Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations (6 page)

So one day I said to him “Look, I'm in bed to make love with you, and you're in bed to make love with me. So why don't we just relax, and I'll be with you,
and you be with me, and whenever you want to come is fine.”
(Pause.)
But he still kept prematurely ejaculating.
(Pause.)
Although he did seem happier about it.
(Pause.)

Tableau
.

DEBORAH
: We have any tuna fish?

JOAN
: I think I ate it.
(Tableau.)

The Health Club
.
BERNARD
in the gym talking to imaginary buddies
.

BERNIE
: So the kid asks me “Bernie, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The broad
this,
the broad
that,
blah blah blah.” Right? So I tell him, “Dan, Dan, you think I don't know what you're feeling, I don't know what you're going through? You think about the broad, you
this,
you
that,
you think I don't know that?” So he tells me, “Bernie,” he says, “I think I love her.”
(Pause.)
Twenty-eight years old.

So I tell him, “Dan, Dan, I can
advise,
I can
counsel,
I can speak to you out of my
experience
. . . but in the final analysis, you are on your own.
(Pause.)
If you want my
opinion,
however, you are pussy-whipped.” (I call ‘em like I see ‘em. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't so.) So what does he know at that age, huh? Sell his soul for a little eating pussy, and who can blame him. But mark my words: one, two more weeks, he'll do the right thing by the broad.
(Pause.)
And drop her like a fucking hot potato.

JOAN
and
DEB
are out to lunch.

JOAN
: . . . and, of course, there exists the very real possibility that the whole thing is nothing other than a mistake of
rather
large magnitude, and that it never
was
supposed to work out.

DEBORAH
: Do you really believe that?

JOAN
: I don't know. I really don't know. I think I
do.
Well, look at your divorce rate. Look at the incidence of homosexuality . . . the number of violent, sex-connected crimes (this dressing is for shit) . . . all the antisocial behavior that chooses sex as its form of expression. Eh?

DEBORAH
: I don't know.

JOAN
: . . . physical and mental mutilations we perpetrate on each other, day in, day out . . . trying to fit ourselves to a pattern we can neither
understand
(although we pretend to) nor truly afford to
investigate
(although we pretend to).
(Pause.)
Come on, disagree with me.

DEBORAH
: I disagree with you.

JOAN
: It's a dirty joke, Deborah, the whole godforsaken business.

DEBORAH
: I disagree with you.

JOAN
: That's your right. Are you going to eat your roll?
(DEB
shakes her head.)
Then perhaps
I
could have it.
(Takes roll.)
This roll is excellent.

DEBORAH
: I'm moving in with Danny.

JOAN
: I give you two months.

DAN
and
BERNARD
‘
S
office
,
DAN
is filing
.
BERNARD
is talking on the phone
.

BERNIE
: . . . so then she brings the dog in. “What's the pooch for?” I say. “Shut up and watch,” she says. “You might learn something.” . . . at the Laugh-Inn.
(Pause.)
They're open all night.
(Pause.)
No, they don't.
(Pause.)
I'm telling you they're open all night.

DANNY
: They're open all night, Bern.

BERNIE
(to phone):
I'm sorry.
(To
DAN
) What?

DANNY
: They're open all night.

BERNIE
: Yeah.
(To phone)
They're open all night.
(Pause.)
A guy in the office. So then she gets down on the carpet with the dog . . .

DANNY
: You want me to do these 11-13's?

BERNIE
(to
DAN
): Yeah.
(To phone)
So I'm just watching at this point.
(Pause.)
I'm getting to that. So the fucking dog, and may I be struck dead by lightning, his eyes light up, and he starts to grin. . . .
(Pause.)
. . . a fox terrier.

DAN
and
DEB
are moving
DEB
out of her apartment
.
JOAN
is in the background
.

DANNY
: You have very interesting taste in music.

DEBORAH
: A lot of them are Joan's.

DANNY
: I'm sorry. . . . uh . . .
(To
JOAN
) uh, which of these are yours? You want to separate them?

JOAN
: Well, they aren't going to separate themselves, now, are they?

DANNY
: No, I don't suppose they are. Why don't
you
separate them, Joan?
(Pause.)

DEBORAH
: Danny has a sauna in his building.

JOAN
: How nice . . . sweating . . . Do you use your sauna often, Danny?

DANNY
: I use the sauna from time to time. I'm fortunate in being blessed with the ability to sweat in the everyday course of events.

DEBORAH
(to
JOAN
): What are we going to do about the television?

JOAN
: Do you want to take it?

DANNY
: I have a television.

JOAN
: Let me just pay you for your half of it.

DEBORAH
: You could send me a check.

JOAN
: I could
give
you a check. You're not going to California for god's sake.

DEBORAH
: I can pick it up next week.

JOAN
: When?

DEBORAH
: Whenever is convenient.

JOAN
: Can you come by Tuesday night? . . .
(To
DAN
) Can she come by Tuesday night?

DANNY
: That's very good. That's very funny. Now could you find it in your heart to take the table lamp and shove it up your ass?

JOAN
: Ah, that's very telling. On your instructions, I'm supposed to rend and torture myself anally. Is that what you like? Does Deborah know about this? You're moving out, move out.

DANNY
: She's moving out.

JOAN
: Well, move
her
out, then and the hell with you.
(Pause. To
DEB
) I hope you're very happy.

BERNARD
is at the office declaiming to some coworkers
.

BERNIE
: Equal Rights Amendment? Equal Rights Amendment? I'll give you the fucking Equal Rights Amendment. Nobody ever wrote
me
no fucking amendments. Special
interest
groups,
okay
. . . but who's kidding who here, huh?
(Pause.)
We got baby seals dying in Alaska and we're writing amendments for
broads?
I mean, I'm a big fan of
society . .
. but this bites the big one. I'm sorry.

DAN
and
DEB‘
S
apartment
.
The morning. They are each getting ready for work
.

DANNY
: Do we have any shampoo?

DEBORAH
: I don't know.

DANNY
: You wash your hair at least twice a day. Shampoo is a staple item of your existence. Of course you know.