a drink. You can have one now, can’t you? You’ve grown up, Polly. You haven’t touched a drop for years! Good on you! See, you can be responsible. You have a job and a home. You pay your rent and bills. You love your son. Surely you can have just one? Don’t you deserve one little drink? It would help take the edge off, give you courage to face Ben.’

I open my bag, hunt for my mobile. I call her.

‘Slow down,’ Neve says. ‘Remember H.A.L.T. Hungry angry lonely tired. You’re probably feeling all these things right now?’

‘I’m not hungry. I feel sick. I’m so
angry
with myself. I don’t know how I feel about Ben. I’m confused …’ I see my friendship with Ben, so precious, crumbling into tiny pieces.

‘Polly, stop. Take a deep breath.’

‘I’m sorry, Neve,’ I mutter.

‘Listen, you’ve called me instead of having a drink, that’s good.’

‘But I could die for one. I haven’t felt this way in a long time, it’s terrifying.’

‘A craving should only last for about half an hour,’ she reassures me. ‘Drink loads of water. Eat something sweet when you get to work. Pray to your Higher Power for strength. This seems like the worst imaginable thing right now, but the answer doesn’t lie in drink. Can you get to a meeting today?’

‘Can I come and see you after I pick Louis up?’

‘Sure. Remember, Polly, the important thing to do when we think it might be a good idea to have a drink is to play the tape forward. So we have a drink … Then what? We have another? Almost definitely. You know as well as I do, it can never be “just one”. Then we might decide to go to a bar and pick up some random man,’ she says, making me think of how Matthew and I began. ‘Look at where that one drink will take you. Is it a place you want to go?’

The following morning, after my first AA meeting, I am sitting at Neve’s kitchen table, drinking my third cup of coffee that day, Joey, her black cat, stretched out on the island.

Nervously I read the Twelve Steps.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
   
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
   
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God …
   

I stop abruptly. ‘Neve, I’m not religious. I’m not even sure I believe in God.’

She sits down beside me as if expecting this. ‘Polly, I can’t stress enough that AA makes no religious demands on you.
AA was founded by Christians but it’s open to everyone. Our home group that you came to yesterday will be made up of Christians, others agnostic, a Buddhist, Harry prays to the angels. Everyone is different. AA merely advocates appealing to a Higher Power, a belief in a power greater than oneself. It’s not about going to church every Sunday. AA is not some cult either. You can leave whenever you like. If you look at Step Three, there are three important words. Can you see them?’

I read the Step out loud. ‘To the care of God as we understand Him.’ All I can see is the word ‘God’.

Neve helps me out. ‘As
we understand Him
. We only recover from our addiction when we admit our powerlessness and the need for “the God of our understanding” to help free us.’

‘What’s your God?’

‘At school I used to picture God in the sky sitting on a puff of clouds, dressed in shrouds, but now God is a shaft of sunlight that you see through the trees, or it’s seeing my two children eat their vegetables.’ She smiles. ‘When I hit my rock bottom and finally admitted I needed help, I began to hear this strong and loving voice that over time helped the madness, the insanity going on in my head. I had a problem with food as well as drink and drugs,’ she confides. ‘“If you eat cereal out of a mug instead of a bowl it doesn’t count,” said this gremlin in my head, or “Throw the food in the dustbin, Neve, you don’t need it.” Then I’d wake
up with that bloody voice telling me to eat it, so I’d rush out in the middle of the night and fish the food out of the bin. Something has to give! This madness is unsustainable. Praying helped me get moments of sanity and gradually I began to hear a much calmer voice guiding me through this wilderness. People might laugh …’

‘I’m not.’

‘A voice told me to talk to my father, say sorry before it was too late. I visited him in hospital and he died only hours later. Cynics will think it was just a coincidence, he was ill anyway, but I believe it’s something deeper than that. Some people think only they know best, they want to quit their own way. Well, that’s fine, but the thing you need to ask yourself is, “Can I stay sober alone?” We all need help sometimes, Polly.’

@GateauAuChocolat
Autumnal flavours today … Butternut squash soup, aubergine, feta & thyme tart & Polly’s banana cake!

I haven’t seen Ben for two days and I’ve missed him. I need to sort out this mess. I can’t keep on running away. I don’t want to go back to the old Polly.

The shop is quiet. Mary-Jane is washing up in her Marigolds. Aunt Viv is eating her soup. ‘What’s wrong, Polly? Sit down.’ She indicates to the chair next to her.

