Size Matters (Handcuffs and Happily Ever Afters) (18 page)

“Oh my God,” Heidi Kugelschmooson gasped, interrupting Boo’s recitation. “What kind of revolting bestiality porno is that?”

Heidi had voiced the question that had been in my mind for days, but all it did was piss me off. I could say or think anything about my team I wanted . . . because I cared about them and they were mine. Heidi, on the other hand . . .

“It’s the bible. The Bigfoot bible,” I snapped. I paused for a second and had a weird déjà vu moment. WTF? Whatever. Seven in the morning was too early to get into a fight with Plastic Barbie, but she left me no choice. “It’s written in code,” I explained as if she were two years old. “You have to interpret the, um, foul and pornographic text in order to get to the true roots of the Bigfoot myth.”

“Really,” she said skeptically.

“Really,” I shot back, hoping the conversation was over. Kim had picked up coffee and doughnuts before we congregated in the parking lot, so I quickly shoved a glazed one into my mouth to signify the end of the conversation.

“So, what in the hell did that repulsive passage mean?” Heidi asked, not one to give up easily. Assclowns, I could just imagine the article she would write later.

“It means that Bigfoot is a tragic and lonely beast. There is solid proof in that particular passage that there may be just one Bigfoot in existence. His intelligence level is on a par with or higher than humans’ and clearly he’s been gifted in the genital area,” Boo told Heidi without flinching.

“He also enjoys humping trees and large furniture,” Hugh added.

“Which is why we will be searching trees for pubic hair today,” Mariah told Heidi. “We understand that you will be taking pictures and gathering information for your article, but if you want to come you will have to comb the woods for pubes also.”

Heidi Kugelschmooson was shocked or possibly revolted into silence. I’m sure that was a first for her. We all enjoyed her traumatized expression, especially Rich. I guess he’d noticed how disgusted she was by his unusual appearance. Payback is a bitch.

“Where’s Stuey?” she choked out, clearly wanting to escape our company.

“He and Stan will be out right before we leave, dear,” Kim said, trying to be kind and make Heidi feel welcome. “Here, have a doughnut. Will you and your bald friends be riding in the van with us? I’m sure we could make room.”

“No,” she answered, declining the ride, but taking the doughnut. “We’ll take our own car and follow. I’m not sure we can stay the entire time.”

“Well, that’s too bad.” Kim smiled sweetly. “We really have a wonderful time together and you look like you could use some fresh air and good company.”

“Or a breast reduction, bless your heart,” Edith muttered.

Heidi whipped around on the old lesbo so quickly, I was surprised her wig didn’t fly off. She took three steps toward Edith, completely invading her space. “What did you say?” Her eyes narrowed and Edith shrank back.

“We’re on a quest of, um . . . deduction, bless your, um, heart,” Edith said, her eyes wide with fear.

“Hmmm.” Heidi tapped the toe of her high heel in the dusty gravel of the parking lot. She was dressed totally inappropriately for a hike through the woods, but I’m sure tight dresses and stilettos were the only items of clothing she owned. She eyed the trembling old woman for a moment. “It sounded like you made a comment about my chest,” she said way too quietly.

“Oh, ah . . . nope,” Edith said, laughing nervously at the obvious misunderstanding. “I never even noticed your huge hooters,” she said, backing away.

“Good,” Heidi snapped. “Let’s keep it that way.”

“Of course,” Edith agreed meekly.

How in the hell did she do that? They’d been up my backside for a week about my boobs and no matter what I said, they kept it up. I suppose I didn’t have that natural command Heidi did. People seemed to do what she wanted them to. She kind of reminded me of...

“Are you ready?” Stuey shouted, running around the corner of the building and scaring the hell out of all of us. “Hop into the van and let’s get a move on!”

As we piled in, I noticed Heidi having a private chat with Stuey. She grabbed him by the collar of his starched polo and laid a big wet one on his gross little mouth. Stuey walked a very happy and unsteady line back to his sedan.

“I got a call from Moon-Unit last night,” Kim said once we were safely in the van and out of earshot of Stan, Stuey, and Heidi.

“What did the crazy old coot have to say?” Mrs. C asked.

