Raw: Devil's Fighters MC (6 page)

Alyssa smiled sadly. “I already know the answer to that question.”

“Really?” Xavier challenged her with a small smile. “Do you?”

“I do.” Alyssa really wished she didn’t.

“Tell me, then,” he said. “What’s the answer to that question?”

“You don’t look happy, Xavier.”

There. It was that easy, and that hard. Apparently, even after eight years, they still didn’t know how to do small talk—they never had. They always talked about anything and everything, and they always did so honestly, whether they were talking about the latest movie they had seen together or about something intimate. It looked like that one thing had not changed, and Alyssa found herself being glad about it; she didn’t think she could have taken small talk with Xavier, of all people, on top of everything else.

On his part, Xavier didn’t even try to put on a mask.

“I guess I’m not,” he admitted. “Although I could have it worse.”

“How so?” Alyssa blurted out before she could stop herself.

Xavier shrugged. “I could be dead.”

The matter-of-fact way in which he said it chilled Alyssa to the bone.

“That dangerous, huh?” she said, attempting to give a lightness to her voice that she didn’t feel inside.

“Well, it’s no picnic.”

Alyssa sighed. “Why don’t you just run away, Xavier?”

Xavier stared at her. “I can’t.”

“Why?” she asked in frustration. “Is this really what you want to do with your life?”

Just like that, she was being sucked back in. Just like that, she was back to caring about him in a painful, all-consuming way. She realized right then and there that she had never stopped caring, no matter what lies she had told herself. She didn’t know how to stop. She had never known how to stop.

“It’s not about what I want,” Xavier said. “I have obligations.”

“To whom?” Alyssa cried in disbelief. “A bunch of bike-riding criminals?”

“No.”

She shut her mouth then and stared at him. He had spoken quietly, and that quiet had thrown her. She was expecting him to defend his lifestyle fiercely and hotly, but he didn’t. It wasn’t fierceness that was making his eyes even darker than they had been before. It was resignation, the hopeless kind that leaves you with nothing but a dead end.

Alyssa’s stomach clenched in concern and sudden panic. “What do you mean, no?” she asked in a much gentler tone. “Whom do you have obligations to?” She paled as a sudden thought struck her. “Oh my God,” she said, her voice choked. Of course. How could she have been so stupid? Did she really think he had not moved on with his life? “You have someone, don’t you? A woman? Maybe…a child?”

“What?” He looked at her like she had suddenly gone mad. “Do I look like a family man?” He shook his head. “You’ve watched too much
Sons of Anarchy
, Alyssa. There is no child.” He hesitated. “There is no woman either.”

“Oh.” Alyssa couldn’t have said why, but the news filled her with immense relief. (Or rather, she knew
exactly
why, but she was never going to admit it.) “Who, then?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Xavier said dismissively. “Suffice it to say, I can’t just up and leave.”

“I don’t understand,” Alyssa admitted.

He gave her a sad smile. “I know you don’t. You never understood.”

And just like that, the rage was back. Alyssa glared openly at him. “You couldn’t really have expected me to.”

“It was never about you,” he said. “You took it personally, but—”

“How else was I supposed to take it?” Alyssa said in disbelief. “It was me you turned your back on! And while we’re at it, what about your obligations to
me
? Didn’t they matter to you?”

She knew she shouldn’t be doing this. This was not the place—and most importantly—this was not the time. It had been eight years ago. There was really no point even bringing it up. Then again, it was their very own elephant in the room and ignoring it would have been impossible.

“They mattered,” Xavier said, his voice quiet once again. It seemed like the angrier Alyssa got, the quiet Xavier went. “
You
mattered.”

Alyssa couldn’t help the loud snort that escaped her. “Clearly, I didn’t matter enough.”

He sighed. “Do you really want to do this? After eight years?”

“What, you think that because it happened eight years ago, it doesn’t count anymore?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then what
are
you saying?”

Xavier took a deep breath. “I’m saying, it’s been eight years. Perhaps we would both be better off if we just started from scratch.”

Alyssa looked at him in disbelief. Who
was
this man? Who was this man who thought that he could knock at her door eight years after shattering her heart and expect it not to matter anymore? Who was this man who did not realize that her heart was still in pieces?

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa said. “It doesn’t work like that.” She really
was
sorry. She really wished it
would
work like that.

“Then, how does it work?”

