Ride To The Edge (Lucifer's Saints MC) (Rough Riders MC Series Book 4) (4 page)

For a while, I was so blinded by love, lust, passion, and dysfunction that I honestly couldn’t see my way through a life that included living without him. However cold hard reality sunk in and ruined my world in just one day when I saw them back together again.

Faith and Jaden.

Jaden and Faith.

They were like a classic TMZ celebrity case of dysfunction that had gone from seriously disturbed to outright laughable. I couldn’t deny that they didn’t deserve each other though because they fucking did.

Jaden had not just fooled me once, twice or three times but also proceeded to shit on everything we’d ever had once. I was just another drunk-in-love, gotta-stay- high because I-loved-the-way-he-lied bitch. A highly paid, overly influential celebrity like me was acting like some do me baby one more time teenager while both of us played Russian Roulette with a loaded gun.

My love for him died that day. Not because he was back with Faith, and not because he chose her over me but because he’d never truly believed in us from day one.

I enacted a revenge made for a blockbuster movie when I did what I had to do. Jaden had never looked me in the eyes again. In fact, we went out of our way to avoid one another, which was pretty hard to do seeing that my husband was his uncle. They were only a few years apart in age but they were still blood. If anyone was a Cox, Hardy was one through and through.

We hadn’t told anyone about the marriage or its subsequent consequences because my record company had it forged into my contract, and I could be sued along with everyone I knew if it ever came out. It was an issue like this I was glad my aunt was head of the Domestic Terrorism Unit for the FBI and she managed to classify all documents about me. Even Wikipedia couldn’t get more than my name, place of birth, college years, songwriting years at Introspect that would then catapult me to my ultimate career as singer and songwriter in the band I’d founded but had been taken from me by another loser magnet I thought I loved.

“Hello? Anyone at home?” Gisela waved at me and I stopped pacing. “What’s goin’ on, Tal?”

I enjoyed my privacy and the fact that I could get away with a life of duality: gorgeous rock star by day while I was an old lady to the Lucifer Saints’ club president at night. The fact that my husband was in a one percent club that sold drugs, firearms and women for a greater good never ever entered the picture.

I wasn’t a fool in love about Hardy. But I loved the way he lied even better than Jaden, and he was an insatiable drop-dead sexy alpha in the sack that kept me high enough I should have been speed-dialing the top rehab facilities in the country.

Despite my lack of warm and fuzzy feelings when it came to the man who’d sworn to love me till death did us apart, I knew he would do anything to protect my son, me, and our future daughter.

Together, we were a wild fire burning everything in our paths, trying to out-blaze each before an explosion joined us together to continue to leave madness, destruction, and chaos in our wake.

Kyra and Trey had a beautiful love story; I knew this for a fact because she’d told me every detail but they had nothing on what Hardy and I had. How I could have made a statement like that while admitting I didn’t love my husband was beyond me.

I adored, trusted and respected him but I’d sworn to myself after Jaden that no man would ever have my heart or soul ever again. I just hoped for the sake of my own sanity I could keep the promise I’d made to myself.

“You’re really starting to freak me out.”

I glared at Kyra while her wide blue eyes stared back at me in shock. I’d zoned out again. It was never a good idea to ever have a thought about Jaden. All he did was make me angry, fuel my creativity and make me hate him that much more.

“Yeah, I did have something to tell you both.” My mouth felt dry and I no longer wanted wine, just a tall glass of ice water to parch my constricting throat.

“And?” Gisela poured herself another glass of wine before picking it up an elegant fashion only a woman of good breeding and professional background could master.

“Hardy and I are married. You can’t breathe a word and in fact, I will be having Introspect Records send you two non-disclosure agreements because I can’t afford to have a man as powerful as Dominic Stenfeldt take me down. Not that he would be given the chance but . . .” I trailed off as I walked to the sofa and finally sat down.

My feet hurt, my back ached and my head was throbbing. It was a surprise I’d forgotten how miserable pregnancy could be when this was my second time around.

“Anyway, turns out there must be something in the water the Cox men drink. He wasn’t about to raise another man’s baby—let alone Jaden’s—so he adopted him and he’s officially Kaelan’s father.”

