Six Crime Stories (10 page)

Bert screamed and tried to twist his face away from the instrument
,
but Buddy held his skull firmly against the carpeting. The scissors were very
,
very sharp
,
and Buddy was very
,
very strong
,
so it only took a few minutes for most of Bert
'
s nose to be removed from his face.

Though Bertram shrieked and kicked and lost control of his bladder
,
Buddy seemed to relish the event. When he finished
,
he tossed the scissors away and gazed at the mass of skin and cartilage which he had cut from his victim
'
s face.
"
Looks a lot different like this
,
huh
?
"
he mused appraisingly
,
as if he expected Bert to grin up at him and say
'
Boy
,
it sure does!
'

Then
,
he got an idea
,
and his face lit mischievously. He turned the severed proboscis around in his hand
,
then pushed the tip of it between his index finger and middle finger
,
made a loose fist.

"
Got yer
'
nose
!
"
he hooted loopily
,
roaring with delight.

It was a macabre imitation of an ancient trick which adults sometimes played on children; the adults would stick a thumb between two fingers like that
,
trying to fool young children into thinking that their noses had been stolen. Bertram recognized the trick
,
but didn
'
t appreciate the new variation which Buddy had invented.

As a matter of fact
,
Bert didn
'
t appreciate much of anything right now. He was too busy thinking about Buddy
'
s pick-ax
,
and praying for death.

"
Let
'
s see now
,
"
Buddy said when he finally stopped laughing.
"
Where can I put this?
"
Rising
,
he gazed around the room and caught sight of the brown maple mantel over Bertram
'
s fireplace. Stepping over Bert
,
he marched to the mantel and placed the severed nose atop an antique clock which perched there.
"
Perfect
!
"
he crowed
,
smiling at Bert.
"
Now you
'
ll always nose what time it is!
"

He laughed some more and started tromping back over
,
presumably to punish Bertram with additional tortures. He stopped in his tracks
,
though
,
and headed for the end-table by Bert
'
s recliner instead.
"
Hey
,
what
'
s this
?
"
he piped giddily
,
reaching for the wallet which Bert had left on the table.
"
Y
'
know
,
I bet you got a picture of my sweetie in here! Wouldn
'
t that be somethin
'
!
"

Weakly
,
Bert squirmed and clutched at the wound in his hand and his stomach. He felt no desire to touch the place on his face where his nose had once been.

"
Well
,
damn
!
"
Buddy shouted.
"
No pictures of Debby!
"
He flipped through the plastic pages which held Bert
'
s credit cards
,
then stopped and laughed again.
"
Y
'
know
,
Bert
,
you sure don
'
t look much like the picture on your driver
'
s license anymore! I think you better get a new one taken!
"

Bert didn
'
t hear a word that Buddy said; he was crying like a starving infant
,
and his brain was turning to sludge.

"
Hey
,
wait a minute
,
"
Buddy mumbled suddenly
,
lifting the wallet closer to his eyes.
"
Damnit
,
"
he muttered
,
his jocular madness strangely dissipated.
"
This is how you spell your name? D-E-L-I-N-S-K-Y?
"

"
I didn
'
t do it...
,
"
burbled Bertram.
"
I didn
'
t do it...
"

"
D-E-L-I-N
?
"
read Buddy once more.
"
Oh God.
"
Closing the wallet
,
he tilted his head backward and took a deep breath.
"
Oh my God. You
'
re Bertram
Delinsky
. I thought you were Albert
Delisky
.
"

"
I didn
'
t do it
,
"
Bert repeated as he cringed on the floor
,
as his blood continued to turn the carpeting purple.

"
Oh man
,
"
muttered Buddy
,
closing his eyes and shaking his head.
"
She told me the name
,
but I couldn
'
t get the address out of her. I made her spell it for me
,
for Christ
'
s sake.
"
Dropping the wallet on the floor
,
he balled his hands into very tight fists.
"
I had to find the address in the phone book. I saw
'
Bert
'
and I saw
'
Delisky
'
...but it must
'
ve been
'
Delinsky.
'"

Bertram heard this much
,
but it only made him sob more energetically.