Alyssa sighed. “It doesn’t,” she admitted. She knew that now; it wouldn’t work. It
couldn’t
work. She couldn’t do this; it was too hard. “You should go.”

Xavier stared at her. “Why, Alyssa? Why can’t we just—”

“Because we
can’t
,” Alyssa snapped. Did he really not see it? Could he really be that oblivious? “OK? We just can’t.
I
can’t. You broke my heart.”

Xavier deflated then. He ran a hand tiredly over his face. “Jesus,” he muttered, his voice muffled by his palm. He pulled his hand away and looked at her sadly. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“Well, you did.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t care.” Alyssa wasn’t even angry anymore. She was exhausted and frustrated, and she just wanted him to get out of her life again—and
stay
out this time. “It’s still broken, you know?” she said. She had no idea why she was saying that to him. Perhaps she was just too tired to muster up the strength to cover any of her emotions; perhaps she was just too tired of hiding the truth—from the world as well as from herself. “I don’t think I ever really got over you.”

Xavier looked crestfallen. “Oh, Alyssa—”

“Please.” Alyssa held up a hand to stop him. She didn’t want to hear it; she’d heard enough. “Don’t say anything. I don’t want your pity. I just want you gone.”

“Is that really what you want?”

It wasn’t. Alyssa wanted to reconnect, too. She wanted for him to touch her. She wanted for him to kiss her. She wanted for him to tell her he loved her, and she wanted for him to mean it. But she knew that was a slippery slope, and she wasn’t willing to fall ever again.

So she said: “It is.” Even though she didn’t really mean it.

Xavier nodded. He stood slowly, like every movement was painful.

“How much longer are you in town for?” he asked, as he retrieved his biker’s helmet from the table.

“Two weeks,” she replied. “I have more of my parents’ stuff to take care of.”

“And then you’ll be gone?”

Alyssa nodded.

“Will you come back again?”

The mere thought turned her stomach. “No,” she said. “I don’t think I ever will.”

Xavier nodded again. “Can I come see you one more time before you leave?”

Alyssa shook her head. She couldn’t think of anything she would want more, and yet she also couldn’t think of anything more terrifying. “No,” she said with some effort. “I would really rather you wouldn’t.”

If that hurt him, he didn’t show it. He simply nodded once more. “It was good to see you again, Alyssa,” he said. “Will you take care?”

“Of course.” She hesitated. “Will you?”

Xavier gifted her with a shadow of his old grin. “I’m a Devil’s Fighter. So of course not.”

She wanted to slap him. And she wanted to kiss him and pull him close and never,
ever
let him go again. She didn’t do any of these things.

“I’ll see myself out,” he said.

Alyssa nodded numbly. She listened to his footsteps down the corridor. She listened to the front door open and close. She listened to his Harley-Davidson roar to life and then run away. She listened to her heart break all over again.

She didn’t know how long she sat in the kitchen, her thoughts once again chasing each other in her head. Over the past eight years, she had sometimes tried to imagine what it would be like to see Xavier again. She had come up with a number of different scenarios, and all of them had given her closure. She always thought if she was ever to see him again, she could finally archive the whole Xavier Wheeler file.

But it didn’t feel like anything had been archived. She didn’t feel like she had gotten any closure. If anything, she felt like things had gotten even more complicated than they had been originally—which was really saying something. Only one thing was for certain: Alyssa couldn’t wait to leave Pinebrook again. This time for good.

Over the next few days, Alyssa didn’t have time to think—about Xavier or anything else. Her waking hours were spent in a frenzy of appointments with lawyers, notaries, bankers, and real estate agents. Packing up her parents’ possessions took up the rest of her time, and she buried herself into the work and the memories that certain objects would bring up. It was a bittersweet process, but it helped her start the healing journey that she knew would eventually allow her to cope with her parents’ passing. By the time night rolled along, she was always so tired that she would be asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. There were no disturbing dreams, simply because even her subconscious was too tired to conjure them up.

The only moments Alyssa truly had to herself were the early mornings—when she would enjoy a cup of coffee on the swing on the front porch. Even then, however, she found that her mind did not wander in unwanted places. In the early hours of the day, the world was too peaceful to be marred with the negative feelings brought on by unwelcome thoughts. And so those were peaceful moments, spent thinking about absolutely nothing.

Still, even that small bliss was destined to be short-lived. The sun had only just come up on the fourth day after her parents’ funeral when the early morning silence was interrupted by the approaching roar of a motorcycle.