Kyra stared at me like I’d simply lost my mind. “How do you think you are going to get away with this? Do you think the press won’t find out sooner or later?”

“They can’t.”

Gisela turned toward me as she finished her sip of wine. “Your file is classified, isn’t it? You’re Trey’s cousin and Eve Kerrigan is your aunt—why
wouldn’t
she look out for her favorite niece?”

“Actually, it had more to do with Introspect threatening to destroy my career if it ever came out. It can’t come out because it’s not just bad for me but it’s trouble for the club too. Or did you somehow forget we all work for the U.S. government the moment we get into bed with any patched member of Lucifer’s Saints?”

“As if that happening were even the slightest possibility?” Kyra questioned bitterly. “I’m going to bed before I say something I won’t be able to take back.”

I turned away from Kyra. “Yeah, you do that.”

Gisela, always the peacemaker, looked at me to her retreating best friend and back again. “I always knew having two pregnant women in one house wouldn’t be a good thing. Thank God this is only temporary. As soon as everything is arranged, we’ll be heading back to our semi-charmed lives in Birch Tree.”

I waved a hand away as I sat on the sofa and felt my little one kick me in the ribs. “This house is big enough that we won’t even have to run into each other so don’t worry too much about Kyra and me. I don’t have a problem with her but sometimes it seems like she speaks without even thinking. I can’t imagine that’s a very good trait for an attorney to have but hey—what the hell do I know? I’m just a rocker who has been trained to think very carefully on how to answer questions or phrase comments lest they be misconstrued by TMZ.”

Gisela held up her hands, giving me a sign that she understood where my anger had come from. “I don’t think she meant anything by it but I will have a talk with her. You’re right. Caitlyn is Cillian’s daughter in every way, and no . . . Trey wouldn’t have a legacy if she’d been unable to get pregnant. In fact, if my husband had heard her talk so flippantly about his daughter, he would have had a fucking meltdown slash temper tantrum to rival all Cox men, and given her a much harsher ass reaming than you did so I thank you for that.”

“I still feel like shit for talking to her like that.” I rubbed my belly absentmindedly to calm the little one who was too much like both her father and me. She would definitely be a spitfire who probably would come out with stubbornness and determination that rivaled Hardy and me. Her being a girl would make her feel she’d have to fight the world that much harder. I was suddenly glad that Kaelan was a gentle soul who had truly the best traits from Jaden and myself. He would need his patience and his adaptability to put up with his younger sister.

“Don’t feel that way. Kyra is my best friend and I love her dearly but since she’s been pregnant, she’s had no goddamn filter.” We both turned as we heard the guys come into the house and slam the double doors behind them. We were four rooms away but bikers weren’t known to be a quiet bunch. “Like I said, better you than Cillian.”

Their heavy black boots soon made their presence known as they filtered into the living room. It was only Hardy, Cillian and Trey but they had beer bottles in their hands and made themselves comfortable.

Cillian sat next to his old lady while Hardy took up residence next to me. Trey sat on the arm of the sofa, looked around with bloodshot eyes and inquired, “Where’s my sweetheart?”

“She turned in for the night. The baby was giving her gas so she decided to try to get some rest,” Gisela lied smoothly as Cillian wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer.

“Maybe you should join her,” I said in a neutral voice. “She probably needs you right now. I think she’s still feeling a little . . . vulnerable about the whole pregnancy.”

“Is my mother still riding your ass about you and your old man?” he asked me.

I clutched one of Hardy’s jean clad thighs and shook my head. “No but then again if she had something to say, she wouldn’t approach me. I’m her favorite niece, and it would be wise for you to remember that. She’d rather ride Hardy’s ass than mine so he gets all the blowback while I get to sit pretty, be pregnant and do what it is I do best on the stage with my band.”

“Speaking of your band, don’t you think it’s time you take some time off?” Trey stood and drained his beer. “You’re makin’ all of us nervous working the hours that you do with a bun in the oven.”

I laughed though there was little mirth in it. “And what am I to do with all the free time I’ll suddenly have? Sit around and wait for my old man? Cook and play the good wife? I respect your concern for me but you know that has never been me, Trey.”