"
I got the wrong guy
,
"
Buddy said soberly.
"
I was so pissed-off...I got the wrong one.
"

For a while
,
Buddy was silent. The only sounds in the room were Bert
'
s moans and the ticking of the antique clock underneath his nose. Bert
'
s blood didn
'
t make any sound as it seeped from his body and soaked the shag fibers.

Finally
,
Buddy walked into the kitchen and yanked the telephone cord out of the wall. He didn
'
t bother looking for more telephones upstairs; if there was a phone up there
,
Bert would never be able to get to it.

Actually
,
in his present condition
,
Bert probably wouldn
'
t have been able to get to the phone in the kitchen
,
either.

Next
,
Buddy turned off all the lights in the kitchen and living room. He didn
'
t want the lights to remain on all night
,
and attract worried neighbors to Bert
'
s house. Buddy wanted Bert to have
a little privacy that night--
just that one night. He didn
'
t want anyone to stop by and save Bert
'
s life; he didn
'
t want Bert to give anyone a clue as to what Buddy
'
s plans for the rest of the night might be.

Buddy planned to find Bert Delisky and murder him. Then
,
he would go home and kill Debby
,
too.

After that
,
he would suck on his shotgun and pull the trigger.

"
Sorry
,
"
Buddy said to Bertram Delinsky.
"
I
'
m really sorry
,
"
he admitted sincerely before hitting the last light switch and leaving the house.

Bertram didn
'
t live to ring in his thirty-fifth birthday. He didn
'
t have enough blood left in his body to last until midnight
,
or even another twenty minutes.

Things were definitely looking up for Bert
,
however. After he bled to death
,
he became a celebrity.

As is often the case with particularly bizarre and grisly murders
,
both the victims and the
killer became rather famous.
The facts of the horrible crime were laid out in a detailed suicide note written by Buddy Weems before he French kissed his shotgun. Eager to publicize sensational stories about death
,
the newspapers and TV networks presented grim retellings of the Weems murder-suicide
,
using Buddy
'
s note as their source of information. The reporters almost always referred to Bertram
'
s death as
"
a tragic case of mistaken identity.
"
The TV reporters took turns being videotaped in Bertram
'
s living room; they wore dark trenchcoats and stony expressions
,
and they spoke very slowly as they described how Bert
'
s life had ended. The newspaper and TV reporters were all secretly hoping that their audience and colleagues would applaud their fine coverage of the story
,
so they could get raises and more influential jobs; in several cases
,
this was exactly what happened.

The people who read the newspapers and watched the TV news couldn
'
t seem to hear enough about Bertram
'
s murder. They all felt sorry for him
,
and they were all scared because he had died from such a simple mistake and it could happen to them
,
too.

A newspaper reporter quickly wrote a book about the deaths of Bertram Delinsky
,
Albert Delisky
,
and Buddy and Debby Weems. The book became an instant best-seller
,
because everyone felt so badly about Bertram
'
s misfortune. The author of the book made lots of money
,
and was given many awards
,
including a Pulitzer Prize.

The book was eventually adapted into a motion picture
,
which everyone went to see. Since it was topical
,
and very dramatic
,
the motion picture also made lots of money and was given many awards. It earned several Academy Awards
,
including
"
Best Actor
,
"
which was given to the actor who played Bertram Delinsky.

Pretty soon
,
virtually everyone in the world had heard about Bertram Delinsky
,
and felt very kindly toward him.

In the end
,
Bert got many of the things which he had worried about not having on the eve of his thirty-fifth birthday. Not only did he make some friends
,
he made friends all over the world. He not only made some money
,
he made millions of dollars. He had worried about dying unnoticed
,
without making any kind of mark in the great story of humanity; now
,
his death had certainly been noticed
,
and he had earned a footnote in the annals of history.