“Pot. Kettle. Black,” Mariah mumbled.

“She said that Bigfoot is in the area, but they’ve been sending us in the wrong direction. She believes it’s on purpose.”

“I knew it,” Boo said. “They don’t want us to find him.”

“I’ve thought long and hard about this,” Kim said. “I think they may know they’re sending us on a wild-goose chase, but it may be for the good of the show. If we found Yeti on the first day, the show would be over.”

“That’s a good point,” Rich said. “What do you want to do about it?”

“I think we should follow their directions, knowing that the direction they don’t want us to go in is most likely the area where we will find him.”

“Do you think we should sneak back out here at night and do an independent search?” Mariah asked, clearly excited about the idea.

“No, absolutely not,” Rich said sharply, making Mariah jump. “It’s, um, not safe . . . or ethical.”

“He’s right,” Boo agreed. “What if we locate Sasquatch on our own and scare him away? That would ruin the show.”

“True,” Hugh said slowly, “but if they find him, do you think they would harm him?”

The entire van went silent at that question. Would Stan and Stuey or possibly Heidi and the bald guys try to kill Bigfoot? Or trap him and put him in a zoo . . . or God forbid, experiment on him? WTF? Am I starting to believe Bigfoot actually exists? That there’s some depressed wild creature with a gargantuan pecker running around the woods looking for love? Help me, Jesus.

“I don’t think their intention is to hurt him,” I said, “but maybe we could lead them on a wild-goose chase of our own.”

“What do you mean?” Rich asked.

“I’m not really sure, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it’s really okay to reveal Sasquatch on national TV.”

“Praise Jesus,” Kim bellowed. “She’s a believer!”

“No, I’m not,” I insisted. “I’m worried, just in case.”

“Riiiight.” Mariah grinned.

“Oh my God!” I shouted. “I don’t believe in Bigfoot!” Everyone in the van shot me their best skeptical look. “All right, fine,” I muttered. “I don’t necessarily not believe anymore.”

“What do you mean by wild-goose chase?” Hugh asked, grinning at my embarrassing turnaround.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” I blew out a long breath and dropped my head back on the seat.

“I know,” Boo said. “What if we plant and find clues in an area we know Sasquatch isn’t in?”

“We could insist on staying in the same area,” Kim said excitedly. “They would look like asses if they forced us to leave a potential sighting.”

“I could cry really hard on camera if they tried to make us leave,” Boo offered.

“I could damage their nuts,” Mariah volunteered. “Off-camera, of course,” she added as an afterthought.

“We could threaten them,” Edith chimed in.

I wasn’t so sure this would work. Not to mention, what kind of proof could we plant? How would we do it without getting caught? Was there actually a reason to go to all this trouble?

“We don’t have any proof,” Rich noted, reading my mind.

“Oh yes, we do, Mr. Man-boobs,” Mrs. C said. She bent over and pulled a bizarre triangular beard-looking thing out of her ever-present sewing bag. It was attached to a hideous lime green knitted belt. The hair was dark and curly and it smelled vaguely of wet dog. I briefly wondered if it was alive.

“What in the hell is that thing?” I gasped, holding my nose.

“It’s a merkin, shit for brains,” Mrs. C informed me. “A genuine vagina wig made from poodle hair!” She beamed proudly and I threw up a little in my mouth.

The car went silent. I wasn’t sure if it was in revulsion or admiration . . . Now I knew why no one had wanted to tell me what a merkin was. Why in the hell would anyone need, want, make, or have a merkin? Was it some weird lesbian sex toy?

“Um, it’s all well and good that you carry merkins around with you,” Mariah said, trying not to laugh, “but how is a vajayjay wig made out of poodle hair supposed to help us?”

Mrs. C rolled her eyes. “I will cut the cooter wig into eight pieces. I will then hand each of you an eighth of the hair pie. You will put it in your pocket. When that shiny bastard is filming someone else, you will run your section of poodle beaver over as many tree trunks as you can without being caught. The individual hairs of the love taco will get caught in the trees and we can play it off as Sasquatch pubes.”