Alyssa groaned inwardly. What about the concept of “I would really like not to see you ever again” was so hard for Xavier to wrap his mind around?

But once the motorcycle came into view, she quickly realized that it wasn’t Xavier who was riding up towards her parents’ house. It was Benedict Lenday. Alyssa’s fingers tightened around the steaming mug in her hands, her insides growing cold with a mixture of fear and hatred. What could he possibly want from her?

Determined not to let the man see just how much he was unnerving her, she remained sitting as he pulled up and got off his bike. She didn’t move, as he walked up to the front porch.

“Good morning,” he called out, taking off his riding helmet and placing it under one arm as he walked. “Beautiful morning, isn’t it?”

“It was,” Alyssa said.
Really, Alyssa? Shut up.
It was beyond her why she couldn’t stop provoking one of the most dangerous men in the territory.

Benedict smirked. He leaned back against the porch railing in front of her. Alyssa was very grateful that he did not sit down next to her on the swing.

“So,” he said casually. “How are you holding up?”

Alyssa frowned. “I’m all right.”

“You’re a strong woman, dealing with everything so bravely.”

Alyssa stared at him.

“I’m just saying you’re not having an easy time of it, what with your folks’ death and your ex showing up again.”

If Alyssa’s insides had grown cold before, they felt downright glacial now. “What would you know about Xavier coming to see me?”

“Oh, I know,” Bennie said. “Don’t worry,
he
doesn’t. I didn’t send him or anything.”

Alyssa frowned. “You’ve been spying on him?”

Bennie shrugged as if it were nothing. “On occasion.”

“Why? Don’t you trust him, after eight years?”

Bennie gave her a wolfish smile that chilled the marrow in her bones. “Honey, I don’t trust anyone. Particularly when there’s a woman involved.” His dark eyes stared at her intently.

“Well, you can sleep easy,” Alyssa said. “I’ve no intention of taking him away, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Good,” Bennie said. “Because, you know, he’s a valuable member. I’d hate for his talents to go to waste.”

Alyssa felt a shiver run down her spine. “Are you threatening to harm one of your own, Benedict?”

The man’s eyes flashed. “No one calls me Benedict.”

Alyssa shrugged. “I don’t like Bennie; it makes you sound like a mobster.”

He paused, taken aback, and then he burst out laughing. “You may have a point,” he admitted. “Anyway,” he said after a moment. “You’d best stay away from him, girlie.”

Alyssa felt her cheeks flush with hot fury. “You can’t threaten
me
. I’m not one of your fearful Pinebrook residents.”

“Exactly,” Bennie said. “You’re due to leave soon, aren’t you? Do you think anyone would notice if you disappeared somewhere between here and the airport?”

Alyssa forced herself to remain calm. She felt panic rise from her stomach all the way up to her throat, and it tasted like bile on her tongue. But she couldn’t let the man see it. If Bennie knew she was afraid of him, he would own her. She couldn’t allow that to happen.

“Like I said,” she began, willing herself to sound as cool and collected as possible, “you’ve got nothing to worry about. I’d be crazy to even try anything with Xavier again. I’ve learned my lesson the first time.”

At the very least, that was the truth.

Bennie studied her carefully, trying to gauge whether she was indeed being sincere. Finally, he seemed satisfied and nodded. “Good,” he said. “I would hate for anything to happen to you. Or him, for that matter.”

“I got it, Bennie,” Alyssa said, firmly. She could hear the annoyance in her voice. “Really, I did.”

“Lucky for you, I believe you,” Bennie said. “Now, that coffee looks good. Think I could have a cup?”

Alyssa stared at him incredulously. He was testing her. He was provoking her. She thought about reacting, but then she told herself that, if she could only hold on for another two weeks, she would never have to deal with the likes of Benedict Lenday ever again.

She nodded. “Sure. Would you like to come in?”

He seemed taken aback for a moment, but then he smiled. “Why not?”

A few minutes later, Alyssa was sitting in her parents’ kitchen sipping coffee with the man she hated the most in the whole wide world. It was surreal and infuriating all at the same time.

“I really
am
sorry about your dad, you know?” Bennie said unexpected after a few minutes of tense silence. “He was a good man.”

Alyssa nodded curtly. “He was,” she said, because really, there was nothing else to say when it came to her father. He had been the best man she had ever known.