I decide it’s time to tell her exactly what’s going on. She listens. I can tell Mary-Jane’s ears are pricked too.

‘Don’t keep on avoiding him, Polly,’ Aunt Viv says.

I nod. ‘I feel so bad. There he was, confessing he loved me, and I threw it back in his face.’

‘Darling, are you sure you don’t feel the same way?’

I feel far from sure. My head is spinning, nothing is clear to me anymore.

‘After he told you, why did you want to have a drink?’ she asks gently.

‘I was scared, panicked, unprepared for it. I don’t like not feeling in control, I don’t trust myself when I feel that way.’

‘I understand. Even now, after all these years, I find change or anything out of the ordinary makes me have that moment too. Listen, tell me if I’m wrong, but maybe you’re scared of being vulnerable again? It’s easier to cruise along and not put yourself out there. You’re nervous of entering a relationship where it might actually
mean
something.’

‘I’ve had a few relationships since Matt.’

‘Yes, but both with men who weren’t going to break your heart, and if you’re honest with yourself, I think that’s exactly why you picked them. Ben has broken down your defences.’

I’m quiet.

‘What else did he say to you that night?’

Tears fill my eyes thinking how much I must have hurt him. ‘“When you’re in the room no one else stands a chance.”’

Mary-Jane takes her hands out of the sink and heads towards me with grim determination. ‘You have this very nice man saying he loves you and here you are … all sad, as if it’s the end of the world, boo hoo! Happiness doesn’t come along often, so when it does …’ she thrusts her Marigolds towards us, warm soapy water spraying on to my face, ‘you grab it, you stupid girl.’

‘Mary-Jane is right,’ says Aunt Viv. ‘I’ve made more than
my fair share of mistakes, but when I met Jean, as annoying and French as he can be …’

‘I heard that,’ he calls from upstairs.

‘I took a chance on this place and on him, and boy am I glad I did.’

‘Thanks. I heard that too.’

I stand up. ‘You’re right.’

‘So go!’ Mary-Jane shoos me away like an annoying fly. ‘I can finish up here.’

Just as I’m about to call up to Jean to ask if it’s all right to leave, ‘Go, Polly!’ he says. ‘
Bonne chance!
’

I put on my jacket and run towards the door, but before I leave I turn to Aunt Viv and Mary-Jane. ‘Thank you,’ I say, ‘I needed to hear that.’

*

Outside, I dial Ben’s number. The moment he comes on to the line I know something is wrong. ‘It’s Emily,’ he says. ‘She’s hurt her arm.’

Ben tells me he can’t talk; he’s about to pick her up from school and take her straight to hospital.

‘Do you want me to come with you?’

He hesitates.

‘I’ll jump in a cab and be at the school gates in five,’ I say, giving him no choice, before I call Aunt Viv, asking if she can pick Louis up later and look after him until I get home. There’s been an emergency with Emily.

*

Ben, Emily and I walk through the doors of A & E. Emily has one of Ben’s woolly jumpers wrapped round her shoulders. She’s crying, punctuated little sobs. When we’re seen by a duty doctor, he looks carefully at her arm and I do my best not to turn away when I see a big swollen lump where there shouldn’t be. Ben informs the doctor that she’d fallen hard onto the stone steps leading to the classroom, her hand outstretched, and she must have hit the ground at an odd angle. ‘I’d seen a dead bird,’ Emily mutters tearfully, ‘and it made me scared when someone said my mum was dead too, like the bird.’

The doctor promises her everything will be fine, before informing us that Emily will need to have an X-ray. My mobile rings. Flustered I dig into my handbag, apologising. Without looking at the screen I switch it off. ‘I suspect she’s broken her arm above the elbow.’ The doctor turns to Emily with a warm smile, ‘But don’t worry, you’ll be as right as rain in no time.’

‘Do you want me to stay?’ I ask Ben, when Emily is led into the X-ray room.

*

It’s early evening when Ben and I are on the children’s ward, waiting for Emily to be taken down to theatre. Ben had to sign a consent form, the doctor warning him that as with any operation there are risks. She will need her arm pinned and will be put under a general anaesthetic; the operation should take an hour or so. Ben is perched on the edge of
her bed. I’m sitting beside her, on a deeply uncomfortable bright-blue plastic leather armchair with a high back. Emily looks pale in her white hospital gown. ‘I want my mummy,’ she says, her face crumbling.