My brain had frozen on the term
love taco
. I didn’t think I could get past it. Even if I went to therapy every day for the rest of my life, I would never get that explicitly visual paragraph out of my head. I was now stuck with poodle beaver, hair pie, cooter wig, and the worst of the worst . . . love taco.

“I think that might work,” Kim said, impressed. “Good plan, Mrs. C.”

Was no one going to comment on her butchering the word
vagina
?

“Maybe you should cut the poodle beaver into seven sections,” Hugh offered. “I’ll be singing next to Stuey all day and I don’t think it would be wise for me to try to distribute any of the hair pie.”

“Good point,” Edith said, handing Mrs. C a pair of scissors. “You’re not as stupid as I thought you were.”

Hugh smiled at the backhanded, passive-aggressive compliment. I shook my head and glanced over at Rich, who looked at me with amusement.

“What?” I asked him, trying to bite back my laughter.

“Nothing.” He smiled. “It’s just fun to watch you.”

“Why?” I said, exasperated. “Because I’m going to self-combust?”

“That among other things,” he said softly. He gave me a look that made me strangely uncomfortable. I felt a zing of weird. WTF? I am not attracted to a guy with man-boobs, British teeth, and crotch hair on his head. Crapitty, crapitty, crap. What did he really mean by that? Please, God and Jesus and Brett Favre, don’t let Rich be getting a crush on me. I want him as a friend. Only. Assclowns, if he thinks he likes me, it will screw everything up . . . I’ll just stay away from him today and tomorrow and the next day . . . shit.

“O
h for God’s sake, is he going to sing all day?” Heidi groused as she unwillingly searched the trees for pubic hair.

I grabbed her and yanked her aside before Hugh could hear her griping. She’d been bitching for the last hour straight and I’d had enough. “Listen to me,” I hissed quietly. “Hugh has some, um . . . self-esteem issues. Singing is good for him even if it’s painful for everyone within hearing distance. So, yes, he is going to sing all day and you’re going to enjoy it . . . or at least pretend to.”

“You go, girl,” she said, grinning and surprising me.

Why in the world did she cover herself up with the makeup and fake hair? She was gorgeous and somehow familiar . . . “Do I know you?” I stared at her and tried unsuccessfully to place her.

“Nope,” she said, moving away. “You don’t.”

I watched her as she sidled up to Stuey and grabbed his tiny butt. Something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it . . .

“Thank you,” Kim whispered, startling me. To keep from falling, I grabbed the tree that I was covertly pubing.

“Holy hell, Kim. You scared me,” I said, wiping the poodle hair I’d wasted off my shirt.

“Sorry,” she chuckled, helping me remove the damning strands from my clothes. “I wanted to thank you for sticking up for my Hubie. I know he’s a bit unusual, but he’s a beautiful person and I love him.”

“You’re welcome,” I said with a big ball of emotion clogging my throat. “You guys are lucky to have each other.”

“I know, dear.” She smiled and tilted her big head to the side. “What about you, Kristy? Do you have a love in your life?”

“Um, well . . . I thought so, but . . .”

Kim stood quietly and watched my struggle. Did I?

“It’s okay, sweetie. You don’t have to tell me.”

“No, no, it’s not that. I just think I might have found it and screwed it up,” I told her.

“If it was the real thing and meant to be, it will always be there,” she said with confidence. “I chased Hubie for three years. He had no idea I even wanted him till the night I jumped him at a Sasquatch Singles gathering.”

“Wow,” I said, hoping there would be no graphic details.

“Yep,” she reminisced fondly. “We got married two days later and have been madly in love ever since.” She took my hand in hers. “Kristy, you are a beautiful girl on the outside, but more important, you are just as beautiful on the inside. You will find your love when you are ready to accept him.”

“Do you think?” I choked out, feeling the tears well up in my eyes.

“I know.” She gave me a hug. “You should let Boo touch you. She has the gift and might be able to tell you what your future holds.”

After so many beautiful words, the last couple of sentences made me remember how crazy Kim really was. I nodded, afraid if I spoke, I would say something insulting about insane people.

“Well, dear, it was lovely chatting, but I need to keep distributing my pubic hair.” After another quick hug she was off.