My silence stretched out until it became uncomfortable and the need to justify myself won out. “I do what I love and I love what I do. I said I would quit at six months and I’m not quite there yet. The guys and I are going back into the studio so that will be less stress. After I give birth, Vogue Hotel and Casino have given me another six months off and we plan to go on the road. Selected dates of course in a few choice cities where we’ll be able to showcase our material. You forget that this isn’t my first time having a baby and the stress around Kaelan’s birth was much more poignant than anything I’m goin’ through now.”

Trey laughed out loud. “Baby girl, you’re my family, and I love you dearly but don’t try to bullshit a bullshitter. How was it harder for you when Jaden had basically pushed Faith out of his life and then her fucking parents intervened and barred them from seeing one another?” He shook his head sadly. “What I still can’t understand to this day is why you gave that motherfucker even an ounce of your time, let alone a piece of yourself? He wasn’t worth worshipping your feet and he was always going to go back to that skank no matter whether he knew you were his chance at redemption or not. He never had it in him to be faithful to anyone, not even Faith but she gets off on that shit. Their drama, and the destruction it fuckin’ causes. But not you—not my sweet, baby cousin who has a heart too big for her body, and always wants to save the nobodies . . . people who don’t even fuckin’ count in life. I want to kill that son of a bitch myself, and I don’t give two fucks that we’re half-brothers.”

I was close to tears and had to stop Trey’s tirade. “Sweetie, I’m fine now. Do me a favor and check on your old lady, okay? She was lookin’ a little green around the gills when she left. Make sure she’s fine. I have Hardy to protect me, remember?”

He finally nodded his head. “Yeah, I think I had one beer too many. Time for me to drain the snake, and join my old lady in bed. See you two on the flipside,” he said referring to Cillian and Hardy. “Ladies, have a good night.”

I waited for him to disappear up the stairs, leaving just the four of us.

“You ready for bed, darlin’?” Hardy asked me in a low voice.

I looked over and smiled at him. “Yep. It’s been a long fucking hard day’s night and I just want to get some rest.”

He stood, all six feet, four of him and picked me up as if I weighed nothing. “Night you two.”

Cillian winked back before he whispered something in Gisela’s ear that made her blush profusely.

I didn’t even want to know what was said. I had my own issues to work out, one of them being the man that was carrying me to bed as if I was made of the most delicate material on earth.

My God, why couldn’t I love him the way I did Jaden?

It didn’t seem fair to him or to me.

A part of me hated myself for that too. How could I allow myself to get involved in a situation that if I didn’t change the dynamics would be untenable in the long run? Maybe I was just a glutton for punishment.

M
orning came much too early for me but with all the shit the club was involved in at the moment, it truly felt like there wasn’t enough time in the day to get everything done. That didn’t include all the personal shit I was dealing with when it came to Talia because I didn’t hold an ounce of sway over her. Sure, I could fuck her brains out in bed and dominate her in all the ways men tended to lay their claim on a woman but what happened when the love of your life wasn’t buyin’ what you were sellin’?

I had to give her credit though. She was a consummate actress—hell, she could give bloody Meryl Streep a run for her goddamn money. But I was also gifted in the art of reading people and guessin’ what they were gonna do before they actually did it. I knew her heart wasn’t with me—if it ever would be, and perhaps that’s why I got up everyday with an ache in my chest that refused to leave, no matter how much I willed it away.

Some fuckin’ prick once said, and it might’ve been Shakespeare or Nietzsche—who the hell cares at this point?—that you can’t help who you fall in love with. I call bullshit because I loved Talia pretty much from the moment I saw her but it was deliberate and calculating. I knew what I wanted and was determined to get it come hell or high water. The problem was I hadn’t thought about the fact that she might never fall in love with me and that would be our downfall.

Sure, I managed to put a ring on it—cheers, Beyoncé, for making every bitch think they were worthy of one even when they weren’t—and I loved her and Kaelan as much as I loved myself, which was a whole fuckin’ lot. One thing I never suffered from was low self-esteem. I always thought pretty highly of myself to the point of narcissism to be completely honest. There was one thing I could never make her do and that was look at me the way all the other old ladies looked at their men.