Ben moves closer, puts his arms around her. ‘I’m so sorry, Emily, but I’m here. Uncle Ben is here. And Polly is here too, and everything is going to be fine.’

‘I want Mummy,’ she repeats, Ben helplessly trying to comfort her.

When Emily is wheeled off to theatre, he turns to me, anguish in his eyes. ‘She’s so little,’ he says. ‘If anything happens to her …’

‘It won’t,’ I promise.

*

For the next hour, while Emily is in theatre, Ben and I take a walk around the hospital. I suggest we find something to eat, buying us both a tired-looking chicken salad sandwich that neither of us wants from the canteen. When I turn my mobile back on, only to make sure Aunt Viv hasn’t called, I see I have five missed calls, all from a number I don’t recognise. ‘If you need to call someone,’ Ben murmurs. I tuck the phone firmly back into my bag. ‘No, it’s fine.’ I try to keep the conversation going, unsuccessfully. It’s as if the clocks have stopped for Ben. Time is suspended. He’s not with me; he’s lying next to Emily. I sense he’s thinking of Grace too, how her death was so unexpected, that anything can happen when you least expect it. ‘I know it’s only a broken
arm,’ he mutters when we’re returning to the ward, ‘but …’ He pauses. ‘I can’t lose Emily. I know I’ll never be enough for her, she wants her mum, but she means the world to me. She’s the only part of Grace left. Does that make sense? What if something goes wrong?’ He glances at his watch for what feels like the millionth time. I realise that whatever I say isn’t going to calm him, so I put my arms around him instead.

*

When the nurse tells us that Emily is in recovery and that the operation went well, the relief on Ben’s face is overwhelming. ‘When can I see her?’ he asks, strength returning in his voice.

‘Now,’ the nurse replies with an encouraging smile, ‘but she will need to stay in hospital overnight to be monitored, it’s standard procedure.’

I call Aunt Viv to give her an update. ‘Stay as long as he needs you,’ she says.

Emily is woozy when she wakes up, her arm in a cast. I stand back, making sure Ben is the first person she sees. Disorientated, she looks around, as if searching for something lost. ‘Mummy,’ she says.

Ben grips her hand, kisses her cheek. ‘It’s Uncle Ben. Mummy’s not here,’ he says softly, ‘but that doesn’t mean she’s not thinking of us. She’s watching over you and me, especially you, and she loves you. I love you too. What a brave girl you are.’

‘Daddy,’ she says. Ben glances at me for a split second, before turning back to her. I am almost in tears.

‘Daddy,’ she repeats, trying to hug him with her good arm.

Tears are in his eyes as they hug, Ben trying not to touch her cast. ‘Don’t scare me like that again, you’re so precious.’ Ben gestures for me to come forward. I kiss Emily on the cheek and hold her hand, realising how much I need to talk to Ben. In front of me are two people I care about deeply. They have become my family.

*

Back on the children’s ward it’s quiet, the lights dimmed and visiting hours over. Emily is settled in bed, having her blood pressure and temperature taken. She’s exhausted, drifting in and out of sleep.

‘Don’t hang around,’ Ben says to me. ‘You must be tired.’

‘What are you going to do?’

‘Stay here. They said I could sleep on the chair.’ He gestures to the uncomfortable bright-blue plastic thing next to the bed.

I gather my jacket and handbag, still desperately wishing I could say something to Ben about the other night, but …

‘I’ll walk you to the lift,’ he says.

The hospital corridor is eerily quiet, the lifts at the far end of the building. ‘She called you Daddy,’ I say.

I can see pride in his eyes. ‘All I want is for her to feel loved. I know what it’s like not having a father, and then
losing her mum so suddenly. She hasn’t had the easiest of starts,’ he says, putting it lightly.

‘Grace would be so proud of you both, you know.’

‘Thank you. And thank you for being here.’

I inhale deeply, my pace slowing down as I pluck up the courage to say, ‘I know now probably isn’t the best time to talk …’

‘Let’s not.’

‘I’m so sorry, Ben, about …’

‘You don’t need to explain.’

‘Yes. Yes I do. What you said that night, it came as a shock.’

He raises an eyebrow. ‘A rude shock.’

We both smile for the first time that evening. ‘What you said, it must have taken courage, but …’ We both stop walking, the lifts getting too close.