The morning in the woods was eventful. The bald photographers, whom we’d never been introduced to, were thrilled and shocked to be the lucky ones to first spot Bigfoot’s private hair. There was hair everywhere. That merkin sure packed a punch. Heidi examined the hair and took copious notes.

Mariah and the old ladies stood in the shadows behind the largest trees they could find and tried desperately not to laugh. I was having a difficult time myself. Boo, Kim, and Rich were the only ones who were able to play it off as if they were surprised and delighted by the amazing discovery. Hugh was too deeply ensconced in his music to realize anything was amiss. Edith kept mouthing the word
merkin
to me when no one else was looking. I literally mutilated the inside of my mouth trying to hold it together.

Stuey had the strangest reaction of all. He was baffled by our findings. As the morning progressed and more hair was discovered, he behaved like a child on Christmas morning who’d never experienced Santa’s bounty before. Stuey was so excited it was almost alarming. He even did a rendition of “Sweet Home Alabama” with Hugh. That one would take shock treatments to remove from my brain. By the time lunch rolled around, I was exhausted from holding back laughter. Heidi, with her notebook in hand, was interviewing everyone. Especially Rich and Stuey.

“I think we’ve found enough pubes to agree that Sasquatch has been here,” Kim said, grinning from ear to ear. “I vote we come back to this exact spot tomorrow.”

Everyone cheered and agreed . . . except Stuey. “I’ll have to check with Stan on that,” he mumbled, not making eye contact with anyone.

“Why?” Heidi demanded. “Is Stan the boss of you?”

“No, baby,” he stammered. “I just have to . . .”

“Tell that shiny mute bastard Stan, bless his heart, that we’re coming back here tomorrow or we all quit,” Edith said. “We know Bigfoot is here and if that slimy little asshole has a problem with it, his testicles can have a conversation with Mariah’s knee.”

Boo chose that exact moment to start sobbing and Mariah began stretching her limbs to kick some ass. The old lesbos had done their threatening job well. Stuey paled, and his only friend, his singing partner, Hugh, deserted him to stand with his beloved wife, Kim.

“Um, okay,” he whispered, knowing he was outnumbered. “We’ll come back here tomorrow.”

We walked our twenty minutes back to the cabin, happy that the real Sasquatch, if he truly existed, was safe for another day. Stan couldn’t have been less impressed about the pubic hair if he tried. What in the hell was his deal? Did he suspect we were pulling something over on them? Did he know where Bigfoot really was? He was so cold I wouldn’t have put it past him to kill our hairy hero . . . and why in the hell did they need us if they were just going to harm Sasquatch? Maybe they were setting us up. Maybe they were going to place the blame of Bigfoot’s death on us. Wait a minute . . . Had I totally lost my mind and entered the land of Psychoville?

Yes. The answer was yes.

Heidi was furious that Stuey and Stan locked themselves in a room while we ate lunch. She tried wheedling and begging and then swearing, but to no avail. I thought it was pretty funny, but Rich seemed oddly disturbed.

“Are you okay?” I asked, handing him a Rose and Popo’s sub.

“Um, yeah. Why?” he asked, unwrapping the sandwich and taking a bite.

“Well, Heidi seems to be really bothering you.”

“Oh.” He shook his head, swallowed, and ran his hand carefully through his gnarly hair. “I’m just a bit concerned for the safety of Sasquatch with the paper covering us so closely.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just hope that woman doesn’t reveal our location. All sorts of local yahoos will start coming out here to hunt down Yeti.”

“Assclowns,” I muttered. “I hadn’t thought of that. Should we talk to her?”

“I’ll take care of it,” he said.

I was relieved that I didn’t have to go toe to toe with Heidi again. I glanced around the room and realized Edith and Mrs. C were missing. Damn it, they were outside emptying the mysterious contents of yet another suitcase. Tomorrow I would slip out and follow them. If they were doing something illegal, I would stop them. As much as they still drove me to want to drink heavily, I did not want them getting in trouble with the law. I wasn’t exactly sure what I would do if they were burying dead bodies, but the more I got to know them, the more certain I felt that their covert activity was something far more creatively disturbing than burying the dead.

