Phoenix (39 page)

“How can you act like this is nothing to you? That I’m nothing? You can’t wipe away our relationship because it suits your needs. Jesus, Caroline.”

How odd to have their roles reversed, with him unable to control his emotions. “You need to calm down. If you won’t let me go, I’ll figure out a way to join the battle against Santos on my own,” Caroline said. “I have men loyal to me.”

Jack walked to the back of the room. He stared at the wall for a moment before returning to face her. “You’re saying that they would choose to leave here with you rather than stay with the rest of the rebels?”

“Absolutely. You know I’m right.”

“And you’d leave me too?” he asked quietly.

Jack needed to let go of her. Break free. Move on to someone less dramatic, less complicated, less broken. It was better for both of them that way. Caroline had figured that out over the past month, despite her heart telling her the complete opposite. She decided to twist the knife. Not that it took much; she’d twisted it so many times that she was surprised he hadn’t completely bled out yet.

“I have no good reason to stay,” she said.

He turned away from her, but not before she saw the hurt in his eyes. “I don’t care what your motivations are. I don’t care if you’re doing it because you want me to suffer. I don’t want you to do this.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do. Not anymore.”

Jack tentatively reached a hand to her face. “I never told you what to do. Ever.”

No. He couldn’t touch her. Every time he did that she got confused. The caresses, the little finger trails here and there, the hugs, the strokes, the affectionate tones…Caroline had to stay focused or she’d lose her nerve. She shoved him away again. “You don’t get to make my decisions for me. You’re the commander of the rebels but don’t confuse me with anything other than a footsoldier who’s willing to do her part for the cause.”

“You’re more than that to me. I’m not going to pretend otherwise, even if you act like I’m nothing to you. I can’t stand that you’re behaving like this, especially when I thought we were finding our way back to each other. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, least of all me or the other troops. Please don’t do this, baby.”

She closed her eyes momentarily, determined not to let his term of endearment sway her. “I told you not to call me that. You’re putting us in an impossible position. If you keep me here, the other soldiers will know you’re playing favorites. If I back out, I lose the trust of the men I brought here and anyone else who might eventually be under my command.”

He pointed a finger at her. “That’s exactly why you volunteered, isn’t it? You knew there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it without losing the confidence of the rest of the rebels here. You’ve been manipulating me and everyone else from the very beginning.”

She couldn’t be that underhanded if she tried. It wasn’t her fault it shook out that way. “I did it because it’s the right thing to do, Jack. We need to stop Santos. You’ve known that since Harrisburg. I’m not going to sit here and watch it unfold because you’re too scared to let me do anything.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Oh, like he would dare play that fucking card now. Caroline grabbed his arm and turned him around. “I’m going.”

He shook free of her grasp and straightened his shirt. “Fine. I need you to get to the briefing room early tomorrow. Seven instead of eight. Make sure your men are ready to go.”

“We’re always ready,” she said, her back already to him as she left the room.

*              *              *              *              *

She had planned on making a quick escape. Heading back to her apartment, clearing her head. But Natalie was waiting outside for her. What the fuck? Against her better judgment, Caroline followed the doctor into an adjacent room.

“You too?” she asked. “Do I need to fill out a dance card?”

Natalie glared at her. “Why did you volunteer?”

Had she been at the meeting? Maybe Jack wasn’t the only one following Caroline around. “You said I was cleared to return to duty.”

“You are, but that doesn’t mean you have to engage in a suicide mission. Jesus.”

“I have to do this.”

“What are you trying to prove?”

“I trained for this. So did the guys. It’s time for us to earn our keep.”

Natalie gestured toward the room next to them. “He was getting too close, wasn’t he?”

How had she known who Caroline had been talking to? “Excuse me?”

“Jack. He got too close so you had to push him away again. You’ve been avoiding both of us ever since you went back to work.” Natalie shook her head. “There would have been less dangerous ways to pull back, Caroline.”

“You don’t need to psychoanalyze every decision I make,
Natalie
,” Caroline retorted, using the same tone.

“Of course I do. You don’t do anything without a reason.
Anything
. Especially when it comes to him.”

“You’re overstepping, Doctor. And you’re completely incorrect.”

“Bullshit,” Natalie snapped. “The two of you have this weird dynamic where every conscious decision you make is calculated with regard to the other person. You can lie to everybody else but I’ve seen it.”

Caroline clasped her hands together and cocked her head. “Would you like to yell at me some more?”

Natalie glared at her. “Yes, actually.”

She flounced into a chair by a table in the corner and crossed her legs. “Go ahead.”

Natalie sat down across the table from her. “The concept isn’t nearly as much fun if you’re going to let me do it.”

It was hard not to smile. “Letting opportunities slip away. I’m disappointed in you.”

Natalie sighed. “Caroline, come on. Why are you doing this? You have to know you’re walking into a hornet’s nest. Are you going to fall on your sword for nothing?”

“It isn’t nothing. Jack and his advisors wouldn’t have us going in there if it were nothing.”

“It’s not,” Natalie conceded. “But it’s not worth your life to try and achieve this relatively minor goal.”

“Are you implying that I’m more important than the other soldiers here? That’s not very egalitarian.”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t. I have the same obligations as any other person who took it upon themselves to join this cause.”

“You’ve done enough already. You don’t need to give anything else.”

“I want to do it,” Caroline said.

“I should have never said you were ready to go back to work,” Natalie said quietly.

