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“Probably. She likes you. What did you want to do?”

“I’m still figuring it out.” Jaime reached behind him to turn off the lamp. “I need to do that before I try explaining it to anyone else.”

Sean wasn’t sure Jaime could see his nod, but either way, Jaime draped his arm over Sean’s waist and kissed the back of his neck the way he always did when he was tired and just wanted to sleep, so Sean let it go.

“T
RAVIS
GAVE
her a good evaluation. He was always going to, unless she stopped coming to classes, but she didn’t ask about auditioning for the company again. I guess she’d asked a few weeks ago, and he told her to audition for the summer program and then finish school, since she only has a year left. He thinks she’s reconsidering auditioning at all now.” Sean hadn’t expected Jaime to ask. Lupe had been a forbidden topic for the past two weeks, and he’d given up trying to get Jaime to talk about anything that was going on with her.

“Yeah. She mentioned that before. I think she feels like Alana’s ahead of her because she’s about the same age, and then she found out you auditioned out right of high school. I was hoping Travis would tell her to finish college, since he has a degree.” Jaime turned on his side in the bed so they were facing each other, but it was too dim to read his face.

“Does it bother you that I didn’t go?” It had never bothered Sean before. A lot of dancers didn’t end up at college, and it had made sense to start his career earlier. He could always go to college when he retired, if he wanted. But Jaime wanted Lupe to finish, and he was finishing a master’s degree himself.

“No. I wouldn’t have minded if she’d had a chance earlier and skipped college. It’s just that she’s almost finished now. She might as well finish with a year and a half left.” Jaime paused and sighed the way Sean was learning meant he trying to make himself say something he didn’t want to say. “When she found out and we fought, part of why she was angry is she thinks she can’t audition now. She’s wanted this for years, and she was hoping to get a scholarship for the summer program and then audition after she graduated. Now she thinks she can’t unless she pretends she’s fine with us dating, and she’s not. She said I could have dated anyone, and I picked the one person that fucked up her life.”

“That’s still her problem. She’s the one making it hurt her career,” Sean said. When Jaime didn’t answer, his mind started drifting to all the things Jaime had already done to help Lupe with her career. He’d helped her with money; he’d made Aleksandra drive her to the last week of classes, even when they weren’t speaking.

“Are you going to break up with me for her?” he blurted out as his heart started to pound from the thought.

“No.” Jaime reached toward him and ran his fingers through Sean’s hair. “No, babe, that’s not what I’m thinking. Sorry if it sounded like that.”

“Did you think about it?” Sean didn’t want to know the answer, but when Jaime didn’t respond as quickly, that told him enough. “You did.”

“I thought of a lot of things. A lot of those things were really stupid, and that’s why I didn’t want to talk to you right away. I didn’t want to say anything I’d regret, and I would’ve regretted that.” Jaime moved his hand from Sean’s hair to cup his cheek. “I know this might get worse. It’s probably going to get worse, so I did think about it. But I decided I wanted to be with you. That’s what matters, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry I thought about it,” Jaime added.

“It’s okay. You’re right. You couldn’t not think about it—especially if she told you to.” Sean shifted closer and pushed Jaime onto his back so he could curl against Jaime’s side. He could relax when Jaime’s arms immediately moved to hold him. “She can still audition, no matter what happens. Travis is fair, and if he decides not to be, Steph makes the final decisions. She’s only going to take her talent and dedication into account. Travis and I auditioned together, and she took us both. Then she made us dance together even though Travis hated me and thought I was a spoiled brat. Amy competes with Alana, and nothing Steph and Travis do is ever going to make them get along. So aside from being really awkward, there’s no reason she can’t still join the company no matter what happens.”

“And the summer program?”

“She can still get in.”

“And get the scholarship? She can’t do it without the scholarship, and she said she’d never get it now,” Jaime said.

“There’s more than one. Some of them are partial,” Sean said, although he knew where this was going to end up.

“You’re not telling me something,” Jaime said after a minute. “Is this what you feel like when I don’t tell you what’s going on?”

“There’s only one scholarship that pays all the tuition and helps with housing expenses during the program. I usually just let Travis pick it. He’s better at that stuff, and if I pick, he ends up arguing if he doesn’t like who I pick, and the one time that happened, there ended up being two that year.”

“So you have a say in it?” Jaime asked.

“My family sponsors it. It was my idea to start it. We give money to the arts anyway, and I wanted Travis to stop bitching about how not everyone got to go to an arts boarding school and whatever summer programs they could get into,” Sean said. “And you’re going to be a way better person than you should be and ask me to let her have a fair chance no matter what happens, aren’t you?”

“You don’t want to?”

“I don’t know. Right now I’m still hoping she’ll realize she’s overreacting, and by the time she has to audition in March, it won’t matter. If she makes things worse for you, I’d rather sit through all the video auditions with Travis and try to convince him someone else is better. Sorry. I can’t pretend it doesn’t matter if she hurts you while you’re still doing everything you can to help her. She should realize how amazing that makes you, and if she doesn’t, I kind of want to fuck her over. I guess I’m not as good of a person as you are. I was supposed to sit in on her evaluation, and I only sat in on Michael’s instead. Don’t worry. It didn’t hurt her grade. It just made me look unprofessional.”

When Jaime didn’t answer right away, Sean started to wonder if he should apologize. The problem was he didn’t really want to apologize.

“Thanks,” Jaime said instead.

“What are you thanking me for?” It was better than the defense of Lupe he’d expected, but it made even less sense.

“I don’t know. Being pissed off for me when I’m the one who lied about being with you? You don’t have to be. I was kind of an ass about it.”