I couldn’t even make her gaze at me the way she once stared upon the amber eyes of my prick nephew who did nothing but break her heart and then pour salt on the wounds. How fucked up was that?

It’s not like I didn’t know the stories about her failed relationship with her first love, Seth, the prick who stole her group, her songs, let fame get the best of him and broke her heart. She’d gotten her sweet revenge on him but then she turned around and fell for another major asshole with mommy issues and a “Born to Lose” tattoo damn near branded on his arm. If I understood how her brain worked, did I have to be an asshole and treat her like shit to make her care?

I couldn’t do that and I refused to do so. I may have been a hooligan and an evil son of a bitch in a lot of people’s eyes but I was a gentleman above all. I wouldn’t dare treat the woman I’d made my old lady any less than with the respect she deserved. She could “tolerate” me for now if that made it easier for her but no way would she ever get the fucked-up-and-dead-to-the-world attitude that both Jaden and Seth had so lavishly treated her with like she was nothing.

It was a damn shame really because all the hatred and disgust I felt for those two son of a bitches pushed me to do the shit I wouldn’t normally do concerning the club. We had issues: another club to destroy in the form of the White Knights MC, deals with the Kitaev Bratva, and of course our old school mafia friends up North—mainly Abandonato—had something to say about every fucking move we made.

It didn’t matter that we were just now bringing the mother chapter in on business that was bigger than us, and dismantling the White Knights MC affected them directly since the mother charter of that club was in their backyard. Birch Tree and Black Oak damn near bordered one another so whatever kicked off down here would have implications for the mother charter, regardless whether we were in Southern Nevada or not.

Brad Decker, Nel’s brother and the co-founder of the White Knights MC, considered himself trying to make a deal but none of us—not even Trey, and he was the goddamn hacker genius of the family—could figure out whether it was genuine or if he was just trying to buy some more time. We couldn’t trust any of ‘em, especially when they hurt people considered part of our family. It was a game of fucking chicken and one I didn’t want to play but like a bitter fucking pill, I swallowed that shit down, and found a way to carry on.

That’s what I did—it was part of the business along with the parties, the booze, the Saint Slappers and the classy Eastern European whores we had who serviced us for free though I made the brothers pay for their services. If they wanted free pussy, they could take their chance with a Slapper, hope they got something that was curable with a pill regimen and sent on their fucking way. We paid top dollar for the whores and there was no way in hell I wouldn’t allow us to earn back our investment in dividends with the risks we were taking. All the guys understood it and accepted it.

Too much shit on my mind and not enough time to think about it, I decided as I walked to my personal bathroom and completed the three S’s—shit, showered and shaved—before I headed downstairs where Talia was already up and handing a fussy Kaelan over to his nanny, Beatriz.

I don’t know why we had one when she was much more of a hands-on mother but since her pregnancy, her personality had changed. Sometimes she felt like dealing with him and sometimes she didn’t. It was written all over her delicately beautiful face.

Kaelan had inherited her pale green eyes and her beautifully shaped mouth meant to break hearts but other than those two features, he was a dead-ringer for Jaden. There was no mistaking the Cox blood running through his veins.

She seemed to handle the situation regarding his parentage well at times, and at others, too many memories crashed down upon her and ruined what should have been the perfect happy for now. I truly believed that’s all it would have been because Faith wasn’t willing to give up on Jaden and Jaden had never resolved his issues with Faith. How could he possibly make Talia happy when he was still so blatantly in love with another woman?

What he saw in the skank—also known as Faith—was anyone’s guess but they were both like a case of Herpes and HIV partnered together forever, and neither one able to get rid of the other. They’d wreak their havoc and eventually destroy the host of their relationship but neither was going down on the sinking Titanic without the other—lifeboats be damned.

“Good morning,” I said as she settled down with a cup of non-caffeinated Early Grey tea and a fruit salad for breakfast with two pieces of wheat toast lightly buttered.

