Out of Grief (11 page)

Quinn looked perplexed, until I moved my hands to her breasts, and I began to worship her. The sound of my name being moaned as I deftly worked my way around each breast was only fueling my need.

I bit my lip, as my hands dragged slowly down Quinn’s torso to play with the waistband on her shorts. Nothing so far had been awkward, but there was always that moment. And there was always the chance I was pushing too far. I said a silent prayer that I wasn’t.

The universe must have heard me, as Quinn panted out, “Take them off. Please, take them off now.” Her fingers brushed my skin as they snaked around the elastic of my boxers, pushing them down.

Quinn moved away long enough to pull off my boxers, and then to rid herself of her shorts and underwear in one fell swoop. The break was long enough for me to realize that it was Quinn looking at me with desire. The woman of my dreams and fantasies who was now moving her hands up my biceps, before capturing my lips in a heated kiss. The object of my affections who was now pressing her body against mine, making every inch of me tingle. It was Quinn who was hot and wet against me.

I fought against the part of my mind that wondered if we truly were friends passing over into lovers, or if I could wake tomorrow and find her gone. But it was too late. I was lost in every sensation Quinn was pulling out of me.

I closed my eyes against the tears that threatened to burst forward. I had to trust— something I had been unable to do for so long. I had to truly trust my heart to her, to what I saw in her eyes. Had to trust the hand firmly grasping my hand, pushing it down to where she needed me most. Had to trust the liquid now covering my fingers as I slowly stroked between her drenched folds, testing the waters with a gentle push.

Finding my answer in her gentle, “Please, Nikki … please!” I pushed two fingers into her, feeling her hips buck against me. I carefully added a third, her small whimper fueling me on.

As I looked up, I saw something I never dreamt I’d see. Quinn was coming undone. Sweat coated her body, her curls pasted to her forehead, and as she moved against my hand there was something raw and oh so very real about her, about this moment. I was inside her, a part of her— the cause of all the sounds filling the air now.

She was taking what she needed, and I was giving it without question. It was something I had always done. But now, in this moment, here with me deep inside her, she was mine. If only for this moment, she was truly mine. I struggled to hold on to the moment, to commit it to memory, and to say a prayer that it would be the first of many.

And then she shuddered against me, her fingers digging into my shoulder, causing a combination of pain and pleasure as she came. Her forehead dropped against mine, and I tried to breathe with her. As I eased her to her side, I withdrew my fingers. The whimper at the loss of contact, clutched my heart, and then I saw the tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Quinn, I’m—”

Her hand was clamped against my mouth. “I know tears frighten you. But if you say you’re sorry right now, I will not reciprocate. And trust me I have plans for you, my love.”

All the fear drained from my body with a simple term of endearment. I pulled the comforter around us. “Plans, huh?”

“I don’t know if I can make you feel what I did just now,” she murmured. “But trust me, I’m going to try.”

“I can’t wait.” I placed a kiss to her forehead and pulled her closer. “Just rest for now.”

Chapter Twenty-Six

“Call from Mom … call from Mom …” Quinn’s phone announced. I opened my eyes, and was happy to see she was still resting soundly in my arms, where she had crashed last night.

“Not to put a damper on things, but your mother is calling.” I kissed her bare shoulder, and she turned to snuggle against my breast.

“She’ll give up in a couple minutes.”

“You mean she dials until you answer?”

“Sometimes,” she mumbled.

“Were you supposed to call her?”

Her eyes popped open, and she bolted up. “Oh, shit! I never told her I got here safely.”

I reached for my phone on the nightstand. “And mine was on silent.” I handed her my phone. “She called me five times already.”

“Call from Mom … Call from Mom …Call from Mom …”

Quinn retrieved her shorts from the floor, grabbed the phone, took a deep breath, and hit answer. “Hey, Mom.”

“Don’t you ‘Hey’ me!” I could hear her mother’s scream through the phone from where I was sitting. “I’ve been worried sick. What was so important that you couldn’t check in?”

Quinn looked at me and bit her lip. God, she was adorable.

“Well?” her mother screamed.

“Sorry, Mom. We lost track of time, that’s all.”

“You sound like you just woke up. Were you sleeping?”

“As a matter of fact.”

“Sleeping until 10 am. What’s wrong with you? If you think you’re going to come back home and pull this kind of crap on me…”

“Oh, good God!” Quinn looked at me for help.

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Don’t take that tone of voice with me, missy.”

“Mom. I didn’t come back here to live with you.”

“Well, who do you think is going to watch your baby when you start that fancy job of yours?”

“Fancy job?” I mouthed.

She covered the receiver and looked at me. “Not now!”

“If you think I’m going to watch that baby while you’re out having a good time with your friends, you’ve got another thing coming!”

“Mom, you’re not listening to me. I’m not living with you. I’m living with Nikki.”

“You most certainly are not.”

“That’s the reason I came back. I needed to be closer to Nikki. Especially if we’re going to raise this baby.” She moved in to my arms, and I held her close to me, while I tried to process what I was hearing.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about being with the person I love most in this world. That shouldn’t be hard to comprehend.” She kissed me lightly on the top of my head.

“But every one will think you’re a lesbian—“

“I don’t know if I am or not.” She tucked her hand under my chin; gently lifting until her eyes met mine. “But I do know I’m in love with her. And I leave you to process that, until we speak again.” She pressed the stop button and set the phone on the nightstand. “Well, that should keep her stewing for a while.”

“You just told your mother that you love me.”