That sounded like a veiled threat. “So now I’m unstable, too?”

“I’m beginning to think so. Being tortured to the brink of insanity wasn’t enough for you? You want to jump into that pile again?”

Caroline was sick of the gentle handling. Of the implication that there was a quota for sacrifice. Fuck her trainers, fuck her doctor, fuck the commander. Fuck all of them. “I didn’t come here to do nothing!” she shouted. “Do you know what it’s like, feeling like I’m coddled, like I’m this figurehead, this person unfairly placed on a pedestal? I did nothing other than act on instinct for one fleeting moment before hacking into a government database and almost getting myself killed. I want to fucking
do
something!”

“Even if it costs your life?”

“I’ll be fine,” Caroline said.

“What if you’re not?”

Caroline was trying to sell it, but Natalie wasn’t buying. “We all take chances. This is just another chance.”

“What do you think it will do to Jack if you don’t come back?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Natalie. Nothing’s going to happen to me.”

“But what if it does?”

“He’ll be fine.”

“No, he won’t,” Natalie said. “You know he won’t. Why are you doing this to him?”

Maybe she could frame her reasoning in a comforting fabric of empowerment. “I’m not doing anything to him. I’m doing it for me.”

Natalie looked down at her hands. “What about me?”

That was an unexpected turn. “What about you?”

“You’re my friend,” Natalie said shakily. “Like, a really good friend. Maybe you only think of me as your therapist, but I don’t. And I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

Caroline bit her lip. How inconsiderate was she to totally miss what Dr. Haddad had meant? “Natalie-”

“I don’t want you to do this,” she whispered.

Caroline got up out of her chair, knelt down, and put her hand on the other woman’s thigh. “I’m sorry, kid. I have to do this. I know I can’t make you understand.”

“You don’t belong out there,” Natalie said. “You belong here. With Jack. And hanging out with me since I’m being so selfish about it. You’re too good for the grunt work.”

“I’m not,” she said. “I was made for the grunt work.”

“You’re a natural leader. A highly intelligent woman. You need to stay where your skills can be utilized in the best way. That involves more than you slinging a rifle on your back and traipsing around in enemy territory.”

Caroline hopped onto the table. “So, what? I just sit around like all of Jack’s advisors? They don’t know what’s really going on.”

“That’s my point. You do. You need to be doing the analysis, not the execution.”

“You have to learn how to execute before you know how to analyze. I’m not some ivory tower academic.”

Natalie pounded her hand on the table. “You are so maddening sometimes. You’re completely missing my point.”

“First Jack yelled at me, and now you. Is there anyone else waiting outside to get a few snarks in before I leave?”

“There’s a line all the way down the hall. You’re more popular than you think.”

She sounded serious. “You’re kidding. Right?”

“Yes, I’m kidding.”

“I’m sorry this upsets you,” Caroline said. “I just – I have to do it.”

Natalie looked away from her. “I know you have your reasons. I simply don’t care for them.”

Forever honest. Caroline couldn’t help but appreciate that. So few people were able to be straight with her anymore. “I’m very touched that you appear to have gotten so attached to me even when I’m in giant bitch form.”

Natalie smiled. “You and Jack are pretty easy to like once you get past all your insecurities.” She squeezed Caroline’s hand. “Just promise me you’ll be careful. Like, super careful. Maybe even cautious.”

Caroline never knew how she’d react until she was in a given situation. It was foolish to pretend otherwise. “Can’t make that promise.”

“At least make me think that you are.”

“Okay. I’ll be careful.” She slid off the table, surprised when Natalie enveloped her in a huge hug.

“I want you to come back safely,” she whispered. “Jack needs you. And I do too.”

“First you were my therapist. And now you say I’m totally your bestie here. Are you my matchmaker, too?”

The younger woman pulled back. “Why not all three?”

Caroline leaned in for another quick hug. “Can I call you tonight?”

Natalie smiled, already heading toward the door. “Sure.”

*              *              *              *              *

Gig, Jones, and Crunch went to bed early so Caroline spent the tail end of dinner alone until Rosen and Maier showed up. They didn’t talk much, which was fine with her. They could discuss heavy stuff during the briefing the next day. But they’d managed to ease into a rather spirited discussion of the merits and drawbacks of an option offense. Nice to talk about sports with the guys. It made her feel included. She was about to get a second piece of dessert when she saw Jack out of the corner of her eye. He immediately walked over to where she was sitting. There were still a few people milling around and finishing their meals. Was he going to start an argument in the open?

“May I join you?” he asked.

Rosen and Maier picked up their trays, discreetly saying goodbye to Caroline. She picked up her tea, hiding a smile behind the cup. “You sure know how to clear a table.”

Jack glanced at the two soldiers. “That wasn’t my intention.”

“It’s okay. Are you going to yell at me some more?”

He took the chair facing hers. “No,” he said quietly. “I apologize for that. I shouldn’t have confronted you that way. I don’t need to bring you into my issues.”

Caroline put the cup down. That couldn’t be the entire story. “Do you need to eat? I can wait until you get some food.”

“I’m not hungry,” Jack said. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

He clenched his hands. “I don’t know if we should talk about this here.”

Where else would they talk about it? “Just tell me. I’m a big girl. I can handle it.”

He sighed. “I want to make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons. And I want you to understand that even if I can’t stop you from going, you’re still a target. I’ll do what I can to protect your identity but there are risks involved in this mission. Have you thought about what would happen if you were captured?”