“Time to go,” Stan said as he rejoined us.

“So we’ll be searching the same area again tomorrow?” Boo said, not trusting that Stuey had informed Stan.

“Yeah, yeah, sure,” he said. “Just find Bigfoot.”

“We’ll find him,” Hugh said, slowly sliding into the splits. “Don’t you worry about that, my man.”

Stan gave him an odd look, pulled out his cell phone, and left the cabin.

“Nice talking to you too,” Mariah laughed and flipped Stan’s back the bird.

“Sorry about Stan.” Stuey stared at the floor and his shoulders drooped. “He’s a little shy. He’s really excited about all this, he just doesn’t know how to show it.”

We all stood silently and stared at Stuey.

“So, um,” he continued after the awkward silence refused to end. “We sent some footage to TIT and they loved it!”

“That’s wonderful, Stuey,” Kim gushed. “They must be so proud of you.”

She embraced him and Hugh gave him a high five.

“It’s not me,” he said modestly. “This whole trip is working out the way it’s supposed to because of you guys.”

“Stuey, you’re no slouch,” Boo said, squeezing his hand. “You’re a wonderful singer. You and Hugh make a great team.”

“Really?” He blushed furiously.

“Absolutely,” she said, smiling.

“Okay.” Stuey was a little puffed up now that he had fans. “Let’s get you kids back to the lodge. Heidi?”

Heidi’s head jerked back to the action in the middle of the room. She had been in deep and animated conversation with Rich. “What?”

“Are we still on for a hot date tonight?”

She giggled and tried to fluff her helmet. “Of course we are, Stuey baby.”

Eww and gross. I wondered if Rich had had any success convincing her to keep our location out of the paper. Old Heidi seemed to have a few screws loose. I still couldn’t place her; maybe she was right . . . maybe I didn’t know her.

Thankfully on the ride home we went through a fast food drive-through. The thought of getting thrown out of another restaurant was too much for any of us to bear. I was happy with my chicken sandwich, fries, and vanilla milkshake. I was looking forward to a quiet evening in my mustard-colored hotel room.

“Hey, Rich,” I said, stealing one of his fries. “Did the aggressive helmet-wig reporter agree to not give up our location?”

“She agreed.” He nodded. “Why do you think she’s wearing a wig?”

“Because I saw her brown hair sticking out of it the other day.”

“Hmm.” He dug into his fries and drifted off into his own world. Thankfully the weird feeling I’d gotten from him yesterday was gone.

I glanced up at the front seat and noticed Hugh feeding Kim as she drove like a bat out of hell. She giggled as he dangled onion rings in front of her lips. Realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Mitch was the one who’d got away . . . or rather the one I’d sent away. He could never be with me like Hugh was with Kim . . . And since that was what had happened, I needed to let it go. It had happened for a reason and there was someone out there who would feed me onion rings too. Well, maybe not onion rings, because I hated them . . . but french fries. I loved french fries. Strangely enough, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. I could do this. I could forget about Mitch and keep living my life. Of course it helped that I would never see him again. If I had to see him on any kind of regular basis, I’d be screwed. I pulled on my curls and smiled. I was going to be okay.

“What’s going on inside that brain of yours?” Rich asked quietly.

“Dangerous things.” I grinned. “No, actually, I just realized I will be okay.”

“Did I miss something?” He grinned back. Thankfully the car was dark enough that his horrible teeth only looked crooked.

“Nope, I’ve just come to terms with a few issues that were floating around in my head.”

“The guy?” he asked, raising his eyebrow over his green eye.

“Yep.”

“And?”

“He’s the one who got away. There’s nothing I can do about it now, so I’m going to let it go. As long as I don’t see him, and trust me, that won’t be an issue, I’ll be able to forget him. He hightailed it out of Minnesota the morning after we, um . . . whatever. Suffice it to say he’s gone . . . and I will be okay.”

Rich was quiet. I knew he was thinking about the horrid girl who had broken his heart. Soon I would have a sit-down with my sweet buddy. I would gently talk to him about a makeover of sorts. I would be very careful. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I was hell-bound and determined to help him.