“It’s not like I didn’t tell you first.” she said, moving into my lap and letting her head bump against mine.

“I know that. But let me reiterate … you told
YOUR
mother.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Are you sure she was ready for that?”

“That’s her problem.” She kissed me, and tugged playfully at my bottom lip. “I’m exactly where I want to be.”

“What’s this about a fancy job?”

“There’s a position opening up at the MET in six months. One of the Board members where I work heard about it and recommended me. It’s not final yet, but the first two interviews went well. And it would time right with my pregnancy.”

“You’ll get it.”

“You don’t know that.” She pushed me back, and began kissing me.

“Call from Mom … Call from Mom … Call from Mom…” She reached over, hit the reject button, and pushed a few others.

“You think it’s wise not to take that?”

“I turned it off. I have better things to do right now.” Her eyes sparkled.

“You do, do you?”

“There’s something I wanted to do last night that I didn’t get to.” I thought back to all the things we had done last night, and how she had kept her promise, and then some.

Her hands were tugging at my hips now closer to the edge of the bed, and it dawned on me. I reached up to brush a curl back off her face. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, it’s just hard for me to lay on my stomach now.” She said beginning to kneel on the floor at the edge of the bed. Her hands were running lazy circles up each of my thighs, and I felt my breath hitch. The thought of her inside me last night had me panting and screaming out her name. Something I was sure to hear about from the old lady who lived next door. But this … this might require purchasing noise-cancelling headphones for her.

When her fingers were finally replaced by her tongue drawing lazy circles on one thigh and then another, I grabbed a handful of the sheets. I didn’t want to rush her, by guiding her head to where I needed her most, but the teasing was becoming unbearable.

I felt my leg being lifted as she placed it over her shoulder, moving closer to her goal. And when her tongue finally reached it, I had no choice but to grasp the back of her head and keep it there. I loved doing this to my lover, but rarely had anyone repaid the favor. But Quinn was undaunted in her quest to satisfy me. “Oh, sweet, Jesus!” I heard myself cry as she pushed her tongue deep inside me. She pushed several more times, eliciting more cries to the deities. And then she focused her attention on the center of all feeling. Her hand pressed tightly against my abdomen to feel every twitch and contraction as my body soared and then trembled with release.

My hand fell from her hair, and I felt her rise and move me over on the bed so that she could spoon me in her arms. She turned my head so that she could kiss me, and I tasted myself on her lips. Not one to worship at the altar of religion, I still felt the need to go light a candle for this gift I had been given. “That was …”

“Incredible,” she whispered into my ear. “I love watching you come. You’re so beautiful.” She kissed my shoulder and pulled me closer to her.

I tried to keep from falling asleep, but my eyes were closing as she whispered soft loving words in my ear.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I woke suddenly from a dream, and reached for Quinn. She wasn’t there. I wrapped the sheet around myself, and went out in to my living room. I called her name, but there was no answer. I couldn’t find her anywhere. I went back into the bedroom. Her clothes and her phone were gone.
This wasn’t happening,
I told myself, over and over again, as I grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Every bad scenario I could think of played out in my mind, as I tried to figure out where she could have gone. I had just finished tying my chucks when I heard the key in the lock.

“Oh, you’re awake.” She set the keys back in the bowl by the door where I kept them. “Good, we can share this.” She set a bag of what smelled like Indian food down on the coffee table. “Are you hungry?”

Normally I would order from Ajanta. But despite the fact that the food smelled appetizing, my stomach was turning.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Not true. Something’s different.” She lifted my chin so she could look in to my eyes. “Oh, you didn’t see the note, did you?”

“The note?”

“I left it on your night stand.”

The note was exactly where she said it was. Written in her impeccable penmanship were the words,

You looked so peaceful, didn’t have the heart to wake you. Getting food. Baby’s craving curry. Be back soon. I love you
–
Q

I felt her presence behind me, as I folded the note and set it back on the nightstand. The relief was overwhelming. I needed a moment.

Her arms wrapped around me. “You thought I left, didn’t you?”

I couldn’t say the words, but I could nod my head.

“That’s not going to happen.” She turned me so we were facing each other. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

“I spent so long thinking this, us; you and I were never anything more than a fantasy. I just need some time to know it’s not—“

“I was your fantasy?”

“Don’t look so surprised.”

“You’re right. You’ve always been clear about how you felt about me. But you are so … chivalrous.”

“I want this, Quinn. I do. I just need to know what changed.”

“I did.” She took my hand and led me back into the living room. “I promise we’ll have this conversation, but I really have to eat something before I pass out.”

***

I set the empty take out box on the coffee table and sank back into my couch cushions. She was right. We had worked up an appetite.

Quinn was polishing off the last samosa. She wiped her hands and leaned against me, resting her head on my shoulder. “That hit the spot.”

My fingers sifted through her hair, and we sat that way for a while. Despite our shared love of words, we could spend hours together without a word. The time never seemed awkward, but rather oddly comforting.

She took my hand in hers and lifted it to her lips, gently kissing it, before intertwining her fingers with mine. “When you left, I had time to think. At first, I thought about my marriage, and what went wrong.”

“What happened with Steven wasn’t your fault.”

She squeezed my hand. “I know. Let me get this out. Okay?”

“You don’t—“

“No. You’re right. I changed the dynamics of our relationship. You have always been honest about how you felt, and I need to be clear about how I feel.” She arched her back, and instinctively I placed my hand on the small of her back and began to massage the muscles. She sighed. “That feels wonderful.”