Perfect (15 page)

then starts the truck and heads up

the highway toward Virginia City.

Thank God it has stopped snowing.

My fingers play with the pendant

Sean gave me, sliding it back

and forth along the chain, the motion

sensuous. The road snakes south,

then north, ultimately taking us east,

and I wonder if life is like that. Go

one way, then another, to end up

someplace else. Finally Sean pulls

into a turnout overlooking city lights.

“Beautiful.” I lift up on my knees,

turn to face him, kiss him as if this

might be our last kiss—intention clear

in the race of my heart and the way

my tongue tangos over his. He pulls

back.
Wait. Are you sure?
In answer,

I squirm free of my sweater.
Now, that’s

beautiful
. His lips move over me,

wet and rough and punctuated

by sharp nips of teeth. He lays me

back across the seat and his thumb

runs along the waistband of my jeans.

Danger scent envelopes me.
You

are ready, aren’t you?
He fumbles

at my waistband and I hurry

the unbuttoning, desire a steady

thrumming, like rain upon

tin. Strangely, I’m not afraid.

Sean is a hot salt rub, friction

against my skin, and it all feels

good. Right. I reach for his belt,

want to touch what’s below his belly

button. Except… it isn’t how it should

be. Sean rolls away.
Goddamn it. No!

Stunned, tears spatter my cheeks.

“What’s wrong? What did I do?”

Hands shaking on the steering

wheel, Sean whispers,
It wasn’t you
.

Kendra

It Wasn’t Me

That’s what you said—

it wasn’t me who sent

you running, spinning

into someone else’s arms.

No,

it had nothing to do with

me. So why do I think

if I had only been thin

as rays of dawning sun

it

all would have worked

out differently? Flawless,

you needed a girl without

imperfections, and that

wasn’t

the troll who lives in

the room beyond

the looking glass. No,

your perfect girl wasn’t

me.

An Ugly Rumor

Has surfaced, scum rising to stink

up the hallways at school. I get it

from Bobby Duvall.
Did you hear

about Mrs. Sanders?
His tongue, I swear,

lolls to one side, like a summer-tired

dog.
She and Conner were… you know.

“What are you talking about, Bobby?”

But I see the story in his eyes, and in

how some of the other kids passing

by stare, then quickly look away.

Kali Benson told me. She was in

the office and heard Jerkwad Taylor

talking to the superintendent. Looks like

we’ll have subs for the rest of the year.

I want to scream that it’s a lie. But

certainty plunks into my empty stomach.

Of course it’s true. Conner trashed me

for a teacher. A woman twice his age.

I don’t see what all the hype is about,

you know? I mean, she didn’t, like, force

herself on him. Ask me, he was a lucky

son of a bitch. She’s a fucking babe.

I smoke him with my eyes. “Shut up,

Bobby. The whole thing is totally vile.”

Blood whistles in my ears, and my face

drains, cold. The mirror would tell me it’s

the color of chalk. I reach one shaky hand

inside my locker, grab a small bag of dry-roasted

almonds. I take five, chew them one

at a time, seven calories each. Thirty-five total.

I’m starving. Haven’t eaten since breakfast,

yesterday. So why is it so hard to swallow?

Distracted

Light-headed. Irritated by the stupid

gurgling in my stomach. Five almonds

will not get me through PE, which means

I have to eat lunch or risk passing out. Good

thing I brought a salad. Lettuce. Red cabbage.

Half a carrot, grated. No dressing. Forty-three

calories, all negative. Now, to find a private

place to eat. I can’t handle the swarm of voices.

Every time I let my ears pick up conversation,

hey hear the same snippets:
Mrs. Sanders.

Conner Sykes. Sex. Sex. Sex.
Goddamn him.

He told me he loved me. I loved—love—

him, too, so I said okay. Did he love me?

Did he love her, too? Did she love him?

Love is supposed to take the “wrong”

out of making love. Was any of “us” right?

Too Icy

To run outside, we’re doing laps

around the gym. The wood is slick

and hard, but I like how my legs feel,

pounding against it. Some of the girls

jog slowly, doing their best not to breathe

hard. Slugs. I sprint by them, spraying sweat.

Comments follow me:
Ooh. Disgusting.

What’s she trying to prove? Stupid

cheerleaders think they’re special.

If she gets any skinnier, she’ll blow

away in a good, stiff wind.
And then,

She used to go out with Conner Sykes.…

I run even faster, before the rest catches

up to me. I glance at the big clock on the wall.

Thank God. The period is almost over.

Thank God I can leave when we’re through.

Picking My Way

To my car, trying not to slip on

the snow-frosted parking lot, I am

almost there when I spot Cara,

working her way to Sean’s truck,

parked in the row behind. “Wait!” I yell,

picking up my pace, even if it means

falling flat on my butt—something

I just barely avoid. “I need to talk to you.”

The scarlet flush of her face tells

me she knows what I have to say.

I’m sorry, Kendra. This was a bad

way for you to find out.
Zero denial.

Not at all what I expected. Still, I have

to know. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She stands, a hand on each hip, little

in the way of compassion in her eyes.

I couldn’t.
Her voice is sharp as new

nails.
But even if I could, I wouldn’t have.

You’d been hurt enough already. I’m

sorry you had to find out. That anybody did.

“Me too. How is he doing? Do you

know? Have you talked to him?”

She shakes her head.
He’s still not

allowed phone calls. And my parents

don’t want to discuss him with me.

Or each other, for that matter.

That doesn’t surprise me. He never

said much about them either. And what

he did say wasn’t very nice. “Okay.

Well, I’ve got to go. I have a photo shoot.”

We head opposite directions—she, toward

her boyfriend. Me, forever away from mine.

That Seems More And More

Like reality. Not sure why I thought

maybe we’d get back together again.

Wishful thinking pretty much always

comes back to slap you in the face.

I think about Conner all the way home.

Think about him and Mrs. Sanders while

I curl my hair, and put on the kind of makeup

that makes you look older in magazines.

My agent, Maxine, showed me how to