“Morning.” Her voice was raspy as I noticed the lemon and honey she added to her tea. “The sun rises everyday from the bowels of the east but in the evening, it makes sure it settles in luxury, doesn’t it?”

“Damn straight it does.” I poured a cup of coffee, flavored it with a strong kick of Macallan 12, and sat down next to her on a stool in front of the kitchen island.

She sipped from her tea again and I could feel the pulse in my neck beating at a frenetic pace. I was only looking at her profile but goddamn she was beautiful and so fucking perfect in my eyes.

Talia had no way of knowing how deep my feelings ran for her because I refused to disclose them. I was a man; I’d been running away from love my whole fucking life because it was easier to be numb than know someone held something so close to me I couldn’t possibly live without.

The bitch had wormed her way inside and to tell her how I felt meant the risk of her responding she’d never have the same feelings for me as she did for Jaden. That shit would make my whole body ache, my lungs seize up and my emotions not completely my own.

Hell, wasn’t it enough she’d twisted my balls until the pain became a constant ache only she could relieve with that sweet, tight pussy of hers? She’d fuckin’ shredded my heart with a cheese grater until she touched me lovingly and smiled like I was the second most important guy in her world besides Kaelan. She’d shattered a soul I had no idea existed within me until nothing was more important than her and our family—the Lucifer’s Saints MC be damned.

That’s how I felt and I would give anything to change it but she’d become my old lady—legally binding ‘cause I wasn’t taken no chances—and she was mine so that should have been enough but it wasn’t. I wanted her mind, body, heart and soul. I wanted to know she only thought of me when we were fuckin’ and nothin’ else would do.

I drank down the strong black liquor infused coffee, stood and grabbed my Saints cut from the stool backing where I’d just sat.

“I didn’t realize you were leaving all ready. Should I wake Trey and Cillian—”

“Nope,” I replied. “This is business that needs to be handled man to fuckin’ man. I don’t need Killer and Hacker hovering like a couple of nursemaids. If I don’t lay the law down now then they’ll step right over it like they ain’t got a bull’s-eye right to their stupid fuckin’ meth-addicted heads.”

Talia sat her cup of tea down forcefully and turned toward me. Her pale green eyes suddenly filled with trepidation. “Surely you aren’t approaching Brad Decker on his turf . . . alone?”

I nodded in reply.

She stood, her height even in heels not coming close enough to be intimidating when I still had a good four inches on her. “You were shot in the shoulder and your lung was punctured last year. Remember that? I let you get away with a cigarette or two because I know I can’t control you but there is one thing I will not allow you to do and that is to put yourself in harm’s way over bullshit!”

“Says you and who else, Tal? I’m free, white and over twenty-one. I can do whatever the fuck I like.”

“Not with Dizzy running the show you don’t,” Cillian interrupted.

I should have known she’d had them ready and willing to be my shadows despite the Vegas charter belonging to me, and this being
my
city.

Every time I was convinced Talia didn’t give a rat’s ass about me, she turned around and did something to prove me wrong. I could accuse my old lady of a lacking a lot but emotional, protective and fierce, as Queen Bey, wasn’t one of them.

“W
ell, if it ain’t the three paddy musketeers? Where’s the free booze? I only deal meth here so I don’t have much you group of micks are gonna like.”

I shook my head at the brevity that was Brad’s ego. He was one of those people who’d aged quite well, and felt like he deserved some kind of medal for still being considered “hot” by ladies
of all ages
in his late forties.

He and his brother Nel were polar opposites where looks were concerned, but unfortunately, that’s the only dissimilarity they had between them.

Brad had thick brown hair that almost looked black until the sun hit it and dark cherry streaks of red could be seen throughout. He had a pale pallor for a biker but that was account on all the different drugs—heroin being the monkey he couldn’t quite ever get off his back—over the years. Even the slight dark smudges under his eyes couldn’t take away from bright, sky blue irises with gray striations around the pupils, a body that was still fit and in shape with lean muscles and a tall build that ended short of being six feet, five inches. Hell, I wasn’t gay and didn’t fancy men in the slightest but it was my business to know who the hell I was up against, especially when we had agreed to meet these fucking psychos on their own turf.