‘No more buts, Polly.’

‘But I need to say this.’ We continue to walk on slowly. ‘I do care about you.’

He stares ahead. ‘But you want to be just friends. I understand.’

‘I don’t know. All I do know is my life wouldn’t be half as happy if you weren’t in it. I feel …’ I shrug, trying to understand my feelings for him. ‘The thing is, I haven’t wanted to look at you in that way.’ I think back to our first evening together, when I taught him how to plait Emily’s
hair. ‘There was so much going on with you looking after Emily and grieving for Grace, I didn’t think …’

‘Nor did I. I didn’t plan to feel this way, you can’t plan falling in love or making it fit into your diary.’

I nod. ‘I haven’t had such a close friendship in years, well, ever,’ I admit. ‘What we have is special and I want to keep it safe.’

We reach the lifts and Ben gently turns me towards him. ‘I have an idea.’

‘Go on.’

‘Why don’t we go out on a few dates without the children? Give us a chance, Polly. I’ll keep my hands off, they’ll stay firmly in my pockets, but maybe you’ll see me in a different way, maybe you might grow to love me.’

‘I don’t think it’ll be hard.’

‘Thank you for being with me tonight,’ he says again.

‘I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.’

He touches my cheek, the palm of his hand warm against my skin. ‘I’d better go. See how Emily is.’

‘Be careful of that blue chair,’ I warn him, since I’d been playing with it while Ben had been talking to the anaesthetist. ‘It snaps back into the upright position when you’re least expecting it. If I were you, I’d sleep on the empty bed next door.’

‘Thanks for the tip.’

I’m about to enter the lift when I turn back to him. ‘When did you know, Ben?’

His face softens. ‘Camping. When we danced in the mud.’

He leans forward, kissing me gently on the lips. I don’t pull away. ‘Now go,’ he says. I inch backwards into the lift, smiling at him as I press the down button. Ben stands there, waiting, as the doors shut.

*

As I head up the stairs to my flat, a wave of excitement overtakes exhaustion. I feel hope in my stride. I want to give us a chance. I think of Janey and how much has happened during her honeymoon. I can’t wait to talk to her when she gets back. My mind returns to Ben again. I imagine him sitting on the ugly blue chair, trying to get some sleep. Emily has been unlucky in so many ways, my heart breaks for her, but she’s also won the lottery with him.

I turn the key in the lock and enter the hallway, taking my jacket off. Louis’s bedroom door is slightly ajar, the lights off. Quietly I poke my head round the door and see my boy all curled up, in the shape of a kidney bean, looking so peaceful. Aunt Viv approaches and ushers me into the kitchen. I plonk my handbag on to the barstool. ‘I didn’t think I’d be this late,’ I say. ‘I’m so sorry if I’ve kept you up.’

‘Don’t worry. Polly …’

I put the kettle on. ‘Emily’s fine. The op went well.’

‘Good.’

I reach for the tin of herbal teas. ‘Want one?’

‘No. I’m all right.’

‘Ben’s sleeping at the hospital. Oh, Aunt Viv, it was so emotional, she called him Dad for the first time.’ I turn round to face her. ‘And then after all the drama we managed to talk. We were walking to the lifts …’ I stop, noticing Aunt Viv looks pale and distracted. ‘Are you OK?’

‘I’m not sure,’ she says, before sitting down on the other barstool. ‘Sit down, Polly.’

Nervous, I obey her.

‘He called.’

‘Who called?’

‘Matthew. Somehow he tracked you down.’

‘Matthew,’ I repeat, suddenly remembering my mobile ringing earlier in hospital. Those strange missed calls. The times I didn’t recognise the number. The silence on the other end. I pace the room. ‘Did you speak to him?’

She shakes her head. ‘He left a message on your machine. I almost deleted it.’

I walk over to the answer machine in the corner of the kitchen and press ‘Play’.

‘Polly, it’s me.’

I shiver at the familiarity of his voice.

‘I know it’s been a long time, but don’t hang up, give me a chance to explain. I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to talk to you for a long time, but each time I called you, I lost my nerve. I mean why would you want anything to do with me ever again? But we need to talk. There are things I need to say, sorry most importantly, and that I’ve changed.
Can we meet?’ He clears his throat. ‘I want to see my son. I want to get to know Louis.’

‘Men like him never change,’ Aunt Viv says, unable to keep the loathing out of her voice.