“Have you talked to her about us since it happened?” Sean asked. He could feel Jaime’s muscles tense under him at the question.

“Not really.”

“But you’re still on the same flight home tomorrow,” Sean said.

“It’s going to be a long flight.”

“Do you think she’s going to tell everyone when you get to Arizona?”

Sean wasn’t surprised when Jaime seemed to ignore the question. It was the most he’d gotten out of Jaime about the subject in the past two weeks, and it was only a matter of time before Jaime closed off and said it wasn’t worth talking about.

“No. I met you because of her. She’s afraid they’ll blame her for that. We’ll pretend things are fine, and come back from Christmas and ignore each other again.”

“Maybe it’ll get better. Maybe if she sees you’re still the same over Christmas when she has to see you, she’ll get over it. She was fine with me and Michael before.”

“No.” Jaime’s voice was tight, but he didn’t cut Sean off like he had when Sean had tried to make the same point before. “She was fine with you because she sees it as your own choice. She thinks it’s wrong, but she forgives it like she forgives everything else that’s a sin, like lying and cheating. But she wants me to admit it’s something wrong when it’s not. Maybe that would work if she just put all sex outside of marriage together, but she’s not. She doesn’t want me to stop having sex until I get married. She wants me to stop being gay or admit it’s something I should try to stop doing. She can’t forgive me if I have no intention of changing what’s wrong with me.”

“She can’t forgive you because there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“That’s debatable,” Jaime whispered back as if he didn’t want Sean to hear.

“It’s not.” Sean backed away enough that he could prop himself up on his elbow and look down at Jaime. When Jaime looked away, he slid his hand over Jaime’s cheek and urged Jaime to meet his eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with you. I admit that I don’t really think much about God, and I don’t go to church. But Alana does, and she says you can’t think being gay is wrong if God made you that way, because he wouldn’t make you gay if he didn’t want you to be gay. So there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Sean.” Jaime whispered his name. His eyes had gotten glassy as Sean spoke, so when he closed them and turned away, Sean let him.

“If I can’t convince you, I’m going to have to ask Alana to help because she knows more about it.” Sean settled down back on Jaime’s chest and let his fingers trace patterns over Jaime’s skin.

“That sounds like a threat,” Jaime said after a minute.

“It’s not. I just want you to believe it. There’s nothing wrong with you—except that you think putting dandruff shampoo on your face to get rid dry skin makes more sense than using moisturizer. That’s wrong. You have to stop doing that.”

“It worked.” Jaime laughed as he leaned down to kiss Sean. He sucked on Sean’s bottom lip for a second before biting lightly and backing away.

“Because it probably chemically dissolved your skin or something. I’m texting you every day you’re gone and reminding you that you promised to stop doing that.”

“Okay,” Jaime said, but he must not have missed the hint Sean was moving toward because he squeezed Sean a bit tighter against him before adding, “I’ll text as much as I can, and I’ll let you know when I can get away to call, but it might not be a lot. I haven’t seen my mom or my brothers in a year, so they’re going to want me around.”

“That’s okay. I see my mom every few months, and she’s still going to act like it’s been that long.” Sean hesitated before adding, “Just let me know you’re okay every once in a while so I worry less.”

“You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Yes, I do, and I’m still in New York for another week, so I can bother Aleksandra if you just tell me you’re fine all the time.”

Chapter 16

S
EAN
TRIED
to let his family distract him through Christmas. It worked most of the time because Jaime kept his word and kept up a steady stream of texts. Jaime had to share a room with his younger brother at night, so Sean could excuse the lack of good night phone calls. He couldn’t blame Jaime for not wanting to share that with a sixteen-year-old, and Jaime always sounded fine during the short phone calls when he’d managed to sneak away.

Sean was sitting on the couch ignoring the smirks Elizabeth was giving him while he texted Jaime. The kids were already in bed, and she didn’t really mind him ignoring the conversation she was having with their mom so he could text Jaime instead.

Sorry. I have to go. Lupe decided she wants to talk. I will text you later. I know you’re already worrying, but stop.

Sean tried not to react, but he must have done something, because when he looked up, they had both stopped talking and were watching him instead. Sean looked back down at his phone and opened a window to text Travis instead.

My mom is worse than you.

He saw Elizabeth get up and leave the room, but he kept his eyes on his phone in hopes that they’d think he was still texting Jaime and give him space.

In what context?
Travis sent back.

Nothing important. Good Christmas?

Sean should have known Travis would text back,
What’s wrong?
instead of answering his question.

Lupe has ignored Jaime all week. Now she wants to talk to him.

Right. Stop freaking out. Maybe it’s good. If you don’t know yet, it’s too early to freak out. Calm down.

Sean sighed. It was exactly what he’d texted Travis to hear, but it didn’t help.

“Honey?” his mom said next to him, and he had to look up.

“Yeah?” Sean looked back down long enough to text Travis that he’d failed at calming Sean down fast enough that his mom wouldn’t notice something was wrong.

“Is everything okay with Jaime? You haven’t been talking to him that much during the break. You haven’t even been talking about him.”

“He’s busy with his family. He doesn’t get to go home a lot, so it makes sense. But I just miss him. That’s all,” Sean said.

She didn’t answer right away, and that was first clue he wasn’t going to get away with the answer. If she’d bought it, she would have hugged him and reminded him that they’d be back together in New York in a few days.

“Do they know about you?” she asked.

“His cousin does,” Sean answered. He knew she’d hear in his voice that Lupe knowing wasn’t a good thing.

“Lupe, right?” she asked, and Sean nodded. “How does she feel about it?”