“You remind me of him a little.”

Alyssa frowned in confusion.

“You’ve got the same spark,” Bennie said. “He wouldn’t take any of my bullshit, either.”

Alyssa was surprised to hear real fondness in the man’s voice. It was the first time in all of her knowing him that Benedict Lenday looked like a human being. She looked at the streaks of gray in the man’s hair and wondered what he would be like as an old man. Would he ever soften?

She pushed the thought out of her head as soon as it entered it. The fact that the man was able to show some sort of human emotion did not suddenly make him a decent person. It sure did not make up for all the horrible deeds that he almost certainly had done in his lifetime.

“I’m sure you wish he had let me die instead of saving my ass.”

Alyssa looked up sharply. “What are you talking about?”

Bennie pulled up his shirt to reveal a scar right next to his heart. It had clearly been left by a bullet. “Your father operated on me when no one else would.”

Alyssa swallowed past the sudden lump in her throat. “Of course he did,” she said after a moment.

It was now Bennie’s turn to look confused.

“My father was a professional,” Alyssa said. “He was a surgeon. He was a medic. He would never turn his back on someone who needed his assistance, regardless of who they were.”

Bennie lowered his shirt slowly. “It’s that simple, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Alyssa said firmly, “it is.”

“For you, too?”

She shook her head. “I’m a veterinarian.”

“Right,” Bennie said, suddenly remembering. “How come you haven’t followed in your dad’s path?”

Alyssa shrugged. “Animals are more grateful than people.”

Bennie chuckled. “You got me there,” he said, toasting her with the mug. He drained the last of his coffee and stood. “Well, this has been lovely, but I’ve got to go now. I’ve got people to kill.”

Alyssa stared at him in shock, and he gave her an evil smirk.

“Relax, girlie, I’m kidding. I’ve got no killings scheduled for today.”

Alyssa took a deep breath. She stood and walked him to the front porch.

“Remember what I said, girlie,” Bennie said as he put his rider’s helmet back on.

“Remember what
I
said,” Alyssa retorted before she could stop herself.

“I will,” he said. “I just hope you won’t change your mind.”

“I won’t.”

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Bennie nodded again.

“I’ll see you,” he said.

“Fuck, I hope not,” Alyssa muttered under her breath, as he kicked off his Harley and disappeared down the street.

As soon as the motorcycle was out of sight, Alyssa’s knees buckled. She grabbed on to the railings of the porch with both hands, knuckles turning white. She allowed the tremors and the fear to take her over for a while, knowing that she had to ride it out if she wanted to have any hopes of appearing normal to the people she would have to see that day.

After the wave passed, she sat back down on the swing and tried to gather her thoughts and her emotions. For a fleeting moment, she wondered if she should have to tell Xavier about what had just happened, but she reconsidered quickly. There was no need for him to know. In fact, she strongly suspected that telling him would only put him in serious danger.

It scared her that Bennie would “care” so much about Xavier’s choices. She wondered what role the man she had once (still?) loved had acquired within the club over the years to be considered so important by the president himself. Just how deep had Xavier been sucked in? And would he be stuck forever?

The thought saddened Alyssa deeply. It broke her heart to know that Xavier may very well never have a future. Aside from Alyssa’s own broken heart, she always wanted a life for him—whether that life would be with her was almost irrelevant. Xavier may have changed, but she had seen in him the same sharp mind and quick wit that she had fallen for so long ago. The smart boy she had known had turned into a brilliant man, she could feel it. She hated for his potential to go to waste.

Alyssa thought of the violence then. She thought of all that Xavier must have seen over the past eight years, and she shuddered to try and imagine the details. She wondered if some of that violence had been delivered by Xavier’s own hands, and as much as she hated to think about it, she knew that it must have been so. One didn’t become a valuable member of a motorcycle gang by delivering flowers.

Alyssa felt sick.
Everything
about the situation sickened her. She was sickened by her parents’ death. She was sickened by the Devil’s Fighters. She was sickened by Benedict Lenday. As much as she hated to admit it, she was sickened by Xavier. She was sickened by his cowardice, his refusal to leave. She was sickened by whatever it was that he must have done, the deeds he must have committed.

She briefly considered calling Anna, but then she decided it would not be a good idea. What would she say to her, anyway?

Alyssa sighed. She really couldn’t wait to be out of Pinebrook.